Question about contacting estranged family (long)

LavenderBlue · Feb 23rd, 2008, 06:03 AM

I haven't been on this forum for too long, but I was hoping to get some advice on this family issue that's been bothering me for a long time ...

Both my parents were the youngest siblings in their huge farm families. They emigrated to the US after they got married and had me and my brother in this country. Growing up, I met my relatives on my mother's side only a few times, and my relatives on my father's side not at all. The one time I spoke to any member of my father's side of the family was when one of my uncles mistakenly called my cell phone (it had previously been my dad's) because he was trying to contact my dad to tell him his brother had died. When my uncle learned it was me on the line, he just got my dad's phone number from me and hung up.

Recently, my father told me one of my cousins, who I had never even heard of, had died in a suspicious drowning accident. It might have been suicide. I felt nothing at all, and then felt upset that I felt nothing. My dad was trying to convince me that I should visit him in his home country (where he's living right now) and meet my relatives, and I know I should, before it's too late but ... I just can't bring myself to do it. My parents spoke English around the house when I was growing up, so I don't even know much Mandarin and there would be this language barrier. Also ... I'm a little (unjustly, I guess) resentful of my relatives. They never even cared enough to contact me, or say anything to me when they did reach me. And I'm not close to my dad either, so if for some reason they are mean to me, I can't depend on my dad to back me up. In social situations, sometimes my dad will blurt out things I told him in confidence, or bluntly criticize me and embarass me, and I think if he did that in front of all my relatives, I couldn't take it.

Am I being selfish? Should I go visit them? Should I wait until I feel better about it? I'm so confused

merika · Feb 23rd, 2008, 09:42 AM

Relatives, like all people come in different shapes and sizes. There may be some of them you like, some you don't like, some who will be glad to be contacted and some who won't. Also in Asian hierarchy the person representing your family would be your dad, so it's natural that relatives would be in touch with him only.

Why don't you go? Instead of not being wanting to meet any of your relatives, go with an open mind and let them get to know you. I've done this and have amazing relationships with second and third cousins, some of who never knew I existed until I met them. There are language barriers sometimes, but all of them have really big hearts!

moi et mes sacs · Feb 23rd, 2008, 06:53 PM

I am no expert but my initial reaction is " what have you got to lose?" Take a holiday, see where your parents grew up. You might be thrilled with the family you may be missing out on, they might tell you amusing things about your parents. Or they might not be so interesting to you. But, hey, nothings lost. I think if you dont go, you will spend the rest of your life wondering...' what if..? '

gacats · Feb 25th, 2008, 11:27 PM

I would go just for you, it may be interesting to find your roots.
Then again, it might not.
But you won't know if you don't try!

Speedy · Feb 26th, 2008, 12:27 AM

This is entirely up to you hon. Some of the family may accept you for who you are, but some may not. I'm finding out many traditional familes from "the Old World" think all kids in America are spoiled rotten, have no respect for their elders, etc. You have no idea what the family thinks of you, so you are apprehensive. Perfectly normal.

I'd talk to your dad more and see if he can relieve some of your concerns about language, what they think, etc. I'm hoping for your sake you don't have to take on the sins of the parents, or a decision they've made years ago that you have no idea what it is about. If you even suspect you'll regret not going, then go. Smile alot, that's universal, and show an interest in learning a few words or local food recipes. They will love you for it.

And if you don't think you can, honey, don't worry about it. But I get this distinct feeling you want to know what your roots are about. Good luck!

LavenderBlue · Feb 27th, 2008, 01:46 AM

Thank you, ladies, for your advice

I think I'm more at ease about the idea of going to visit my dad and relatives, now that I've thought about it and heard from some people. I guess it could turn out horribly, but once my dad passes away (which won't be for a long time, I hope to God, but still) I won't ever have this chance again ... I guess I might as well try it once

phebe · Feb 27th, 2008, 05:26 AM

Well my mother is from another country, she came here in Italy 5 or 6 years before my birth. She never come back to her country except for when my grandma passed by (she was the only one of her side family i've ever met). Last year we (me, mum,dad and my brother) decided to go visit, to finally see where my mum grow up and to find my mother's side family.
I have to say it was one of the best things we did togheter. I loved my family, they were all so courious to know everything about us, and they told us all the 'family's stories'. In some way it was a way to understand a lot of things about my mother.
All this boring post to say that i'd go for sure. You don't have nothing to loose.

