Respectful opinions on divorcing when children are involved.

[BagLadie]

wow missie - this couldn't have come at a better time for me!

When a couple is married and unhappy - children sense this - it doesn't make for a happy home life. I think if two people can amicably divorce and share custody of the kids and make sure those kids receive proper attention - it can work.

[cutiepie21]

I think divorce is fine and I don't know any married couples who are divorced, except maybe my sister's gym teacher, but I only met her once.

My take on things is, if a couple is considering divorce, it is because they are extremely unhappy in the marriage. It doesn't make sense to continue being unhappy when you can find happiness somewhere else or with someone else. Kids aren't as dumb as people think they are and can see the unhappiness from one or both parents. The child may not understand where the unhappiness is coming from and place blame internally.

I took a marriage counseling class a few years back and if I remember correctly, my professor said that couples who go into counseling with the idea of saving their marriage will be more successful than couples going into counseling where one of them has already decided that they want divorce. So the critical period to seek outside help for marital problems is before it gets to the point where divorce is being seriously considered by one partner. Marriages where infidelity is an issue almost always end in divorce.

[nooch]

My father was a junkie and my mother was/is mentally ill. We were so poor that they used to steal food.

They divorced, and my father cleaned up and my mother had enough money to feed us.

I stopped hiding under my bed every time they were both home at the same time.

I got an amazing stepmother, a baby brother, and recently a great stepfather & his kids (around my age) in my life.

So I gotta say, I don't see the point in "trying to work on it" when it's so far gone.

Their divorce was not at all amicable and they both acted like children and made us (especially me as the oldest) feel like crap all the time, but I am very, very thankful they didn't stay together. It would have been like resigning themselves to their lives being over in their 30s.

I'm also (although I'm married) not very hung up on marriage as an institution - love is more important than marriage - so take what I think with a grain of salt I guess. (I realized that may have come off as "I don't love my husband" - I absolutely do - I just don't love him any more than I did before we were married.)

[chinahopes]

Similar to your story, divorce was very present in my life also.. not so much in my family, but within my friends' families. And my parents were divorced.

I remember being 8 or 9 and this little girl moved next door to me.. and she told me she had 1 brother and 1 sister.. and I said to her, "who do you live with, your mom or your dad?" and she said "both." And I just could not believe it, that she lived with both of her parents and their marriage had lasted that long (probably about 10 years by that time.) It absolutely amazed me. And in retrospect, thinking about my state of mind back then saddens me.

I have two kids and I am married and I hope to be married to the father of my kids until the day that I die; and if I am, I will probably consider it the greatest accomplishment of my life because I think divorce is commonplace nowadays. While I don't think you should stay together just for the kids, I think that parents give up too easily these days and when the going gets tough, they hit the door. I think the kids deserve a wholehearted effort to make things work, and then if it does not, at least they genuinely tried...

[cookie888]

My parents divorced when I was 15ish. It made me grow a thick skin and sometimes by boyfriend thinks I don't have a heart. In fact his nickname for me is sometimes the Ice-Queen. It was a sad time and I became a mother to my younger brothers - who were 14 and 9 at the time.

Divorce sucks and I became a rebel at home. I went out all the time and my dad didn't know what to do with me. At one point he physically chucked me out of the house. That's when I started to grow up. I remember asking my dad to go halves with me on the cost of a pair of trainers and he said no. From that moment on I've been self-dependant and made my own money.

Being a product of a divorce has made me more critical of relationships and for some reason I seem to focus prefect relationships on those from the movies with the happy ending. I know in reality that relationships need more work some days more than others so I'm not completely delusional! I'm aware I have unrealistic high expectations and work on this often.

My boyfriend comes from a family where divorce is uncommon. In fact all my friends have parents who are still together so I feel a little isolated. It's cool though.

I suppose all I can say is Time is healer and forgiveness is key. PS my parents had a messy divorce where mum cheated on dad hence it was a hard divorce.

