[ShimmaPuff]

Originally Posted by SPOILEDkiwi

...I think etiquette rules saying the host should pay for everything comes about from a time when only older people would host parties...

The "etiquette rule" itself is not age-dependent. (Nor is how much money one has, by the way). The purpose of etiquette, or manners, is to make others feel comfortable.

While you might be perfectly comfortable with me suggesting that we split a pizza - both the cost and the consumption of it, you might not be so comfortable if I invite you to a pizza party and greet you at the door with a request to fork over $20.

Zophie expresses this better than I can:

Originally Posted by Zophie

...we are going out to dinner...one thing, but I think if you call it a "party," whoever is throwing it should pay for it...

Originally Posted by SPOILEDkiwi

...If a broke 21 year old wanted a birthday party, it was probably going to be thrown by the person's parents...

Of course, not all 21 year olds have parents with enough money to throw him a party, so if he is broke and wants a party, there is nothing wrong with him getting together with some close friends and all going out together, each paying their own "way."

The key is that it is never presented to any of the attendees as a "party," or with any sort of offer of hospitality, or their being "guests" and the 21 year old the "host," but very clearly just another night of going out and asking for separate checks, the only difference is that the occasion they are all celebrating in this way is the birthday of our broke 21 year old!

[glamgrl921]

I have had my past two birthday parties (23 & 24) be an affair of this sort. both bars where i held them i had arranged a deal to have an open bar for 2 hours for $30 per person (this is nyc, after all). I would love nothing more than to throw a super swank birthday with all of my friends, but I really can't afford it, and I honestly feel unless you're a debutante it's more than ok to have a party this way. both parties I had between 30-40 people there, so it would have been very expensive to pay for everything myself, even with the open bar. it probably would have cost me almost $100 per person (and that's probably low-balling it). most of my friends do something similar and I have no problem with it at all. i would rather have a big party with all my friends than a small evening out with just a few people and pay for them all. it has nothing to do with paying, mind you, i would just rather see everyone that I love and care about help me celebrate. besides, in about 2 years i'll probably be over this anyway, or hopefully in a place where i can afford to pay for everyone!

[candy2100]

I'm in the "pay for people if you invite them to a party" camp. Just seems way more tasteful.

[KristyDarling]

In my experience, this was a common AND acceptable practice in college and during the immediate post-college years. I think this is a very acceptable thing among younger people (early 20s), because it probably isn't financially feasible for most people in that age bracket to pay for an open bar for all their friends. And, like someone else said, people in this age group do tend to drink a lot and so the party pays for itself. What I would NOT like, though, is if someone charges an exorbitant cover in order to MAKE money on their birthday party...that'd be so tacky!

Nowadays, in our group of friends (30s and 40s), birthday parties are much less complicated. We all just decide to meet at a casual neighborhood bar where there is no cover charge, and everyone just pays for their own drinks. And the birthday girl/boy will often buy a round of drinks for everyone, or buy appetizers for the group. A generous guest might reciprocate by buying more rounds of drinks for everyone. It's all very casual and impromptu!

[oo0ehxtahcee0oo]

I think it depends on what TYPE of party and the age of the people coming, how many there are, and how close you are. If I'm having a club/bar thing with tons of friends the wristband is a great idea. But if its just like 5 close friends for dinner I'd pay no problem!!

[IntlSet]

duplicate sorry

[IntlSet]

duplicate sorry

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[IntlSet]

comp went nuts

[IntlSet]

LOL Did one of you gals submit this to the New York Times?

Check out their advice column this week:

By PHILIP GALANES
Published: July 6, 2008
When invited by a friend to dinner celebrating his or her own birthday at a restaurant, are the invitees obligated to split the tab and not allow the birthday celebrator to pay?

Much as I hate it, this does appear to be current practice. What’s more, these meals have come a long way since the first time my gang treated a birthday boy to a club sandwich at the corner deli.

I’ve heard more than a few stories in which otherwise modest folk have turned into Baron von Fancy Pants on their birthdays — choosing five-star restaurants and expensive wines and leaving their guests to foot the bill.

