Not keen on having kids SUPPORT THREAD

illinirdhd · Oct 6th, 2008, 01:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rhose

We're both willing to compromise for the love of the other, but who should have to? How do you make a decision like that? How do you measure which is the lesser sacrifice and thus the best course of action?

Anyone who I try to talk to about this just says... you guessed it... "Oh, don't be silly! You'll change your mind when you get older!". And maybe I even will - it does happen - but what if I don't?

You may very well change your mind (I did), or maybe he will change his. Just keep your fingers crossed that you don't both change your minds at the same time!

I think in situations like yours, the NO wins. Kids are a LOT of work, and it will take a lot of sacrifice and patience from both of you to raise a child. If both people aren't on board and really WANTING to have a child, then it just won't work.

It sounds like you and your SO are both being very rational about this, and that's fantastic! My husband has said every now and then that if I would rather travel the world than have children, he will be ok with that. But I know that deep down in his heart, he really wants kids. I knew that when I married him and I made the choice that I wanted to give him children. I know it won't be easy, and I know that there will be days I'll probably question that choice, but in the end, I also know that he'll be one of the best daddies ever.

If you both understand what the other wants, and each of you is willing to do what the other wants for the other person's happiness, then I think your SO is right. Wait and see what the future holds! You might get pregnant by accident and be thrilled! Or he might wake up one morning when he's 50 and realize that he hasn't missed out on anything and is very happy without children.

If you were marrying a guy who wanted kids and leading him to believe that you wanted them too, when you really don't, I would say differently. I'd tell you to breack off the relationship and let him find someone who wants to be a mom. But it sounds like both of you are being very honest with the other, so I'm sure you'll be able to make the right decision together.

illinirdhd · Oct 6th, 2008, 01:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by candace117

I just don't want to give up my goals to raise them

I think that is a very valid and honest reason to not have children. I can't believe that people argue with someone who says that, but I've heard it over and over again, and used to hear it when I didn't think I'd have kids. Children are some people's goal. Other people want their career. And many of us realize that we can be the best at one or the other, but not both. There's nothing wrong with that. The wrong thing would be to have a child just because it's expected or because it's the next step or because everyone else is doing it. It's a baby, not a pair of Jimmy Choos! Babies aren't an accessory and shouldn't be conceived to keep up with the Joneses! I just wish girls in high school knew that....

cooper1 · Oct 6th, 2008, 01:55 PM

We also love to travel and this is another one of the gazillion reasons that young children would not work in our very independent lifestyle. We love our life the way it is, step-kids on the weekends and holidays, and for me, that's plenty. My life is very full.

I think one thing people have to recognize is that now, in the year 2008, there is no longer this "cookie-cutter" lifestyle that makes a "family". Family is what you make it. Whether you have children or not, doesn't define your family. Women make the decision with their SO if having children works for them, or not. I think it is much more socially acceptable now to make the decision to not have children. Others may never understand why you make that decision, and after so many years, I finally don't care what others think. It's all about me and DH, and what we decide.

Make the decision which is right for you and your situation. Don't pass judgement on others because of their personal choices and decisions; you never know what is going on in that person's life.

candace117 · Oct 6th, 2008, 02:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by illinirdhd

I think that is a very valid and honest reason to not have children. I can't believe that people argue with someone who says that, but I've heard it over and over again, and used to hear it when I didn't think I'd have kids. Children are some people's goal. Other people want their career. And many of us realize that we can be the best at one or the other, but not both. There's nothing wrong with that. The wrong thing would be to have a child just because it's expected or because it's the next step or because everyone else is doing it. It's a baby, not a pair of Jimmy Choos! Babies aren't an accessory and shouldn't be conceived to keep up with the Joneses! I just wish girls in high school knew that....

