REALLY need help! relationship issue

bubblegum22 · Jun 10th, 2008, 12:34 PM

Ok so here goes: due to some odd situation I found myself falling for a guy while seperated we fell in love and I decided he was the one (bad idea I know). I am moving back home cross country and he has decided it's best for us to not talk for approx 6 months for me to get my divorce final and make the move and get it all settled. He is also looking for a job in the city I am moving to but isn't sure he will find one. He thinks it is best we don't TXT or call at all because if anyone finds out it could make my divorce nasty. He promises he loves me (we have been friends for 5 years) and as soon as my life is settled he will be with me, but for some reason I don't trust that, how can he go without TXT me even? Yes we are adults I just am having a really hard time with not talking to him at all and feel so alone, it's so many things at once, moving, new job (still looking), divorce, not talking to someone who has been my best friend for the past 5 years...any words?

bagnshoofetish · Jun 10th, 2008, 04:43 PM

even though the guy has been a friend for 5 years (not a stranger) it was probably not a good idea to hook up with him during your seperation/divorce for the very reasons you are describing now. BUT, you cannot always control the timing of things so this is your situation now. I think his rationale is quite mature and impressive for a guy. If he is sincere in his reasoning, he must really love you and want your relationship to start out in a healthy way with the most minimal amount of luggage as possible. It might be good for you to step back and look at whats going on with you two kinda like when you step back to look at a painting. You see alot more clearly when you do this. I'm sure he is probably a little scared too about being your rebound guy and wants to give you time to make absolutely sure this is not true. That doesn't mean you have to do everything in your power to prove he's not because, what if he is? Don't see anything you experience during this time as a negative - take this time to be completely honest with yourself and with him. You are coming out of a marriage and thats not just like leaving a job or something trivial. It is a heavy experience no matter how it came about. You have to grieve that loss. But its too easy to transfer your feelings to someone new only to later find that you were using the person as a crutch whether you were aware of that or not. Having this alone time will force you to deal with the divorce yourself. Seek counseling if you need it - try not to turn your new bf into your grief counselor cause nothing will strain that relationship more. After the divorce is final, you will have a clean slate to start new with this guy if it is meant to be. Write him letters, some you send, some you don't. That is a very romantic thing to do and you can really review them before sending them so you have the luxury of really watching what you say - something you can't do face to face as words are so hard to take back during an emotional time.
Thats my 2 cents.
I hope you find the strength you need to get you through all of this - its not easy.

candace117 · Jun 10th, 2008, 05:08 PM

holy crap bagnshoo, I love you....

bubblegum22 · Jun 10th, 2008, 06:37 PM

That was amazing! you totally made me feel so much better :) This whole situation is one of the hardest things I will (hopefully) ever have to endure. He is trying to be mature about this (and he's younger then me!) and I am being the baby. I am used to having him as a friend and relying on him and your very right I need to get my life straightened out and then go from there. He has mentioned at times that he is not sure that I really love him like he loves me, but of course we go 2 days with no contact and I think he has moved on LOL i'm insane. But wow it's like you talked to him your awesome :)

bagnshoofetish · Jun 10th, 2008, 06:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bubblegum22

. But wow it's like you talked to him your awesome :)

naahhh. just been around the block a few times and have had my heart crushed and rolled over and kicked to the curb. I always say someone has got to benefit from all the crap I've been through!

BagLadie · Jun 11th, 2008, 02:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bubblegum22

Ok so here goes: due to some odd situation I found myself falling for a guy while seperated we fell in love and I decided he was the one (bad idea I know). I am moving back home cross country and he has decided it's best for us to not talk for approx 6 months for me to get my divorce final and make the move and get it all settled. He is also looking for a job in the city I am moving to but isn't sure he will find one. He thinks it is best we don't TXT or call at all because if anyone finds out it could make my divorce nasty. He promises he loves me (we have been friends for 5 years) and as soon as my life is settled he will be with me, but for some reason I don't trust that, how can he go without TXT me even? Yes we are adults I just am having a really hard time with not talking to him at all and feel so alone, it's so many things at once, moving, new job (still looking), divorce, not talking to someone who has been my best friend for the past 5 years...any words?

