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kristie · Oct 28th, 2009, 10:35 PM

I agree that you guys need counseling.....

I am totally confused though......is the sex life the way it is BECAUSE he is secretly watching porn all the time or because he WANTS TO and feels guilty, so therefore, does not....

Sorry, your original post was very confusing......

juneping · Oct 28th, 2009, 10:47 PM

Originally Posted by boxermom

It would depend on the therapist. I went to a Christian-based therapist for a couple years for a problem unrelated to my faith, and she never got into shame, blame or anything like that. Her level of faith content varied depending on the people seeking help. A friend of mine whose life revolves around her faith went to her and adored her--she received the spriritual content she needed to make sense of her issues. I hope that doesn't sound like gibberish.

same here. my shrink is from my church...well the counseling service is run by my church. it really makes sense to me and helps me very much. my counselor never shame me or attack or blame or judge me...she's always looking out for me. so the way the uncle talked to the husband is very immature and judgmental like every hypocritical christians out there...christian based counseling is the way to go.

Dabyachunv · Oct 29th, 2009, 01:02 AM

I am so sorry this is happening to you. Unfourtunately your the third person this week that I know this is happening to, and although I cannot fully comprehend the situation, I know what pain feels like, and I'm sorry. If you choose counseling or divorce, know that his choice to partake in porn is not a reflection of you.

Best wishes Hun.

BagLadie · Oct 29th, 2009, 07:55 AM

the fact that youve only had sex with your husband twice in two years is a problem - and should have nothing to do with the fact your husband watches porn. Most men watch porn and still have sex with their wives.

But - I can relate. I'm on the verge of separating from my husband of 14 years and we pretty much stopped having sex years ago. The last time we did I was in tears also. When the emotional connection isn't there, thats pretty much a good sign you need help. PM me if you'd like.

saccharine · Oct 29th, 2009, 09:48 AM

Hugs to you on this difficult time.

I would also suggest going to therapy to rebuild your relationship and feel connected again. You can work on recapturing the intimacy in the relationship. (I don't mean just in the physical sense.)

The therapist can help you identify solutions to your problems.

I was in a long distance relationship with my husband (pre-marriage) too and I have to say that there was a huge adjustment when we were together in the same space. It's as if we were different people and there was a period of questioning if we did the right thing. But, it was all about the transition. We worked out our issues about living together. (I mean, this is what we longed for all these years, right? We had to make it work.)

My husband is a workaholic and there was a time that I was too. I know that just that one factor affected our intimacy significantly. We had no time to just enjoy each other. We were both stressed and felt disconnected at the time when we really needed each other's companionship, support and love.

Once you know what factors contribute to the instability of your marriage, you can work to improve them. Hope you find a good therapist to help you navigate through the maze.

vhdos · Oct 29th, 2009, 10:04 AM

Lots of questions have been posted for the OP, who has been MIA. Come back and clarify!!!!

meganfm · Oct 29th, 2009, 12:44 PM

Originally Posted by vhdos

Lots of questions have been posted for the OP, who has been MIA. Come back and clarify!!!!

I was thinking the same thing myself!

It's hard to give advice when the situation is still ambiguous.

@BagLadie is right-LOTS of people's DBFs/DHs look at a lot of porn....but they also still have sex with their wives. And it seems like him saying porn is the reason you guys aren't having sex is just glossing over the real issues you two are having.

*hugs* We all hope you can get this worked out.

Love my Tanos · Oct 29th, 2009, 02:35 PM

Maybe the OP is just overwhelmed...I would be too if I were in her shoes. It sounds like there's a lot going on and maybe she & her husb are having communication problems which get in the way of actually defining what the real issues are. I feel very bad for them both bc it seems the love might still be there but there are some deep issues going on that are keeping them from connecting the right way, in a way that makes them both feel good about each other and about their relationship.

OP we're all rooting for you!