Honestly...if we weren't a dual military couple....maybe I'd feel differently. I am just really NOT okay with the world situation and knowing how I feel - that I am personally willing to volunteer for every deployment that comes my way, same with DH. I had to say no to things during college and I HATED it, nobody expected me to skip school to go out on missions or whatever we were doing, but I still wished that I could have done more earlier on. It's just my personality.

It is really difficult enough for me to shower my doggies with enough love and attention

I would hate to know that I couldn't give my all to my children, and I know I couldn't. I do have a great motherly instinct, I practically raised my brothers as though they were my own and love them to pieces, and am so proud of the men they are becoming just like any mom would be...and I do like my seldom interactions with kids....but my priority is my service and I can't help that feeling.

Luckily the military community is SOOOO diverse and since I spent most of my time here, nobody really cares either way if you have kids or not....or what kind of purse you have...or anything. It is really, really refreshing. haha!!!!

Junkenpo · Oct 6th, 2008, 02:51 PM

ahhh... i waffle with this decision every few months... it didn't occur to me that it was possible to not have children if you were married until i dated a guy who emphatically did not want kids.

I had no strong feelings about being a mommy, so i was okay with the idea, and over the 5 years we were together, i got used to the idea.

now, i'm married to a man who DOES want kids, and while i still have no strong desire to be a mommy, i know i'll be a good one & he'll be a great dad.... but if he happened to change his mind, there would be no arguments or disappointment from me.

i think having or not having children is a personal decision that is no one else's business.

Rhose · Oct 6th, 2008, 06:01 PM

Thank you everyone who addressed the issue I posted about. It has really, really helped to get some fresh perspective and you all had great points. SO knows where I stand and we're still quite young, so we'll just wait and see. I don't see what more we can really do about it right now. I just don't like having something hanging over our heads like this I guess. I always like to have everything perfectly sorted out. I know that's not realistic though.

I'd even prefer to adopt older kids, as there are so many out there who need a good home. I could love an adopted child like my own. And then I wouldn't have to go through birth and the younger years, which don't appeal to me at all. I'd rather have a horror teenager than a slobbering little goo bag who's completely dependent on me for everything.

But... he doesn't want to adopt. He wants some of his own. He says, "Don't you want to know that when you're gone a part of you lives on?". To which I reply, "No... I'll be dead. I won't care.". We just don't see eye to eye on this, and I can't very well tell him he is wrong about it.

Loganz · Oct 6th, 2008, 06:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rhose

he doesn't want to adopt. He wants some of his own. He says, "Don't you want to know that when you're gone a part of you lives on?". To which I reply, "No... I'll be dead. I won't care.". We just don't see eye to eye on this, and I can't very well tell him he is wrong about it.

Rhose - I understand your quandry in a different way - my man does not want any of his own, nor does he want to adopt; I would like to adopt one day; but alas, I don't get my way on this issue if I want to stay married.

What I have learned is no matter how much you think you have talked about something there is no guarantee anyone was listening. (and in the end - we didn't talk enough)

candace117 · Oct 6th, 2008, 06:10 PM

^DH And I have definitely talked about either being foster parents or adopting, all of which have been things he has brought up first. But we wouldn't do that until we are older and have even more financial stability and one of us is on our way out of the military. I think he still wants his own kids but I don't know. He doesn't seem very opposed to the idea of not having any...

greenpixie · Oct 6th, 2008, 06:32 PM

I am so glad this thread is here! I can identify with so many of you.

DH and I are only 26, but we are fairly-very sure we do not want children. Thankfully we are on the same page. We have been together for 10 years (high school sweethearts

) and married for two, and a lot of people seem to think it is the "right time" for kids for us. It gets really frustrating to have to explain repeatedly that no, I won't change my mind, no, my clock won't "tick", no, we won't be the great-grandbaby machine, just NO!

I finally have just changed my standard reply to those kinds of inquiries to, "not for a good long while, at least," because I was tired of all the disbelief. Even DH noticed that I don't say "we don't want kids" when asked anymore. He says he doesn't care and will just tell people straight out we don't want to be parents, but I am just exhausted by the people who think they know better than I what I should want out of life. I should not have to justify myself, my DH, or our lives to anyone.

