Passionless relationship

chanelbaby · Feb 18th, 2008, 08:16 AM

My relationship with my boyfriend seems to have changed really dramatically, I love him so much but there's no fun in the bedroom anymore. He has also taken to putting me down.

I have been crying alot when I am alone, I thought I had it all before.

I just want to give up and just dissappear, even wishing when I get back overseas, serving, I would die, then no one will have to worry about how I feel ever again.

I think I am depressed, not sure what to do.

helium · Feb 18th, 2008, 08:42 AM

It's time to leave the relationship. I don't really care for background story right now... I don't think you or I need it. Relationships are meant to be fulfilling, not like this. Time to pack up and say bye bye.

Plus he puts you down. That's reason enough.

Edit: I realised that wasn't very helpful. While what I wrote above is what I strongly recommend, if you're that adamant on salvaging your relationship (like so many women seem to be about doomed relationships... sigh), then read on.

First step is to ask yourself what caused the dramatic change, and have a talk with him. Then report back and we'll give further advice.

shockboogie · Feb 18th, 2008, 09:26 AM

I know this is a hard situation to be in but you have to realize that this relationship isn't healthy for you anymore and that you have to move on.

You deserve better:)

IntlSet · Feb 18th, 2008, 10:11 AM

If you're crying a lot when alone, wishing you would die, etc., something more may be wrong than just your relationship with your boyfriend. It really sounds like you're depressed and should seek some help.

Have you told your boyfriend you feel this way? Any sane human being, boyfriend or not, would be really concerned about a person close to them who felt suicidal.

Cristina · Feb 18th, 2008, 10:14 AM

I view things this way - if the person you're with is making your life more difficult, rather than easier, it's time to boot his behind out the door. I don't stand for being put down by anyone, much less someone who supposedly loves me.

I also agree with IntlSet. It may not be just your relationship, but it does sound as if you may be depressed. You should schedule an appointment with a counselor or therapist and let it all out. Talking to someone really can help.

restricter · Feb 18th, 2008, 12:32 PM

Cristina is right. A SO should add to your happiness, not make you feel badly about yourself.

His criticism might be because he's met someone else and you're not her. Sorry to be so blunt, but this is such a typical male behavior.

Stop crying and look in the mirror. If you're still everything he liked in the first place, then it's not you, it's him. Get rid of him.

Kimm992 · Feb 18th, 2008, 12:34 PM

NOBODY has the right to put you down - especially someone who is supposed to be loving and supportive toward you.

Ditch this guy...he's not worth it!!

Sternchen · Feb 18th, 2008, 12:39 PM

Man, some of you are pretty harsh, telling her to leave him just because he puts her down. Relationships need work and are never going to be roses, daisies, rainbows and sunshine all the time. There's obviously something going on mentally with the OP, whether it be that she is depressed, not feeling sexy for some reason, whatever...

I think you need to elaborate more on what you wrote. You says he puts you down...In what context? What does he say to you? What do you say to him?

Sex isn't fun anymore?? Have you tried to make it fun? Have you tried going to a couples counselor with your boyfriend? If not, I'd definitely suggest it. Also, I'd suggest getting counseling for yourself too since you don't seem to be well. From what I took out of your post, you must be serving in the military in either Iraq or Afghanistan...That would be enough reason right there to get counseling (in addition to that that you are more than likely already receiving).

Take care of yourself. Go see somebody and talk about this...Talking about it on the internet is more than likely not going to help your situation get any better. Nobody can diagnose you with depression over the internet. Go see someone, have a chat, find a plan, and then work from there.

Kimm992 · Feb 18th, 2008, 12:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lamiastella

Man, some of you are pretty harsh, telling her to leave him just because he puts her down. Relationships need work and are never going to be roses, daisies, rainbows and sunshine all the time. There's obviously something going on mentally with the OP, whether it be that she is depressed, not feeling sexy for some reason, whatever...

I think you need to elaborate more on what you wrote. You says he puts you down...In what context? What does he say to you? What do you say to him?

Sex isn't fun anymore?? Have you tried to make it fun? Have you tried going to a couples counselor with your boyfriend? If not, I'd definitely suggest it. Also, I'd suggest getting counseling for yourself too since you don't seem to be well. From what I took out of your post, you must be serving in the military in either Iraq or Afghanistan...That would be enough reason right there to get counseling (in addition to that that you are more than likely already receiving).

