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candygurl · Nov 6th, 2009, 12:37 PM

I cam here a couple of months ago to unload some things I couldn't share with anyone else in real life and get some advice about not being a doormat anymore. It has been hard as hell, and scary sometimes... BUT IT'S WORKING AND I HAVEN'T TURNED INTO A COMPLETE B^%^&!! LOL.

Someone's suggestion about remaining calm while enforcing my boundaries really, really worked well for me. Someone else made a comment about how some people will target nice people to take advantage of them. I realize that says something about the people that do these things, and not about me being dumb and naive. I'm a lot more careful with who I help and activities I say yes to.

The resistance to enforcing my boundaries have been text-book case, but again, some said that healthy, positive people will respect the new me and not have a problem, but the ones who want me to stay weak and use me will kick up the biggest fuss, and don't need to be in my life. So I am over the guilt, over all the religious shaming people are trying to do to me, and I am happier, and a lot wiser.

Now I can spend more time on more important things...like shopping and obsessing about fashion and handbags:)

Conchenn · Nov 6th, 2009, 01:14 PM

Originally Posted by candygurl

I cam here a couple of months ago to unload some things I couldn't share with anyone else in real life and get some advice about not being a doormat anymore. It has been hard as hell, and scary sometimes... BUT IT'S WORKING AND I HAVEN'T TURNED INTO A COMPLETE B^%^&!! LOL.

Someone's suggestion about remaining calm while enforcing my boundaries really, really worked well for me. Someone else made a comment about how some people will target nice people to take advantage of them. I realize that says something about the people that do these things, and not about me being dumb and naive. I'm a lot more careful with who I help and activities I say yes to.

The resistance to enforcing my boundaries have been text-book case, but again, some said that healthy, positive people will respect the new me and not have a problem, but the ones who want me to stay weak and use me will kick up the biggest fuss, and don't need to be in my life. So I am over the guilt, over all the religious shaming people are trying to do to me, and I am happier, and a lot wiser.

Now I can spend more time on more important things...like shopping and obsessing about fashion and handbags:)

Wow... I missed your first posts, but reading this one was amazing.

On some levels I struggle with the same issues and to see someone coming out the other side is inspiring. Good for you, sticking up for yourself and for taking the initiative. I hope to follow in your footsteps.

juneping · Nov 6th, 2009, 01:15 PM

^^oh...i think i remember you.

good for you. i am so happy for you.

ami kio · Nov 6th, 2009, 02:09 PM

It's great to hear such a positive update! Congrats on all your progress!

ZippyWho · Nov 6th, 2009, 02:49 PM

Yeah, you learned to have confidence and move on.

candygurl · Nov 6th, 2009, 03:10 PM

Thank you everyone! A little random How do you get the those colorful smiles in your Post??

I have to say this has been 20 years in the making, and I have probably had some other times where I made progress in one area or another...but this is the first time I have put my foot down across the board-family,friends, co-workers,boss, associates at once and stuck to my guns!

It seems like a lot of people don't like me now, but eventually they will learn to respect me or stay away from me! There were weeks where I did nothing but cry, but I can look myself in the mirror and I know I have done the best to treat other people the way I want to be treated. I don't care how many names I get called behind my back or how many people shun me or say I've lost my mind...I can hold my head high and move on:)

juneping · Nov 6th, 2009, 03:38 PM

^^when you do the quick reply..there's a smilely face at the pull down menu about 1/4" inch...click on it..and you can pick any smilely faces that you want.

ya...ppl are going to take sometime to adjust to the new you. some will learn to respect and some will never. if they were reasonable to begin with..you wouldn't be abused at the first place..KWIM?? you'll make new friends as well...so this is a positive change from a grand scheme.

bagnshoofetish · Nov 6th, 2009, 07:48 PM

Originally Posted by candygurl

It seems like a lot of people don't like me now, but eventually they will learn to respect me or stay away from me!

oh you'll get used to it! a lot of people don't like me either but I could give a rats ass. I focus on all the people who do like me and just soak in that love! thats just life. you will never please 100% of the people 100% of the time. and you don't have to.

lolitakali · Nov 7th, 2009, 02:30 PM

Progress is always good!

