[Laurie8504]

Here's my situation: I'm 22, my bf is 3 months older than me. We've been together for 6 months, we met at the college that I still attend (he graduated). We both believe in dating for marriage, not just casual dating around, so our relationship started out with the intent of seeing if it could lead to marriage (just to give you an idea of what I'm working with). We live a little over an hour apart. This is new to me, I've never been in a serious relationship before. He has (he was with his last gf for 3 1/2 years). We both love each other.

Lately though, I've been questioning things, so I made a list of pros and cons about him (this is what I do, I'm a list-maker). I though I would share it here in the hopes that I could profit from the wisdom of some of the more experienced and mature women in this forum.

All of the pros, even some that seem silly, are things that are important to me and that I would require in a partner. All of the cons are also important to me, and are things that I have mentioned to him at one point or another (in a serious conversation and he knows they are important to me, so it's not like I'm dropping a bomb on him or anything). So here's my list:

PRO [CON]
Sensitive [Too emotional, Apologizes for everything (for being sick, for his grandma’s death, for things that are my fault), would definitely cry if I mentioned anything like this to him...which makes this even harder for me.]

Considerate [Over-thinks everything, Lies about stupid things, which makes me wonder if he lies about important things, but I don't suspect him of it.]

Loves me [Tells me ‘he doesn’t see how I could like him’, often questions my love, Told me he hated me (ONCE, in a very emotional situation, has regretted it ever since)]

Good sense of humor [Complains about his job/parents at least once a week…I'm not sure if I like his parents that much, which is important to me (I know I'm not dating his parents, but I would want a close friendship with my in-laws, I don't think this would be possible with his dad)]

Wants to marry me [Wants to get married soon...I need a few years. He is willing to wait, but mentions ‘when we’re married…” a lot]

Doesn’t drink or smoke [Overweight and won’t do anything about it/doesn’t think he is]

Virgin, More affectionate than I am [Has trouble controlling sexual impulses/not very focused on protecting my sexual purity]


Items without a 'match' :
Great ‘big brother’ to my little brother (he’s 13 with 2 older sisters)
Likes cats
Good at 'talking things out'

We don’t seem to connect anymore (we have trouble talking on the phone, it annoys me so much when he calls because I just have to sit and listen to him talk about how much he misses me, which often makes me not answer when he calls)
Sometimes it seems like he doesn't know what to wear or how to compose himself in social situations, which can be awkward....(this is one of those things that I'm afraid I might be over-thinking)
I'm worried that I might be holding onto him b/c of what others would think if we broke up.
We argue over petty things, I feel like it's mostly my fault, and I'm worried that I'm doing it subconsciously to sabotage the relationship.
Without sounding too awful, I'm smarter than he is, which bothers me because intelligence is something I really admire in others.



So my questions are as follows:
1. Should I share this list with him before I decide whether or not to break up? OR should I make that decision on my own first, then show him the list to explain things?
2. If it fair of me to stay with him with all of these doubts?
3. Should I just wait and see if things change?
4. Am I being too nit-picky or unreasonable?
5. Do most people feel this way about their SO?

Please feel free to address additional things as well (ie, not just these questions). Thank you so much for any advice!

[Cheryl]

So my questions are as follows:
1. Should I share this list with him before I decide whether or not to break up? OR should I make that decision on my own first, then show him the list to explain things? I would NEVER show him a list of his pros and CONS, all he will see is his cons and its not fair to point out all of someones negative points and in a way throw it in their face
2. If it fair of me to stay with him with all of these doubts? I would suggest maybe taking some time away from the relationship and see how you feel, You seem to have ALOT of doubts about someone you "Love"
3. Should I just wait and see if things change? I cant imagine things changing for you, It seems to me that he annoys you alittle bit, I would seriously consider thinking very hard about if this is a relationship YOU want to be in, Not only what your friends/family will think if you break up.
4. Am I being too nit-picky or unreasonable? If this is how you feel then its how you feel, Its not likely going to change.
5. Do most people feel this way about their SO? I love my husband with all my heart and he does get under my skin sometimes but I love everything about him. If I made a pro/con list my pro's would be more then 1 or 2 words and the list would be more even, LoL

Alittle background, My husband and I are "highschool sweethearts" We have been together for 6 years and married for just over 3. I would NOT show him your list becuase im sure it would seriously hurt his feelings and I would really think about the relationship because if you arent happy with him then you can't do anything to change that.

