[VPT]

Originally Posted by Babi

I still haven't decided anything: I'm just confused, after all these years together. I'm starting to realize that probably he's not going to change.

Hmm.. classic pre-marital anticipation. Sorry to slap you with the hard truth. Guys don't change. In fact they become worse, the time just before marriage is usually the best, as people say during courtship your guy gets the moon for you, during marriage he demands you get the moon and the galaxies for him. Guys change only when they want to. Not when you want him to.

Originally Posted by Babi

But I think that a curious attitude is also the right one to let children grow in a lively and positive way: parents should be curious and active, to take care of them (first of all) but also to take them to museums, in the countryside...you can't always be tired!

How is he around kids? Does he tease them, play with them, converse in kidspeak with them? What you see is what you will almost get with your own kids, although some boring boyfriends transform into great fathers later on, so you can't really tell if he will be active and lively later on, but this shouldn't bother you right now. Now you should focus on marrying a guy who shares the same life goals, the same humor, and the same wavelength as you. Otherwise I don't know how you can proceed with married life, communication will be a constant struggle.

You see it's normally a masculine thing to provide and to keep the spouse/lover happy. (Won't say man thing cos butches too have this trait). If your guy can't tell what you want and when you are happy, how is he going to satisfy you? Don't even think about all the time you've spent together, time and money spent are never justifications for carrying on a relationship and marrying a person.

I have a good friend who divorced recently after spending 11 married years with her (ex) husband she barely knew. In counseling it was found that their marriage fell apart because they couldn't satisfy one another. I was shocked because I used to hang out with them for years and all those times I thought they looked happy together. What I'm implying is that sometimes things can be fixed in a relationship, some things never.

[~Fabulousity~]

This is why relationships/marriage are work! Even though he may not feel like doing x,y,z he has to consider your feelings and at least give those things a shot. I think you really need to talk to him and let him know how unhappy you are. If he still doesn't change after the talk then maybe its time for you to part ways, life is too short to be unhappy. And BTW married people do have fun its not all routine.

[Babi]

Originally Posted by ~Fabulousity~

This is why relationships/marriage are work! Even though he may not feel like doing x,y,z he has to consider your feelings and at least give those things a shot. I think you really need to talk to him and let him know how unhappy you are. If he still doesn't change after the talk then maybe its time for you to part ways, life is too short to be unhappy. And BTW married people do have fun its not all routine.

I was suspecting that, yes: it's a good news!

Yes, I'm going to talk about it...but I don't feel unhappy, just very confused and thoughtful. Thank you.

[Babi]

Originally Posted by VPT

Hmm.. classic pre-marital anticipation. Sorry to slap you with the hard truth. Guys don't change. In fact they become worse, the time just before marriage is usually the best, as people say during courtship your guy gets the moon for you, during marriage he demands you get the moon and the galaxies for him. Guys change only when they want to. Not when you want him to.



How is he around kids? Does he tease them, play with them, converse in kidspeak with them? What you see is what you will almost get with your own kids, although some boring boyfriends transform into great fathers later on, so you can't really tell if he will be active and lively later on, but this shouldn't bother you right now. Now you should focus on marrying a guy who shares the same life goals, the same humor, and the same wavelength as you. Otherwise I don't know how you can proceed with married life, communication will be a constant struggle.

You see it's normally a masculine thing to provide and to keep the spouse/lover happy. (Won't say man thing cos butches too have this trait). If your guy can't tell what you want and when you are happy, how is he going to satisfy you? Don't even think about all the time you've spent together, time and money spent are never justifications for carrying on a relationship and marrying a person.

I have a good friend who divorced recently after spending 11 married years with her (ex) husband she barely knew. In counseling it was found that their marriage fell apart because they couldn't satisfy one another. I was shocked because I used to hang out with them for years and all those times I thought they looked happy together. What I'm implying is that sometimes things can be fixed in a relationship, some things never.

after 11 years?!
My God ...I could start screaming without stopping for a week!
It also happens that people do change and so maybe you can marry the man of your dreams and after some years you both took different directions.
But It can be terribly frustrating if you discover that he's never been the man of your dreams!

I will talk, promise...Maybe it's better waiting a quiet period (like holidays in august) and then talk about everything in our relation. Our plans, our aims and decide together what's the best path to follow: if common or separated. If common, well' have to work on it seriously. If separated...well...maybe I would go on my life without sentimental problems, to become a nice old maid

But thank to all of you for listening to my problems and giving me support.
TPF is always a special place

[VPT]

Originally Posted by Babi

If separated...well...maybe I would go on my life without sentimental problems, to become a nice old maid

I don't think so. Every woman who desires to get married someday will have a chance at it in life. Attracting a potential husband might require a little effort for most, second nature to some. Go read Surrended Single by Laura Doyle, she has helped countless single women find freedom within themselves and attracting a man perfect for them. Maybe you should give it a read before you have this chat with him, just to see what you're missing.

[Schmodi]

Your SO sounds just like my 29 year old BF. I'm having the same issues right now because I feel like an old married couple and I'm really starting to have issues with it.

You're spot on with the mother feeling. Last year my boyfriend and I became like a team which was a huge step and great, but then he became sooo comfortable that I had to mother him, clean up after him, keep his life together-it's tiring and not what I want in a man.

So I get you're having doubts...

[Babi]

Hi Schmodi!

I think you should have a chatter with your BF, too.
Maybe he's starting to feel comfortable with you taing care of him and his needs. But this is not going to make YOU comfortable at all.
You're young and so there's still time to grow up together and change habits.
A point I've read here and that made me think is that a man in love should do whatever he can to make his woman happy: he cannot only take, but most important, give! Love, care, fun...whatever you may need.
Good luck!

VPT, I was joking, but I wouldn't mind looking for the book you wrote.
Also I'm thinking that if we'll go through this phase, I'd like to go to a psychologist with my BF, to have a chatter together.