On the Verge of Divorce..PORN?!?!

[Bella]

I don't want to get into the religious aspect of this, to each their own, but from what you say, your husband is no doubt feeling guilt and shame for what he's doing. It's a lot of pressure to be feeling whether it be his own doing, his uncle or anyone or anything else. It's possible so much of his energy and focus is wrapped up in that rather than what the deeper issues could be, being what could be lacking in the relationship between the two of you. Sometimes we get comfortable where we are and even if we're not happy we still keep doing what we're doing because we're used to it. That could be the case for both of you.

In my experience, when my relationship has lacked physical intimacy, our emotional and spiritual connection was sorely lacking as well. It usually goes hand in hand. We were distant, not connected. Sometimes distance can happen, but then you have to work to grow closer and connect again.. of course if both are willing. Changes have to be made, both have to make the effort. Some people think relationships should be easy, well no, you need to work at it.

OP, I suggest talking more with your husband and even counseling because there are issues here and if you want to save your relationship exploring and finding out the whys are where to start. Good luck to both of you.

[vhdos]

I'm confused. How could porn be to blame for a rotten sex life? What is your role in all of it? Do you initiate sex and he turns you down? Does he initiate and you turn him down? It takes two to tango and I just don't see porn as being the real issue here.

[LOREBUNDE]

The way I'm reading/thinking it is he is not viewing Porn anymore so because of this is not "excited" for sex w/o it, therefore, not in the mood?

Maybe the porn actually helped your sex life even though you didn't realize it?

[olialm1]

I suggest counseling. But do you really want to stay with your husband and remain married? Don't take that the wrong way, but you honestly seem so drained and hurt.

[ilovepinkhearts]

^^ no he HAS been viewing porn and he feels guilty about it and thus he has not shown his wife any intimate attention in 2 yrs. [except for on 2 occasions, and one ended with him in tears]

[juneping]

^^that's the part i was so confused...hope the OP can come back and clarify.

so far i just think the husband took his uncle's opinion too far...

[canada's]

the issue of porn should be between a man and his wife, only. if both are OK with porn (the variety, amount, etc.), then that's what works for them.

the uncle's opinion is just that, and frankly, it's none of his business! why would he (the uncle) know OP's husband was looking at porn?!

[bagnshoofetish]

please please get professional help from a Christian counselor. they would be the best to help you guys out coming from the same spiritual P.O.V. as it sounds like a very important part of your life.
the advice here is going to run the gamut and turn into the porn vs. no porn and never ends pretty.
please get "real" help. for better or for worse, remember that.

[AngelBABY84]

I agree with Charles.

[Rhose]

While I agree OP and her husband need a whole lot more communication, is a spiritual counsellor really going to help if they're only going to further shame him over watching porn? It could make things worse. I don't think porn is the real issue here at all.

Not being smart, I'm not religious so I genuinely don't know. Counselling is a great idea in this situation I believe.

[Irishgal]

Originally Posted by boxermom

Some very compassionate advice here. I am deeply sorry you are experiencing this. What Love My Tanos suggested about faith-based therapy is an excellent path to explore. If both of you can fully and honestly (so often I don't want to admit something because of old shame issues) commit to counseling, I'll bet you will see a much improved relationship. Best wishes.

Agree with this.
Also want to add...stop talking about divorce, start talking about re building your relationship. You have gotten into a bad spot, and all these issues need to be peeled apart like an onion and explored, assessed, and resolved. But but the whole idea of divorce on the back burner for now. I think this can be fixed. (And I have 21 years experience as a shrink and married 12 years too, so have seen it all..)
Hugs to you.

[CCfor C]

Originally Posted by bagnshoofetish

please please get professional help from a Christian counselor. they would be the best to help you guys out coming from the same spiritual P.O.V. as it sounds like a very important part of your life. the advice here is going to run the gamut and turn into the porn vs. no porn and never ends pretty. please get "real" help. for better or for worse, remember that.

^^^

[petitechouchou]

Originally Posted by Bella

I don't want to get into the religious aspect of this, to each their own, but from what you say, your husband is no doubt feeling guilt and shame for what he's doing. It's a lot of pressure to be feeling whether it be his own doing, his uncle or anyone or anything else. It's possible so much of his energy and focus is wrapped up in that rather than what the deeper issues could be, being what could be lacking in the relationship between the two of you. Sometimes we get comfortable where we are and even if we're not happy we still keep doing what we're doing because we're used to it. That could be the case for both of you. In my experience, when my relationship has lacked physical intimacy, our emotional and spiritual connection was sorely lacking as well. It usually goes hand in hand. We were distant, not connected. Sometimes distance can happen, but then you have to work to grow closer and connect again.. of course if both are willing. Changes have to be made, both have to make the effort. Some people think relationships should be easy, well no, you need to work at it. OP, I suggest talking more with your husband and even counseling because there are issues here and if you want to save your relationship exploring and finding out the whys are where to start. Good luck to both of you.

Bella! ITA

[bagnshoofetish]

Originally Posted by Rhose

While I agree OP and her husband need a whole lot more communication, is a spiritual counsellor really going to help if they're only going to further shame him over watching porn? It could make things worse. I don't think porn is the real issue here at all. Not being smart, I'm not religious so I genuinely don't know. Counselling is a great idea in this situation I believe.

a spiritual counselors job is not to shame or judge anyone. they simply advise people using the Word as a guideline. its not about shame. its about working through adversity however it presents itself through communication and prayer.

[boxermom]

Originally Posted by Rhose

While I agree OP and her husband need a whole lot more communication, is a spiritual counsellor really going to help if they're only going to further shame him over watching porn? It could make things worse. I don't think porn is the real issue here at all. Not being smart, I'm not religious so I genuinely don't know. Counselling is a great idea in this situation I believe.

It would depend on the therapist. I went to a Christian-based therapist for a couple years for a problem unrelated to my faith, and she never got into shame, blame or anything like that. Her level of faith content varied depending on the people seeking help. A friend of mine whose life revolves around her faith went to her and adored her--she received the spriritual content she needed to make sense of her issues. I hope that doesn't sound like gibberish.