Not keen on having kids SUPPORT THREAD

nataliam1976 · Oct 5th, 2008, 04:30 PM

There are many support threads throughout the forum, for people who are in debt or on a ban, who want to lose weight, get pregnant, or save money for their dream bag.

I thought it would be a good idea to have a support thread for the gals who dont want to have kids, a place to vent when they get attacked for that for the umpteenth time and somewhere where they can come to to share their point of view and feelings.

It is a life altering decision and we have to deal with it on daily basis. We havent made it lightly or on a whim. It would be great if this thread could become a safe place for all of us.

Mods I hope its appropriate to post this thread.

addictedtopurses · Oct 5th, 2008, 04:39 PM

I don't fall into your category, but I just wanted to say that I hope you all find the support you need in this thread. It kills me to see women tear each other apart over this issue. After all, no one is being hurt by this decision (and in fact, having kids when one doesn't want to is hurtful to all involved). I applaud you all for making a decision that is right for you in spite of the pressures and judgements that you unfortunately face from others!

candace117 · Oct 5th, 2008, 04:42 PM

Thanks for starting this, Natalia!!!

I'm still reading through the other thread :eyeroll:

I don't want to have kids, for various reasons, and the only thing that makes me sad is that DH would be a very good dad and does want kids. So I don't know what is going to happen

nataliam1976 · Oct 5th, 2008, 04:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by candace117

Thanks for starting this, Natalia!!!

I'm still reading through the other thread :eyeroll:

I don't want to have kids, for various reasons, and the only thing that makes me sad is that DH would be a very good dad and does want kids. So I don't know what is going to happen

hugs right back at ya, miss

I would tell you not to waste your time reading most of it, but I forgot for a moment who I am talking to

. Read away, just dont end up posting more there than here!

If you dont mind me asking, did you tell your DH from the beginning that you dont want to have kids? Or did you decide to cross that bridge later?

I always made a point of saying it to somebody I was thinking of having a serious relationship with. I have to take enough crap about it from other people, I wouldnt be able to handle it in a later stage when i got attached to someone from that very person, KWIM?

My SO knew from the beginning, he has a child from his marriage and is OK with not having any more. Any shade of doubt in his voice when we talked about it and we wouldnt be where we are now...

Amberini · Oct 5th, 2008, 04:52 PM

This is definitely a much needed thread!

I remember a few years ago when I was 17, I was in a relationship with a guy I had been for quite some time, but as soon as he'd finished at uni (he was 24) he wanted children, and at that age I really wasn't ready. Despite the fact we had been together for a long time. He didn't understand why I didn't though and somehow made my decision about not wanting to have kids about him. In the end we were fighting about it 3 or 4 times a day and we knew it wouldn't work out. No matter how much I loved him I was not ready to have children.

It can be difficult because you have to be honest to yourself yet you have to consider the other person involved.

It's tricky, but this thread will be a great release for many women. Well done

Laurie8504 · Oct 5th, 2008, 04:57 PM

He was mad at you for not wanting kids when you were 17!!! Unbelievable! I don't know anyone who is ready at that age. I think a lot of "wanting kids" has to do with your age and biological clock and that is just so young. I don't want any right now, but I'm open to letting my feelings change in the future.

Amberini · Oct 5th, 2008, 05:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurie8504

He was mad at you for not wanting kids when you were 17!!! Unbelievable! I don't know anyone who is ready at that age. I think a lot of "wanting kids" has to do with your age and biological clock and that is just so young. I don't want any right now, but I'm open to letting my feelings change in the future.

I know! When you're young and naive though, you just try to do anything to make the other person happy because you believe that love is everything.

I'm glad I didn't have children then, I have to much life to live still

.

I think I am too selfish at the moment too. That's just a part of being young though.

I still talk to my ex, he's now 28, and has 2 children, 1 girl, 2, and a boy 8 months. He's engaged too. As much as I loved him and of course there's still a little flicker there, he was my first love, but I'm just so glad it's not me, maybe at 24 I will be ready. For now though I'm happy for him, at least he got what he wanted.

illinirdhd · Oct 5th, 2008, 05:09 PM

I always said I would NEVER have kids. I wasn't into babydolls as a little girl, I've never cared one way or another about babies or kids. Then my last boyfriend made me wonder if I might change my mind, given the right circumstances. Then I met DH and he does want kids and will be a fantastic father, so I had to choose between having a family with my now-husband and breaking off the relationship with him to find someone who was ok with no kids. Now, about 2 years after making that decision, we're married and trying to get pregnant. I'm living proof that sometimes you change your mind, and that's ok.