BagLadie · Oct 29th, 2009, 04:14 PM

Honestly, I keep reading here about women upset about the men in their life watching porn. It's got me to thinking about this issue and why it's so upsetting. I think most women feel threatened that theyre not as "hot" or whatever as the women these men are watching. I don't think that's why men watch it. Simply put, it's hot and men (and some women) get off on it. I don't think there are many men out there that watch it and go "gee....I really wish I could take THAT girl home to meet my mother".
If we all just could keep an open mind and not make it so taboo I think we'd all be better off. Sure we all want to be the ONLY women our men look at. But it's called being human. And being a guy.
I don't think the OP has a problem with porn - it sounds like much deeper rooted issues. I hope she comes back to clarify.

caitlin1214 · Oct 29th, 2009, 07:46 PM

So much great advice here. The only thing I'm going to add is you see whichever counselor (religous or secular) you feel the most comfortable seeing.

One question: The fact that your husband watches porn doesn't come up in a normal conversation with his uncle, so how did he find out?

ilovepinkhearts · Oct 29th, 2009, 08:06 PM

Originally Posted by BagLadie

Honestly, I keep reading here about women upset about the men in their life watching porn. It's got me to thinking about this issue and why it's so upsetting. I think most women feel threatened that theyre not as "hot" or whatever as the women these men are watching. I don't think that's why men watch it. Simply put, it's hot and men (and some women) get off on it. I don't think there are many men out there that watch it and go "gee....I really wish I could take THAT girl home to meet my mother".
If we all just could keep an open mind and not make it so taboo I think we'd all be better off. Sure we all want to be the ONLY women our men look at. But it's called being human. And being a guy.
I don't think the OP has a problem with porn - it sounds like much deeper rooted issues. I hope she comes back to clarify.

i know from my own experience, it was not so much the porn as it was the lying about it and keeping it a secret and hidden all over the house, and then me finding crunchy towels on the floor. porn is fine for those that enjoy it responsibly [only way i can think to word it], but it can't take away from those in the relationship. porn is all about fantasy and mostly selfishness [if viewed alone]. i say that because if alone and watching it the person only has to worry about pleasuring themselves. porn can be a great thing to share in a relationship, can really spice things up

but if it has to be lied about and hidden then it's not a good thing...

merika · Oct 29th, 2009, 09:50 PM

Originally Posted by ilovepinkhearts

i know from my own experience, it was not so much the porn as it was the lying about it and keeping it a secret and hidden all over the house, and then me finding crunchy towels on the floor. porn is fine for those that enjoy it responsibly [only way i can think to word it], but it can't take away from those in the relationship. porn is all about fantasy and mostly selfishness [if viewed alone]. i say that because if alone and watching it the person only has to worry about pleasuring themselves. porn can be a great thing to share in a relationship, can really spice things up

but if it has to be lied about and hidden then it's not a good thing...

But why is it lied about and hidden? Of course they'd hide it if you say "of course you can watch porn, but only if you're with me and we watch it together".

I mean, is a married person only supposed to pleasure their partner, and have themselves be pleasured by their partner and nothing else? I dunno. Sounds a bit controlling.

ilovepinkhearts · Oct 29th, 2009, 10:11 PM

^^no, being selfish on occasion is a good thing, everyone needs 'me time' be it that or anything else. being selfish all the time is another. and when it's lied about and hidden it's because the person is ashamed of what they are doing.

Zophie · Oct 30th, 2009, 03:19 PM

If you're only been together twice in the past two years I hardly see how porn could be to blame. There has to be a lot deeper issue going on. My SO watches porn and so do I and that doesn't detract from us still wanting to be with each other all the time. If he wanted to watch porn instead of be with me, that would be a problem though.

LVLover · Oct 31st, 2009, 09:24 AM

Wow, so many responses! I was not expecting all of the responses as my threads don't usually get to many, so yes I am really overwhelmed! I really was not sure what to respond because I myself was totally confused about what was going on! So it's been a few days and my husband I have talked and talked and talked. He has not been looking at porn rather than being intimate with me. He has not looked at porn in over a year. He feels very guilty for looking at it a year ago and that he sometimes wants to look at it. He has not come to me for support for a few reasons 1. he does not want to seem "weak" 2. does not want to hurt me 3. he's embarrassed. His guilt stems from his christian beliefs and what his uncle told him a long lime ago (3.5 years). He feels like because he looked a year ago he is a failure and has tried to repress all sexual desire, hence leading to our intimacy problems.