Feb 23rd, 2008, 06:03 AM	#1
LavenderBlue Member Location: Sacramento, CA	Question about contacting estranged family (long) I haven't been on this forum for too long, but I was hoping to get some advice on this family issue that's been bothering me for a long time ... Both my parents were the youngest siblings in their huge farm families. They emigrated to the US after they got married and had me and my brother in this country. Growing up, I met my relatives on my mother's side only a few times, and my relatives on my father's side not at all. The one time I spoke to any member of my father's side of the family was when one of my uncles mistakenly called my cell phone (it had previously been my dad's) because he was trying to contact my dad to tell him his brother had died. When my uncle learned it was me on the line, he just got my dad's phone number from me and hung up. Recently, my father told me one of my cousins, who I had never even heard of, had died in a suspicious drowning accident. It might have been suicide. I felt nothing at all, and then felt upset that I felt nothing. My dad was trying to convince me that I should visit him in his home country (where he's living right now) and meet my relatives, and I know I should, before it's too late but ... I just can't bring myself to do it. My parents spoke English around the house when I was growing up, so I don't even know much Mandarin and there would be this language barrier. Also ... I'm a little (unjustly, I guess) resentful of my relatives. They never even cared enough to contact me, or say anything to me when they did reach me. And I'm not close to my dad either, so if for some reason they are mean to me, I can't depend on my dad to back me up. In social situations, sometimes my dad will blurt out things I told him in confidence, or bluntly criticize me and embarass me, and I think if he did that in front of all my relatives, I couldn't take it. Am I being selfish? Should I go visit them? Should I wait until I feel better about it? I'm so confused __________________ for real! Or ! Wishlist: A Coach Wallet in Clay My Holy Grail: MJ Gray Quilted Blake

Feb 23rd, 2008, 09:42 AM	#2
merika Just me Location: In front of a computer	Re: Question about contacting estranged family (long) Relatives, like all people come in different shapes and sizes. There may be some of them you like, some you don't like, some who will be glad to be contacted and some who won't. Also in Asian hierarchy the person representing your family would be your dad, so it's natural that relatives would be in touch with him only. Why don't you go? Instead of not being wanting to meet any of your relatives, go with an open mind and let them get to know you. I've done this and have amazing relationships with second and third cousins, some of who never knew I existed until I met them. There are language barriers sometimes, but all of them have really big hearts! __________________ I will also gladly authenticate your chocolates for you.

Feb 23rd, 2008, 06:53 PM	#3
moi et mes sacs Science Geek!	Re: Question about contacting estranged family (long) I am no expert but my initial reaction is " what have you got to lose?" Take a holiday, see where your parents grew up. You might be thrilled with the family you may be missing out on, they might tell you amusing things about your parents. Or they might not be so interesting to you. But, hey, nothings lost. I think if you dont go, you will spend the rest of your life wondering...' what if..? '

Feb 25th, 2008, 11:27 PM	#4
gacats love me some bags! Location: Georgia	Re: Question about contacting estranged family (long) I would go just for you, it may be interesting to find your roots. Then again, it might not. But you won't know if you don't try! __________________ GaCats Proud Navy Mom My 2009 wish list: Chanel Ultimate Soft medium handbag in black Louis Vuitton Panda pochette ( in the works) Something Goyard- yeah, that'll happen.....

Feb 26th, 2008, 12:27 AM	#5
Speedy Sofa King Banned Location: N. California	Re: Question about contacting estranged family (long) This is entirely up to you hon. Some of the family may accept you for who you are, but some may not. I'm finding out many traditional familes from "the Old World" think all kids in America are spoiled rotten, have no respect for their elders, etc. You have no idea what the family thinks of you, so you are apprehensive. Perfectly normal. I'd talk to your dad more and see if he can relieve some of your concerns about language, what they think, etc. I'm hoping for your sake you don't have to take on the sins of the parents, or a decision they've made years ago that you have no idea what it is about. If you even suspect you'll regret not going, then go. Smile alot, that's universal, and show an interest in learning a few words or local food recipes. They will love you for it. And if you don't think you can, honey, don't worry about it. But I get this distinct feeling you want to know what your roots are about. Good luck!

Feb 27th, 2008, 01:46 AM	#6
LavenderBlue Member Location: Sacramento, CA	Re: Question about contacting estranged family (long) Thank you, ladies, for your advice I think I'm more at ease about the idea of going to visit my dad and relatives, now that I've thought about it and heard from some people. I guess it could turn out horribly, but once my dad passes away (which won't be for a long time, I hope to God, but still) I won't ever have this chance again ... I guess I might as well try it once __________________ for real! Or ! Wishlist: A Coach Wallet in Clay My Holy Grail: MJ Gray Quilted Blake

Feb 27th, 2008, 05:26 AM	#7
phebe Member Location: Roma	Re: Question about contacting estranged family (long) Well my mother is from another country, she came here in Italy 5 or 6 years before my birth. She never come back to her country except for when my grandma passed by (she was the only one of her side family i've ever met). Last year we (me, mum,dad and my brother) decided to go visit, to finally see where my mum grow up and to find my mother's side family. I have to say it was one of the best things we did togheter. I loved my family, they were all so courious to know everything about us, and they told us all the 'family's stories'. In some way it was a way to understand a lot of things about my mother. All this boring post to say that i'd go for sure. You don't have nothing to loose.