Quick little rant/vent about people who undeservedly receive handouts

[Roo]

I think we all have the same brother

[little LV lover]

Originally Posted by Rockysmom

don't feel bad. my brother got 100K to buy a house and I got nothing. I could be bitter but I feel proud that I bought my house on my own.

ITA! There's a sense of acomplishment when you set out and do the things you want to do.

There's no point is stressing over a situation that you can't change. Eventually their handouts will run out and it will be time for them to grow up and act like adults.

[amanda]

Originally Posted by Roo

I think we all have the same brother

Count me in as someone who has That Brother.

Mine is currently unemployed and not in school, crashing at my parents' house, getting money from them every day for gas, meals out with friends, etc. Seems to have no real desire to change any of those situations. Not only did I complete college in 4 years, but I voluntarily worked near full-time hours for three of those years because I so despise asking for money from my parents, who give it pretty freely and didn't really want me to work during school (but couldn't stop me). And now that I'm out and employed full time, living on my own, my parents give me a hard time if I have to come to them to ask for help. I think I've screwed myself by performing too well for my entire life. They expect far more of me than they ever will him. I've certainly never called them in the middle of night from jail...

My brother, on the other hand...has a lot of quit in him.

Normally, my response to a thread like this would be something to the tune of "worry about what's going on in your life, not what's going on in theirs," but sibling stuff in particular is hard. You'd think that having the same upbringing would bring a certain amount of equality to life experiences, but...nope.

[karmenzsofia]

Originally Posted by Roo

I think we all have the same brother

...or sister!

I know where the OP is coming from. I think that saying "don't let it bother you" or "don't feel bad" or "focus on yourself" is much easier said than done. The point is that it does bother her. And if she wants to feel less bothered by it, that's gonna take time because it's a long process from being upset about something to no longer being upset about it, KWIM? This requires a conscious change in one's belief system, and that takes work. I think the first step could be to be aware of when these feelings show up so that she can acknowledge vs dwelling on them.

[turboflgrl]

Here's the way I like to look at situations like this:

The reason they're getting handouts and you're not is because the givers don't expect them to amount to much of anything without said handouts. They know your capabilities and know that you are on a different level and therefore, don't need to be a moocher.

[Sass]

yep i have that sister!

I gets me real mad because my parents were helping support me through uni (which i am EXTREMELY greatful for) then i moved in with bf, apparently they morally disagreed so they refused to speak to me, help me with anything (financial or otherwise) and cut off all contact.

My sister on the other hand was ready to marry a guy she barely knew and will soon celebrate her one year anniversary with her gf.

My point is they cut me out of their lives for living with a bf because they believed my behaviour was immoral but they still fully support younger sis financially . ????

I dunno i don't get it either OP, it makes no sense to me whatsover, how they can be so blind sighted by their laziness etc

[~Fabulousity~]

Originally Posted by amanda

Count me in as someone who has That Brother. Mine is currently unemployed and not in school, crashing at my parents' house, getting money from them every day for gas, meals out with friends, etc. Seems to have no real desire to change any of those situations. Not only did I complete college in 4 years, but I voluntarily worked near full-time hours for three of those years because I so despise asking for money from my parents, who give it pretty freely and didn't really want me to work during school (but couldn't stop me). And now that I'm out and employed full time, living on my own, my parents give me a hard time if I have to come to them to ask for help. I think I've screwed myself by performing too well for my entire life. They expect far more of me than they ever will him. I've certainly never called them in the middle of night from jail... My brother, on the other hand...has a lot of quit in him. Normally, my response to a thread like this would be something to the tune of "worry about what's going on in your life, not what's going on in theirs," but sibling stuff in particular is hard. You'd think that having the same upbringing would bring a certain amount of equality to life experiences, but...nope.

this is what boggles me about my sibling, I just don't get it.

[Rockysmom]

It does suck when undeserving people get handouts, especially if they continually get them and don't try to work hard on their own. The people giving them handouts are just handycapping them and they are never going to learn how to survive on their own.
My BF's sister is a perfect example. She can't hold down a job and everyone uses their credit to get her a car and cell phone only for her to stop paying them. She seems to have a sense of entitlement and doesn't care if she ruins other people's credit.
I don't know what you can do about it other than don't contribute to the handouts. Perhaps voice your concern to the people giving these handouts, if can can.

[karmenzsofia]

IMO, there are those who are lazy and take the path of least resistance, and then there are those who want to do better but can't seem to no matter how they try. Quite often, there's an underlying mental or emotional health issue getting in their way. You don't have to be crying all day or shaking to be depressed or anxious. Fear, excessive worry, indecisiveness, lack of motivation, lack of energy, confusion, numbness...all of these can paralyze a person and keep them from reaching their potential.

[melbournegirl]

It sounds frustrating and annoying, and there are people like that the world over.

I have to consciously think about other things when I start thinking about certain topics, because they just make me mad and sap my energy.

Sometimes you just need to accept things and move on to something else. Have a little rant or go for a run or do something to take the frustration out, then move on.

It is easier said that done, but acknowledge how IRRITATING and FRUSTRATING it is, but then put that on a metaphorical raft and float it down the river. Of course you're allowed to be frustrated and angry, but it is better for you to get frustrated and angry about the things you can change than the things you can't.

[truegem]

I have no people receiving "handouts" if used appropriately. To help give them a boost for a fixed period of time until they are able to do it on their own. I do have a problem with people who have no plan and continue to take because they can.

