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Love my Tanos · Oct 31st, 2009, 12:06 PM

I'm glad you guys have spent the last few days talking - definitely a step in the right direction! It sounds like all these problems stem from the two of you trying to handle the relationship's problems individually, instead of as a team, which keeps you both inside your own heads and leaves you totally blind as to what the other is thinking and feeling. The love is still there, and the desire to make things better is still there, and that's great news. I think your husband in particular could benefit from individual counseling to help him let go of whatever his issues with guilt and intimacy are. It sounds like he's just taken things to an extreme and that isn't healthy, esp when he could see how much damage it was causing his wife and marriage.

Porn's not the problem here IMO, it sounds like he has some deep-rooted issues with shame and what being a "man" means, and perhaps the added pressure of what it means to be a good Christian man. I hope you guys find a good counselor soon. He sounds like he's putting himself through torment unnecessarily. Good luck to you both!!

sillykitty · Oct 31st, 2009, 01:07 PM

I'm glad you guys talked and got to the bottom of this. I think it's important he gets individual therapy in addition to couples therapy. He has issues to work through himself is he experiences such guilt over looking at porn, or the desire to look at porn that he goes wo sex w his wife.

juneping · Nov 2nd, 2009, 12:04 AM

oh..i am happy for you.

i am christian myself....i don't practice it as the way i should be. i just think sometimes life is too hard...if i am not hurting anyone, i would like to cut myself some slack. i don't know what is the righteous way to live my life...but sometimes i just want to live a happier life...life is too hard.
i remember my pastor mentioned we as human, we are just broken in one way or another. we are not jesus and we are just not capable to have pure thoughts. just don't indulge in whatever you think it's wrong....find the balance. god is about love and forgiveness not pointing fingers or trying to drive us insane.
GL with counseling!!

BagLadie · Nov 2nd, 2009, 08:21 AM

Originally Posted by ilovepinkhearts

^^no, being selfish on occasion is a good thing, everyone needs 'me time' be it that or anything else. being selfish all the time is another. and when it's lied about and hidden it's because the person is ashamed of what they are doing.

I agree 100%. I think viewing it together is a great thing. I also believe that there is a stigma attached to watching porn and it's embarrassing for anyone to admit they watch it. I do think it's normal and ok though for a guy to watch it on his own - lying about it only probably happens because of the embarrassment factor and not wanting to hurt the person they're with.
Btw, crunchy towels - that made me crack up.

Charles · Nov 2nd, 2009, 09:57 AM

I think there are a few things here. First, as a Christian, he should know that God understands we're fallible. We sin and we make mistakes, that's why he forgives when we recognize that and ask for forgiveness. Just like any relationship, a relationship with God shouldn't be about guilt. He fell, picked him self up, recognized his error, now it's time to move on. Don't look back, look forward.
Also, you say he's very driven and perfection oriented...if that's the case, why is he letting his relationship suffer? What's more important, the guilt over watching porn 3.5 years ago, or the effects that that guilt is having on the relationship with the woman he loves.
Finally, it's great to be driven and want success in all aspects in life, however, it seems as though he might be going overboard. Part of being happy, aside from obtaining what you're attempting to achieve, is realizing that life isn't a constant race to win a prize. You can't be happy if you're always running. He has to rest, let himself recover mentally..take time to smell the flowers, so to speak. I think he'll be much happier in the long run.
I think all of these issues should be covered during therapy, so good luck.

ilovepinkhearts · Nov 2nd, 2009, 10:41 AM

Originally Posted by Charles

life isn't a constant race to win a prize. You can't be happy if you're always running. He has to rest, let himself recover mentally..take time to smell the flowers, so to speak. I think he'll be much happier in the long run.

ITA!!

trying to be perfect nonstop will be tiring and wear him down. i wish you guys all the best and much healing!!

bagnshoofetish · Nov 2nd, 2009, 11:03 AM

Originally Posted by Charles

Just like any relationship, a relationship with God shouldn't be about guilt.

Oct 31st, 2009, 12:06 PM	#46
Love my Tanos Member Joined: Jul 2009 Posts: 996	I'm glad you guys have spent the last few days talking - definitely a step in the right direction! It sounds like all these problems stem from the two of you trying to handle the relationship's problems individually, instead of as a team, which keeps you both inside your own heads and leaves you totally blind as to what the other is thinking and feeling. The love is still there, and the desire to make things better is still there, and that's great news. I think your husband in particular could benefit from individual counseling to help him let go of whatever his issues with guilt and intimacy are. It sounds like he's just taken things to an extreme and that isn't healthy, esp when he could see how much damage it was causing his wife and marriage. Porn's not the problem here IMO, it sounds like he has some deep-rooted issues with shame and what being a "man" means, and perhaps the added pressure of what it means to be a good Christian man. I hope you guys find a good counselor soon. He sounds like he's putting himself through torment unnecessarily. Good luck to you both!!
Love my Tanos Member Joined: Jul 2009 Posts: 996

Nov 2nd, 2009, 12:04 AM	#48
juneping couch potato-ing Joined: Jun 2007 Location: NYC Posts: 4,314	oh..i am happy for you. i am christian myself....i don't practice it as the way i should be. i just think sometimes life is too hard...if i am not hurting anyone, i would like to cut myself some slack. i don't know what is the righteous way to live my life...but sometimes i just want to live a happier life...life is too hard. i remember my pastor mentioned we as human, we are just broken in one way or another. we are not jesus and we are just not capable to have pure thoughts. just don't indulge in whatever you think it's wrong....find the balance. god is about love and forgiveness not pointing fingers or trying to drive us insane. GL with counseling!!
	__________________ wish list: purse ban until the cc is paid off $10200 paid off...$3300 to go .....oh..i can't wait... Last edited by juneping; Nov 2nd, 2009 at 12:11 AM.

Nov 2nd, 2009, 09:57 AM	#50
Charles Sucks at budgeting Joined: Jan 2007 Location: Jacksonville, Fl Posts: 6,182	I think there are a few things here. First, as a Christian, he should know that God understands we're fallible. We sin and we make mistakes, that's why he forgives when we recognize that and ask for forgiveness. Just like any relationship, a relationship with God shouldn't be about guilt. He fell, picked him self up, recognized his error, now it's time to move on. Don't look back, look forward. Also, you say he's very driven and perfection oriented...if that's the case, why is he letting his relationship suffer? What's more important, the guilt over watching porn 3.5 years ago, or the effects that that guilt is having on the relationship with the woman he loves. Finally, it's great to be driven and want success in all aspects in life, however, it seems as though he might be going overboard. Part of being happy, aside from obtaining what you're attempting to achieve, is realizing that life isn't a constant race to win a prize. You can't be happy if you're always running. He has to rest, let himself recover mentally..take time to smell the flowers, so to speak. I think he'll be much happier in the long run. I think all of these issues should be covered during therapy, so good luck.
	__________________

Oct 31st, 2009, 01:07 PM	#47
sillykitty Member Joined: Jun 2009 Location: SoCal Posts: 1,011	I'm glad you guys talked and got to the bottom of this. I think it's important he gets individual therapy in addition to couples therapy. He has issues to work through himself is he experiences such guilt over looking at porn, or the desire to look at porn that he goes wo sex w his wife.

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