Parents getting a divorce

[basicandorganic]

Hi. I'm almost 16 years old. I'm a high school student at a private school and I'm usually incredibly stressed because I work very, very, very hard to achieve good grades. Some people might say too much... but really, I feel a lot of pressure on me to do my best, even though 'my best' isn't always good enough.
My parents have been fighting over this issue for a bit over a year now. My mom works almost 20 hours a day, 7 days a week. She's a real estate, and she takes a lot of things in her clients lives seriously, and cares a lot for them. It can be stressful, because they're usually crying and whining and all these things. Recently, her mum has been sick with cancer and will die very soon. Also, a good friend of hers has gotten cancer as well. She cries nearly every day. I try to do my best to calm her down, but I know that the best I can do is just be with her and do my best in school (she cares a lot about that kind of stuff... the dif. between an 80 and 90 is VERY important to her). So, yeah, she goes to bed at 2 am every night and wakes up at 7 am in the morning and starts her day...
We live in a big house, etc. My mom, she is not as young as she used to be (shes almost 50) and our house is quite a bit bigger.
On top of doing the dishes, laundry, taking care of me, cooking, and WORKING, my father expects her to clean the house (wash the floors, vacuum everything, clean the stairs, that kind of stuff) It takes her 2 days to clean the first floor (thats not including work.... she has to take a day off just to half the first floor) its hard, it makes her tired, im worried about her health... everything. its even dangerous, since its so hard for her to get the vacuum up and down the stairs like, 100 times a day. she breaks her nails all the time and has to get them redone almost 2 times a week (ridiculous)
My mom wants to get a cleaning lady to help her with cleaning the floors, stairs, dusting... that kind of stuff. At least once every one or two weeks.
My dad has said NO. He has the old fashion view on things, and says "my wife will clean my house"............................................ .........
My mom makes enough money to hire 20 cleaning ladies... its her money. she makes at least 5 times more than my dad, and she's spoiled him completely. it's like HE is in control of her finances. me and all of her friends have told her that she should just call the maid when he's at work (7-4)... but why should she do this and hide it from him!? its her money, its not like she's stolen the money. basically, her finances and the money SHE makes is in a joint account and controlled by him.... but his money is in a seperate account that she cant access and no matter how hard she has tried to be a part of that account he finds sneaky ways around it (like adding her in, but not having paperwork sent every month or w/e)... this is a problem because he sends money to his daughters in russia.... who probably have just triple of what we have. both of them have wealthy husbands and homes in aruba, and drive ferraris and everything... and he sends there, nearly basically his 50% of his salary there (his mum, my grandma, is the main motivator of this).... and he's living off my mums... so my mum put a stop to this... and he said he stopped... but she doesnt know how to trust him because she never sees where his salary is going......

basically... she is very pissed off that he does not respect her and her health or anything... she has BEGGED him to open seperate accounts for the both of them so they can equally pay the bills and then use the rest of their disposable income for other things, but basically he just says "it eather stays the way it is... or i am divorcing you"

and i dont know what to do. i dont think he's being fair.... its a necessity at this point because we live in absolute MESS. and its not like shes drinking the money away or has an expensive hobbies.... its not like that at alll.... my dad DOES have expensive hobbies, like fishing and hunting and all this wilderness merchandise. he doesn't help around the house at all though, and he just comes home and relaxes.... my mum never relaxes. at all. she feels degreded and hurt. its ridiculous... usually i am on my fathers side... but now i feel very sorry for my mom.... its ridiculous. she tells me she feels like he's "kicking her into her grave".... :(
i dont know what to do. i dont know what is going to happen im very nervous and scared and school is stressful enough as it is and i have to focus on stupid stuff like overachieving and now THIS.

:( i dont know, sorry that this is long

[Immi]

I am really sorry you and your mother are in this position. Perhaps you could try to help your mother with things around the house when you have a moment, she will appreciate it. Something similar happened to my mother when I was your age but I don't want to go into details, I was there when she cracked and it was heartbreaking. Be there for your mother because she probably needs a lot of emotional support. I know it's difficult when school is demanding. Perhaps you could ask your dad about getting a cleaning lady, try to persuade him.

I believe and hope this situation will improve in some way. A divorce might be a good thing if your father is making your mother live in a way that makes her miserable, even though it would involve a lot of upheaval. Again sorry you're going through this. I remember being in a similar situation to yours and my grades did suffer but it didn't stop me from achieving highly afterwards and getting where I wanted to be in the end. It was completely stressful though. Remember that if you're determined enough you can achieve your goals, you can get through the hardships. Make sure you talk to friends about this and maybe a staff member at school if you're having trouble coping. Don't bottle it up or push people away, they can help.

[ProfNot]

^ I agree. Divorce sounds like the answer. You both will be well rid of him. He is a drain on the family. What a jerk.

[turboflgrl]

I think divorce is definitely the answer but before she files anything, she needs to speak with an attorney about her rights and making sure that he doesn't take her for all she's worth since it sounds like that is exactly what he's planning to do.

I'm so sorry you've been dragged in the middle of this. It's so unfair to do that to your own children

[juneping]

i am never an advocate for divorce but this case....i'd have gotten the divorce. i am just worried if you dad is going to take a big chunk of money from your mom. but in any case...you mom is better off without him. he sounds horrible.

[petitechouchou]

I'm so sorry that your mum and you are going thru this. I hope things will work out for you guys. Good luck and hang in there

[Sternchen]

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I am 24 years old and my parents separated 4 years ago and my mother mentioned filing for divorce recently. I still have problems dealing with this and the fact that my parents will no longer be married to eachother - even if they do live on two different continents. To be honest...I would stay out of the situation as much as you can. Your mother is a smart woman and more than likely knows what to do.

Have the two of them tried counseling together? I am a big believer in counseling - even if a relationship seems to be going just fine.