My own story is that yes I did recieve some handouts. I got pregnant in my last year of college. I had a part-time job and so did my boyfriend at the time (now husband of 11 years). We moved into his fathers house and we both continued to work part-time but we were not prepared for the expenses of a child and watched our bank account dwindle down. It was probably the most embarassing day of my life to go down and and get governmental assistance. Now at that point I considered the assistance a handout. However, we both got our degrees, got good jobs and got off of it as soon as we could. Did I deserve the handouts..at the point that I got them probably not..what had I done to deserve them..nothing. But I know at this point that I have paid my debt back in years of hard work, taxes, and becoming a productive citizen. We needed a little help and used it to make it through a tough time. I did not just sit on my butt and just keep taking and taking and taking.

Now the story of a girl I used to work with. She had 3 kids and was recieving assistance from various programs. She could put more gifts under the Christmas tree for her kids through all of the handouts she got than I could from busting my butt 40+ hours a week. She put me over the edge one day when she said she was thinking about having another child. I quickly let her have a piece of my mind telling her that she can't even support the 3 she had, why in the world would she plan to have another child she couldn't support. She said that she was supporting her children. I told her that she was but I was as well and until she could support them on her own she shouldn't even consider having another child. She just couldn't understand that for some reason.

Handouts are fine but it is very frustrating to watch people who don't use them appropriately. I think I could go on and on but really at a certain point you can't be totally mad at the person who is recieving the handout. That has to do with their sense of values. I would say that it is more appropriate to be upset with the ENABLER (friends, parents, government) who allows them to keep taking, and taking, and taking.

[fantastic_3]

Yup, we all have one of those siblings. I learnt not to be bothered any more and I think that one day reality may just hit them and then what??? My mother is the one who is making her son that way and of course he and his wife is taking full advantage of it. They both work, live rent free for the last 12 years and having all their debts taken care by my parents. I can only blame my mother for all of this, if not then I'm sure he wouldn't be living the life he does. I couldn't be bothered anymore. I don't live the same life but am proud that my husband and I earned everything ourselves and we take pride in that.

[cocokitty]

Originally Posted by schadenfreude

Don't even get me started... because this could quickly degenerate into a political discussion, which is not what we want. As much as I respect the others' opinions, the previous comments have seemed a bit.... dismissive. I think the OP's frustration is very warranted and very real. I don't blame you at all. Unfortunately, I don't have any useful words of advice for you, because I can get pretty worked up about similar issues if I dwell on them.

I agree, a lot of people are being dismissive. However, I agree, it's best not to let such things bother you. I think you probably feel less favored, or maybe even liked, because family are going out of their way to help him and are giving you nothing. I think you should look at as they feel obligated to help him and his family, because they know he's a loser who can't stand on his two feet. They know you may not be rich, but you're smart enough to support yourself. I don't speak to my family anymore, but something happened similar to you when we were still talking. My mother has a lot more money than my uncles and aunt, her siblings. We travel often. So, about four years ago, after we were out of the country, my mom gets a very snarky call from my aunt. Saying all the nieces, I have only girl cousins, are going to Florida for free, because my uncle is paying for the plane because his MIL had a timeshare and wasn't using it that year. That they couldn't get in contact with us and I couldn't go, because the tickets had already been book. However, I was free to go if I could get a plan ride and a drive down to the house. My mom was all nice and thank you. She's more polite than me. Then, she hung up and told me, but procede with it, "Don't be upset, but Aunt..." I wasn't upset. I told my mom they were only doing it to hurt us, because they were jealous and I didn't care. I also said my cousin could use the free trip. They never go anywhere. It's all how you look at it. People can do things to hurt you, but don't let them.

[karmenzsofia]

^ "It's all how you look at it."

True. I wouldn't have looked at the fact that my plane ticket would not be paid by someone else as something done to hurt me. It's my ticket; I'm responsible. Plus the explanation is valid: you were out of the country and out of touch. How is this snarky? Yes, relatives can be a pain in the ass, but human nature is such that some people tend to assume malice more than others. And how we feel relies heavily on whether or not we assume that something is being done to us with malicious intent, KWIM?

[cocokitty]

Originally Posted by karmenzsofia

^ "It's all how you look at it." True. I wouldn't have looked at the fact that my plane ticket would not be paid by someone else as something done to hurt me. It's my ticket; I'm responsible. Plus the explanation is valid: you were out of the country and out of touch. How is this snarky? Yes, relatives can be a pain in the ass, but human nature is such that some people tend to assume malice more than others. And how we feel relies heavily on whether or not we assume that something is being done to us with malicious intent, KWIM?

It's snarky, because I don't see why they would do it right when we were having our trip. Only to call us and tell us we're going and you're not. I didn't get into, because I was just telling the OP the basics. Before we left, they're were all "Don't go there because of x,y, and z". Basically, trying to talk us out of a trip my mom was paying for herself. My mom, who is very humbles and never thinks anyone is jealous of her, said "I think they're only saying those things because they've never gone out of the country". (For them, FL is as big as it goes vacation wise.) Furthermore, we were never out of touch with them while on vacation. My mom had a cellphone, email address, and even emailed them the hotel's number for just in case stuff. In fact, she was sending emails back and forth the whole time. So, they choose not to tell us about the trip until too late. Personally, I'm not hurt or offended. In fact, coming back from Europe, I know I wouldn't have had a great time in FL. I just don't like the way they went out of their way to be like "We're going on a trip and you're not invited." I also think the fact that they had no problem with going as long a I, just me, paid my own ways speaks volumes about issues they have. Hence, I don't speak with them. Sorry, OP for getting OT.