I have no doubt that this birthday-meal trend grew out of honest affection for our hosts. “Your money is no good today,” we must have cried, as we whipped our wallets out. But now the spontaneous gesture has calcified into something like obligation.

So I suggest a new practice, which is merely a return to the old one: Hosts should only give parties that they pay for themselves. And friends should give gifts they want to give — which might be playing host to a birthday dinner with a few friends at a restaurant of their choice.

Otherwise, I will reciprocate by inviting these pay-for-play birthday hosts to Turnbull & Asser, choosing some really expensive shirts and thanking them for such a nice gift.

[LeeMiller]

Personally I've never had a party for myself at a bar. I always have them at my place and I supply the food and drinks. I don't mind having a party at a restaurant/bar for a friend, but honestly I've never been invited to an all you can drink event?? I wouldn't feel comfortable inviting people to celebrate somewhere where you pay and I have been in those situations where the bill gets pretty expensive because others add on alot of drinks/expensive appetizers/etc. I also went to a friend's party where she rented part of a bar and brought cake/snacks so people could buy their own drinks, but it was up to them. I think that's a good compromise for those with small apartments and allows a little bit of being a hostess. Drink all you want for $X is bound not to appeal to some people I would imagine.

[exotikittenx]

If you can't afford the big bash, don't have the party and just accept the fact. You can't always get what you want. Perhaps have some people over and treat them to a low key night with pizza. I find it very tacky to request a donation or ask people to chip in for YOUR birthday party. It is just poor etiquette.

[TygerKitty]

Usually when my friends and I get together we buy alcohol and food for whomever is coming over unless we all go shopping together then we all end up pitching in. If we don't shop together then we bring things we want to drink/eat (even though we know it will be provided) or bring gifts for the host/hostess. Sometimes if we have crazy parties at someones house all the guests clean as well (dishes, taking out all the garbage we make, everything). I think I'd be a bit put off if I was asked to pay to come to a party but I don't think bringing food/drinks seems rude since it helps offset the costs. I hope that doesn't seem weird lol

[Nishi621]

You invite someone to a party-you pay. You invite someone to your house for dinner, you serve dinner, you don't ask them to bring dinner.

[ShimmaPuff]

^^^ There is nothing wrong with having a "Stone Soup" or "potluck" dinner, where everyone brings a dish - and/or a beverage. In fact, that can be a great solution for people who want to throw a party for themselves or someone else, but don't have much money!

If I had to choose one favorite flavor of party, the potluck dinner would be it! In our hood, they are especially fun because you basically get the whole world in food spread on a table before you.

According to legend, the Moo-Shoo Injera Burrito with Jalapeno Kim-Chi & Hot Lime Pickle was first discovered in the course of a potluck dinner!

[Kansashalo]

Originally Posted by IntlSet

I am curious to hear your thoughts on this subject.

Example: Birthday-Boy rents out a bar. Asks everyone for $25 in order to come for all-you-can-drink beer. The $25 is meant to cover the liquor and the bar rental.

My mother always told me that when you entertain guests, you assume all costs. But maybe that's old-fashioned etiquette. I admit my mother is rather extreme... Example: she invited my boyfriend to an event in Beijing this August, during the Olympics, and when he accepted, she promptly purchased a plane ticket for him. She doesn't believe a guest should assume any costs associated with an event to which he is invited. I've always had the same line of thought, but maybe this has fallen out of style.

Definitely agree with mom here in this situation. Since he is renting out the entire bar to celebrate his birthday, then he should pick up the tab and not ask people to come and pay $25. I also feel the same way about a bar for wedding receptions too (should not be cash bar in this case).

If this was an instance of "hey guys, let's all go out to Fat Tuesday's to celebrate my b-day", then he wouldn't be responsible to pay for the drinks of his guest (in fact, his guest would probably pay for all of his since it is his b-day ). Also, this way would allow for those that may not want to drink (or as much) to still come and celebrate his b-day too!