And it should always be about yourself first anyways!

flashy.stems · Nov 7th, 2009, 03:31 PM

aw good for you, darling!

Bella · Nov 7th, 2009, 06:59 PM

Originally Posted by candygurl

Now I can spend more time on more important things...like shopping and obsessing about fashion and handbags:)

Good for you candygurl! I loved your OP, but I admit when I got to this last sentence I laughed out loud. Have fun!

gacats · Nov 8th, 2009, 02:08 PM

Good for you! Keep it up and it will become 2nd nature to you.

karmenzsofia · Nov 8th, 2009, 07:22 PM

Yes, I remember you! And I remember discussing boundaries kuz you said you were a doormat. It's great to hear you're doing better!

misschbby · Nov 9th, 2009, 05:11 PM

i am given you a whoop whoop !!!

keep kickin ass and taken names

candygurl · Nov 13th, 2009, 12:23 PM

Guys, if you believe in prayer, please pray for me. My father died and although he was abusive and wanted nothing to do with me even on his dying bed, I'm still the bad guy. I will not attend the funeral.

I feel like Tina Turner when people criticized her for not attending his funeral, and then people turned around and talked about how she did him wrong!!!

I believe everything happens for a reason, and I was contacted a few months ago because someone wanted me to know I was "expected" to contribute to his funeral arrangements because he was in hospice.

At this time, no one remains from my old doormat life, I am being shunned. I am sad for him dying as a person is sad when other human beings die. I still believe in the intrinsic value of a human life.But, he made his choice, I accepted it, and there isn't a bond there. I felt very guilty at first for feeling this way, a little weird because I just thought he was too mean to die, and now I just feel like I have to keep going in the path I am on, because at the end of the day, all I really have is me.

I'm not good at asking for help, but I sure could use some encouragement to stand my ground and not fall back into old habits. Thanks guys:(

Nov 6th, 2009, 12:37 PM	#1
candygurl OP Member Joined: Sep 2009 Posts: 21	Progress Report: Brusied, Battered, But Better!!! I cam here a couple of months ago to unload some things I couldn't share with anyone else in real life and get some advice about not being a doormat anymore. It has been hard as hell, and scary sometimes... BUT IT'S WORKING AND I HAVEN'T TURNED INTO A COMPLETE B^%^&!! LOL. Someone's suggestion about remaining calm while enforcing my boundaries really, really worked well for me. Someone else made a comment about how some people will target nice people to take advantage of them. I realize that says something about the people that do these things, and not about me being dumb and naive. I'm a lot more careful with who I help and activities I say yes to. The resistance to enforcing my boundaries have been text-book case, but again, some said that healthy, positive people will respect the new me and not have a problem, but the ones who want me to stay weak and use me will kick up the biggest fuss, and don't need to be in my life. So I am over the guilt, over all the religious shaming people are trying to do to me, and I am happier, and a lot wiser. Now I can spend more time on more important things...like shopping and obsessing about fashion and handbags:)
candygurl OP Member Joined: Sep 2009 Posts: 21

Nov 6th, 2009, 01:15 PM	#3
juneping couch potato-ing Joined: Jun 2007 Location: NYC Posts: 4,327	^^oh...i think i remember you. good for you. i am so happy for you.
	__________________ wish list: purse ban until the cc is paid off $10200 paid off...$3300 to go .....oh..i can't wait...

Nov 6th, 2009, 02:09 PM	#4
ami kio Member Joined: May 2006 Location: Down South Posts: 1,335	It's great to hear such a positive update! Congrats on all your progress!
	__________________ On a ban... unless I find something that stops me in my tracks. twitter

Nov 6th, 2009, 02:49 PM	#5
ZippyWho Member Joined: Apr 2009 Posts: 337	Yeah, you learned to have confidence and move on.
ZippyWho Member Joined: Apr 2009 Posts: 337