But it's also ok to not want children, and no one should make you feel like you need to explain that! I think it's selfish to have kids just because you think you're "supposed" to. The only reason to have a baby, in my opinion, is that two people who love each other want to pass that love on to a child. Any other reason - because others expect it, because you want to trap a man, etc - isn't good enough.

There are so many things we can do in this life. If a baby isn't something you want, then you shouldn't have to justify that to yourself or to anyone else.

Amberini · Oct 5th, 2008, 05:18 PM

Well put illinirdhd, I always appreciate your relationship advice!

WithFrises · Oct 5th, 2008, 05:20 PM

I am married 15+ years and have no children by choice. For some people it's a no brainer. I was one of the fence-sitters (years of excuses and half-hearted attempts trying to want a baby). I had some therapy to help me actually make the decision. I needed a neutral party to help me sort thought the whole thing. In the end, it became a no-brainer for me and DH.

For the fence sitters... Here is a link to a good article by Dr Phil:
http://drphil.com/articles/article/27/

Loganz · Oct 5th, 2008, 05:40 PM

withfrises - My DH and I have been together 10 years (5 married) and have also made this decision (although there have been many rocky roads leading to it). My question for you is, did you seek out a mate who felt like you?

I grew up in Jersey (toms river) and am still very close with my 2 BF's from HS. From what they tell me of life in Jersey children are very much a part of everyone's lives - how is it living in Jersey and being childfree?

Nat - thanks for starting this thread!!

killerstrawbery · Oct 5th, 2008, 05:44 PM

heya! im in this category :)

its funny cuz my mom just got off the phone with me asking when im gonna give her some grandkids.... HAHAHAHAH

to which i always reply, NEVARRRRRRRRRRRRR

Loganz · Oct 5th, 2008, 05:44 PM

I also wanted to say the following:

For those of you who don't think you want children but you are still in your early 20's I would caution against using Depo-provera as a BC method. I have been on it for 16 years and can tell you the no-period, no pregnancy effects - are not worth the other devastating side-effects. I am the Depo poster child - never gained weight - was always in a great mood, etc - outwardly Depo and I are best friends - However, inside the story is not the same.

Long story short - if you think there is even a 2% chance you might want to conceive one day then talk to your doctor about birth control that does not have the lasting side-effects of Depo -

Trust me, any doctor who says you will ovulate normally after years of depo is not being straight with you.

Sorry if this sounded like a PSA - I just wanted to state this because I know there are younger ladies reading this thread who may feel one way now but may not know how they will feel in 5 - 10 years.

Thanks for reading!

killerstrawbery · Oct 5th, 2008, 05:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Loganz

withfrises - My DH and I have been together 10 years (5 married) and have also made this decision (although there have been many rocky roads leading to it). My question for you is, did you seek out a mate who felt like you?

I grew up in Jersey (toms river) and am still very close with my 2 BF's from HS. From what they tell me of life in Jersey children are very much a part of everyone's lives - how is it living in Jersey and being childfree?

Nat - thanks for starting this thread!!

hey jersey girl! i grew up in east brunswick, what a coincidence :)

Loganz · Oct 5th, 2008, 05:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by killerstrawbery

hey jersey girl! i grew up in east brunswick, what a coincidence :)

Hiya - are the hottest guys still in Brick Township? lol!

Oct 5th, 2008, 04:30 PM	#1
nataliam1976 Hmmmph Location: all around Europe	Not keen on having kids SUPPORT THREAD There are many support threads throughout the forum, for people who are in debt or on a ban, who want to lose weight, get pregnant, or save money for their dream bag. I thought it would be a good idea to have a support thread for the gals who dont want to have kids, a place to vent when they get attacked for that for the umpteenth time and somewhere where they can come to to share their point of view and feelings. It is a life altering decision and we have to deal with it on daily basis. We havent made it lightly or on a whim. It would be great if this thread could become a safe place for all of us. Mods I hope its appropriate to post this thread. __________________ "Buy me, Lady" said the frock, "and I will make you into a BEAUTIFUL and WHOLE and COMPLETE human being". "Do not be SILLY", said the Man, " for a frock alone cannot do that". "TRUE" said the Lady. " I shall have the Shoes and the Bag as well".

