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alliemia · Sep 27th, 2009, 05:43 PM

i understand feeling bad about that type situation.
for whatever reason, my mother worships my brother, and doesn't like me much at all.
i was told to move out at 24, whereas a private basement apartment was built for my brother, that he lived there even after he was married. she refused to come with me for my wedding gown, had no interest, but went with my brother's fiance. many examples.

those who know the situation well say that she is jealous of me. maybe, who knows. i've resolved to focus on the life i've made with my husband and kids and minimal contact with all of them, so as not to deal with the stress. it's been working well for me.

i'm sorry you've experienced it to a degree as well, but save the anger and disappointment and just try to push past the issue, let them do what they want. be a better person. i'm still trying as well.

sarasmith3269 · Sep 27th, 2009, 05:57 PM

The thing I think the bothers me the most, is that honestly, I think I am both my parents favorite (oh, i really hate to say that) but they are always complaining about my mooching brother to me, and what trouble he is. I think thats why its worse, because I hear about every single handout, how broke he is, how crappy his place is, everything. And on the other hand they know how hard I work. Its just frustrating that things I could use or want are given away b/c he needs them more.

One example that pisses me off to this day is once i we were older we (my small family of abou t 10) were all given the option of a vaca. in fl. hotel expenses paid, all we had to do was pay our airfare...i worked and scrimped and saved, and low and behold about 2 days before the trip, my brother got all pissed off because he couldnt go (not like he was a few dollars short, or could only pay half, but he hadnt worked AT ALL or made ANY effort at all to make/save any money) so my gram paid for a last minute (read: pricey $$) ticket on a completely seperate plane so that he could come to. I mean, damn. If I thought I could just whine and someone would send me to florida for free, I would have liked to just hang out with my friends, instead of working some minimum wage jobs for endless weeks.

As for PUBLIC ASSISTANCE, I wasnt really considering that with my original post. I imagine we could all be there at one point, so Im not going to judge.

karmenzsofia · Sep 27th, 2009, 06:29 PM

Where there's a taker taking too much, there's a giver giving too much.

Some people don't have a problem being on the "taking" side of the spectrum without ever visiting the "giving" side. They make a habit out of receiving and come to expect it. Mistakes usually have consequences, but if someone always shows up to rescue them, then they learn that their mistakes don't have undesirable consequences (quite the opposite..) and they make a living out of it.

As to you parents, next time they start complaining about your brother, you could stop them right there and tell them (as briefly and kindly as possible) that you don't want to hear about it. If your parents complain, it means that at some level they see themselves as being victimized by your brother. But at this stage, they've become volunteers. One thing is to offer a shoulder to a person limping and another is to carry the person. It's up to your parents to set boundaries.

sarasmith3269 · Sep 27th, 2009, 06:54 PM

karmenzsofia! you are brilliant. thank you for that. very well put.

dallas · Sep 27th, 2009, 06:57 PM

^ I second that.

Allisonfaye · Sep 27th, 2009, 07:02 PM

I have two of those siblings. My half sister received a generous trust fund from my father's estate to pay for her college. But she continued to ask my grandmother for money just because she wanted more. She ate sushi three times a week while in college. I was lucky if I had a phone in college. She then went on to marry the first guy that she even dated and I think it was because his family had money.

My other sister got her grad school paid for by my grandparents and then she got fired from her first job after six months and worked as an admin after spending all that moeny on the school. She also borrowed money from my grandmother to help finance her house and when my grandmother died, she said she had paid her back as promised but I don't believe her at all. But I did borrow money from her and paid it back.

For a short time when I was in my early 20's, I lived with a boyfriend and his parents let us live in an apt that they owned and helped us out. It made me feel sick. I moved out and went back to college. I hated having someone else helping me out like that.

I totally get how this makes you feel. I can't believe your brother feels very good about himself.

HauteMama · Sep 27th, 2009, 07:04 PM

Originally Posted by karmenzsofia

Where there's a taker taking too much, there's a giver giving too much.

