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mcbaglovin · Jul 8th, 2009, 07:41 AM

i really don't believe in staying together for the children's sake.

my husband's side of the family are mostly divorced and very few divorces on my side. so my husband has said that he doesn't want to put his kids through what he went through. his parents divorced when he was 15 and it was hard on him, which was around the time we met. but his actions don't prove that he's willing to do whatever it takes to keep his marriage intact.

we married at a pretty young age because we were pregnant. through the past 12 years of being together, he's put me through so much i'm surprised i have enough patience to still be married to him. and i'm running out of it. he still hasn't grown up and accepted his responsibility as husband and father. i feel like he resents me for the "situation" that he's in. i just feel like we'd all be happier and better off not living together.

baby&melovelv · Jul 8th, 2009, 08:06 AM

i taught high school for years and every day we had discussions. this topic was a popular one. what surprised me (i am not from a family of divorce) was how many of the kids said that their parents' divorcing was a GOOD thing. hard at first, but in the long run the kids said that it was for the best for everyone. that really surprised me- these kids were all seniors, too.

sarasmith3269 · Jul 8th, 2009, 08:26 AM

^^^I think that sometimes kids say its a good thing because thats what people tell them. The parents or anyone would never say, honey this divorce is a bad terrible thing. So unfortunatly i think SOME (not all) kids might say this, because this is what they are told and maybe not actually what they feel. I will say that the actual seperation of parents during the divorce i dont find to be the hardest. The hardest thing for me was all the different directions i was pulled in my life, the arguments that had nothing to do with me, hearing them talk about each other, seeing them date other people. the way they acted once divorced (less of a parent, more like a single person who wants to go out and have fun). If they would have just divorced and lived next door to each other and remained exactly the same (personality etc) the divorce would have been great. UNFORTUNATLY, I think a considerable amount of the time once a divorce happens one or both parents feels somewhat like going out and finding themselves and getting their "life back" and ends up acting/changing/becoming very different than what their children know them as. It can be very alienating and hurtful for the children. Of course, not in every case, but i went through it, and i see it happen often.

merika · Jul 8th, 2009, 09:07 AM

Originally Posted by sarasmith3269

^^^I think that sometimes kids say its a good thing because thats what people tell them. The parents or anyone would never say, honey this divorce is a bad terrible thing. So unfortunatly i think SOME (not all) kids might say this, because this is what they are told and maybe not actually what they feel. I will say that the actual seperation of parents during the divorce i dont find to be the hardest. The hardest thing for me was all the different directions i was pulled in my life, the arguments that had nothing to do with me, hearing them talk about each other, seeing them date other people. the way they acted once divorced (less of a parent, more like a single person who wants to go out and have fun). If they would have just divorced and lived next door to each other and remained exactly the same (personality etc) the divorce would have been great. UNFORTUNATLY, I think a considerable amount of the time once a divorce happens one or both parents feels somewhat like going out and finding themselves and getting their "life back" and ends up acting/changing/becoming very different than what their children know them as. It can be very alienating and hurtful for the children. Of course, not in every case, but i went through it, and i see it happen often.

I think most kids say it's a great thing because often it stops the fighting, if it has been happening (not that it stops entirely but usually moves on to lawyers, fights over the phone etc) but the physical fear is greatly diminished.

How parents behave post-divorce is not a fault of getting a divorce. Some parents behave the same way even after being widowed - i.e, not have much consideration for the kids involved, wanting to have their own "life back" as comfortable for them only.

sarasmith3269 · Jul 8th, 2009, 09:26 AM

^^^agreed. Thats why I think sometimes divorce gets a bad rap, because of the actions of the parents after the divorce. I agree that its not the actual divorce its self but how the family handles the divorce.

Nieners · Jul 9th, 2009, 07:01 AM

I think that if the parents argue a lot or are noticably unhappy, that it's better for the child to split. A child deserves to be in a peaceful environment and it will most likely notice what's going on. This is happening right now to my little sister. My parents don't get along well and argue a lot, she hears it and then runs to me to get away from all that mess. In that case, I'd say it's best for them to split.

