Pushy Families

Leah411 · Feb 15th, 2008, 11:54 PM

This is related to my thread about my fiance and the amputation he underwent yesterday.

Certain members of his family - his sister and his mother - are REALLY pushy. And controlling. They always have been, but it's reached unbearable levels.

He had two difficult surgeries less than 24 hours apart, then two weeks of trying to save his leg and then the amputation. Trying to keep these family members under control has been difficult, but it reached a new level on Monday when they told us they had to amputate.

J wanted to not see family the day they told him. He wanted time to adjust. The staff was supportive and posted signs and all that. He was ready to see the family the night before the surgery and he did that.

On the day of the surgery, he wanted anyone who wanted to, to come to the room for a few minutes and then go down to the waiting area. He wanted me to be the only one to go with him down the elevator and into pre-op to wait. His sister didn't even care what he wanted, and just loaded everyone onto the elevator with the gurney, followed us all the way into pre-op and tried to go into the pre-op room. Thankfully, the staff stopped them.

He was VERY agitated. It was not a good way to go into such a surgery.

And it has continued. He didn't want to see anyone after the surgery until he was ready. The day of the surgery, no one gave him a chance to rest. He had visitors from the moment he came back to his room until well into the evening. It exhausted him.

Today, he said no visitors, he couldn't handle it. His brother let the family know, but his mother has called all day. She wanted me to call after dialysis, but never gave me a chance to call before she called me. She got pissed because I didn't call to tell her that the flowers had arrived from the people at the home where she lives. Good grief!

She called AGAIN and we really got into it. She said she was coming up no matter what J wanted. She accused me of keeping people away from him. She told me "I'm a mother, you don't understand". I told her I'm a mother, too, and I DO understand and that if MY daughter said to stay away until she's ready, that I would honor her wishes. She told me I was lying. WTH??!!

We talked with his brother tonight and he is doing his best to support J and keep the family under control but we are at our wit's end. And I know I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life!!

Any words of advice? I mean, other than winning the lottery and moving thousands of miles away??

caitlin1214 · Feb 16th, 2008, 12:51 AM

Change the locks and your phone number!

Batel · Feb 16th, 2008, 12:59 AM

I'm so very sorry you're going through this, pushy families like that can be... more then words can describe. Maybe when your SO is feeling better he can sit down with his family and let them know that you speak for him now when he can't? So that situations like that confrontation on the phone with his mother wont happen again.. hopefully.

Sending good thoughts your way!

caitlin1214 · Feb 16th, 2008, 01:06 AM

Wait until he's well-rested and have him talk to his family. He can tell them that you're not trying to keep his family from anything and that he doesn't want to see or talk to anyone right now.

Christine · Feb 16th, 2008, 01:09 AM

I am confused. Why would he mind if his mom and sister wanted to support him through this whole thing? I got it that there is minimal activities.. but... someone is losing a leg? Hey.. I wasn't there so that is cool. Guess I just don't get everything that was going on. Good luck, eh?

Let us know how everything turned out.

Batel · Feb 16th, 2008, 01:15 AM

Loosing a limb can be very emotional and some people don't want the whole family around. I've had some huge surgeries in my life and I never wanted more then one person with me, its just too exhausting to have the whole family around.

claireZk · Feb 16th, 2008, 03:18 AM

I want to say first that I hope you and your husband are doing okay. I can't even imagine what you must be going through right now

...

About his family, I think he needs to be the one to tell them to back off (when he's feeling up to it). As an in-law it's not your place to deal with it, even if he wants you to, kwim?...

One of my sisters married a serious mamma's boy and he gave his momzilla a key to their house for "emergencies only". Well, about a week into their marriage, the MIL started stopping by unannounced and letting herself in at least 4 or 5 times a week. She would go through their stuff, leave groceries (because she was worried about her baby's diet

) or bizarre gifts like this scary plastic Santa she got at a yard sale, which she left in their bedroom

. It finally got to the point where the marriage was in trouble, so my sister told her hubby he needed to get her to back off. The MIL cried and pitched a fit, but in the end everyone (including her) knew that she was wrong. They did end up having to change their locks, but the MIL is over it for the most part. She still drives past their house everyday and she's still crazy, but at least she's not ruining their marriage anymore

...