Some people don't have a problem being on the "taking" side of the spectrum without ever visiting the "giving" side. They make a habit out of receiving and come to expect it. Mistakes usually have consequences, but if someone always shows up to rescue them, then they learn that their mistakes don't have undesirable consequences (quite the opposite..) and they make a living out of it.

As to you parents, next time they start complaining about your brother, you could stop them right there and tell them (as briefly and kindly as possible) that you don't want to hear about it. If your parents complain, it means that at some level they see themselves as being victimized by your brother. But at this stage, they've become volunteers. One thing is to offer a shoulder to a person limping and another is to carry the person. It's up to your parents to set boundaries.

Best analysis I've seen yet. Additionally, I feel it is inappropriate for parents to discuss the problems of one sibling with another sibling.

sarasmith3269 · Sep 27th, 2009, 07:46 PM

The thing is, I think my brother feels ok about it. I think he feels entitled to it. Like my dad has a reasonable amount of money, but my brother has no idea how difficult it is to make that money. My dad does not make THAT much money, but he does work and awful lot, an awful lot of overtime and whatnot...but b/c my brother has never worked overtime, he worked FULL TIME for less than 4 mos of his life. So, I really dont think he understands the amount of work that goes into the money/benefits they give him. I believe he really thinks money grows on a tree in my dads backyard.

Chanel Belle · Sep 28th, 2009, 05:41 AM

Ah, OP, don't focus too much energy on others - be thankful for what you have, instead.

I know someone who has had 2 affairs whilst being married and now, she's gone off to divorce her hubby and marry one of the men she has had an affair with.

That man she's going to marry is gorgeous, charming and as RICH as one can possibly be. No matter which angle I view her situation, she still doesn't deserve the new man in her life.

It sux to see how easily some other people sail through life whilst some of us work our asses off for a percentage of what they have.

Fetish · Sep 29th, 2009, 11:31 PM

Ive been feeling this way recently too. It seems like us hard working individuals struggle so much and no one will lend a hand. Perhaps its because we try to build our own lives and futures and dont play the "feel sorry for me card?" It would personally destroy my pride to do this, while others obviously have no pride. Those who are undeserving and manipulative.

Few case circumstances. My brother. He has done nothing his entire life to contribute to society, to help out the family, to work, do nothing. He quit school early, refused to work and did nothing but stress my parents out. He sat at home until he was 18 and basically wrote everyone in his life off. All of a sudden - WHAM - he is receiving welfare cheques. WELFARE? My god, here I am working my ASS off to pay my bills and Im getting no where. And literally, some sort of help he was receiving in the past few months OFFERS him welfare? I cant even begin to get into how wrong that is, knowing him and knowing how there are other people out there who DESERVE welfare money.

Worse though, my ex's half brother. He is one of those no-gooder, criminal types. He has children but him and his girlfriend refuse to work, making up an array of excuses - Im sick, I have to go to the hospital.. whatever will get anyone feeling sorry for them. Then they go out and party it up. Hmm.. not too sick to party on a daily basis now, are we? Everyone says they are wastes of skin but no one would refuse to help them out. To buy them groceries, alcohol, cigarettes, furniture, whatever! In fact, they live for free in this townhouse my ex's father owns. (Mind you, his father is not even related to the ex's half brother) but still insists on giving them a FREE place in exchange of collecting rent once a month on the premise. My god.. FREE RIDE MUCH? On top of that they must be receiving some sort of money from somewhere. Either the government or his father. Its ridiculous. And they use the kids to get everyone to feel sorry for them. In fact, ex's grandmother (again not related to his half brother) has wrote in the will that when she passes, a good majority of her money is being passed onto his half brother. Because she feels sorry for them! lmao. It just makes me laugh! Always us hard working people get slapped in the face. Perhaps I should become a delinquent asshole of sorts?

Ex's sister literally gets handed almost a million dollar house with 2 cars and COMPLAINS it came from her inheritance and that daddy didnt pay for it. Her cars, her house, all her belongings - she gets handed.. hell their entire FAMILY - all 4 kids get special treatment and if anyone is less deserving of it, its every SINGLE one of them - who refuses to work and keep a job - they always get what they want.

