Respectful opinions on divorcing when children are involved.

[una]

Relationships and marriage are hard. Kids are going to learn that at some point. Ideally parents should be happy together, so a couple should be prepared to work at their relationship when it hits the rocks. But if the marriage is totally unsalvageable, staying together and being miserable teaches the kids the wrong lesson.

A friend of mine (when we were kids) used to tell me that he wished his parents would get divorced because they're so miserable together. Divorce can sometimes be a relief to the children... though of course there are loads of reasons that divorce will make the children upset. I think seeing the parents treating eachother like rubbish (e.g. by cheating or being at each other's throats all the time) is pretty bad for the kids too. Things like that often come along with divorce, and sometimes I think they can be worse for the kids involved.

[jellybebe]

Although I agree that the children's lives will never be the same, I am strongly opposed to staying married just because there are children. I have seen too many situations where the parents are clearly staying together just for this reason. In one case, the children are grown up and the parents are still putting on this facade. One of the kids (my friend) is psychologically wounded and has a hard time in relationships because she has grown up in such a dysfunctional environment. I think keeping up a charade like this is only going to hurt the children more in the long run. They will learn that keeping up appearances is more important than finding happiness or worse, they may find themselves in a similar situation.

I think divorce should be a last resort regardless of whether children are involved, but I also don't think that people should refrain from divorcing if their marriage is truly not working and they have children.

[bonchicgenre]

I come from a separated home. Although I may be the minority in my opinion, for me the divorce was a good thing. The fighting got old, and yes it was sad to see how hurt both my Mom and Dad were but in the end it got better. They both remarried to amazing wonderful people and I feel I grew up with 4 of the best parents ever. It was ahrd at times because I went to a private Catholic school but over time it goes easier. I couldn't imagine my life any other way and I was blessed by the divorce. Totally sounds crazy I know :)

[GirlFriday]

Originally Posted by HauteMama

It is a complicated issue, and there might always be exceptions, but generally speaking if there are not one of "the big three" (abuse, adultery, addiction) I think people should stick with it. Overall, people expect to be happy all the time, and that just isn't realistic. Real life can be stressful, boring and tedious sometimes, and that often has nothing to do with a person's spouse. Yes, meeting someone new is exciting and we can have feelings of infatuation even though we are married. But acting on that and thinking that someone else will be your "soulmate" or will make you happy is a mistake. More often than not, people find themselves with someone new and realize a few years down the line that the new person isn't magical and that life with them really isn't much different. Except now they have broken their home and family and have no family to return to. This is why the divorce rate on second marriages are even higher than on first marriages. No lover can sweep you away from everyday life, even if it feels like it in the beginning. Love does NOT conquer all. People need to make wiser decisions about who they marry and why. They need to be committed for the long run and not think that divorce is a solution. Like I said, there ARE exceptions, but the primary problem, IMO, is the entitlement attitudes people have about being excited, romantic and "in love" 100% of the time. Reality isn't that way. If more people accepted that from the beginning and married a good PARTNER, there would be fewer divorces.

Excellent post!

[winnie83]

Here's my 2 cents...in my early teens my parents went through a really rough patch and nearly got a divorce, but they've since worked through that and are still together right now. However, I remember clearly that I told my dad (I was 12 at the time) that they should just get divorced because their constant fights and tension at home were just too much for my brother and I to bear. I remember cowering under my blanket listening to them arguing in the middle of the night and feeling the heavy tension in the air throughout the day.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, divorce is not always bad for the kids. I'm glad that my parents are at a much better phase of their relationship now, and hope that they stayed together because of each other and not because of my brother and I. Divorced or not, parents would always still be parents, and I can't imagine loving either of them any less had they chosen a different path last time.

[Swanky Mama Of Three]

I'm a product of divorce in a family otherwise together, meaning all the grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. . . are intact.
I wasn't exposed to the ugly side of divorce, as a child it seemed to me to be resolved relatively amicably; no fighting, no courts, etc. . .

That said, I strongly believe a large percentage of folks that divorce do it because they can, I don't feel that enough people take the commitment of marriage and starting their family serious enough and bail when it becomes more work than they expected.
I really feel, as a parent and as a product of divorce, that it should be the VERY last resort.

[Swanky Mama Of Three]

oh! And as I often do, I agree w/ HauteMama.

[vhdos]

Originally Posted by Christine

I can't answer this smartly. My DH has two kids and the mom left them at infants. There are no guarantees in life. Sorry that kids should have to suffer. Idealy there are two parents. But in general that should not be pushed over on the kids. Love and attention should. So one should grow up knowing they are loved, not the quantity of people loving them. That's all I have.

When I was about 10 years-old my parents' marriage came to a screeching halt. Cheating, Affairs, drama, fighting. It was rough. I still don't know the real story, but I have heard the story from both sides and each story is a bit different. The truly difficult part for us was that our mom left us and moved across country with her new boyfriend. Dad raised us (three girls) and did the best he could working full-time and playing in a band on the weekends. Lots of help from grandma, who was wonderful.
I can't say what would have happened if they had tried to work it out and stay together. My thoughts are that their relationship was just too far gone and being together probably would have been worse than getting divorced. I think the key is maintaining quality relationships with BOTH parents even though they are divorced. My sisters and I suffered terribly not having the quality relationship that a young girl needs with her mom. Out of the three of us, I have recovered the best because somehow I was able to move on. I don't necessarily think that it is divorce itself that creates disfunction, it's how the parents deal with it. Divorce can be a very difficult process for a child, but if both parents maintain the quality relationships that their children need, expect, and deserve, than lives don't have to be greatly compromised.