[Laurie8504]

Originally Posted by cherthompson

So my questions are as follows:
1. Should I share this list with him before I decide whether or not to break up? OR should I make that decision on my own first, then show him the list to explain things? I would NEVER show him a list of his pros and CONS, all he will see is his cons and its not fair to point out all of someones negative points and in a way throw it in their face
2. If it fair of me to stay with him with all of these doubts? I would suggest maybe taking some time away from the relationship and see how you feel, You seem to have ALOT of doubts about someone you "Love"
3. Should I just wait and see if things change? I cant imagine things changing for you, It seems to me that he annoys you alittle bit, I would seriously consider thinking very hard about if this is a relationship YOU want to be in, Not only what your friends/family will think if you break up.
4. Am I being too nit-picky or unreasonable? If this is how you feel then its how you feel, Its not likely going to change.
5. Do most people feel this way about their SO? I love my husband with all my heart and he does get under my skin sometimes but I love everything about him. If I made a pro/con list my pro's would be more then 1 or 2 words and the list would be more even, LoL

Alittle background, My husband and I are "highschool sweethearts" We have been together for 6 years and married for just over 3. I would NOT show him your list becuase im sure it would seriously hurt his feelings and I would really think about the relationship because if you arent happy with him then you can't do anything to change that.

Thank you so much for your honest response. I would never want to throw something in his face, I didn't even see that it would come off like that. I think you're right, he does annoy me a bit. And I definitely don't say "I love you" as often as he does, sometimes I feel pressured to say it. But I truly enjoy his company, and care for him a lot, that's why this is so hard for me.

I'm know that if I try to "take some time away from the relationship" as you've suggested, that he would attempt to talk me out of it. He doesn't believe in taking breaks. I've tried before and they lasted all of a day. Do I need to be more firm?

[rubylola]

To be honest, from everything you have said I don't think this is the guy for you- you have so many doubts. and there are so many things about him that you don't rate.

I am married to a man who I think is pretty well perfect, there is very little about him that I don't hold in the highest regard, and if I hadn't met someone I felt that way about I wouldn't be married. (And I have high standards, so there was every chance I was going to remain unmarried). That is what you deserve in a marriage- don't settle for less.

When I was younger and dating I would always know when a relationship wasn't to be when I started to get what I called 'the cringe'- when, all of a sudden a guy I have been seeing and liking started to make me cringe: What he said, what he did, what he wore etc- anything could set it off, and the relationship would be over. It sounds to me as if this guy gives you "the cringe"- sorry to say. It doesn't sound like you have a future with him.

If you do break up with him let him down gently, but firmly, so he knows you mean what you say (and that he won't be able to change your mind, or he will try to), and don't tell him about your list. Ever!

[gillianna]

I see red flags.......first he wants marriage soon. One think it reminds me of is guys who push for a relationship and want the person all to themselves and when things don't work out (he refuses to give you a break) he seems to suffocate you with the phone calls.....these are the guys that sometimes become stalkers when you break up. He sounds way too needy of all your time, ect....and that itself is not healthy. He is also your first serious relationship. Is it fair to you to feel like he has to be the one. I may get bashed but at your age you should be dating and not settle for the first guy who seems to think "you are the one". You seem to have so many doubts and that inself speaks about how you are feeling. Yes, you may enjoy his company but would you enjoy it for the rest of your life? It doesn't sound like it, you are dreading his calls. I think you need a break but I feel things could get ugly if you try to tell him this. You are young and you say that marriage is not on your list for the next few years....so are you going to be stuck in this situation????
I wish you the best.

[Laurie8504]

Originally Posted by rubylola

To be honest, from everything you have said I don't think this is the guy for you- you have so many doubts. and there are so many things about him that you don't rate.

I am married to a man who I think is pretty well perfect, there is very little about him that I don't hold in the highest regard, and if I hadn't met someone I felt that way about I wouldn't be married. (And I have high standards, so there was every chance I was going to remain unmarried). That is what you deserve in a marriage- don't settle for less.

When I was younger and dating I would always know when a relationship wasn't to be when I started to get what I called 'the cringe'- when, all of a sudden a guy I have been seeing and liking started to make me cringe: What he said, what he did, what he wore etc- anything could set it off, and the relationship would be over. It sounds to me as if this guy gives you "the cringe"- sorry to say. It doesn't sound like you have a future with him.

If you do break up with him let him down gently, but firmly, so he knows you mean what you say (and that he won't be able to change your mind, or he will try to), and don't tell him about your list. Ever!

But how did you get past thoughts that he just might be the best? I mean, he is a really great guy, what's to say there's going to be someone better suited to me? I'm not the type of girl that 'needs' a guy (obviously, if this is my first real relationship), but you do wonder, you know?