Ahh whatever. This is an inevitable fact of life. As long as people are stupid enough to be maniuplated and controled and walked all over, its going to happen. And its not going to be fair. You just have to focus on yourself and your life. And know that you have too much pride and you are too good of a person to allow yourself to do that to anyone and play those cards. At the end of the day at least we can say that we worked for everything we have. And we worked hard. And thats a finer accomplishment in itself.

bagnshoofetish · Sep 29th, 2009, 11:41 PM

Originally Posted by sarasmith3269

Just a vent. thank you.

in my midlife, (46 - hey I don't kid myself that I'll live past 92...) I have learned to live and let live. there are sooooo many injustices in this world that you can choose to drive yourself crazy over them or choose to focus all you energy in what YOU do to contribute to society. trust me, if you do that, things like this will never bother you again because you will be too caught up in helping others and the joy that that brings....

thelace · Sep 30th, 2009, 05:19 AM

Originally Posted by bagnshoofetish

in my midlife, (46 - hey I don't kid myself that I'll live past 92...) I have learned to live and let live. there are sooooo many injustices in this world that you can choose to drive yourself crazy over them or choose to focus all you energy in what YOU do to contribute to society. trust me, if you do that, things like this will never bother you again because you will be too caught up in helping others and the joy that that brings....

I would dearly love to reach this position but, like other posters here, I get enraged by the injustice (and lack of karma FFS!) I see every day.

Please help me understand how you managed to get to reach the position you now take re not caring about it all. I know it must be so much better for me if I could only think the way you do.

bagnshoofetish · Oct 1st, 2009, 11:34 AM

Originally Posted by thelace

Please help me understand how you managed to get to reach the position you now take re not caring about it all. I know it must be so much better for me if I could only think the way you do.

its not that I don't care, I just don't spend any energy thinking about it anymore. I think having gone to AA meetings in support of my husband and Al-Anon meetings for myself has helped me understand that truly there are so many things out of my control that its better to focus on the positive and let the negative go, don't feed it KWIM?

thelace · Oct 1st, 2009, 06:56 PM

Originally Posted by bagnshoofetish

its not that I don't care, I just don't spend any energy thinking about it anymore. I think having gone to AA meetings in support of my husband and Al-Anon meetings for myself has helped me understand that truly there are so many things out of my control that its better to focus on the positive and let the negative go, don't feed it KWIM?

Yes I do. And I should have worded my post differently as I didn't mean "don't care" ... I should have asked something along the lines of "how do you get to a place where you don't let it consume you?"

Fetish · Oct 1st, 2009, 07:24 PM

Originally Posted by bagnshoofetish

its not that I don't care, I just don't spend any energy thinking about it anymore. I think having gone to AA meetings in support of my husband and Al-Anon meetings for myself has helped me understand that truly there are so many things out of my control that its better to focus on the positive and let the negative go, don't feed it KWIM?

That is so true.. not worth worrying about things that are out of control.

Sep 27th, 2009, 05:57 PM	#32
sarasmith3269 OP Member Joined: Oct 2008 Posts: 688	The thing I think the bothers me the most, is that honestly, I think I am both my parents favorite (oh, i really hate to say that) but they are always complaining about my mooching brother to me, and what trouble he is. I think thats why its worse, because I hear about every single handout, how broke he is, how crappy his place is, everything. And on the other hand they know how hard I work. Its just frustrating that things I could use or want are given away b/c he needs them more. One example that pisses me off to this day is once i we were older we (my small family of abou t 10) were all given the option of a vaca. in fl. hotel expenses paid, all we had to do was pay our airfare...i worked and scrimped and saved, and low and behold about 2 days before the trip, my brother got all pissed off because he couldnt go (not like he was a few dollars short, or could only pay half, but he hadnt worked AT ALL or made ANY effort at all to make/save any money) so my gram paid for a last minute (read: pricey $$) ticket on a completely seperate plane so that he could come to. I mean, damn. If I thought I could just whine and someone would send me to florida for free, I would have liked to just hang out with my friends, instead of working some minimum wage jobs for endless weeks. As for PUBLIC ASSISTANCE, I wasnt really considering that with my original post. I imagine we could all be there at one point, so Im not going to judge.
sarasmith3269 OP Member Joined: Oct 2008 Posts: 688

