Plastic surgery- How can I make my parents understand?

[lauren8792]

Has anyone here ever done something/wanted to do something, but you had people you love strongly against it to the point of where it really upset you?

A little background: I am 23 years old, a recent college graduate, and I live back at home now. (getting ready to start up at a different school in the fall).

I love myself and the way I look except for one physical imperfection I was born with on my face- It doesn't affect my health, but it has given me low self esteem all my life (I won't mention what it is because it isn't really important and not relevant to the advice that I need from you guys).I have spent years struggling with trying different methods to get rid of it, but none of them have even so much as slightly improved it. I got made fun of for it when I was a little kid (I remember it just like it was yesterday), and now that I am an adult, people will randomly make comments about it (I know they don't mean to be hurtful, but it really does upset me). I am so happy with my body and the way I look besides this one little thing!!! It's so frustrating. And most of the time I forget its even there since I can't see it, until I look in a mirror/someone asks me about it... then I'm reminded!

Anyway, after trying every cosmetic product/natural home remedy under the sun with no change, I decided to go to a few doctors to see what they think my options were. I explained to them that I have tried everything to improve it, but nothing has worked. They recommended cosmetic surgery, which I wasn't expecting but was 100% fine with because it would completely get rid of it! I went to a free consultation at a great plastic surgeon in my area. He went over the surgery, what would be done, and the results I should expect, which were phenomenal and I was so excited. They went over prices and financing as well, but I wanted to talk to my parents about it first because I am very close with them and I am living with them again now. Even though it's a minor small surgery, it's still a big decision.

Okay so... when I told parents that I was considering going through with this cosmetic procedure, they had a reaction that made me feel completely awful and like I was scum basically. They got so upset when I just mentioned i was THINKING about it. I have brought it up a few times since then just trying to have a casual adult conversation about it, and my mom will just start crying because she disagrees or it will escalate into a huge fight. My father thinks I have a complex with my body image and I need to go to a therapist because plastic surgery "isn't the answer". My parents are pretty conservative, but nothing extreme and I never expected this reaction from them. They told me that they both think it's shameful, selfish/self-indulgent, ridiculous to do even consider something like this. They also told me that I am beautiful the way I am, and that plastic surgery is disgusting and a complete joke, and they do not support me. WTF? I am scared to bring it up again. My best friend knows about the whole situation and tells me that if they love me and want the best for me, they would be supportive no matter how much they disagreed with it. I can't help but think the same thing. Plus, it's not like I want to change my entire face or something- I just want to look like me, but without this thing that has ruined my self esteem.

I have decided that I really want to go through with this surgery because I know it would truly make me happy and make me feel as pretty as I feel when I'm not looking in a mirror... But I just don't know how to handle it. I'm also angry that they aren't more supportive because my parents have been there in person to see people make a comment about my face. My mom and dad know how hard I've struggled with it my entire life... I think that's what gets me the most.

Can anyone give me some advice? I would appreciate it more than you could imagine. What should I do/how should I handle this? Thanks guys.

[KristyDarling]

Everyone has insecurities about their appearance, but for some people, it affects their day-to-day confidence level and self-esteem. For those people, I believe that cosmetic surgery can be a good option. It sounds like you fall into that category.

You say you're 23 and about to start school again in the fall...were you going to ask your parents to pay for the surgery? Given how strongly they currently feel against it, I would advise that you not involve them at all, financially or otherwise. Parents think that their children are perfect and gorgeous no matter what, and many will have an emotional reaction against plastic surgery. However, you're an adult, and don't really NEED their blessing for this. I don't know your parents, but I believe that most people will eventually realize that their child is still the same person, only more confident.

If I were in your shoes, my goal would be to assure my parents that I do NOT see this as a magic bullet for happiness, and that this is being done for self-confidence reasons only. I'd reassure them that I do respect and seek their opinion, however, I am now an adult and will not always agree with them. I would also remind them that I've tried EVERYTHING except for plastic surgery, and nothing has worked and it's STILL bothering you deeply. I'd show them how I've thought it through carefully, done all my research, and weighed all the pro's and con's. Tell them that sooner or later, you're going to go ahead with this, and although they don't understand it right now, you will still be YOU, and they'll eventually see how much comfier you are in your own skin.

Have you decided how you'll pay for this procedure? I'm assuming that as a recent grad, you don't have a big ole nest egg in the bank. You can either take out a loan yourself (though the interest rate won't be pretty), or wait until you are financially independent and steadily employed before you have the surgery. Personally, I would not take out a loan to finance plastic surgery unless I was sure of being able to pay it off quickly. Just my opinion.

Good luck to you, and please keep us posted!

[Immi]

Explain to them them that:
When you look in the mirror you notice it every single time and it gets you down
You know that when you've had it treated with surgery, it won't "change your life completely" and the only thing different will be that whatever it is on your face will be gone/sorted
Say that you know realistically there's a chance people you know won't even notice you've had it done, which is ok because you're doing this for yourself and nobody else
You think it's completely worth it and you won't regret it
You've been trying hard for a decent amount of time to find out other ways of dealing with it and this is the only useful option (I assume it is)

That way you seem realistic about it and they won't think you're having surgery because you've got unrealistic hopes about what the surgery will do for you. Some people have a knee-jerk negative reaction to plastic surgery because they hate the concept, but also these are your parents so they probably see you with so much love that they think you're perfect the way you are... But you're 23 now and old enough to make decisions like this for yourself.