Needless to say, fences have been mended - 12 years later

[canada's]

Originally Posted by GirlFriday

If there's no abuse or adultery, then I think you should stick with it. Why? Because I think all married people have times in their lives where they're not happy, and they think of divorce, but you work through it. If you go in with the attitude thinking "well, if things get hard, we can divorce" then you'll end up divorced. Because marriage IS hard at times. I don't think marriage is about being "happy" all the time.

i agree with this.

my parents sat us down when i was 12 and said they were thinking about getting a divorce. i cannot even tell you the extent of the conversation because the minute i heard those words, i felt my entire world was crashing in on me. i can't even think about the situation without crying. my parents did fight, but they were never yelling or insane. to this day, i have no idea what the root of the issue was. i did not see that talk coming at all. i'm not sure i made a difference in their decision (i have no clue how far along they were in this decision, but probably far enough if they decided to tell their kids) and i'm sure i didn't, but they didn't get a divorce. i do not know if they went to counseling or worked things out on their own or what, but i do know they celebrated their 35th anniversary in may and are very much in love. they laugh constantly, and when i'm at their house, i might walk by their bedroom on my way to the bathroom or kitchen at night. i can hear them up talking and laughing and recapping their days. it really breaks my heart to think of what we all might have missed out on if they'd gone through with it.

the thing is, a bad year or two or three can wear on a person. we're only human and can only take so much. i can see how someone who'se had two miserable years in a role decides to get a divorce, but like all things, you have to push through it. if you're working towards your dream career and you have two years that set you back, do you give up? probably not. you know that two years is nothing in the span of your lifetime. with relationships, people aren't always willing to work and it's a shame. they devote more of themselves to work than to a healthy, loving relationship (possibly because a job never screwed them over, but that's another thread all together).

the thing is, if there's a god of any sort, they aren't going to be impressed with you suffering 20 years of turmoil to "make it." they are going to respect and love your dedication selfless love to another human being and family.

[Roo]

This is not a black and white issue. There are many shades of grey here.

Many people leave marriages for selfish reasons. I know someone who actively pursued a married man, divorced her husband, and he has left his wife. Two families with kids are now split up and there is a lot of pain for the spouses and kids left behind by this. I honestly believe if this person I know had not done this, this man would still be with his wife.

On the other hand, my husband left his marriage because his wife was unstable emotionally, was ruining them financially and had a substance abuse problem. He simply could not take it any more after trying to keep it together for a decade. He also felt he'd be a better parent to his kids if he was out of the situation.

Sadly, I do not think the kids were better off that he left, because the mother has alienated and manipulated them emotionally for years and although we've tried to influence them, they feel a huge emotional responsibility for her. As a result they've made bad choices as young adults that we've had to detach from because our influence and involvement in their lives is both not wanted, nor appreciated.

So there's really no yes or no answer here.

[KristyDarling]

Oh gosh, I know children of divorce who are happy, and children of divorce who are unhappy. I know children from "unbroken" families who are happy, and children from unbroken families who are unhappy. The outcome of divorce is never black and white.

It's going to be hard no matter what, but I think that if both parents are committed to shielding their children from animosity and turmoil, making sure the kids feel loved despite the circumstances, and they both do their best to find happiness as *individuals*, then their children have a pretty good chance of a having a happy childhood. My son's best friend has divorced parents, and they've done a great job of giving their kids two stable, loving homes with a predictable routine -- sooo important for little ones who need that sense of security. He is a very sweet, confident, cheerful, smart, well-behaved boy and I truly believe that his parents being divorced is a non-issue in his life.

[HauteMama]

It is a complicated issue, and there might always be exceptions, but generally speaking if there are not one of "the big three" (abuse, adultery, addiction) I think people should stick with it. Overall, people expect to be happy all the time, and that just isn't realistic. Real life can be stressful, boring and tedious sometimes, and that often has nothing to do with a person's spouse. Yes, meeting someone new is exciting and we can have feelings of infatuation even though we are married. But acting on that and thinking that someone else will be your "soulmate" or will make you happy is a mistake. More often than not, people find themselves with someone new and realize a few years down the line that the new person isn't magical and that life with them really isn't much different. Except now they have broken their home and family and have no family to return to. This is why the divorce rate on second marriages are even higher than on first marriages. No lover can sweep you away from everyday life, even if it feels like it in the beginning.

Love does NOT conquer all. People need to make wiser decisions about who they marry and why. They need to be committed for the long run and not think that divorce is a solution. Like I said, there ARE exceptions, but the primary problem, IMO, is the entitlement attitudes people have about being excited, romantic and "in love" 100% of the time. Reality isn't that way. If more people accepted that from the beginning and married a good PARTNER, there would be fewer divorces.

