Routine...

[Babi]

Hi all!
It's the first time I post here and feel rather embarassed talking about my personal problems.
But then I thought, why not? Advice can always be a good thing
So, here's the point: my BF and I live together since 2003 (more than 5 years) and in this period we've also worked together in the small company of my family. Before he moved here, in my city, we've been dating for one year and a half. So it's almost 7 years we're together.
I was a very active person, loved seeing my friends, meeting new ones, making different sports, travelling, etc... Now I feel I'm another person.
We go together to work, come back in the evening, I usually cook for him and we end up the evening watching TV
This is our routine. At first I wanted to stay next to him because this was not his city and understood he needed some time before feeling good here, so I wanted to spend the free time with him (and didn't want to leave him alone at home, while I was going out with my girlfriends). I was so grateful to him for moving here!
We had house-marriage-children intents and I tried to push a bit from this point of view...but now I'm here, 35 years old, no children, no marriage and we still live in a flat of my family (with our privacy, but not total).
And I feel as if I became a kind of mother to him, which was not my intention you know? Passion of course decreased and now I start feeling very restless: I say why don't we go out this evening? He replies he's always tired and when we go, he looks forward to go back home. He hasn't created one personal friend: we always go out with my friends... I say "let's go on a beautiful trip this year!" Reply is: I have to rest, I need a relaxing holiday, maybe it will be boring, but that's what I need.
And so on...I mean, we've created a routine as if we were a married couple with children, but we're not. So at least, until we'll have new challenges like parenting, we could enjoy life!
And this situation is also creating me some doubts about our marriage plans: would I become this kind of boring-bored person, getting crazy inside because it's not my nature?

Do you, married and not, find that this is a normal couple's routine and that marriage kills a bit the pleasures of life, like HAVING FUN?
I didn't think so...but now I'm a bit confused.

[oo0ehxtahcee0oo]

DF and I are engaged and act like a "married couple with kids" but in our view, being married with kids can still be fun!! DF and I make it kinda routine to see our friends every few weeks. And we have out alone time, me and myself, and he spends time with himself, and we have dates together. That's our routine!! Trying to keep things fun and exciting. It sucks that you two havent made a fun eventful routine. Maybe talk to him about it like how you expressed the situation to us!! Best of luck!!

[VPT]

I find married life more of a routine than cohabiting before marriage. If you're bored and unhappy with your routine now it can be a bad sign. Question is do you want to get married to this bf of yours? I'm going to suggest trying an ultimatum like a wake up call but I'm not going to, it seems plenty of tpf'rs will not agree, so carry on waiting for a star to fall and maybe grow some fancy cobwebs along the way.

From my experience, most guys take the back seat when they're comfortable with what they have right NOW. It doesn't matter how much they promised you in the past about wanting to have you mother their kids. Guys can be a tad too complacent, it's no surprise many girls have to resort to giving them a jolt to shake them up a bit. I read it somewhere that about 75% of women worldwide had to initiate something for their SO to propose. Among my circle of friends, about 90%, and I'm part of that statistic :( but I'm happy I did.

[Babi]

I see..Thank you for you replies.
It is true that guys tend to relax a bit when they feel comfortable and that usually (90% I agree) girls have to push a bit to have something more.
The point is that, having a look to THIS routine, I'm starting to have doubts.

I agree that family, marriage and children can be a hard but FUNNY challenge.
I believe that happy parents are better parents.
But if he's happy spending the whole sunday watching tv, while I'm bored, there's something wrong, because I'm not happy at all.
I suggest...massages (code message to say, let's spend some time together!), going out to watch a movie or whatever...but he always replies he's tired/with headache, and prefers watching the football matches...I HATE football...