Oct 5th, 2008, 04:39 PM	#2
addictedtopurses Stars Hollow	I don't fall into your category, but I just wanted to say that I hope you all find the support you need in this thread. It kills me to see women tear each other apart over this issue. After all, no one is being hurt by this decision (and in fact, having kids when one doesn't want to is hurtful to all involved). I applaud you all for making a decision that is right for you in spite of the pressures and judgements that you unfortunately face from others! __________________ Thankful for what I've got! Happy Holidays!

Oct 5th, 2008, 04:42 PM	#3
candace117 Pirate Trash Location: Hardcorvallis	Thanks for starting this, Natalia!!! I'm still reading through the other thread :eyeroll: I don't want to have kids, for various reasons, and the only thing that makes me sad is that DH would be a very good dad and does want kids. So I don't know what is going to happen __________________ "With so much drama in the L-B-C, it's kinda hard bein Snoop D-O-double G."

Oct 5th, 2008, 04:52 PM	#5
Amberini Amberini Bellini Location: UK	This is definitely a much needed thread! I remember a few years ago when I was 17, I was in a relationship with a guy I had been for quite some time, but as soon as he'd finished at uni (he was 24) he wanted children, and at that age I really wasn't ready. Despite the fact we had been together for a long time. He didn't understand why I didn't though and somehow made my decision about not wanting to have kids about him. In the end we were fighting about it 3 or 4 times a day and we knew it wouldn't work out. No matter how much I loved him I was not ready to have children. It can be difficult because you have to be honest to yourself yet you have to consider the other person involved. It's tricky, but this thread will be a great release for many women. Well done __________________ Well, at least he's taking care of things...

Oct 5th, 2008, 04:57 PM	#6
Laurie8504 chocolate...where? Location: Italy	He was mad at you for not wanting kids when you were 17!!! Unbelievable! I don't know anyone who is ready at that age. I think a lot of "wanting kids" has to do with your age and biological clock and that is just so young. I don't want any right now, but I'm open to letting my feelings change in the future. __________________ flickr

Oct 5th, 2008, 05:09 PM	#8
illinirdhd Sofa King Hooked Location: Las Vegas, NV	I always said I would NEVER have kids. I wasn't into babydolls as a little girl, I've never cared one way or another about babies or kids. Then my last boyfriend made me wonder if I might change my mind, given the right circumstances. Then I met DH and he does want kids and will be a fantastic father, so I had to choose between having a family with my now-husband and breaking off the relationship with him to find someone who was ok with no kids. Now, about 2 years after making that decision, we're married and trying to get pregnant. I'm living proof that sometimes you change your mind, and that's ok. But it's also ok to not want children, and no one should make you feel like you need to explain that! I think it's selfish to have kids just because you think you're "supposed" to. The only reason to have a baby, in my opinion, is that two people who love each other want to pass that love on to a child. Any other reason - because others expect it, because you want to trap a man, etc - isn't good enough. There are so many things we can do in this life. If a baby isn't something you want, then you shouldn't have to justify that to yourself or to anyone else. __________________

Oct 5th, 2008, 05:18 PM	#9
Amberini Amberini Bellini Location: UK	Well put illinirdhd, I always appreciate your relationship advice! __________________ Well, at least he's taking care of things...

Oct 5th, 2008, 05:20 PM	#10
WithFrises bichons and bags	I am married 15+ years and have no children by choice. For some people it's a no brainer. I was one of the fence-sitters (years of excuses and half-hearted attempts trying to want a baby). I had some therapy to help me actually make the decision. I needed a neutral party to help me sort thought the whole thing. In the end, it became a no-brainer for me and DH. For the fence sitters... Here is a link to a good article by Dr Phil: http://drphil.com/articles/article/27/ __________________ To err is human... to forgive, canine. \| smallpawsrescue.org

Oct 5th, 2008, 05:40 PM	#11
Loganz labs and bags Location: colorado	withfrises - My DH and I have been together 10 years (5 married) and have also made this decision (although there have been many rocky roads leading to it). My question for you is, did you seek out a mate who felt like you? I grew up in Jersey (toms river) and am still very close with my 2 BF's from HS. From what they tell me of life in Jersey children are very much a part of everyone's lives - how is it living in Jersey and being childfree? Nat - thanks for starting this thread!!

Oct 5th, 2008, 05:44 PM	#12
killerstrawbery Sofa King Banned Location: Bmore	heya! im in this category :) its funny cuz my mom just got off the phone with me asking when im gonna give her some grandkids.... HAHAHAHAH to which i always reply, NEVARRRRRRRRRRRRR