NYCBelle · Jul 9th, 2009, 09:39 AM

I'm in the same situation as you: Lot of divorce on my side but DF's parents have been happily together for 30 something years...which I found totally weird when he told me his parents are still together.

Speaking from my childhood my parents fought so much that I would pray when I was little for them to get a divorce...I had to wait until my 20s for them to divorce. They slept in the same house for years in separate bedrooms and ignoring each other and sometimes arguing. And now they get along fine after the divorce go figure.

But if the marriage is not repairable I say get divorced...It's not healthy for children and I spent a lot of years hating my dad a lot. But after they got divorced I've gotten along with him better and have even gone on vacation with him.

Just because they're children doesn't mean they don't feel the tension in the household. i definitely felt it at 7 through 10 years old

NYCBelle · Jul 9th, 2009, 09:40 AM

Originally Posted by Nieners

I think that if the parents argue a lot or are noticably unhappy, that it's better for the child to split. A child deserves to be in a peaceful environment and it will most likely notice what's going on. This is happening right now to my little sister. My parents don't get along well and argue a lot, she hears it and then runs to me to get away from all that mess. In that case, I'd say it's best for them to split.

Well said Nieners

SunnyFreckles · Jul 11th, 2009, 12:36 AM

Originally Posted by dearmissie

You and I both babes.

It's so sad to hear that it's 60/40 now. I think of all the kids involved and it breaks my heart a lot of the times because I remember looking back growing up and how hard it was for me.

HUGS, girlie!!!

I am so happy to see that this thread has stayed so level-headed! That is awesome!

I hope that you are doing better now...I am sure being grown up makes it all different, but I am sure you still feel the hurt here and again. You da bomb, baby! Keep that smile on your face!

kimberf · Jul 11th, 2009, 12:55 AM

I have friends whose parents stayed together for the kids, and they were totally conscious of the strain and unhappiness in the relationship. It wasn't a good thing for them.

Overall, though, I think this is one of those topics that you can't really decide in advance, no matter how much you think it through. Whatever circumstances you go through will be so unique that you'll have to go with your feelings at the time; you may think that you wouldn't stay with someone who was unfaithful, but if it actually happened, you might; or you might think you'd stay even if you were unhappy, but realize that in actuality, you can't work it out. I definitely wouldn't fret at all about having different opinions from your DF (and certainly not from his family), as long as you aren't ready to bail at the drop of a hat, which it doesn't sound like you are.

Jul 8th, 2009, 07:41 AM	#46
mcbaglovin My Bags R My BFFs Joined: Mar 2009 Location: WI Posts: 580	i really don't believe in staying together for the children's sake. my husband's side of the family are mostly divorced and very few divorces on my side. so my husband has said that he doesn't want to put his kids through what he went through. his parents divorced when he was 15 and it was hard on him, which was around the time we met. but his actions don't prove that he's willing to do whatever it takes to keep his marriage intact. we married at a pretty young age because we were pregnant. through the past 12 years of being together, he's put me through so much i'm surprised i have enough patience to still be married to him. and i'm running out of it. he still hasn't grown up and accepted his responsibility as husband and father. i feel like he resents me for the "situation" that he's in. i just feel like we'd all be happier and better off not living together.
	__________________ ________________ I miss winter.