Sep 27th, 2009, 06:29 PM	#33
karmenzsofia Life is Plan Z Joined: Jun 2008 Location: Tarot Card Posts: 14,891	Where there's a taker taking too much, there's a giver giving too much. Some people don't have a problem being on the "taking" side of the spectrum without ever visiting the "giving" side. They make a habit out of receiving and come to expect it. Mistakes usually have consequences, but if someone always shows up to rescue them, then they learn that their mistakes don't have undesirable consequences (quite the opposite..) and they make a living out of it. As to you parents, next time they start complaining about your brother, you could stop them right there and tell them (as briefly and kindly as possible) that you don't want to hear about it. If your parents complain, it means that at some level they see themselves as being victimized by your brother. But at this stage, they've become volunteers. One thing is to offer a shoulder to a person limping and another is to carry the person. It's up to your parents to set boundaries.
	__________________ Satisfied but wishing 4 a WTM Mini and an AP ~~* Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it necessary? Is it kind? Or, more importantly, is it funny?

Sep 27th, 2009, 06:54 PM	#34
sarasmith3269 OP Member Joined: Oct 2008 Posts: 688	karmenzsofia! you are brilliant. thank you for that. very well put.
sarasmith3269 OP Member Joined: Oct 2008 Posts: 688

Sep 27th, 2009, 06:57 PM	#35
dallas Yeah ano Joined: Jan 2007 Posts: 4,272	^ I second that.
dallas Yeah ano Joined: Jan 2007 Posts: 4,272	__________________ Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Sep 27th, 2009, 07:02 PM	#36
Allisonfaye Member Joined: Oct 2006 Posts: 5,629	I have two of those siblings. My half sister received a generous trust fund from my father's estate to pay for her college. But she continued to ask my grandmother for money just because she wanted more. She ate sushi three times a week while in college. I was lucky if I had a phone in college. She then went on to marry the first guy that she even dated and I think it was because his family had money. My other sister got her grad school paid for by my grandparents and then she got fired from her first job after six months and worked as an admin after spending all that moeny on the school. She also borrowed money from my grandmother to help finance her house and when my grandmother died, she said she had paid her back as promised but I don't believe her at all. But I did borrow money from her and paid it back. For a short time when I was in my early 20's, I lived with a boyfriend and his parents let us live in an apt that they owned and helped us out. It made me feel sick. I moved out and went back to college. I hated having someone else helping me out like that. I totally get how this makes you feel. I can't believe your brother feels very good about himself.
Allisonfaye Member Joined: Oct 2006 Posts: 5,629	__________________ If you can afford it, for God's sake, BUY SOMETHING!

Sep 27th, 2009, 05:43 PM	#31
alliemia love shopping!!! Joined: Jun 2008 Location: NY Posts: 3,290	i understand feeling bad about that type situation. for whatever reason, my mother worships my brother, and doesn't like me much at all. i was told to move out at 24, whereas a private basement apartment was built for my brother, that he lived there even after he was married. she refused to come with me for my wedding gown, had no interest, but went with my brother's fiance. many examples. those who know the situation well say that she is jealous of me. maybe, who knows. i've resolved to focus on the life i've made with my husband and kids and minimal contact with all of them, so as not to deal with the stress. it's been working well for me. i'm sorry you've experienced it to a degree as well, but save the anger and disappointment and just try to push past the issue, let them do what they want. be a better person. i'm still trying as well.