Take care of yourself. Go see somebody and talk about this...Talking about it on the internet is more than likely not going to help your situation get any better. Nobody can diagnose you with depression over the internet. Go see someone, have a chat, find a plan, and then work from there.

I agree about the counseling!!

That said, there is NEVER an excuse for your BF to put you down!! I have been with my DF for almost 6 years and he has never once put me down or called me a name - it just isn't acceptable no matter what the situation...and she shouldn't have to put up with it.

IntlSet · Feb 18th, 2008, 12:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lamiastella

Man, some of you are pretty harsh, telling her to leave him just because he puts her down. Relationships need work and are never going to be roses, daisies, rainbows and sunshine all the time. There's obviously something going on mentally with the OP, whether it be that she is depressed, not feeling sexy for some reason, whatever...

I think you need to elaborate more on what you wrote. You says he puts you down...In what context? What does he say to you? What do you say to him?

Sex isn't fun anymore?? Have you tried to make it fun? Have you tried going to a couples counselor with your boyfriend? If not, I'd definitely suggest it. Also, I'd suggest getting counseling for yourself too since you don't seem to be well. From what I took out of your post, you must be serving in the military in either Iraq or Afghanistan...That would be enough reason right there to get counseling (in addition to that that you are more than likely already receiving).

Take care of yourself. Go see somebody and talk about this...Talking about it on the internet is more than likely not going to help your situation get any better. Nobody can diagnose you with depression over the internet. Go see someone, have a chat, find a plan, and then work from there.

I agree. The OP could be extra sensitive to what she considers "put downs" because she's already depressed. Honestly, a person in perfectly good mental health would not be crying all day or thinking about dying no matter how mean her boyfriend is to her.

chanelbaby, I always enjoy your posts and I'm concerned about you. Please seek some help. Tell your doctor or someone close to you that you're feeling really, really low. You shouldn't have to live with this much unhappiness.

Frances Bean · Feb 18th, 2008, 01:45 PM

I've been in your position, with an emotionally abusive SOB. You need to forget this guy and surround yourself with positive loving people. The longer you stay in this relationship and try to fix things (and believe me, you won't be able to) more of yourself will be lost and it will be harder for you to get back on track when things end (and they will). You will only have regrests so get out, and get out fast.

When I was in that horrible relationship he isolated me from my friends, I was depressed all of the time, my grades were slipping and I wasn't focusing on what I should have been. It took me a while to get better and now that I am, I only blame myself because scumbag though he was, I knew it and no one put a gun to my head to stay with him. It is time I will never get back. There are tons of men out there. The relationship you have is not what being in a relationship is supposed to be like. You deserve to be happy and enjoy your life.

I know this is probably in vain because so many people gave me the same advice and it was in one ear and out the other. If you are feeling depressed you should not be in a relationship whether the guy is a terd or amazing. YOU NEED TO GET BETTER.

Pursegrrl · Feb 18th, 2008, 02:06 PM

How long have you been in this relationship? Can you talk to him about why he suddenly isn't passionate anymore? Hate to say it, but often times guys will start acting like total a-holes when they want to get out of a relationship (no matter the reason) so WE as women get to be the 'bad guys' and dump them. Cowardly.

ITA to get counseling. Relationships are work and both parties need to be willing to work on it. Putting you down? No reason for anyone to belittle you....especially your BF!! Perhaps you could try counseling as a couple. If he's not willing to do that then you REALLY have your answer. Nevertheless, take care of YOU. You don't deserve this!!

cammy1 · Feb 18th, 2008, 03:59 PM

Chanelbaby, I read a post of yours a while ago and in it you were saying you were going to sell ur Chanels to fund ur wedding dress-so I assumed that you were happy. I dont know the whole of ur situation as to why he is making u feel so low, what is it that he is saying or doing to make u feel soo bad? You have to decide what you want; u can work at ur relationship all you want, but if he wont change there is no point in staying in that relationship if you are feeling depressed. If you think it would be better to be dead, you seem really depressed and I would suggest counciling. I have felt upset and depressed, but I have my son, friends and family to live for and I will never let a man make me feel suicidal.

azhangie · Feb 18th, 2008, 04:10 PM

I had an ex that used to make fun of me...he thought it was funny. But he didnt realise that it was only funny to HIM. It wanst like terribly rude comments...but more like "oh ure such a fat pig" or "Ure big and round!".."u have so many pimples! geez! go to the doctors!". He thought he was being funny and meant it only has a joke...some guys just live in thier own little demented world.

cosmogrl5 · Feb 18th, 2008, 04:20 PM

I was in a relationship like this for 6 years. I finally reached a point where I could not take it anymore. I was sick of crying, sick of going to a therapist over it, and eventually I grew sick and tired of dealing with him. It was SO hard to leave, but I never looked back and know it was the best thing for me. I deserved better and YOU deserve better.