Jul 8th, 2009, 08:06 AM	#47
baby&melovelv That's what she said Joined: Aug 2006 Location: boston-ish Posts: 2,564	i taught high school for years and every day we had discussions. this topic was a popular one. what surprised me (i am not from a family of divorce) was how many of the kids said that their parents' divorcing was a GOOD thing. hard at first, but in the long run the kids said that it was for the best for everyone. that really surprised me- these kids were all seniors, too.
	__________________

Jul 8th, 2009, 08:26 AM	#48
sarasmith3269 Member Joined: Oct 2008 Posts: 683	^^^I think that sometimes kids say its a good thing because thats what people tell them. The parents or anyone would never say, honey this divorce is a bad terrible thing. So unfortunatly i think SOME (not all) kids might say this, because this is what they are told and maybe not actually what they feel. I will say that the actual seperation of parents during the divorce i dont find to be the hardest. The hardest thing for me was all the different directions i was pulled in my life, the arguments that had nothing to do with me, hearing them talk about each other, seeing them date other people. the way they acted once divorced (less of a parent, more like a single person who wants to go out and have fun). If they would have just divorced and lived next door to each other and remained exactly the same (personality etc) the divorce would have been great. UNFORTUNATLY, I think a considerable amount of the time once a divorce happens one or both parents feels somewhat like going out and finding themselves and getting their "life back" and ends up acting/changing/becoming very different than what their children know them as. It can be very alienating and hurtful for the children. Of course, not in every case, but i went through it, and i see it happen often.
sarasmith3269 Member Joined: Oct 2008 Posts: 683

Jul 8th, 2009, 09:26 AM	#50
sarasmith3269 Member Joined: Oct 2008 Posts: 683	^^^agreed. Thats why I think sometimes divorce gets a bad rap, because of the actions of the parents after the divorce. I agree that its not the actual divorce its self but how the family handles the divorce.
sarasmith3269 Member Joined: Oct 2008 Posts: 683

Jul 9th, 2009, 07:01 AM	#51
Nieners ❀ ♥ Loubounista ♥ ❀ Joined: Dec 2008 Location: Alaska in winter Posts: 2,339	I think that if the parents argue a lot or are noticably unhappy, that it's better for the child to split. A child deserves to be in a peaceful environment and it will most likely notice what's going on. This is happening right now to my little sister. My parents don't get along well and argue a lot, she hears it and then runs to me to get away from all that mess. In that case, I'd say it's best for them to split.
	__________________ ♥ ''If we never see each other again, and one day, you feel a certain presence beside you... that would be me loving you wherever I am.'' ♥ HG: ❀ Fiorellino's ❀ 39 - 39.5, nude VPs sz 38.5 - 39 UHG: - NP nude mini glitter/gold specchio - Black or Ivory Jaws sz 38.5 - 39

Jul 9th, 2009, 09:39 AM	#52
NYCBelle Yahtzee anyone?? Joined: Oct 2006 Location: 57th & 5th Ave Posts: 5,531	I'm in the same situation as you: Lot of divorce on my side but DF's parents have been happily together for 30 something years...which I found totally weird when he told me his parents are still together. Speaking from my childhood my parents fought so much that I would pray when I was little for them to get a divorce...I had to wait until my 20s for them to divorce. They slept in the same house for years in separate bedrooms and ignoring each other and sometimes arguing. And now they get along fine after the divorce go figure. But if the marriage is not repairable I say get divorced...It's not healthy for children and I spent a lot of years hating my dad a lot. But after they got divorced I've gotten along with him better and have even gone on vacation with him. Just because they're children doesn't mean they don't feel the tension in the household. i definitely felt it at 7 through 10 years old
	__________________ "Is there blood in my hair?" On a serious ban...Have a wedding to plan

Jul 11th, 2009, 12:55 AM	#55
kimberf Member Joined: Mar 2007 Location: California Posts: 2,868	I have friends whose parents stayed together for the kids, and they were totally conscious of the strain and unhappiness in the relationship. It wasn't a good thing for them. Overall, though, I think this is one of those topics that you can't really decide in advance, no matter how much you think it through. Whatever circumstances you go through will be so unique that you'll have to go with your feelings at the time; you may think that you wouldn't stay with someone who was unfaithful, but if it actually happened, you might; or you might think you'd stay even if you were unhappy, but realize that in actuality, you can't work it out. I definitely wouldn't fret at all about having different opinions from your DF (and certainly not from his family), as long as you aren't ready to bail at the drop of a hat, which it doesn't sound like you are.

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