[dearmissie]

Originally Posted by BagLadie

wow missie - this couldn't have come at a better time for me! When a couple is married and unhappy - children sense this - it doesn't make for a happy home life. I think if two people can amicably divorce and share custody of the kids and make sure those kids receive proper attention - it can work.

I don't know if this was sarcasm or not (hard to tell over the internet!!), but I didn't mean to make this thread to make you feel upset or anything. Like I said, I was wanting to write this over a year ago. Hope you are not hurt.

[dearmissie]

Originally Posted by cutiepie21

I think divorce is fine and I don't know any married couples who are divorced, except maybe my sister's gym teacher, but I only met her once. My take on things is, if a couple is considering divorce, it is because they are extremely unhappy in the marriage. It doesn't make sense to continue being unhappy when you can find happiness somewhere else or with someone else. Kids aren't as dumb as people think they are and can see the unhappiness from one or both parents. The child may not understand where the unhappiness is coming from and place blame internally. I took a marriage counseling class a few years back and if I remember correctly, my professor said that couples who go into counseling with the idea of saving their marriage will be more successful than couples going into counseling where one of them has already decided that they want divorce. So the critical period to seek outside help for marital problems is before it gets to the point where divorce is being seriously considered by one partner. Marriages where infidelity is an issue almost always end in divorce.

So very true. Even if you force your partner to go, if they've already made up their mind that it's over, then it's over. They go but aren't really soaking up the advice or knowledge. It'll be like talking to a wall.

[dearmissie]

Originally Posted by chinahopes

Similar to your story, divorce was very present in my life also.. not so much in my family, but within my friends' families. And my parents were divorced. I remember being 8 or 9 and this little girl moved next door to me.. and she told me she had 1 brother and 1 sister.. and I said to her, "who do you live with, your mom or your dad?" and she said "both." And I just could not believe it, that she lived with both of her parents and their marriage had lasted that long (probably about 10 years by that time.) It absolutely amazed me. And in retrospect, thinking about my state of mind back then saddens me. I have two kids and I am married and I hope to be married to the father of my kids until the day that I die; and if I am, I will probably consider it the greatest accomplishment of my life because I think divorce is commonplace nowadays. While I don't think you should stay together just for the kids, I think that parents give up too easily these days and when the going gets tough, they hit the door. I think the kids deserve a wholehearted effort to make things work, and then if it does not, at least they genuinely tried...

I know how you feel and it does make me sad too that back then divorces didn't shock me. I think that's what's wrong with the world today, they take divorce so lightly. Here's what kinda popped into my mind today. If you are marriage you are a family, just like you are a family member to your Mom, Dad, brother, sister, Grandparent, etc. You usually do not "divorce" (aka completely cut out of your life) your other family members so why is it more acceptable to cut out your husband/wife?? I mean people seem to really really try to keep it together for their parents, siblings, etc, but why not their partners who they CHOSE to become a family with?? You get stuck with the family you are born with, and usually stick it through til the end. Why is the rate of divorcing your partner, who you chose to become a family with so much higher?? Maybe Mother Nature is the best at choosing families??

*I do understand some families do get cut out of each others lives because it is truly unbearable, but that's much more uncommon than divorcing.

[dearmissie]

Originally Posted by cookie888

My parents divorced when I was 15ish. It made me grow a thick skin and sometimes by boyfriend thinks I don't have a heart. In fact his nickname for me is sometimes the Ice-Queen. It was a sad time and I became a mother to my younger brothers - who were 14 and 9 at the time. Divorce sucks and I became a rebel at home. I went out all the time and my dad didn't know what to do with me. At one point he physically chucked me out of the house. That's when I started to grow up. I remember asking my dad to go halves with me on the cost of a pair of trainers and he said no. From that moment on I've been self-dependant and made my own money. Being a product of a divorce has made me more critical of relationships and for some reason I seem to focus prefect relationships on those from the movies with the happy ending. I know in reality that relationships need more work some days more than others so I'm not completely delusional! I'm aware I have unrealistic high expectations and work on this often. My boyfriend comes from a family where divorce is uncommon. In fact all my friends have parents who are still together so I feel a little isolated. It's cool though. I suppose all I can say is Time is healer and forgiveness is key. PS my parents had a messy divorce where mum cheated on dad hence it was a hard divorce. Needless to say, fences have been mended - 12 years later