Feb 18th, 2008, 08:16 AM	#1
chanelbaby Member Location: Alabama and London	Passionless relationship My relationship with my boyfriend seems to have changed really dramatically, I love him so much but there's no fun in the bedroom anymore. He has also taken to putting me down. I have been crying alot when I am alone, I thought I had it all before. I just want to give up and just dissappear, even wishing when I get back overseas, serving, I would die, then no one will have to worry about how I feel ever again. I think I am depressed, not sure what to do. __________________ My 11 babies: 92? black vintage lambskin jumbo 02 Pink Olsen 05 Pink Valentine Chain 05 Red Valentine Chain 05 black lambskin mini classic 06 M White/Black Cambon Tote 06 Denim Cabas 06 Fabric patchwork flap 07 Perforated Union Jack flap 07 Dark Grey EW MC 07 Red EW with bijou chain

Feb 18th, 2008, 08:42 AM	#2
helium Member	Re: Passionless relationship It's time to leave the relationship. I don't really care for background story right now... I don't think you or I need it. Relationships are meant to be fulfilling, not like this. Time to pack up and say bye bye. Plus he puts you down. That's reason enough. Edit: I realised that wasn't very helpful. While what I wrote above is what I strongly recommend, if you're that adamant on salvaging your relationship (like so many women seem to be about doomed relationships... sigh), then read on. First step is to ask yourself what caused the dramatic change, and have a talk with him. Then report back and we'll give further advice.

Feb 18th, 2008, 09:26 AM	#3
shockboogie Member Location: Manila/Michigan	Re: Passionless relationship I know this is a hard situation to be in but you have to realize that this relationship isn't healthy for you anymore and that you have to move on. You deserve better:) __________________ Are you ready to Shockboogie? ...obsessed with shoes and becoming the next Imelda Marcos

Feb 18th, 2008, 10:11 AM	#4
IntlSet Bonjour! Location: Chicago	Re: Passionless relationship If you're crying a lot when alone, wishing you would die, etc., something more may be wrong than just your relationship with your boyfriend. It really sounds like you're depressed and should seek some help. Have you told your boyfriend you feel this way? Any sane human being, boyfriend or not, would be really concerned about a person close to them who felt suicidal. __________________ www.drinkmorechampagne.com

Feb 18th, 2008, 10:14 AM	#5
Cristina Location: South Florida	Re: Passionless relationship I view things this way - if the person you're with is making your life more difficult, rather than easier, it's time to boot his behind out the door. I don't stand for being put down by anyone, much less someone who supposedly loves me. I also agree with IntlSet. It may not be just your relationship, but it does sound as if you may be depressed. You should schedule an appointment with a counselor or therapist and let it all out. Talking to someone really can help. __________________ and it's called i'll be getting by and i'll make ends meet does the forty hour week have you bent at the knees? and you can't even see that everything's kept just out of reach my american dream is to have it a little bit better than my parents ever had it - less than jake

Feb 18th, 2008, 12:32 PM	#6
restricter Meowy Chrisssmasss	Re: Passionless relationship Cristina is right. A SO should add to your happiness, not make you feel badly about yourself. His criticism might be because he's met someone else and you're not her. Sorry to be so blunt, but this is such a typical male behavior. Stop crying and look in the mirror. If you're still everything he liked in the first place, then it's not you, it's him. Get rid of him. __________________ And in case that's not completely clear...