We are working on advanced degrees, are getting our careers off the ground, and honestly love our childless lifestyle now. I just don't see myself changing things to make children a priority. I think kids should be wanted and after sorting through my feelings every so often for some time, I don't think I will ever be at that point.

Thanks ladies for being here for support, and for understanding my point of view.

SeriouslyChic · Oct 6th, 2008, 06:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rhose

I'd even prefer to adopt older kids, as there are so many out there who need a good home. I could love an adopted child like my own. And then I wouldn't have to go through birth and the younger years, which don't appeal to me at all. I'd rather have a horror teenager than a slobbering little goo bag who's completely dependent on me for everything.

But... he doesn't want to adopt. He wants some of his own. He says, "Don't you want to know that when you're gone a part of you lives on?". To which I reply, "No... I'll be dead. I won't care.". We just don't see eye to eye on this, and I can't very well tell him he is wrong about it.

The highlighted part is *exactly* how I feel. My BF and I were talking about it last night... he thinks that the most formative years are from birth to 3... while I can't imagine taking care of an infant, much less carrying one in my body. We have discussed things quite openly and while adoption is on the table, we still haven't ironed out the kinks... but we've got plenty of time.

Your SO isn't wrong. I think that's why this thread has "Support" in it - because NONE of these thoughts are wrong. They're just not right for everyone. I don't know what I would do if I were you, so I wish you luck with all that ensues with your SO about this delicate subject.

Sunshine · Oct 6th, 2008, 06:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nataliam1976

Hey Sunshine !

There is a similar thread already but it was pointed out to us that Megs herself said its a thread open for debate and different opinions. We would be grateful for having this strictly support thread as many other members with different issues here have.

I am more than happy to "support" your supportive thread. I think it is nice to be able to discuss ideas and feelings on this topic without being judged, or turning into a big debate that often gets nasty. SO, having said that. IF for some reason there are posts made in here that are off topic or steering away from the general topic in any way, please report it to me and I will stay on it. Thx.

SeriouslyChic · Oct 6th, 2008, 06:46 PM

Here's a question: How do you ladies maneuver around your friends who are baby-crazy?

One of my friends is completely obsessed with all-things-baby. She calls me after she sees one in the grocery store or at the mall and gushes on and on and on. I don't want to be inconsiderate and say "shut up already!" but I've mentioned many times that "I can't really relate, I'm pretty sure I won't ever have one." or "Yeahhhh... not so much." when she goes on and on.

Note: This is the same friend who says over and over "I was just like you at your age and now I just want to kiss their little toes and fingers and eat them up! You'll change too!"

*sighs*

lantana19 · Oct 6th, 2008, 06:47 PM

I struggle with the decision as well. I'm 25 married to a 29 yr old and just about to celebrate our 1st anniversary but we've been together for almost 4 years. We still live in the same town where we both graduated college even though he had graduated way before I even started school. He stayed in this own because he found a job in his field and I came to this town, majoring in my chosen major, not expecting to stay in this town. Well that said, we are now married of course, he is still working at the same job he was when we first met because his career is advancing, and I am jobless because there are no jobs available for me, I'm a fashion grad. So here I am, ripe for baby making, married to a man who makes decent money, jobless and so I hear all the time from family and friends alike, "Why don't you want any children?" "You're not doing anything right now so now is the perfect time". I've never really wanted any children, the idea of what pregnancy does to your body completely terrifies me. So long story short, I do sometimes feel guilty that I'm not able to work right now and choosing not to have children at the same time, basically doing nothing with my time. But, I know that I'm not ready now and I might not ever be. Thanks for starting this thread, I'm glad I can come here and not get flamed for a personal choice.

redney · Oct 6th, 2008, 06:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SeriouslyChic

Here's a question: How do you ladies maneuver around your friends who are baby-crazy?

