[socalgrl86]

how do you say goodbye to someone who you have come to rely upon for comfort?? I have a friend who is moving to another state, undoubtly i will never see him again but he and i have had a very interesting past 8 months of friendship. we typically see each other a few times a week and he is always coming to look for me, always watching out for me (sometimes a little creepy because i catch him constantly staring but hey, its ok) and i have come to just look forward to seeing him when i know he will be at work. i have come to trust this person with everything i have, he is the only person who knows my atm number because he would pull out money for me. he is the only person who i would allow to drive my car so he could go put gas in it during his lunch break so i didnt have to. he even once went to the store to buy me some (*tampons!!*)lol.

but we have also had a very strenous frienship too. people would always be talking at work, people were always trying to do the whole "he said/she said" thing and it got to a point where we both didnt know if what we were hearing was true or not. he never stood up for me when confronted with our friendship so that word didnt get out to his wife. (we NEVER did anything, i swear. it was always just a friendship.) i dont know how many times i stressed myself over this friendship just wanting to end it. dont know how many times i asked him to stop talking to me and he wouldnt. he would keep coming around and around to the point where everyone noticed he was always coming around looking for me. I tried to end the frienship when i found out from another friend we have that he told him that he couldnt be alone with me without feeling like we were having an affair. when we would go out to eat lunch or something i would always pay so he wouldnt get in trouble.(atleast that is what he would tell me as to why i should pay. (his wife is very jealous and apparently, has caught him cheating on her about 2 or 3 years ago.) so now i'm confused as to why his leaving is really affecting me. i know it shouldnt but it has really made me sad and i'm horrible with goodbyes.

i know i am going to hear everyone's opinion about this and the fact that he is married but let me make one thing clear. NOTHING ever happened between us. just please give me advice as to how i should let this and him go. i know our friendship probably shouldnt have even happened i just am really sad to see him go.

[laregina123]

Forgive me for jumping into conclusion here, I might be wrong but from what I read looks like both of you are attracted to each other - or at least, he's attracted to you, and you know it well.
Maybe it's true that 'guilt' speaks louder that prevented things to go any further. He's a married guy, and while it's completely ok to have friendship with married guys, it should not go beyond pure friendship.
The fact that you have tried to end the friendship shows good judgement from your part, and the fact that he's leaving should be considered as a blessing. It's hard to lose a good friend, but on the other hand, if he didn't, things could get messy.
You'll feel better after a while, you'll move on and find other friends you can greatly get along with. *hugs*

[artich0ke]

ITA with laregina. Couldn't have said it better myself!

Also... It kind of seems to me that he was taking advantage of you by having you pay all the time. If he didn't want to leave tracks by using a credit/debit card, how hard would it have been for him to get 50 bucks out of an ATM?

I would probably change your ATM pin, too. I know you trust him, but these days you never know...

[socalgrl86]

thanks guys. :)

i understand perfectly well what you both are saying as far as him being attracted to me. i know this VERY well even though he would insist that he only saw me as a friend. i mean, about a month into the friendship he told me over lunch that he felt that if he ended the frienship with me it would feel too much like a break up even when it shouldnt feel that way. i guess i just really want closure about what his true intentions were because everyone on the outside seems to think he wanted more from me which is why he keeps coming around. (apparently he never does that with anyone else.) but yet he is the one who keeps reminding me that he wants to really be my friend even though i would tell him maybe we shouldnt be.

[gillianna]

Perhaps you are giving him mixed signals. To trust him with what you did goes way beyond friendship. I mean to have him by tampons for you--where you too sick to do this yourself???? I think you are questioning him and saying he did all this when you are a partner in this friendship and lunch dates. Let him move on and you should move on too. He is married and he might not have a perfect marriage but being with you as much as he is would really make a wife question things.

[Roo]

Remember, there is a such thing as an emotional affair. I know you've been affected by infidelity alma- and you're too good a person to be on the other side of this!