[Babi]

[quote=oo0ehxtahcee0oo;6910354]DF and I are engaged and act like a "married couple with kids" but in our view, being married with kids can still be fun!! DF and I make it kinda routine to see our friends every few weeks. And we have out alone time, me and myself, and he spends time with himself, and we have dates together. That's our routine!! Trying to keep things fun and exciting. It sucks that you two havent made a fun eventful routine. Maybe talk to him about it like how you expressed the situation to us!! Best of luck!![/quote]

Ops, sorry. I forgot to say that we've talked about it several times and he believes that I have a problem.
He says I'm not happy at home, while I am, but I also like to be opened to life's different experiences.
His example is a traditional family (his mom and dad) who always had this kind of routine: no friends, going to play tennis twice a week, spending time with their 40 years old children(!) and then tv, tv, tv...

My example were my grandparents (I grew up with them) who worked together, but also went fishing together, invited friends at home, went out in the evening to have fun and spend a very happy time with me too. So, very different backrounds.

[VPT]

Originally Posted by Babi

Ops, sorry. I forgot to say that we've talked about it several times and he believes that I have a problem.
He says I'm not happy at home, while I am, but I also like to be opened to life's different experiences.
His example is a traditional family (his mom and dad) who always had this kind of routine: no friends, going to play tennis twice a week, spending time with their 40 years old children(!) and then tv, tv, tv...

My example were my grandparents (I grew up with them) who worked together, but also went fishing together, invited friends at home, went out in the evening to have fun and spend a very happy time with me too. So, very different backrounds.

Yeah I know the feeling. Question is if you want to marry him. If you do, then prepare to wait.... 1 month, 5 years, 20 years, and there's no guarantee still. It seems you both don't quite sync - his idea of fun is not your idea of fun. He doesn't know when you're happy or at ease. Marriage will NOT solve this, if at all it will enhance it (in your case make it worse). You either resolve your differences now or it will never happen. If you try to resolve differences now and he's not willing, it can be a sign that he's not that into you (and therefore marriage), so be prepared to face reality. A man is usually accommodating or tries to be, although the woman has a higher threshold for suffering. One of the signs that a man is really interested and loves you, is when he tries to make you happy or puts your interests before his. Ask any happily married couple who has been together for 5 or more years.

[barcreperie]

Babi, how old is your boyfriend? This sounds like an upper middle-aged person's behavior - most people seem to slow down a bit as they get older, spending more time at home.

[lovinalotofbags]

It sounds like his behavior was like this before he moved there, with his family at least. I do not see anything changing in the future, whether you get married or have children. Talk to him about how you are feeling. You have to decide if this is what you want your life to be, b/c he is not going to change. Marriage and children do not change people. If issues are there beforehand, they will continue to be there.

[Babi]

Thank you for your opinions. I do really appreciate.
My BF is 39, 40 in january.
And yes, this was a bit his beheaviour when he used to live with his parents, but when we were dating he liked my lifestyle. He liked to meet my friends, he was curious and liked people and we had so many projects (like a learning to go sailing, to buy a small sailing boat together)...now he has totally lost this enthusiasm and has gone back to his old habits.

So, since I know that marriage and children are not going to solve anything, I'm wondering what should I do now to sync. ourselves?
VPT, yes: I'm also wondering how much he really loves me, and also wondering myself. We're becoming like an old bored couple and this is exactly what I did not want from my life.

[GirlFriday]

Originally Posted by VPT

One of the signs that a man is really interested and loves you, is when he tries to make you happy or puts your interests before his. Ask any happily married couple who has been together for 5 or more years.

I agree with this. If he's not willing to compromise and do things to make you happy, this is a bad sign, especially since you're not even married yet. My husband and I have had some similar issues, but we try to compromise and do things that the other likes to make each other happy. If he won't get off his butt and get a little more active with you, he's not being very considerate.

[lovinalotofbags]

I believe he really loves you. He has just reverted back to his laid back routine. Talk to him and tell him you do not your relationship to become stagnate to the point where you are going to resent him and him resenting you for going out with your friends and having a bit of fun. Relationships take work and compromise to work. He should at least commit to doing something fun and that he enjoys also with you at least once a month. You only go around once. Couple do things together even if they may not want to b/c this is what couples who care about each other do.