One of my friends is completely obsessed with all-things-baby. She calls me after she sees one in the grocery store or at the mall and gushes on and on and on. I don't want to be inconsiderate and say "shut up already!" but I've mentioned many times that "I can't really relate, I'm pretty sure I won't ever have one." or "Yeahhhh... not so much." when she goes on and on.

Note: This is the same friend who says over and over "I was just like you at your age and now I just want to kiss their little toes and fingers and eat them up! You'll change too!"

*sighs*

To answer your question, I think it's just trying to disengage from the topic as quickly and politely as possible - like you have done repeatedly. Even if you say something like "hmmmm, that's great" or whatever in a nonchalant way, and then change the topic, it won't stop 'em forever, but at least it will stop them at that moment from babbling on.

I've found that if you actually say "nope, I never want them" that leaves the door "open" for your baby-crazed friends to try to keep talking about it, or worse, try to "change your mind."

Loganz · Oct 6th, 2008, 06:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SeriouslyChic

Here's a question: How do you ladies maneuver around your friends who are baby-crazy?

I have baby-crazy neighbors - all great people; but, it took some time for them to realize I didn't want to hold their babies. I have gone to the showers, played measure the tummy, bought the baby clothes, but - I draw the line at holding them.

I have told my neighbors that when their children are old enough to come talk to me they can do that and I will help with homework and the like. Luckily - I do not have "baby crazy" friends but my mother does the coo-ing thing, and the "oh look at this" while shopping. I think she believes immersion therapy could change things for me - deep down she knows better.

Oct 6th, 2008, 02:51 PM	#50
Junkenpo Boom, baby! Location: 2500 miles from any continental landmass	ahhh... i waffle with this decision every few months... it didn't occur to me that it was possible to not have children if you were married until i dated a guy who emphatically did not want kids. I had no strong feelings about being a mommy, so i was okay with the idea, and over the 5 years we were together, i got used to the idea. now, i'm married to a man who DOES want kids, and while i still have no strong desire to be a mommy, i know i'll be a good one & he'll be a great dad.... but if he happened to change his mind, there would be no arguments or disappointment from me. i think having or not having children is a personal decision that is no one else's business. __________________ Love the animals: God has given them the rudiments of thought and joy untroubled-- Fyodor Dostoyevsky] PONDERING: Damier Pochette Melville, mini pochette, Naviglio; Ivoire Epi Alma; Amarante cles or keyholder...

Oct 6th, 2008, 06:10 PM	#53
candace117 Pirate Trash Location: Hardcorvallis	^DH And I have definitely talked about either being foster parents or adopting, all of which have been things he has brought up first. But we wouldn't do that until we are older and have even more financial stability and one of us is on our way out of the military. I think he still wants his own kids but I don't know. He doesn't seem very opposed to the idea of not having any... __________________ "With so much drama in the L-B-C, it's kinda hard bein Snoop D-O-double G."

Oct 6th, 2008, 06:32 PM	#54
greenpixie Coach & Ignes Mod Location: sunny CA	I am so glad this thread is here! I can identify with so many of you. DH and I are only 26, but we are fairly-very sure we do not want children. Thankfully we are on the same page. We have been together for 10 years (high school sweethearts ) and married for two, and a lot of people seem to think it is the "right time" for kids for us. It gets really frustrating to have to explain repeatedly that no, I won't change my mind, no, my clock won't "tick", no, we won't be the great-grandbaby machine, just NO! I finally have just changed my standard reply to those kinds of inquiries to, "not for a good long while, at least," because I was tired of all the disbelief. Even DH noticed that I don't say "we don't want kids" when asked anymore. He says he doesn't care and will just tell people straight out we don't want to be parents, but I am just exhausted by the people who think they know better than I what I should want out of life. I should not have to justify myself, my DH, or our lives to anyone. We are working on advanced degrees, are getting our careers off the ground, and honestly love our childless lifestyle now. I just don't see myself changing things to make children a priority. I think kids should be wanted and after sorting through my feelings every so often for some time, I don't think I will ever be at that point. Thanks ladies for being here for support, and for understanding my point of view. __________________ GP is banned!

