On the Verge of Divorce..PORN?!?!

[LVLover]

I'm so embarressed to be posting this but I need advice. I have no CLUE what to do or what to say. I've done a search for porn and have read the threads however none address my situation. My husband and I have been together 7 years, married 5. We were in a long distance relationship for 4 years. So I was aware that on occaision he would look at porn (he is a man and there would be times when we were weeks apart). I was okay with it. About 3.5 years ago my husband started working with his uncle who is very religious. He made my husband feel ashamed of looking at porn. To put this in perspective, he made my husband feel like he was going to h*ll for lusting and that he was been unfaithful to me. Okay, we are christian's and this is probably true, however at the time I was not concerned, nor threatened by him viewing porn. He explained his uncle's views to me and HE decided that he wanted to be a better christian and give it up. I supported him. The past 1.5-2 years we have really been struggling with our intimacy both physical and emotional. In the past 2 years we've been physical 2 times. The second time was about six months ago and ended with me in tears (this is how bad it was). Last night he was angry with me for buying something and I explained to him that I bought the shoes because I needed a pick me up. After an hour of him making me feel like crap, he says he guess he can relate because this is how he views porn. It was like I was sucker punched. Here I've been thinking for the past 2 years that are intimacy problems are from other reasons (stress, exhaustion -both of us are workaholics, my weight gain...). He says porn is why we have not been intimate. I'm pretty laid back and if he would have told me 2 years ago that he was looking I would have been like-the less I know the better-but now I'm freakin' pissed and hurt because for 2 years I've been so depressed and sad in our realtionship and it's all because he's looking at porn and is feeling guilty about it. We actually talked about divorcing last weekend and decided we wanted to try but I'm so hurt right now I don't even know what to say to him or what actions to take. It's like I'm numb.

I hope that I've explained this clear enough. Please feel free to ask questions if you need clarificaiton....

Any Advice?

[juneping]

can you explain why only 2 times of intimacy for the past 2 years? b/c of porn?? u meant he rather look at porn than actual sex?? sorry...i couldn't figure out that part...

[Charles]

I'm thinking this might be a bit deeper than just him looking at porn.

If was living apart from my wife and even if I watched porn daily, I'd still want to make love to her when I/she visited.

[spoiled_brat]

Did he explain his thought process behind "porn is why we have not been intimate"? I would think viewing porn and pleasuring himself (probably) does not replace having actual sex... no?

[domlee]

I'm w/ Charles on this one. There are far deeper problems than "just" porn/intimacy. Porn is just the scapegoat...

Have you two grown apart in general? Any career changes? Etc.?

[twinkle.tink]

I agree, something deeper has to be going on. Maybe the guilt he feels for watching the porn?

[illinirdhd]

I agree with Charles. Sounds like this may be more an issue of depression (and probably guilt about the porn thing) than it is about the porn itself.

It sounds like he may be dealing with some sort of porn addiction. You know how when you're doing something in excess (alcohol, shopping, food, etc), you start to make deals with yourself. If I only eat salads for a week, then I can ____. Or if I don't buy anything for a month, then I can buy _____. But then you get so frustrated that you've deprived yourself OR that you failed to keep up your end of the "deal", then you fall off the wagon, big time, and medicate with a pair of $1,000 shoes or a bag of Oreos! That's what addicts go through. He might be punishing himself (and withdrawing from you) because he's trying to manage this on his own, when what he really needs is professional help. The religious guilt trip probably only made him ashamed more than it "cured" him.

I think the best thing you can do for him and your marriage is to be supportive and loving enough with him to get him some help - his counseling and recovery will likely involve you too at some point, and then you'll be able to make a decision about whether or not to continue with your marriage. Also, find a counselor for yourself if you think you need it. I can't imagine what only making love twice in two years has done to your self-esteem.

[natalie78]

Agree with everyone on this. His problems are way beyond porn. Counseling appears to be in order for you guys. While his guilt probably stems from his uncle's tirades, there may be something else there.

[Love my Tanos]

I think you guys need some counseling. Perhaps your pastor could help, or could recommend a faith-based counselor if you feel one coming from a Christian perspective would be more helpful than a regular marriage counselor. I think there are probably a lot of issues going on here than just him looking at porn. Intimacy is a normal and healthy part of marriage and if that's missing from your relationship, it speaks to bigger problems...I don't especially care for him "making you feel like crap" for an hour over a pair of shoes. It sounds like he is keeping a lot of things from you (and maybe you from him) and a good counselor can either help you get your marriage back on track, or help you both decide to let go.