You should pm me. I am going through something so similar its almost scary.

ilovepinkhearts · Jun 11th, 2008, 02:22 PM

great advice bagnshoo...i couldn't have said it better or add anything to it.

lovinalotofbags · Jun 11th, 2008, 03:02 PM

ITA with bagnshoo. Stay strong.

lilobubbletea · Jun 11th, 2008, 04:24 PM

i feel like you should focus on your divorce and re-stabling your life right now. The problem caused by the divorce is because you no longer want to be your husband, and not because of this guy. This guy shouldn't even be on your mind right now.

bubblegum22 · Jun 11th, 2008, 08:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lilobubbletea

i feel like you should focus on your divorce and re-stabling your life right now. The problem caused by the divorce is because you no longer want to be your husband, and not because of this guy. This guy shouldn't even be on your mind right now.

I know he "shouldn't" be on my mind and I would LOVE for him NOT to be but heck if I can make it stop!

bagnshoofetish · Jun 11th, 2008, 08:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bubblegum22

I know he "shouldn't" be on my mind and I would LOVE for him NOT to be but heck if I can make it stop!

you may be too idle. find these to make you busy and stay busy.

BagLadie · Jun 12th, 2008, 08:42 AM

You can't help when you fall in love and it's the right person - even if the circumstances aren't what they should be. We are all human. When you're heartbroken and missing someone, staying busy doesn't always help. I am not sure what does help but that pain is there all the time and just doesn't go away.

Love sucks doesn't it.

cosmogrl5 · Jun 12th, 2008, 12:57 PM

I am currently dating a guy who is legally separated and going to get divorced. We did not start dating until after he was separated and never were anything more than friends before that, but we still need to be careful while the legal proceedings are happening. I know 100% for fact that he's the one. I am only 28 and would never have chosen this situation for myself, but I agree with everyone who said that you cannot control who you fall in love with. I think that he is worth waiting for and that sometimes life surprises you and throws you little curveballs. If you truly feel that he is the one, you will just have to stand by him and stick it out. Feel free to PM me anytime if you want to share stories or talk.

sphere99 · Jun 16th, 2008, 10:16 PM

I can imagine it's painful and you want to be with him all the time if you love him, but he is right to wait.

candypants1100 · Jun 16th, 2008, 10:52 PM

ah what a difficult situation you're in. try to stay busy and focus on your life right now.

Jun 10th, 2008, 12:34 PM	#1
bubblegum22 Member	REALLY need help! relationship issue Ok so here goes: due to some odd situation I found myself falling for a guy while seperated we fell in love and I decided he was the one (bad idea I know). I am moving back home cross country and he has decided it's best for us to not talk for approx 6 months for me to get my divorce final and make the move and get it all settled. He is also looking for a job in the city I am moving to but isn't sure he will find one. He thinks it is best we don't TXT or call at all because if anyone finds out it could make my divorce nasty. He promises he loves me (we have been friends for 5 years) and as soon as my life is settled he will be with me, but for some reason I don't trust that, how can he go without TXT me even? Yes we are adults I just am having a really hard time with not talking to him at all and feel so alone, it's so many things at once, moving, new job (still looking), divorce, not talking to someone who has been my best friend for the past 5 years...any words?