[Babi]

lovinalotofbags, you're right: compromise is the key...And yes, I usually do things I don't really love (like going to his parents' home once every 3 weeks) to make him happy, to see him happy. I can even spend the whole sunday afternoon, from 2 pm to 6 pm or more watching motorbikes, cars and football matches! (Me..I can't even believe it!)
I'd like to see him happy also doing things together, but he prefers the sofa..
Finding a compromise won't be easy, but I'll try to talk to him again one of these days.

[maddog]

The question is can you tolerate the rest of your life like this or can you work around it? Can you be ok with him vegging on the couch on Sundays while you hang out with your gfs? I get the impression that you can't, but don't know what to do.

However, I think you do know what to do. It's just difficult to make that change.

If you made a decision and it's just a matter of when, do it sooner rather than later. In terms of having children, while the biological clock starts ticking for women in the late 20s, I read that it starts for the men at 37-39. Since he still hasn't done anything about it, it's highly unlikely that he wants children. Besides, would you want to subject your future children to a life of utter boredom? With fertility clinics and adoption these days, it's not too late for you to have children still, if you are worried about finding another man to share a family with.

Now, my bf and I are relatively boring. We don't party much. We watch a lot of tv, but we also go out and watch movies, hang out with friends, take vacations, shop, go to concerts, etc. We do our own boys/girls nights outs and go to different exercising places. So while I say we're boring cuz we both enjoy doing nothing but NAP, we also enjoy many other things together and alone.

[Babi]

Originally Posted by maddog

The question is can you tolerate the rest of your life like this or can you work around it? Can you be ok with him vegging on the couch on Sundays while you hang out with your gfs? I get the impression that you can't, but don't know what to do.

However, I think you do know what to do. It's just difficult to make that change.

If you made a decision and it's just a matter of when, do it sooner rather than later. In terms of having children, while the biological clock starts ticking for women in the late 20s, I read that it starts for the men at 37-39. Since he still hasn't done anything about it, it's highly unlikely that he wants children. Besides, would you want to subject your future children to a life of utter boredom? With fertility clinics and adoption these days, it's not too late for you to have children still, if you are worried about finding another man to share a family with.

Now, my bf and I are relatively boring. We don't party much. We watch a lot of tv, but we also go out and watch movies, hang out with friends, take vacations, shop, go to concerts, etc. We do our own boys/girls nights outs and go to different exercising places. So while I say we're boring cuz we both enjoy doing nothing but NAP, we also enjoy many other things together and alone.

I still haven't decided anything: I'm just confused, after all these years together. I'm starting to realize that probably he's not going to change.
I don't mean we should go partying: I don't really care. I'd like to have a funnier life together because I think it is extremely important for the couple to survive (in fact I don't think it's a casuality we don't have passion anymore).
But I think that a curious attitude is also the right one to let children grow in a lively and positive way: parents should be curious and active, to take care of them (first of all) but also to take them to museums, in the countryside...you can't always be tired!
I remember my holidays with my family: sometimes relaxing, sometimes they were taking me to special places like Paris (in summer...incredibly hot!) to show me all the important monuments and museums. And it was very tiring for them, I can imagine now. But it was important for them to start showing me "the world". And they took me to so many art exhibitions! (again, I have to thank them, because visiting museums isn't the most relaxing activity) Or they used to take me to the theatre..now I love theatre and it's also because of that. I have the tickets every year and my BF doesn't want to come, preferring CSI
These are also random thoughts I have when I think about our way of living.

[VPT]

Or maybe you and your bf are just not compatible. If you have different life goals and can't communicate non-verbally, trust me carrying on into marriage will be a rough ride. Not impossible but why stress yourself over something you can't change immediately? Like maddog's situation, my DH and I aren't party lovers anymore, we love staying home and chill doing our own thing or go on short travels together, other people may see us as boring but we're totally happy this way, kwim?