My husband is VERY disciplined and a type triple A personality. He holds himself to expectations that are impossible. Thus, when he fails he feels awful about himself. I've been through this before with him (with his career) and I didn't know it was going on with porn so I thought his unhappiness and lack of interest was my fault. So the tail spin began.

The problem initially for me was not that he was looking at porn, but the lack of communication, and the thought that he was somehow choosing porn over me (which turns out not to be the case). We are looking for a counselor and will begin asap, both individual and together. We both feel we can make our marriage work but we definitely need to work on communication.

Oct 28th, 2009, 10:35 PM	#31
kristie "H" is for horses? Joined: Oct 2006 Posts: 3,717	I agree that you guys need counseling..... I am totally confused though......is the sex life the way it is BECAUSE he is secretly watching porn all the time or because he WANTS TO and feels guilty, so therefore, does not.... Sorry, your original post was very confusing......
kristie "H" is for horses? Joined: Oct 2006 Posts: 3,717	__________________ Uh oh...I think I may be more in danger of buying a Hermes saddle than a Birkin.......

Oct 29th, 2009, 01:02 AM	#33
Dabyachunv Missing my Pupums. Joined: Aug 2009 Location: Long Island, NY Posts: 298	I am so sorry this is happening to you. Unfourtunately your the third person this week that I know this is happening to, and although I cannot fully comprehend the situation, I know what pain feels like, and I'm sorry. If you choose counseling or divorce, know that his choice to partake in porn is not a reflection of you. Best wishes Hun.
	__________________ Join, Special Order Rebecca Minkoff Lovers Clutch http://forum.purseblog.com/rebecca-m...re-524661.html Adopt a Pet, Help stop Puppymills! ASPCA!

Oct 29th, 2009, 07:55 AM	#34
BagLadie Got a handle on it Joined: Nov 2006 Location: Red Sox Nation Posts: 7,002	the fact that youve only had sex with your husband twice in two years is a problem - and should have nothing to do with the fact your husband watches porn. Most men watch porn and still have sex with their wives. But - I can relate. I'm on the verge of separating from my husband of 14 years and we pretty much stopped having sex years ago. The last time we did I was in tears also. When the emotional connection isn't there, thats pretty much a good sign you need help. PM me if you'd like.
	__________________ If life hands you lemons, make a vodka and lemonade. Then use the rest on your elbows.

Oct 29th, 2009, 09:48 AM	#35
saccharine Member Joined: Apr 2008 Location: NYC Posts: 88	Hugs to you on this difficult time. I would also suggest going to therapy to rebuild your relationship and feel connected again. You can work on recapturing the intimacy in the relationship. (I don't mean just in the physical sense.) The therapist can help you identify solutions to your problems. I was in a long distance relationship with my husband (pre-marriage) too and I have to say that there was a huge adjustment when we were together in the same space. It's as if we were different people and there was a period of questioning if we did the right thing. But, it was all about the transition. We worked out our issues about living together. (I mean, this is what we longed for all these years, right? We had to make it work.) My husband is a workaholic and there was a time that I was too. I know that just that one factor affected our intimacy significantly. We had no time to just enjoy each other. We were both stressed and felt disconnected at the time when we really needed each other's companionship, support and love. Once you know what factors contribute to the instability of your marriage, you can work to improve them. Hope you find a good therapist to help you navigate through the maze.
	Last edited by saccharine; Oct 29th, 2009 at 09:54 AM. Reason: added stuff

Oct 29th, 2009, 10:04 AM	#36
vhdos Member Joined: May 2007 Location: NC Posts: 3,139	Lots of questions have been posted for the OP, who has been MIA. Come back and clarify!!!!
vhdos Member Joined: May 2007 Location: NC Posts: 3,139	__________________ visit Bonanzle.com

Oct 29th, 2009, 02:35 PM	#38
Love my Tanos Member Joined: Jul 2009 Posts: 999	Maybe the OP is just overwhelmed...I would be too if I were in her shoes. It sounds like there's a lot going on and maybe she & her husb are having communication problems which get in the way of actually defining what the real issues are. I feel very bad for them both bc it seems the love might still be there but there are some deep issues going on that are keeping them from connecting the right way, in a way that makes them both feel good about each other and about their relationship. OP we're all rooting for you!
Love my Tanos Member Joined: Jul 2009 Posts: 999