Roo · Feb 16th, 2008, 03:44 AM

I don't know what advice to give you. Unfortunately many families feel that since you are not the official "wife", you have no rights - and even when you ARE the wife, they cause problems too. I went through similar drama when my husband was ill recently and it's the last thing you need during a crisis. I have made up my mind that if family members want to be involved in any future situations, then my husband will have to be well enough and coherant enough to involve them himself. Otherwise my focus will be on him only and they can just kiss my fat @ss when it comes to everything else. (Yes, the abuse I was subjected to by was THAT BAD.)

dallas · Feb 16th, 2008, 04:50 AM

This is such a difficult situation because you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. If you stand up to them it's going to look like you are trying to keep them away (even though it's at J's request) and if you step aside and allow them to do whatever they like, well, that sets a precedent for the rest of your lives. It also appears that there is past resentment surfacing here and the pressure of this situation is an excuse for it to rear it's ugly head. The only advice I can give is to try to keep things as pleasant as possible and that may mean that you have to hold your tongue at times, but keep your darling J's comfort first and foremost in your mind and you will get through this. Try to remember that everyone is hurting at the moment and emotions are running high so try to be as patient and understanding as you possibly can... even if his sister and his mother are not (you can deal with them later). I wish you and J all the best. Good luck.

Leelee · Feb 16th, 2008, 12:10 PM

I am so very sorry for your fiance's health. I can't imagine going through this trauma.

Unfortunately, I know way too much about pushy in-laws, though. I wish I had some advice, but I don't. In all my 28 years of married life I've never found a way to resolve the intrusive, over-bearing nature of my SIL. In the past two weeks alone, she's called our house probably about 15 times.

My DH suffered a substantial heart attack in Sept. After the emergency angioplasty we were faced with a time of reflection, re-evaluation of how we would find our way with his condition, facing the real possibility of death, all sorts of horrific emotions. Perhaps you and your fiance are experiencing some of these monumental emotions.

He's fortunate to have you by his side. It's clear that you are the best thing in his life and he relies on you. I'm sorry about the in-laws. I just don't know what to say to help.

Speedy · Feb 16th, 2008, 02:01 PM

Wow Leah, I so feel for you. It's now I am counting my blessings that very few of my family cared when I was having my surgeries or reccovering from that God-Awful hospital aquired infection back in 03... EKK!

It IS exsausting after having major surgery to have people around. Not to mention all the drugs they shove into you to keep you from hurting, all you want to do is sleep and not have people come in wanting to be entertained.

I'm sorry you had to be the bad guy. The staff should have done more to keep his family at bay. Hugs honey, I keep you and him in my prayers as always.

Leah411 · Feb 16th, 2008, 02:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Christine

I am confused. Why would he mind if his mom and sister wanted to support him through this whole thing? I got it that there is minimal activities.. but... someone is losing a leg? Hey.. I wasn't there so that is cool. Guess I just don't get everything that was going on. Good luck, eh?

Let us know how everything turned out.

The problem is pretty clear-cut. They want to do what THEY want to do, not what HE needs to do. He's an adult. If he doesn't want to see anyone for a day or two, that is his right and no one, not his mother, sister, me or anyone else has the right to run roughshod over his needs. How would you like it if you'd had THREE surgeries in two weeks, are weak and getting weaker, have had your leg amputated to save your life....and all someone's focus is is what THEY want and not what you want?

Just because he is momentarily captive in a hospital bed, doesn't mean he has to give up control of his own life.

I would TOTALLY understand it if my mother or my brother said "Hey, this is rough for me physically and emotionally and right now I need some time and space. I will call you when I am ready for you to come for a visit".

Anyone who cannot respect his wishes, deserves no respect from me. It's life and he gets to live it as he sees fit.

Leah411 · Feb 16th, 2008, 02:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Batel

Loosing a limb can be very emotional and some people don't want the whole family around. I've had some huge surgeries in my life and I never wanted more then one person with me, its just too exhausting to have the whole family around.

You understand it EXACTLY.

And when he is ready to see people, he'll let them know.

It's all about respect for a human being. Some people just don't get it.

Pursegrrl · Feb 16th, 2008, 02:40 PM

[quote=Leah411;5318463]You understand it EXACTLY.

And when he is ready to see people, he'll let them know.

It's all about respect for a human being. Some people just don't it.[/quote]

Oh leah, my heart breaks for you & your fiance. Sending prayers for a speedy and healthy recovery. This is huge.

You're right. Some people just don't get it. As an in-law, all you can do is the best you can do. DF needs to make it clear that if he is not well that YOU speak for the two of you and voice his wishes. If you haven't gone through major illness or surgery, you have no idea how physically and emotionally exhausting it is...

((HUGS)) to you and DF.