[Laurie8504]

Originally Posted by gillianna

I see red flags.......first he wants marriage soon. One think it reminds me of is guys who push for a relationship and want the person all to themselves and when things don't work out (he refuses to give you a break) he seems to suffocate you with the phone calls.....these are the guys that sometimes become stalkers when you break up. He sounds way too needy of all your time, ect....and that itself is not healthy. He is also your first serious relationship. Is it fair to you to feel like he has to be the one. I may get bashed but at your age you should be dating and not settle for the first guy who seems to think "you are the one". You seem to have so many doubts and that inself speaks about how you are feeling. Yes, you may enjoy his company but would you enjoy it for the rest of your life? It doesn't sound like it, you are dreading his calls. I think you need a break but I feel things could get ugly if you try to tell him this. You are young and you say that marriage is not on your list for the next few years....so are you going to be stuck in this situation????
I wish you the best.

I realize that it seems young to a lot of people, but where I'm from, I'm the exception. Several of my friends are married/engaged, and I'm one of the only girls I know who's not obsessed with getting a ring on her finger. Around here, most people get married in their early 20's. I consider myself fortunate that I don't feel pressured in this way.

I think you're right, I really do feel that a break would help me clear my head and be able to objectively assess the situation.

Thanks so much for your advice!

[razorbackbelle0]

1. Should I share this list with him before I decide whether or not to break up? OR should I make that decision on my own first, then show him the list to explain things? DO NOT show him this list. Showing people a list of cons, things you don't like about them, will haunt them forever-- trust me, been there.
2. If it fair of me to stay with him with all of these doubts? No, it is not. It sounds like you really need to step back and assess the situation. When you're with "the one", you will know it. Don't settle for baked chicken when you deserve filet mignon. It's not fair to him or to yourself to stay in this relationship when you're unsatisfied, and it's obvious you are.
3. Should I just wait and see if things change? They won't. Again, speaking from experience. Sometimes people just fall out of love, or the way you love someone changes. "Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they've got." I've found this to be particularly true in more than one case.
4. Am I being too nit-picky or unreasonable? Not at all. Again, don't settle for anything less than everything you want.
5. Do most people feel this way about their SO? I have before. I ended it, and I am glad I did, because we both went on to find much more fulfilling relationships.

Good luck

[helium]

Too many doubts... if you can pick cons from his pros, then you know you've got to let go.

[ladystara]

I think when you start purposely not answering his calls, it's time to let go. It means you're not enjoying your time with him, which is the whole point of a relationship.

[wordpast]

Originally Posted by Laurie8504

But how did you get past thoughts that he just might be the best? I mean, he is a really great guy, what's to say there's going to be someone better suited to me? I'm not the type of girl that 'needs' a guy (obviously, if this is my first real relationship), but you do wonder, you know?

Just because he's a great guy, doesn't mean he's the great guy that's right for YOU. I agree with the others, it sounds like you need a break.

Oh, and PLEASE don't worry about what others will think about you. It's YOUR life, you deserve to do what's right for you.

Originally Posted by ladystara

I think when you start purposely not answering his calls, it's time to let go. It means you're not enjoying your time with him, which is the whole point of a relationship.

I agree!

[Nishi621]

Originally Posted by helium

Too many doubts... if you can pick cons from his pros, then you know you've got to let go.

I agree

[Laurie8504]

Wow, so much great advice, thank you all for replying, I sincerely appreciate it. I've got a lot of thinking to do. We're going to a wedding and christmas shopping this weekend, so I'll see how things go and work from there.

[devoted]

Originally Posted by Laurie8504

But how did you get past thoughts that he just might be the best? I mean, he is a really great guy, what's to say there's going to be someone better suited to me? I'm not the type of girl that 'needs' a guy (obviously, if this is my first real relationship), but you do wonder, you know?

the only thing making you stay with him is the thought of you maybe not finding someone better? you having that idea in your head just proves he's not the one. When women find "the one" there's no "what if he is the best, I might not find someone better" thinking, trust me. Along with the cons, especially his weight and intelligence, I really don't even think you have feelings for him, you probably stay with him out of pity and don't want to break his heart.

[HubbaWubba]

It sounds to me like you are friends instead of bf/gf. I know you probably love him, but are you in love with him? There is a difference. If you are having doubts this early, I doubt they will change. I say it's not fair to either of you. Getting married because that's what everyone else is doing is probably not a good reason. Do you just want to get married to be married?