Feb 18th, 2008, 12:34 PM	#7
Kimm992 Member Location: Toronto, Canada	Re: Passionless relationship NOBODY has the right to put you down - especially someone who is supposed to be loving and supportive toward you. Ditch this guy...he's not worth it!! __________________ ~Kimmy~

Feb 18th, 2008, 12:39 PM	#8
Sternchen We're having a boy!! Location: Beauty RAOK	Re: Passionless relationship Man, some of you are pretty harsh, telling her to leave him just because he puts her down. Relationships need work and are never going to be roses, daisies, rainbows and sunshine all the time. There's obviously something going on mentally with the OP, whether it be that she is depressed, not feeling sexy for some reason, whatever... I think you need to elaborate more on what you wrote. You says he puts you down...In what context? What does he say to you? What do you say to him? Sex isn't fun anymore?? Have you tried to make it fun? Have you tried going to a couples counselor with your boyfriend? If not, I'd definitely suggest it. Also, I'd suggest getting counseling for yourself too since you don't seem to be well. From what I took out of your post, you must be serving in the military in either Iraq or Afghanistan...That would be enough reason right there to get counseling (in addition to that that you are more than likely already receiving). Take care of yourself. Go see somebody and talk about this...Talking about it on the internet is more than likely not going to help your situation get any better. Nobody can diagnose you with depression over the internet. Go see someone, have a chat, find a plan, and then work from there. __________________ My 2 wonderful girls, Nicole (5) and Julia (1) will be big sisters soon! My pregnancy blog

Feb 18th, 2008, 01:45 PM	#11
Frances Bean Member	Re: Passionless relationship I've been in your position, with an emotionally abusive SOB. You need to forget this guy and surround yourself with positive loving people. The longer you stay in this relationship and try to fix things (and believe me, you won't be able to) more of yourself will be lost and it will be harder for you to get back on track when things end (and they will). You will only have regrests so get out, and get out fast. When I was in that horrible relationship he isolated me from my friends, I was depressed all of the time, my grades were slipping and I wasn't focusing on what I should have been. It took me a while to get better and now that I am, I only blame myself because scumbag though he was, I knew it and no one put a gun to my head to stay with him. It is time I will never get back. There are tons of men out there. The relationship you have is not what being in a relationship is supposed to be like. You deserve to be happy and enjoy your life. I know this is probably in vain because so many people gave me the same advice and it was in one ear and out the other. If you are feeling depressed you should not be in a relationship whether the guy is a terd or amazing. YOU NEED TO GET BETTER.

Feb 18th, 2008, 02:06 PM	#12
Pursegrrl Oh! That Joe! Location: Seattle	Re: Passionless relationship How long have you been in this relationship? Can you talk to him about why he suddenly isn't passionate anymore? Hate to say it, but often times guys will start acting like total a-holes when they want to get out of a relationship (no matter the reason) so WE as women get to be the 'bad guys' and dump them. Cowardly. ITA to get counseling. Relationships are work and both parties need to be willing to work on it. Putting you down? No reason for anyone to belittle you....especially your BF!! Perhaps you could try counseling as a couple. If he's not willing to do that then you REALLY have your answer. Nevertheless, take care of YOU. You don't deserve this!! __________________

Feb 18th, 2008, 03:59 PM	#13
cammy1 Member	Re: Passionless relationship Chanelbaby, I read a post of yours a while ago and in it you were saying you were going to sell ur Chanels to fund ur wedding dress-so I assumed that you were happy. I dont know the whole of ur situation as to why he is making u feel so low, what is it that he is saying or doing to make u feel soo bad? You have to decide what you want; u can work at ur relationship all you want, but if he wont change there is no point in staying in that relationship if you are feeling depressed. If you think it would be better to be dead, you seem really depressed and I would suggest counciling. I have felt upset and depressed, but I have my son, friends and family to live for and I will never let a man make me feel suicidal.

Feb 18th, 2008, 04:10 PM	#14
azhangie Piggy Fajita Location: I see cows and hills	Re: Passionless relationship I had an ex that used to make fun of me...he thought it was funny. But he didnt realise that it was only funny to HIM. It wanst like terribly rude comments...but more like "oh ure such a fat pig" or "Ure big and round!".."u have so many pimples! geez! go to the doctors!". He thought he was being funny and meant it only has a joke...some guys just live in thier own little demented world. __________________ coffee addiction

Feb 18th, 2008, 04:20 PM	#15
cosmogrl5 Member	Re: Passionless relationship I was in a relationship like this for 6 years. I finally reached a point where I could not take it anymore. I was sick of crying, sick of going to a therapist over it, and eventually I grew sick and tired of dealing with him. It was SO hard to leave, but I never looked back and know it was the best thing for me. I deserved better and YOU deserve better. __________________