[ChristyR143]

^ I was going to say the exact same thing. There may be no physical stuff going on, but it is abundantly clear that you two share an emotional connection...and to some women that's an even bigger deal than when it's a sexual one. He obviously knows he's doing something wrong, or else why would he hide his 'friendship' with you from his wife. (plus the fact that he's already been known to cheat?). It's my opinion that there's definitely more than a friendship going on here, and perhaps you just aren't really wanting to admit it to yourself yet? At any rate, I think the fact that this man is moving away is a blessing...seems to me like this is a disaster waiting to happen.

[socalgrl86]

Originally Posted by Roo

Remember, there is a such thing as an emotional affair. I know you've been affected by infidelity alma- and you're too good a person to be on the other side of this!

you are SO right.

[illinirdhd]

I'm not saying that YOU have done anything wrong. But if my husband had a friendship like the one you described, I would be hurt, furious, devastated. And I'm not sure I would get over it very easily. I am not really a jealous person, and I trust my husband, but if he bought tampons for another woman and took her car and put gas in it? I'm sorry, it is NOT appropriate for a married man to do these things unless it's for his wife, his mother or his sister. Chats at the office? Sure. An occasional lunch or cup of coffee? Fine. But this guy definitely crossed the line of what would be acceptable to me.

Is this guy older than you? It sounds to me like he was priming you to be his next mistress. He sounds like a user and a creep. I think if you take a few steps back and look at this, you might decide it's a good thing he's leaving. You never want to be one of the reasons a marriage fails. And it sounds like his is probably headed for the rocks.

It's always sad to lose a friend, but I don't know how good a friend this guy was to you. Sounds like he was putting you in some pretty crappy situations.

And yeah, I agree - change your PIN.

[socalgrl86]

^^ I dont know what it is about your post but it's like it knocked SO much sense into me. I was always in denial because i never thought his intentions would be inappropriate because i'm just a very friendly person and i refuse to ever see the bad in anything even when i probably should. i thought it was just him being a nice friend by doing these favors for me, i mean, more than half the time it was him who would come to me and offer to do them.

you guys are right though. i am slowly starting to see that him leaving is probably a good thing not only for this to blow over because i am so over all the drama it has caused me but for my own sanity as well.

[illinirdhd]

Oh, good! I'm so glad what I said didn't offend you - I certainly didn't want to. But I know that sometimes it's really hard to see a person's motives when you're the one involved in a situation. I didn't mean to be harsh, but my instincts on this stuff are usually pretty good. I'm *guessing* from your screenname that you're younger than me -- and I certainly remember being really flattered by married or involved men who gave me this kind of attention a few years ago! There's no crime in loving the attention, but just be careful of guys like this. Even if you're not doing anything wrong, they might be, and you could end up in the middle of a really messy situation with a nutcase. You could put your own safety (and sanity!) at risk.

Also, I am a firm believer in karma. You don't want it to come back and bite you -- what if your future husband pulled stuff like this guy?

I know men and women can be friends. I have a couple of very close male friends. But there have to be boundaries. YOU have to be the one who keeps married and involved men at arms' length, because the guy who is just your friend might be looking at you with a whole lot more than innocent friendship in mind.

[Roo]

Originally Posted by socalgrl86

^^ I dont know what it is about your post but it's like it knocked SO much sense into me. I was always in denial because i never thought his intentions would be inappropriate because i'm just a very friendly person and i refuse to ever see the bad in anything even when i probably should. i thought it was just him being a nice friend by doing these favors for me, i mean, more than half the time it was him who would come to me and offer to do them.

you guys are right though. i am slowly starting to see that him leaving is probably a good thing not only for this to blow over because i am so over all the drama it has caused me but for my own sanity as well.

Alma, the thing you also must remember is that you're just coming out of a situation and you're still vulnerable whether you realize it or not. This guy knows this too and is probably taking advantage of that - either consciously or subconsciously.

Most women who've been cheated on in the past swear they will NEVER do that to another woman because they know how it feels. Don't let this guy suck you into something like that, it's the last thing you need!