Leah411 · Feb 16th, 2008, 02:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Roo

I don't know what advice to give you. Unfortunately many families feel that since you are not the official "wife", you have no rights - and even when you ARE the wife, they cause problems too. I went through similar drama when my husband was ill recently and it's the last thing you need during a crisis. I have made up my mind that if family members want to be involved in any future situations, then my husband will have to be well enough and coherant enough to involve them himself. Otherwise my focus will be on him only and they can just kiss my fat @ss when it comes to everything else. (Yes, the abuse I was subjected to by was THAT BAD.)

You nailed it.

I can't be concerned about their feelings and I don't give a rat's ass if they like me or not. My focus is on DF and DF only. Most of his family is cool about it, it's just the sister and mother who are selfish and out-of-control.

But he called them all this morning and laid down the law to them. And big brother is helping to back him up, too.

His brother's wife says this is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life. She fights the same battles. Good thing I'm tough.

Feb 15th, 2008, 11:54 PM	#1
Leah411 Officially Mrs. J!	Pushy Families This is related to my thread about my fiance and the amputation he underwent yesterday. Certain members of his family - his sister and his mother - are REALLY pushy. And controlling. They always have been, but it's reached unbearable levels. He had two difficult surgeries less than 24 hours apart, then two weeks of trying to save his leg and then the amputation. Trying to keep these family members under control has been difficult, but it reached a new level on Monday when they told us they had to amputate. J wanted to not see family the day they told him. He wanted time to adjust. The staff was supportive and posted signs and all that. He was ready to see the family the night before the surgery and he did that. On the day of the surgery, he wanted anyone who wanted to, to come to the room for a few minutes and then go down to the waiting area. He wanted me to be the only one to go with him down the elevator and into pre-op to wait. His sister didn't even care what he wanted, and just loaded everyone onto the elevator with the gurney, followed us all the way into pre-op and tried to go into the pre-op room. Thankfully, the staff stopped them. He was VERY agitated. It was not a good way to go into such a surgery. And it has continued. He didn't want to see anyone after the surgery until he was ready. The day of the surgery, no one gave him a chance to rest. He had visitors from the moment he came back to his room until well into the evening. It exhausted him. Today, he said no visitors, he couldn't handle it. His brother let the family know, but his mother has called all day. She wanted me to call after dialysis, but never gave me a chance to call before she called me. She got pissed because I didn't call to tell her that the flowers had arrived from the people at the home where she lives. Good grief! She called AGAIN and we really got into it. She said she was coming up no matter what J wanted. She accused me of keeping people away from him. She told me "I'm a mother, you don't understand". I told her I'm a mother, too, and I DO understand and that if MY daughter said to stay away until she's ready, that I would honor her wishes. She told me I was lying. WTH??!! We talked with his brother tonight and he is doing his best to support J and keep the family under control but we are at our wit's end. And I know I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life!! Any words of advice? I mean, other than winning the lottery and moving thousands of miles away?? __________________

Feb 16th, 2008, 12:51 AM	#2
caitlin1214 Don't stop the rock Location: Toronto, Canada (Eh?)	Re: Pushy Families Change the locks and your phone number! __________________ And this above all: to thine ownself be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man. Polonius, Hamlet Act I, sc iii

Feb 16th, 2008, 12:59 AM	#3
Batel Member Location: Vancouver, Wa	Re: Pushy Families I'm so very sorry you're going through this, pushy families like that can be... more then words can describe. Maybe when your SO is feeling better he can sit down with his family and let them know that you speak for him now when he can't? So that situations like that confrontation on the phone with his mother wont happen again.. hopefully. Sending good thoughts your way! __________________

Feb 16th, 2008, 01:06 AM	#4
caitlin1214 Don't stop the rock Location: Toronto, Canada (Eh?)	Re: Pushy Families Wait until he's well-rested and have him talk to his family. He can tell them that you're not trying to keep his family from anything and that he doesn't want to see or talk to anyone right now. __________________ And this above all: to thine ownself be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man. Polonius, Hamlet Act I, sc iii

Feb 16th, 2008, 01:09 AM	#5
Christine Back in 5 minutes..	Re: Pushy Families I am confused. Why would he mind if his mom and sister wanted to support him through this whole thing? I got it that there is minimal activities.. but... someone is losing a leg? Hey.. I wasn't there so that is cool. Guess I just don't get everything that was going on. Good luck, eh? Let us know how everything turned out.