Jun 10th, 2008, 04:43 PM	#2
bagnshoofetish We Love Our Billy	even though the guy has been a friend for 5 years (not a stranger) it was probably not a good idea to hook up with him during your seperation/divorce for the very reasons you are describing now. BUT, you cannot always control the timing of things so this is your situation now. I think his rationale is quite mature and impressive for a guy. If he is sincere in his reasoning, he must really love you and want your relationship to start out in a healthy way with the most minimal amount of luggage as possible. It might be good for you to step back and look at whats going on with you two kinda like when you step back to look at a painting. You see alot more clearly when you do this. I'm sure he is probably a little scared too about being your rebound guy and wants to give you time to make absolutely sure this is not true. That doesn't mean you have to do everything in your power to prove he's not because, what if he is? Don't see anything you experience during this time as a negative - take this time to be completely honest with yourself and with him. You are coming out of a marriage and thats not just like leaving a job or something trivial. It is a heavy experience no matter how it came about. You have to grieve that loss. But its too easy to transfer your feelings to someone new only to later find that you were using the person as a crutch whether you were aware of that or not. Having this alone time will force you to deal with the divorce yourself. Seek counseling if you need it - try not to turn your new bf into your grief counselor cause nothing will strain that relationship more. After the divorce is final, you will have a clean slate to start new with this guy if it is meant to be. Write him letters, some you send, some you don't. That is a very romantic thing to do and you can really review them before sending them so you have the luxury of really watching what you say - something you can't do face to face as words are so hard to take back during an emotional time. Thats my 2 cents. I hope you find the strength you need to get you through all of this - its not easy. __________________ Please help us: http://forum.purseblog.com/animalici...nt-392607.html

Jun 10th, 2008, 05:08 PM	#3
candace117 Pirate Trash Location: Hardcorvallis	holy crap bagnshoo, I love you.... __________________ "With so much drama in the L-B-C, it's kinda hard bein Snoop D-O-double G."

Jun 11th, 2008, 02:22 PM	#7
ilovepinkhearts hi, i'm danielle Location: Texas	great advice bagnshoo...i couldn't have said it better or add anything to it. __________________

Jun 11th, 2008, 03:02 PM	#8
lovinalotofbags In for the long haul Location: South Carolina	ITA with bagnshoo. Stay strong. __________________ Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.

Jun 10th, 2008, 06:37 PM	#4
bubblegum22 Member	That was amazing! you totally made me feel so much better :) This whole situation is one of the hardest things I will (hopefully) ever have to endure. He is trying to be mature about this (and he's younger then me!) and I am being the baby. I am used to having him as a friend and relying on him and your very right I need to get my life straightened out and then go from there. He has mentioned at times that he is not sure that I really love him like he loves me, but of course we go 2 days with no contact and I think he has moved on LOL i'm insane. But wow it's like you talked to him your awesome :)

Jun 11th, 2008, 04:24 PM	#9
lilobubbletea Member Location: Washington, US	i feel like you should focus on your divorce and re-stabling your life right now. The problem caused by the divorce is because you no longer want to be your husband, and not because of this guy. This guy shouldn't even be on your mind right now.

Jun 12th, 2008, 08:42 AM	#12
BagLadie Got a handle on it Location: Red Sox Nation	You can't help when you fall in love and it's the right person - even if the circumstances aren't what they should be. We are all human. When you're heartbroken and missing someone, staying busy doesn't always help. I am not sure what does help but that pain is there all the time and just doesn't go away. Love sucks doesn't it. __________________ One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain. - Bob Marley

Jun 12th, 2008, 12:57 PM	#13
cosmogrl5 Member	I am currently dating a guy who is legally separated and going to get divorced. We did not start dating until after he was separated and never were anything more than friends before that, but we still need to be careful while the legal proceedings are happening. I know 100% for fact that he's the one. I am only 28 and would never have chosen this situation for myself, but I agree with everyone who said that you cannot control who you fall in love with. I think that he is worth waiting for and that sometimes life surprises you and throws you little curveballs. If you truly feel that he is the one, you will just have to stand by him and stick it out. Feel free to PM me anytime if you want to share stories or talk. __________________ Last edited by cosmogrl5; Jun 12th, 2008 at 01:00 PM.

Jun 16th, 2008, 10:16 PM	#14
sphere99 Too Obsessed... Location: Chicago	I can imagine it's painful and you want to be with him all the time if you love him, but he is right to wait. __________________

Jun 16th, 2008, 10:52 PM	#15
candypants1100 Member Location: candyland	ah what a difficult situation you're in. try to stay busy and focus on your life right now.