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amber11 · Sep 30th, 2009, 10:32 PM

i don't have much beneficial advice, other then perhaps a marriage counselor would help because hopefully if he can hear it from a 3rd party that what he is doing is so destructive he will listen to it better... good luck and keep your head up i cant imagine how stressful this all is for you!

lorihmatthews · Sep 30th, 2009, 11:07 PM

I would also suggest that DH see a solo mental health counselor on his own. He needs to find out why he is willing to put your financial and emotional health at risk.

Sorry to hear about your troubles, my parents and sister are in Michigan and I left 13 years ago, long before the recession hit that area. Not to knock MI but I'm glad I left. I don't know how they can do it. Thankfully my parents are retired and will be able to weather it, but it's really hard for my sister and her family.

one fifty · Sep 30th, 2009, 11:14 PM

there is a show called Real Estate Intervention or something like that, the host helps people mostly couples face up to the reality of their situation, what you describe is very common on that show. maybe your DH can get on it or at least watch it?

juneping · Sep 30th, 2009, 11:31 PM

OP,
i think i am going against the majority of the posts here. i don't think right now to ask the DH to see a therapist is a good time. i think seeing a professional realty agent is a better step for now. i just think right now the focus of your problem is the finance. while the DH might be on the wrong but his intention could be good...may be he was just looking from a different/wrong POV. i would fix this crisis for now and fix his thinking emotion later. getting thru this first instead of pointing the problem towards him. most ppl's first reaction is going to be defensive..which is not something you want. you want him to come to you to solve the problem not calling him out. not the best time to clarify who's fault it is. try to focus on fixing the problem instead of making him the bad guy.
i am thinking may be your DH just didn't want to admit he's wrong..his ego is running him.
when you guys consult the realtors...ask for 3 different opinions. ask for what the existing property worth and ask if you do some renovation and what will that be worth. and ask constractors (3 also) to give you estimation to do what kind of work. but when the contractors give you the estimation..always add another 10% if the renovation is associated with plumbing/electrical re-routing/mechanical bc there's a chance it will cost more. cosmetic is the cheapest renovation...so you will really have more professional opinions to consider. but i am pretty sure they will pretty much give you the same info.
doing math is the best way to go. numbers don't discriminate and very factual. and the chance to go wrong is lower. i think you are right about your decisions but you need the numbers to support you. so have an outsider to show you DH.
GL!!

shy*violet · Sep 30th, 2009, 11:43 PM

Originally Posted by mirdc

It sounds like a marriage counsellor might be of help. Might I also suggest going on to Dave Ramseys' website and looking under 'proferred providers'-- they have licensed real estate people and financial advisors that follow the Ramsey principles of making smart financial decisions. They might be able to get your DH to see the error in his ways

Agreed.

Financial issues are the #1 cause of divorces, so I def. think a marriage counselor on top of the real estate help would be good.

domlee · Oct 1st, 2009, 09:12 AM

Juneping and I agree. It is about his need to win/save his ego. He is so focused on winning (to save face), that he isn't seeing the total picture. Asking him for marriage counseling now, is to some extent, going to add fuel to the fire. He'll isolate himself more due to the added stress.

gina2328 · Oct 1st, 2009, 09:38 AM

I think a financial advisor would be a great idea, but how can we find a good financial advisor? Through the Dave Ramsey website? Any other suggestions?

gina2328 · Oct 2nd, 2009, 12:38 PM

Originally Posted by mirdc

It sounds like a marriage counsellor might be of help. Might I also suggest going on to Dave Ramseys' website and looking under 'proferred providers'-- they have licensed real estate people and financial advisors that follow the Ramsey principles of making smart financial decisions. They might be able to get your DH to see the error in his ways

Thank you so much for your suggestion! We found a realtor that seems to know a lot about how to deal with investment properties, banks, short sales, loan modifications, etc. He made suggestions that we would have never thought of.

Sep 30th, 2009, 10:32 PM	#16
amber11 Member Joined: Feb 2008 Posts: 711	i don't have much beneficial advice, other then perhaps a marriage counselor would help because hopefully if he can hear it from a 3rd party that what he is doing is so destructive he will listen to it better... good luck and keep your head up i cant imagine how stressful this all is for you!
amber11 Member Joined: Feb 2008 Posts: 711

Sep 30th, 2009, 11:07 PM	#17
lorihmatthews Fall is here! Joined: Oct 2006 Location: San Francisco Posts: 11,050	I would also suggest that DH see a solo mental health counselor on his own. He needs to find out why he is willing to put your financial and emotional health at risk. Sorry to hear about your troubles, my parents and sister are in Michigan and I left 13 years ago, long before the recession hit that area. Not to knock MI but I'm glad I left. I don't know how they can do it. Thankfully my parents are retired and will be able to weather it, but it's really hard for my sister and her family.
	__________________ My blog: Part-time Fashion for a Full-time Life Twitter: lorihmatthews

Sep 30th, 2009, 11:14 PM	#18
one fifty Member Joined: Dec 2008 Posts: 287	there is a show called Real Estate Intervention or something like that, the host helps people mostly couples face up to the reality of their situation, what you describe is very common on that show. maybe your DH can get on it or at least watch it?
one fifty Member Joined: Dec 2008 Posts: 287

Sep 30th, 2009, 11:31 PM	#19
juneping couch potato-ing Joined: Jun 2007 Location: NYC Posts: 4,352	OP, i think i am going against the majority of the posts here. i don't think right now to ask the DH to see a therapist is a good time. i think seeing a professional realty agent is a better step for now. i just think right now the focus of your problem is the finance. while the DH might be on the wrong but his intention could be good...may be he was just looking from a different/wrong POV. i would fix this crisis for now and fix his thinking emotion later. getting thru this first instead of pointing the problem towards him. most ppl's first reaction is going to be defensive..which is not something you want. you want him to come to you to solve the problem not calling him out. not the best time to clarify who's fault it is. try to focus on fixing the problem instead of making him the bad guy. i am thinking may be your DH just didn't want to admit he's wrong..his ego is running him. when you guys consult the realtors...ask for 3 different opinions. ask for what the existing property worth and ask if you do some renovation and what will that be worth. and ask constractors (3 also) to give you estimation to do what kind of work. but when the contractors give you the estimation..always add another 10% if the renovation is associated with plumbing/electrical re-routing/mechanical bc there's a chance it will cost more. cosmetic is the cheapest renovation...so you will really have more professional opinions to consider. but i am pretty sure they will pretty much give you the same info. doing math is the best way to go. numbers don't discriminate and very factual. and the chance to go wrong is lower. i think you are right about your decisions but you need the numbers to support you. so have an outsider to show you DH. GL!!
	__________________ wish list: purse ban until the cc is paid off $10200 paid off...$3300 to go .....oh..i can't wait... Last edited by juneping; Sep 30th, 2009 at 11:49 PM.

Oct 1st, 2009, 09:38 AM	#22
gina2328 OP Member Joined: Jul 2007 Location: Michigan Posts: 625	I think a financial advisor would be a great idea, but how can we find a good financial advisor? Through the Dave Ramsey website? Any other suggestions?
	__________________ Dress shabbily and they remember the dress; dress impeccably and they remember the woman -- Coco Chanel

Oct 1st, 2009, 09:12 AM	#21
domlee Member Joined: Jan 2007 Location: Los Angeles Posts: 952	Juneping and I agree. It is about his need to win/save his ego. He is so focused on winning (to save face), that he isn't seeing the total picture. Asking him for marriage counseling now, is to some extent, going to add fuel to the fire. He'll isolate himself more due to the added stress.

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