Feb 16th, 2008, 01:15 AM	#6
Batel Member Location: Vancouver, Wa	Re: Pushy Families Loosing a limb can be very emotional and some people don't want the whole family around. I've had some huge surgeries in my life and I never wanted more then one person with me, its just too exhausting to have the whole family around. __________________

Feb 16th, 2008, 03:18 AM	#7
claireZk Member	Re: Pushy Families I want to say first that I hope you and your husband are doing okay. I can't even imagine what you must be going through right now ... About his family, I think he needs to be the one to tell them to back off (when he's feeling up to it). As an in-law it's not your place to deal with it, even if he wants you to, kwim?... One of my sisters married a serious mamma's boy and he gave his momzilla a key to their house for "emergencies only". Well, about a week into their marriage, the MIL started stopping by unannounced and letting herself in at least 4 or 5 times a week. She would go through their stuff, leave groceries (because she was worried about her baby's diet ) or bizarre gifts like this scary plastic Santa she got at a yard sale, which she left in their bedroom . It finally got to the point where the marriage was in trouble, so my sister told her hubby he needed to get her to back off. The MIL cried and pitched a fit, but in the end everyone (including her) knew that she was wrong. They did end up having to change their locks, but the MIL is over it for the most part. She still drives past their house everyday and she's still crazy, but at least she's not ruining their marriage anymore...

Feb 16th, 2008, 03:44 AM	#8
Roo Up to the Minute Mod Location: Rue Roo	Re: Pushy Families I don't know what advice to give you. Unfortunately many families feel that since you are not the official "wife", you have no rights - and even when you ARE the wife, they cause problems too. I went through similar drama when my husband was ill recently and it's the last thing you need during a crisis. I have made up my mind that if family members want to be involved in any future situations, then my husband will have to be well enough and coherant enough to involve them himself. Otherwise my focus will be on him only and they can just kiss my fat @ss when it comes to everything else. (Yes, the abuse I was subjected to by was THAT BAD.) __________________ " We are the first nation in the history of the world to go to the poorhouse in an automobile." -- WILL ROGERS

Feb 16th, 2008, 04:50 AM	#9
dallas Ya anno	Re: Pushy Families This is such a difficult situation because you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. If you stand up to them it's going to look like you are trying to keep them away (even though it's at J's request) and if you step aside and allow them to do whatever they like, well, that sets a precedent for the rest of your lives. It also appears that there is past resentment surfacing here and the pressure of this situation is an excuse for it to rear it's ugly head. The only advice I can give is to try to keep things as pleasant as possible and that may mean that you have to hold your tongue at times, but keep your darling J's comfort first and foremost in your mind and you will get through this. Try to remember that everyone is hurting at the moment and emotions are running high so try to be as patient and understanding as you possibly can... even if his sister and his mother are not (you can deal with them later). I wish you and J all the best. Good luck. __________________ Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.

Feb 16th, 2008, 12:10 PM	#10
Leelee Up On My Toes! Location: Highland, Maryland	Re: Pushy Families I am so very sorry for your fiance's health. I can't imagine going through this trauma. Unfortunately, I know way too much about pushy in-laws, though. I wish I had some advice, but I don't. In all my 28 years of married life I've never found a way to resolve the intrusive, over-bearing nature of my SIL. In the past two weeks alone, she's called our house probably about 15 times. My DH suffered a substantial heart attack in Sept. After the emergency angioplasty we were faced with a time of reflection, re-evaluation of how we would find our way with his condition, facing the real possibility of death, all sorts of horrific emotions. Perhaps you and your fiance are experiencing some of these monumental emotions. He's fortunate to have you by his side. It's clear that you are the best thing in his life and he relies on you. I'm sorry about the in-laws. I just don't know what to say to help.

Feb 16th, 2008, 02:01 PM	#11
Speedy Sofa King Banned Location: N. California	Re: Pushy Families Wow Leah, I so feel for you. It's now I am counting my blessings that very few of my family cared when I was having my surgeries or reccovering from that God-Awful hospital aquired infection back in 03... EKK! It IS exsausting after having major surgery to have people around. Not to mention all the drugs they shove into you to keep you from hurting, all you want to do is sleep and not have people come in wanting to be entertained. I'm sorry you had to be the bad guy. The staff should have done more to keep his family at bay. Hugs honey, I keep you and him in my prayers as always.

Feb 16th, 2008, 02:40 PM	#14
Pursegrrl Oh no she di-int!! Location: Seattle	Re: Pushy Families [quote=Leah411;5318463]You understand it EXACTLY. And when he is ready to see people, he'll let them know. It's all about respect for a human being. Some people just don't it.[/quote] Oh leah, my heart breaks for you & your fiance. Sending prayers for a speedy and healthy recovery. This is huge. You're right. Some people just don't get it. As an in-law, all you can do is the best you can do. DF needs to make it clear that if he is not well that YOU speak for the two of you and voice his wishes. If you haven't gone through major illness or surgery, you have no idea how physically and emotionally exhausting it is... ((HUGS)) to you and DF.