Sep 27th, 2009, 07:46 PM	#38
sarasmith3269 OP Member Joined: Oct 2008 Posts: 688	The thing is, I think my brother feels ok about it. I think he feels entitled to it. Like my dad has a reasonable amount of money, but my brother has no idea how difficult it is to make that money. My dad does not make THAT much money, but he does work and awful lot, an awful lot of overtime and whatnot...but b/c my brother has never worked overtime, he worked FULL TIME for less than 4 mos of his life. So, I really dont think he understands the amount of work that goes into the money/benefits they give him. I believe he really thinks money grows on a tree in my dads backyard.
sarasmith3269 OP Member Joined: Oct 2008 Posts: 688

Sep 28th, 2009, 05:41 AM	#39
Chanel Belle Member Joined: Nov 2008 Posts: 232	Ah, OP, don't focus too much energy on others - be thankful for what you have, instead. I know someone who has had 2 affairs whilst being married and now, she's gone off to divorce her hubby and marry one of the men she has had an affair with. That man she's going to marry is gorgeous, charming and as RICH as one can possibly be. No matter which angle I view her situation, she still doesn't deserve the new man in her life. It sux to see how easily some other people sail through life whilst some of us work our asses off for a percentage of what they have.
Chanel Belle Member Joined: Nov 2008 Posts: 232

Sep 29th, 2009, 11:31 PM	#40
Fetish Sofa King Banned Joined: Jan 2007 Posts: 93	Ive been feeling this way recently too. It seems like us hard working individuals struggle so much and no one will lend a hand. Perhaps its because we try to build our own lives and futures and dont play the "feel sorry for me card?" It would personally destroy my pride to do this, while others obviously have no pride. Those who are undeserving and manipulative. Few case circumstances. My brother. He has done nothing his entire life to contribute to society, to help out the family, to work, do nothing. He quit school early, refused to work and did nothing but stress my parents out. He sat at home until he was 18 and basically wrote everyone in his life off. All of a sudden - WHAM - he is receiving welfare cheques. WELFARE? My god, here I am working my ASS off to pay my bills and Im getting no where. And literally, some sort of help he was receiving in the past few months OFFERS him welfare? I cant even begin to get into how wrong that is, knowing him and knowing how there are other people out there who DESERVE welfare money. Worse though, my ex's half brother. He is one of those no-gooder, criminal types. He has children but him and his girlfriend refuse to work, making up an array of excuses - Im sick, I have to go to the hospital.. whatever will get anyone feeling sorry for them. Then they go out and party it up. Hmm.. not too sick to party on a daily basis now, are we? Everyone says they are wastes of skin but no one would refuse to help them out. To buy them groceries, alcohol, cigarettes, furniture, whatever! In fact, they live for free in this townhouse my ex's father owns. (Mind you, his father is not even related to the ex's half brother) but still insists on giving them a FREE place in exchange of collecting rent once a month on the premise. My god.. FREE RIDE MUCH? On top of that they must be receiving some sort of money from somewhere. Either the government or his father. Its ridiculous. And they use the kids to get everyone to feel sorry for them. In fact, ex's grandmother (again not related to his half brother) has wrote in the will that when she passes, a good majority of her money is being passed onto his half brother. Because she feels sorry for them! lmao. It just makes me laugh! Always us hard working people get slapped in the face. Perhaps I should become a delinquent asshole of sorts? Ex's sister literally gets handed almost a million dollar house with 2 cars and COMPLAINS it came from her inheritance and that daddy didnt pay for it. Her cars, her house, all her belongings - she gets handed.. hell their entire FAMILY - all 4 kids get special treatment and if anyone is less deserving of it, its every SINGLE one of them - who refuses to work and keep a job - they always get what they want. Ahh whatever. This is an inevitable fact of life. As long as people are stupid enough to be maniuplated and controled and walked all over, its going to happen. And its not going to be fair. You just have to focus on yourself and your life. And know that you have too much pride and you are too good of a person to allow yourself to do that to anyone and play those cards. At the end of the day at least we can say that we worked for everything we have. And we worked hard. And thats a finer accomplishment in itself.
Fetish Sofa King Banned Joined: Jan 2007 Posts: 93

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