Either way I do not think you're out of line in being as hurt as you are. I would be too. Two years of walking on eggshells is a long time and causes a lot of damage. I know it sounds very trite but going for a walk and improving your physical health does tend to improve one's self-esteem and that could help the overall situation, so regaining your health/physical fitness could be one way that's under your control to improve "you," which could improve the "us" in the equation. I don't mean to be insulting at all...I got over a bad breakup by staying busy and one way was spending a free hour at the gym. Works to keep your mind busy and the endorphin rush definitely helped develop a more positive outlook even in a truly crappy situation. :)

[Hessefan]

Originally Posted by LVLover

I'm so embarressed to be posting this but I need advice. I have no CLUE what to do or what to say. I've done a search for porn and have read the threads however none address my situation. My husband and I have been together 7 years, married 5. We were in a long distance relationship for 4 years. So I was aware that on occaision he would look at porn (he is a man and there would be times when we were weeks apart). I was okay with it. About 3.5 years ago my husband started working with his uncle who is very religious. He made my husband feel ashamed of looking at porn. To put this in perspective, he made my husband feel like he was going to h*ll for lusting and that he was been unfaithful to me. Okay, we are christian's and this is probably true, however at the time I was not concerned, nor threatened by him viewing porn. He explained his uncle's views to me and HE decided that he wanted to be a better christian and give it up. I supported him. The past 1.5-2 years we have really been struggling with our intimacy both physical and emotional. In the past 2 years we've been physical 2 times. The second time was about six months ago and ended with me in tears (this is how bad it was). Last night he was angry with me for buying something and I explained to him that I bought the shoes because I needed a pick me up. After an hour of him making me feel like crap, he says he guess he can relate because this is how he views porn. It was like I was sucker punched. Here I've been thinking for the past 2 years that are intimacy problems are from other reasons (stress, exhaustion -both of us are workaholics, my weight gain...). He says porn is why we have not been intimate. I'm pretty laid back and if he would have told me 2 years ago that he was looking I would have been like-the less I know the better-but now I'm freakin' pissed and hurt because for 2 years I've been so depressed and sad in our realtionship and it's all because he's looking at porn and is feeling guilty about it. We actually talked about divorcing last weekend and decided we wanted to try but I'm so hurt right now I don't even know what to say to him or what actions to take. It's like I'm numb. I hope that I've explained this clear enough. Please feel free to ask questions if you need clarificaiton.... Any Advice?

Could you just clarify a few things, for example which of the 7 years you have been long distance? Is it currently or was it when you first met, so you now live together? And I know it is quite personal, but why was the love-making so upsetting that you were in tears? Was it because it happened only twice in two years or for another reason? Also, it depends on who initiates it usually, whether one of you felt pushed away or one is shy or whether one of you isn't as attracted to the other etc.
How exactlt have the emotionl intimacy problems manifested themselves and did you ever talk about it?
Lastly, did he say it was because he has been watching so much porn or because he feels like bad person for watching it, therefore feels ashamed to be intimate with you?

[Nishi621]

Originally Posted by domlee

I'm w/ Charles on this one. There are far deeper problems than "just" porn/intimacy. Porn is just the scapegoat... Have you two grown apart in general? Any career changes? Etc.?

yeah, it's not just the porn, plenty of men look at porn and still have very healthy sex lives with their wives.

2 times in 2 years is a very samll amount, there has to be more to it.

[ilovepinkhearts]

ok...i have been in your shoes and it's not fun. there is something else going on with him. he sounds like a sex addict, please dont take that term as an attack on him or you. there is something very wrong and it's deep rooted. you have to sit down and talk about and get it all out in the open. he may need to seek help, he may need SAA, you 2 need counseling as a couple. but for him to live in a fantasy world for that long and not want to be intimate with his wife...that is a huge indication of an addiction.

[boxermom]

Some very compassionate advice here. I am deeply sorry you are experiencing this.

What Love My Tanos suggested about faith-based therapy is an excellent path to explore. If both of you can fully and honestly (so often I don't want to admit something because of old shame issues) commit to counseling, I'll bet you will see a much improved relationship.

Best wishes.

[domlee]

I just thought I'd say that while the porn is seemingly the focus of the blame, it may not be the issue. He may not be a sex addict as suggested in this thread.

I'm suggesting that there seems to be far deeper issues w/ the relationship itself. Not just him watching porn and/or lack of interest.

The first post in this thread lacks detail/history. We know nothing of the (obvious) complexities in your relationship. You guys were in a long distance relationship for quite some time and are now married. And we know he used to watch porn. And that you've been intimate perhaps twice in 2 years. You mentioned only a bit about being workaholics and weight gain. But again...we still don't know anything about the situation.

We don't know anything about him, short of him watching porn and getting a stern talking to by a relative.
We don't know anything about you, short of a brief snippet that said weight gain.
And that you are both workaholics.

I'm not siding w/ you or him. I refuse to call him a sex addict w/o knowing more detail. There is far more to this story that what is posted thus far. I'm not expecting a plethora of info. I'm just saying that there are far too many holes to come to any conclusion.

Example...you haven't mentioned if you tried initiating sex w/ him. You haven't mentioned if you've done things like wear lingerie or if he sent you flowers or just said you were beautiful. We truly know nothing. (I'm saying all this to be fair to both sides)

[ilovepinkhearts]

^^ i didn't say he was a sex addict :) i stated that he sounded like a sex addict. i am married to one, i know the signs and i know the symptoms [at least for my husband] and her husband seems to have a lot in common with mine, sadly.

OP please talk with him...communication is the key to everything, there is something definitely going on and it's not heading in a good direction. and if you would like to talk with me please feel free to PM me. my husband has now been sober for over 9mths and our marriage is better than ever.