So much of this post, I can personally agree with. For a time period of my life I too got away with so much because my Mom didn't know what I was up to. I had to mature quickly and I feel as if I missed out on a lot of my childhood. I work with children now and always have a genuine good time with them because I think A: Wow, I never had this growing up!! and B: I want to genuinely have a good time so this child can feel it, s/he deserves to have fun in their life when they are young, something I didn't have too much of. (Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate what my Mom tried to provide for me, she's amazing. But even she admits she wishes she could have done more.)

At times my DF says I can be cold as well. I think it's because I'm just so routine and don't care for change as much as he does. I'm guarded when it comes to certain things and don't let people get too close to me personally. I am very friendly, but I don't let people into my heart very often. I feel like divorce has effected me in a way which has strengthened me by giving me thicker skin and realizing what really can happen however its also disabled me at the same time by making me quick to cut people out of my life if they have hurt me and I fear they may cause more damage before they get close to me. And it's also made me not allow anyone to get too close to me, I'm very very picky in fear of "divorcing" friends or what not.

[dearmissie]

Originally Posted by Roo

This is not a black and white issue. There are many shades of grey here. Many people leave marriages for selfish reasons. I know someone who actively pursued a married man, divorced her husband, and he has left his wife. Two families with kids are now split up and there is a lot of pain for the spouses and kids left behind by this. I honestly believe if this person I know had not done this, this man would still be with his wife. On the other hand, my husband left his marriage because his wife was unstable emotionally, was ruining them financially and had a substance abuse problem. He simply could not take it any more after trying to keep it together for a decade. He also felt he'd be a better parent to his kids if he was out of the situation. Sadly, I do not think the kids were better off that he left, because the mother has alienated and manipulated them emotionally for years and although we've tried to influence them, they feel a huge emotional responsibility for her. As a result they've made bad choices as young adults that we've had to detach from because our influence and involvement in their lives is both not wanted, nor appreciated. So there's really no yes or no answer here.

I totally agree that there is no right or wrong answer (as I mentioned in the OP), I think the best answer no matter what is chosen (divorce or not) is to never neglect the children.

[dearmissie]

Originally Posted by HauteMama

It is a complicated issue, and there might always be exceptions, but generally speaking if there are not one of "the big three" (abuse, adultery, addiction) I think people should stick with it. Overall, people expect to be happy all the time, and that just isn't realistic. Real life can be stressful, boring and tedious sometimes, and that often has nothing to do with a person's spouse. Yes, meeting someone new is exciting and we can have feelings of infatuation even though we are married. But acting on that and thinking that someone else will be your "soulmate" or will make you happy is a mistake. More often than not, people find themselves with someone new and realize a few years down the line that the new person isn't magical and that life with them really isn't much different. Except now they have broken their home and family and have no family to return to. This is why the divorce rate on second marriages are even higher than on first marriages. No lover can sweep you away from everyday life, even if it feels like it in the beginning. Love does NOT conquer all. People need to make wiser decisions about who they marry and why. They need to be committed for the long run and not think that divorce is a solution. Like I said, there ARE exceptions, but the primary problem, IMO, is the entitlement attitudes people have about being excited, romantic and "in love" 100% of the time. Reality isn't that way. If more people accepted that from the beginning and married a good PARTNER, there would be fewer divorces.

:greatpost: Especially the highlighted part. I've heard my co-worker state that she thought (with the exception of "the big three") that marriage was forever. She said that she married a man not because she was head over heels for him, but because it seemed like the right thing to do once they've been together for so long. She said she isn't as happy as she thinks she is, but doesn't want to get out of it because of her mistake. She says if she was smart she wouldn't have married him in the first place, but now that she has and they have 4 chlildren together, it would be selfish of her just to leave now just because she isn't 100% happy. (he is good to her, she just doesn't feel fufilled) I asked her if she wants to leave, she said no because she didnt think she had a big enough reason to break her voes. She wasn't misrible so she was able to stick it through for her family.