[Swanky Mama Of Three]

^My sis and I were also raised by our Dad, I identify w/ you on not having a strong female role model growing up. It was harsh

[cookie888]

Originally Posted by dearmissie

So much of this post, I can personally agree with. For a time period of my life I too got away with so much because my Mom didn't know what I was up to. I had to mature quickly and I feel as if I missed out on a lot of my childhood. I work with children now and always have a genuine good time with them because I think A: Wow, I never had this growing up!! and B: I want to genuinely have a good time so this child can feel it, s/he deserves to have fun in their life when they are young, something I didn't have too much of. (Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate what my Mom tried to provide for me, she's amazing. But even she admits she wishes she could have done more.) At times my DF says I can be cold as well. I think it's because I'm just so routine and don't care for change as much as he does. I'm guarded when it comes to certain things and don't let people get too close to me personally. I am very friendly, but I don't let people into my heart very often. I feel like divorce has effected me in a way which has strengthened me by giving me thicker skin and realizing what really can happen however its also disabled me at the same time by making me quick to cut people out of my life if they have hurt me and I fear they may cause more damage before they get close to me. And it's also made me not allow anyone to get too close to me, I'm very very picky in fear of "divorcing" friends or what not.

I totally agree

[bisousx]

Hi Missie,

this is my 2 cents, as a person whose parents divorced when I was 17, and also a person who is now divorced (ugh). I think life is short and you should spend it being as happy as possible. If you are unhappy with your partner, your kids will eventually pick up on it. And as a child, I want my parents to be happy so there is no way I would ever want them to be together if they didn't want to be.

[GirlFriday]

Originally Posted by vhdos

When I was about 10 years-old my parents' marriage came to a screeching halt. Cheating, Affairs, drama, fighting. It was rough. I still don't know the real story, but I have heard the story from both sides and each story is a bit different. The truly difficult part for us was that our mom left us and moved across country with her new boyfriend. Dad raised us (three girls) and did the best he could working full-time and playing in a band on the weekends. Lots of help from grandma, who was wonderful. I can't say what would have happened if they had tried to work it out and stay together. My thoughts are that their relationship was just too far gone and being together probably would have been worse than getting divorced. I think the key is maintaining quality relationships with BOTH parents even though they are divorced. My sisters and I suffered terribly not having the quality relationship that a young girl needs with her mom. Out of the three of us, I have recovered the best because somehow I was able to move on. I don't necessarily think that it is divorce itself that creates disfunction, it's how the parents deal with it. Divorce can be a very difficult process for a child, but if both parents maintain the quality relationships that their children need, expect, and deserve, than lives don't have to be greatly compromised.

I think this is true. Divorce is hard on kids, but if parents act maturely, it will mitigate the harmful effects.

[msJenna]

My parents split when I was 5 and it was probably the most devastating thing that has ever happened.


I was lucky enough to have a really great dad who was always super involved but unfortunately my mom blamed herself for a lot of stuff and that still impacts the relationship we have today.

We still talk a lot but I'll never forgive her.

[SunnyFreckles]

All of my aunts and uncles on my mom's side divorced. We were all so very young when it happened.

None of the adults were grown-ups at all. In fact, there was a time when my uncle painted "Internet Whore" on their then-oober large satalite dish. She was having online affairs.

As we have grown up, some of my cousins turned out just fine and others turned out to be deviant trouble-makers (jail, prison, etc...). Who knows if their parents divorces were the direct cause or not, but I remember so many nights of late phone calls and my mom going and getting the kids and bringing them to our home.

Now that I am an adult, I see some of my friends going through divorce with kids involved. The most recent has been the most heart-breaking, but only because the kids are being dragged along for the ride. How any parent can think of themselves first and not those kids I will never understand.

I just can't imagine (basically my point I guess...) is that there is no right or wrong way to answer your question. Too bad there isn't a good book out there giving instructions to parents with kids. (I am sure there is something out there...but no one seems to follow it! )

It is just a shame. My mom told me that the divorce rate now is 60/40. Is that even right?!

I feel so bad for kids who get the short end of the stick. I know at the end of the day it doesn't always happen this way, but I also think that we never hear about the "good" that comes out of things like this.

[dearmissie]

Originally Posted by SunnyFreckles

All of my aunts and uncles on my mom's side divorced. We were all so very young when it happened. None of the adults were grown-ups at all. In fact, there was a time when my uncle painted "Internet Whore" on their then-oober large satalite dish. She was having online affairs. As we have grown up, some of my cousins turned out just fine and others turned out to be deviant trouble-makers (jail, prison, etc...). Who knows if their parents divorces were the direct cause or not, but I remember so many nights of late phone calls and my mom going and getting the kids and bringing them to our home. Now that I am an adult, I see some of my friends going through divorce with kids involved. The most recent has been the most heart-breaking, but only because the kids are being dragged along for the ride. How any parent can think of themselves first and not those kids I will never understand. I just can't imagine (basically my point I guess...) is that there is no right or wrong way to answer your question. Too bad there isn't a good book out there giving instructions to parents with kids. (I am sure there is something out there...but no one seems to follow it! ) It is just a shame. My mom told me that the divorce rate now is 60/40. Is that even right?! I feel so bad for kids who get the short end of the stick. I know at the end of the day it doesn't always happen this way, but I also think that we never hear about the "good" that comes out of things like this.

You and I both babes.

It's so sad to hear that it's 60/40 now. I think of all the kids involved and it breaks my heart a lot of the times because I remember looking back growing up and how hard it was for me.