Oct 29th, 2009, 04:14 PM	#39
BagLadie Got a handle on it Joined: Nov 2006 Location: Red Sox Nation Posts: 7,002	Honestly, I keep reading here about women upset about the men in their life watching porn. It's got me to thinking about this issue and why it's so upsetting. I think most women feel threatened that theyre not as "hot" or whatever as the women these men are watching. I don't think that's why men watch it. Simply put, it's hot and men (and some women) get off on it. I don't think there are many men out there that watch it and go "gee....I really wish I could take THAT girl home to meet my mother". If we all just could keep an open mind and not make it so taboo I think we'd all be better off. Sure we all want to be the ONLY women our men look at. But it's called being human. And being a guy. I don't think the OP has a problem with porn - it sounds like much deeper rooted issues. I hope she comes back to clarify.
	__________________ If life hands you lemons, make a vodka and lemonade. Then use the rest on your elbows.

Oct 29th, 2009, 07:46 PM	#40
caitlin1214 You just got slapped Joined: Jul 2006 Location: Toronto, Canada (Eh?) Posts: 22,439	So much great advice here. The only thing I'm going to add is you see whichever counselor (religous or secular) you feel the most comfortable seeing. One question: The fact that your husband watches porn doesn't come up in a normal conversation with his uncle, so how did he find out?
	__________________ If we could take the time To lay it on the line I could rest my head Just knowin' that you were mine November Rain - Guns N' Roses

Oct 29th, 2009, 10:11 PM	#43
ilovepinkhearts team edward. always. Joined: Dec 2007 Location: Texas Posts: 4,395	^^no, being selfish on occasion is a good thing, everyone needs 'me time' be it that or anything else. being selfish all the time is another. and when it's lied about and hidden it's because the person is ashamed of what they are doing.
	__________________ Please educate yourself about pancreatic cancer, and then share that knowledge with a loved one. http://www.pancan.org i will lose the weight...1 lb at a time!! i CAN do it! i'm not sure how many lbs to go - skinny jeans here i come!!

Oct 30th, 2009, 03:19 PM	#44
Zophie I <3 my Maltese! Joined: Feb 2007 Location: New Orleans, LA Posts: 8,491	If you're only been together twice in the past two years I hardly see how porn could be to blame. There has to be a lot deeper issue going on. My SO watches porn and so do I and that doesn't detract from us still wanting to be with each other all the time. If he wanted to watch porn instead of be with me, that would be a problem though.
	__________________

Oct 31st, 2009, 09:24 AM	#45
LVLover OP Member Joined: Jan 2006 Posts: 1,034	Wow, so many responses! I was not expecting all of the responses as my threads don't usually get to many, so yes I am really overwhelmed! I really was not sure what to respond because I myself was totally confused about what was going on! So it's been a few days and my husband I have talked and talked and talked. He has not been looking at porn rather than being intimate with me. He has not looked at porn in over a year. He feels very guilty for looking at it a year ago and that he sometimes wants to look at it. He has not come to me for support for a few reasons 1. he does not want to seem "weak" 2. does not want to hurt me 3. he's embarrassed. His guilt stems from his christian beliefs and what his uncle told him a long lime ago (3.5 years). He feels like because he looked a year ago he is a failure and has tried to repress all sexual desire, hence leading to our intimacy problems. My husband is VERY disciplined and a type triple A personality. He holds himself to expectations that are impossible. Thus, when he fails he feels awful about himself. I've been through this before with him (with his career) and I didn't know it was going on with porn so I thought his unhappiness and lack of interest was my fault. So the tail spin began. The problem initially for me was not that he was looking at porn, but the lack of communication, and the thought that he was somehow choosing porn over me (which turns out not to be the case). We are looking for a counselor and will begin asap, both individual and together. We both feel we can make our marriage work but we definitely need to work on communication.
LVLover OP Member Joined: Jan 2006 Posts: 1,034

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