Nov 6th, 2009, 03:10 PM	#6
candygurl OP Member Joined: Sep 2009 Posts: 21	Thank you everyone! A little random How do you get the those colorful smiles in your Post?? I have to say this has been 20 years in the making, and I have probably had some other times where I made progress in one area or another...but this is the first time I have put my foot down across the board-family,friends, co-workers,boss, associates at once and stuck to my guns! It seems like a lot of people don't like me now, but eventually they will learn to respect me or stay away from me! There were weeks where I did nothing but cry, but I can look myself in the mirror and I know I have done the best to treat other people the way I want to be treated. I don't care how many names I get called behind my back or how many people shun me or say I've lost my mind...I can hold my head high and move on:)
candygurl OP Member Joined: Sep 2009 Posts: 21

Nov 6th, 2009, 03:38 PM	#7
juneping couch potato-ing Joined: Jun 2007 Location: NYC Posts: 4,327	^^when you do the quick reply..there's a smilely face at the pull down menu about 1/4" inch...click on it..and you can pick any smilely faces that you want. ya...ppl are going to take sometime to adjust to the new you. some will learn to respect and some will never. if they were reasonable to begin with..you wouldn't be abused at the first place..KWIM?? you'll make new friends as well...so this is a positive change from a grand scheme.
	__________________ wish list: purse ban until the cc is paid off $10200 paid off...$3300 to go .....oh..i can't wait...

Nov 7th, 2009, 02:30 PM	#9
lolitakali Mira Joined: Feb 2007 Location: Maryland Posts: 2,492	Progress is always good! And it should always be about yourself first anyways!
	__________________ *Best way to diet is to eat what you hate, not eat what you love.* *$$$$$ / GOLD = "my precious".* -ME to be a dragon hoarding gold-

Nov 7th, 2009, 03:31 PM	#10
flashy.stems Hermès Hottie Joined: Jun 2009 Location: Canada Posts: 2,010	aw good for you, darling!
	__________________ “I’m the worst wife in the cooking department. I always thought you can’t be good at food and sex, but you can always order the food in. I’d rather he didn’t order in the sex.” "You can never be too rich, too thin, or have too many handbags." UHG!!! CL Black Mad Mary 37

Nov 8th, 2009, 02:08 PM	#12
gacats love me some bags! Joined: Oct 2006 Location: Georgia Posts: 7,082	Good for you! Keep it up and it will become 2nd nature to you.
	__________________ GaCats Proud Navy Mom 2010 Wishlist: 1 Chanel bag - still thinking LV Damier Neverfull I'm editing my possessions, folks!

Nov 8th, 2009, 07:22 PM	#13
karmenzsofia Life is Plan Z Joined: Jun 2008 Location: Tarot Card Posts: 14,888	Yes, I remember you! And I remember discussing boundaries kuz you said you were a doormat. It's great to hear you're doing better!
	__________________ Satisfied but wishing 4 a WTM Mini and an AP ~~* Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it necessary? Is it kind? Or, more importantly, is it funny?

Nov 9th, 2009, 05:11 PM	#14
misschbby Member Joined: Mar 2008 Location: ireland germany Posts: 747	i am given you a whoop whoop !!! keep kickin ass and taken names

Nov 13th, 2009, 12:23 PM	#15
candygurl OP Member Joined: Sep 2009 Posts: 21	Guys, if you believe in prayer, please pray for me. My father died and although he was abusive and wanted nothing to do with me even on his dying bed, I'm still the bad guy. I will not attend the funeral. I feel like Tina Turner when people criticized her for not attending his funeral, and then people turned around and talked about how she did him wrong!!! I believe everything happens for a reason, and I was contacted a few months ago because someone wanted me to know I was "expected" to contribute to his funeral arrangements because he was in hospice. At this time, no one remains from my old doormat life, I am being shunned. I am sad for him dying as a person is sad when other human beings die. I still believe in the intrinsic value of a human life.But, he made his choice, I accepted it, and there isn't a bond there. I felt very guilty at first for feeling this way, a little weird because I just thought he was too mean to die, and now I just feel like I have to keep going in the path I am on, because at the end of the day, all I really have is me. I'm not good at asking for help, but I sure could use some encouragement to stand my ground and not fall back into old habits. Thanks guys:(
candygurl OP Member Joined: Sep 2009 Posts: 21

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