Oct 6th, 2008, 06:46 PM	#57
SeriouslyChic Really a Silly Girl	Here's a question: How do you ladies maneuver around your friends who are baby-crazy? One of my friends is completely obsessed with all-things-baby. She calls me after she sees one in the grocery store or at the mall and gushes on and on and on. I don't want to be inconsiderate and say "shut up already!" but I've mentioned many times that "I can't really relate, I'm pretty sure I won't ever have one." or "Yeahhhh... not so much." when she goes on and on. Note: This is the same friend who says over and over "I was just like you at your age and now I just want to kiss their little toes and fingers and eat them up! You'll change too!" sighs __________________ "On really romantic nights of self, I go salsa dancing with my confusion."

Oct 6th, 2008, 06:47 PM	#58
lantana19 Vintage-a-holic Location: Texas	I struggle with the decision as well. I'm 25 married to a 29 yr old and just about to celebrate our 1st anniversary but we've been together for almost 4 years. We still live in the same town where we both graduated college even though he had graduated way before I even started school. He stayed in this own because he found a job in his field and I came to this town, majoring in my chosen major, not expecting to stay in this town. Well that said, we are now married of course, he is still working at the same job he was when we first met because his career is advancing, and I am jobless because there are no jobs available for me, I'm a fashion grad. So here I am, ripe for baby making, married to a man who makes decent money, jobless and so I hear all the time from family and friends alike, "Why don't you want any children?" "You're not doing anything right now so now is the perfect time". I've never really wanted any children, the idea of what pregnancy does to your body completely terrifies me. So long story short, I do sometimes feel guilty that I'm not able to work right now and choosing not to have children at the same time, basically doing nothing with my time. But, I know that I'm not ready now and I might not ever be. Thanks for starting this thread, I'm glad I can come here and not get flamed for a personal choice. __________________ Happy Holidays Everyone!

Oct 6th, 2008, 01:55 PM	#48
cooper1 wag more, bark less! Location: Atlanta	We also love to travel and this is another one of the gazillion reasons that young children would not work in our very independent lifestyle. We love our life the way it is, step-kids on the weekends and holidays, and for me, that's plenty. My life is very full. I think one thing people have to recognize is that now, in the year 2008, there is no longer this "cookie-cutter" lifestyle that makes a "family". Family is what you make it. Whether you have children or not, doesn't define your family. Women make the decision with their SO if having children works for them, or not. I think it is much more socially acceptable now to make the decision to not have children. Others may never understand why you make that decision, and after so many years, I finally don't care what others think. It's all about me and DH, and what we decide. Make the decision which is right for you and your situation. Don't pass judgement on others because of their personal choices and decisions; you never know what is going on in that person's life.

Oct 6th, 2008, 06:01 PM	#51
Rhose Member Location: Australia	Thank you everyone who addressed the issue I posted about. It has really, really helped to get some fresh perspective and you all had great points. SO knows where I stand and we're still quite young, so we'll just wait and see. I don't see what more we can really do about it right now. I just don't like having something hanging over our heads like this I guess. I always like to have everything perfectly sorted out. I know that's not realistic though. I'd even prefer to adopt older kids, as there are so many out there who need a good home. I could love an adopted child like my own. And then I wouldn't have to go through birth and the younger years, which don't appeal to me at all. I'd rather have a horror teenager than a slobbering little goo bag who's completely dependent on me for everything. But... he doesn't want to adopt. He wants some of his own. He says, "Don't you want to know that when you're gone a part of you lives on?". To which I reply, "No... I'll be dead. I won't care.". We just don't see eye to eye on this, and I can't very well tell him he is wrong about it.