[shy*violet]

Is it possible that they are worried about the procedure (because even minor/routine surgeries can go wrong) and it is coming out as frustration/anger on their parts?

[couturequeen]

I'd continue talking to them and maybe even have one of them come with you to the doctor so they can see that this is something you are very serious about and that you've thought it through. It will take time, but be patient.

Your friend is right - they will be supportive. Even though they don't agree with you now, they will be there for you at the end of the day, no matter what you do.

Good luck!

[misschbby]

go for it !! if it bothers you .

[Irishgal]

Tell them that while you understand that they do not agree with what you are doing, you are doing it and hope that they will support this big decision you have made.
Then schedule the surgery. And stop wanting people to agree with everything you do. And I mean that in a nice loving way. Your parents may be from a different era when plastic surgery was considered freaky or vain. That is not the case anymore.

Good luck with the surgery. I hope you are happy with the results.

[kattykay]

I had a few procedures done a couple years ago and my mother was very supportive because she wants a boob job but my dad didnt think anything was necessary and wouldnt even come see me in the hospital. When it was over and I came home his tune changed and he felt better that I had it done because I was happy. I would just go for it if I was you, they will see in the end that it makes you happy and it will make them happy.

[Hally]

Can you afford it yourself and would the recovery time affect your school plans at all?

My parents would not have been supportive if I had wanted to change something of the nature that you describe when I was your age, regardless of how much it might have helped my self-esteem.

If you can afford it I fully support you and hope you are happy.

[lorihmatthews]

I think if I were you I'd put it on the back burner until you're out on your own and done with school. I'd also wait until you can pay for it in cash without financing (I'm assuming this is cosmetic/elective, not reconstructive).

[Zophie]

I had my nose done when I was 21 and my mom knew how badly I wanted it but she was NOT happy. She thinks plastic surgery is wrong. Now I'm 37 and last year I had my boobs done and lipo. My mom was sooooo against that that she won't even acknowledge that I had it done. She made me feel so incredibly guilty for doing something that I want to do, and I had to remind myself not to let her make me feel that way. I know it's natural to want to please one's parents, but ultimately you are the one who has to be happy, and if the surgery will improve your quality of life, don't let anyone else's opinions get in the way. I don't regret any of my surgeries for one second and my mom has moved on and it's a non-issue now.

[Pierito510]

Truly...very few people can do one plastic surgery for one thing that bothers them and leave it there.. Most go on to other surgeries...and other surgeries....some people say 'who cares" but truly I agree with your parents for the fear that this may begin something that you feel comfortable with plastic surgery and will never stop..next boobs, next lipo...I know I am going to get some people upset.. But It's just my opinion.. Not judging anyone. Compromise with your parents and go to one or two counseling visits..after all leaving without 'the thing that bothers you" will also take some mature adjustment... and promise them this will be the one and only time....SOme imperfections are actually cute and set people different...I had crooked teeth until I was 19...all my friends teased me about them...when I fixed them...they all missed them and told me how cute I looked...equally I have friends who have had a lot of procedures done and then sooner or later they regret one or two...also be sure you are not trading a mole for a scar...moles are better than scars..and ask the surgeon to reassure you 100% that it won't come back...go to a board certified plastic surgeon... and search him in the medical board..
wish you the best!

[laloki]

You are a 23 year old adult who is quite capable of making decisions, you are the person that is living with "the issue" not your parents so I think it is unfair of them to make you feel so bad about something that affects you.

Last year I had 7 moles removed from my face by a Plastic Surgeon, all my life I had hated them and felt embarrassed in photos because you could see them. Now that they have been removed and there is no visible scarring I am so happy and wished that I had got it done years ago. People probably could call me vain for wanting to get rid of them but I do feel so much better for having them removed.

[DreamingBeauty]

It's kind of hard to give advice without knowing what you are planning to have done. Having one mole removed vs. getting a nose job vs. getting cheek/chin implants are all very different things. One mole is like a no-brainer, almost any doctor can do that and insurance will cover it. But it doesn't sound like this is what you are doing. Your parents are probably concerned about any risks the procedure may have, especially if it requires you to go under, and also the risk of ending up even unhappier with how you look if the surgery doesn't turn out the way you thought. Doctors can promise a lot of things, especially in these "free" consultations, but you have to realize this isn't always the reality and they have a certain bias. Of course they will suggest plastic surgery if you go to a plastic surgeon, did you really think they would tell you to just leave it alone? Also, do you tend to fixate on your appearance and believe fixing this one thing is going to change your life? You say this one thing has "ruined" your self esteem, that is really not a healthy outlook and seeing a therapist just to talk about it would not hurt. You could still end up having the surgery if you decide, but at least you may have a clearer head about it and you will know that you are fixing the right problem.

[juneping]

Actually my parents told me I should get something done when I was 18 right brfore college. I was bit tempted but didn't do it. Later down the road a friend suggested me get it done and I told my parents and they were so supportive.
I am glad I did it but somehow I wish they thought I was perfect that I didn't need plastic surgery to feel pretty.