[killerstrawbery]

Originally Posted by Rhose

I'm really glad for a support thread too. I think now I'll feel comfortable posting something I wanted to post in the other thread, but didn't think it was worth having it thrown back in my face.

I want to hear from anyone who has or has had a SO who wants children when they don't. Mine would like to down the track. I've told him I don't want children and there's a good chance I never will. He doesn't really want to talk about it because he says it's too far off in the distance right now, but I'd rather get it sorted now than have mutual heartbreak in the future if neither of us change our mind.

He's said that he'd respect my decision to not have children if that's what I really wanted, that he wants me more. But... I love him. I really, really adore him and want him to be happy. I don't want him to miss out on children in the future if it's something he really wants. He's a wonderful partner and would be a very good father I believe. And, I think it really is something he wants. He's been in a relationship with a single mother before with a horror child. He knows first hand the strain a child can put on a relationship, even moreso than me. And he still wants one.

We're both willing to compromise for the love of the other, but who should have to? How do you make a decision like that? How do you measure which is the lesser sacrifice and thus the best course of action?

I don't want anyone else. And neither does he. Neither of us would break up over this. We just love each other too much. But in doing so we want the other to be happy and fulfilled! It's so hard.

Please share your thoughts on this. Anyone who I try to talk to about this just says... you guessed it... "Oh, don't be silly! You'll change your mind when you get older!". And maybe I even will - it does happen - but what if I don't?

hey there :) im in the same situation

its always been obvious to me that having kids is not something i want in life, and my SO of over 7 years , who also happens to be 7 years older, has reached that baby making time of his life
he wants kids, LOTS of kids... lol
and ive made it plain and simple to him that he wont be having any with me
i explained to him reasons for why we shouldnt have kids, and he knows im not budging so he will just have to leave me if it comes to that
but ive worn him down and he sees my side of it

he does still, however, have that urge now and then, i chalk it up to his age and figure he'll get over it soon

[ILoveMyBug]

I've found myself in the "don't want babies but has an SO that does" boat at the moment. We're now 5 years into the relationship, and apparently he just assumed that I did, and didn't think to ask earlier.

I've spent probably the last year umming and ahhing about it, and during this time my sister had a baby, who is really cute, but this still wasn't enough to make me decide. Thing is, how do you know you've decided for definite either way? I mean I'm 32 now, so I don't have much time left to make up my mind.

The truth is I just can't get excited about the thought of having a baby, I'd MUCH rather rescue a couple of dogs than have children, but this would more than likely mean I'd end up single.

And what if you think "oh what the hell, no-one is ever ready", and have one and then really regret it? What happens then?

[cooper1]

WOW! This is a great thread! I live this every day of my life!
My husband and I have been together for 9 yrs (married for almost 6) and when we started dating he already had two kids (at the time 7 and 4) from his previous marriage. I was "OK" about it, although everyone I know warned me about being involved with someone who has kids and potentially becoming their step-mom one day. Well, we ended up getting married when I was 29 and ever since then everyone has been asking me "when are you going to have a baby???". I say "we are not going to have children. I have two step-kids" (now 13 and 16) and then I always get that same response...."oh, honey, you are young, and it is so different when they are your own. You'll change your mind". Hmmm....really..... am I a complete failure as a woman because I am making thise choice??? I am supposed to make babies, right? That is the natural order of life, right???.... it drives me crazy....
DH has always been very sweet and open with me, even when we were thinking about marriage, saying things like "I am fine if you want to have kids one day, but I am also OK not to because I have two kids...." you know, things like that. I have watched as my best friend is raising her two kids and my closest sister had her baby nearly 3 yrs ago. I have struggled so much over the years with "WHY don't I want kids???" and "Is there something wrong with me?" or "Will I regret this one day???"
Now, I have just turned 35 and I am finally at ease with the whole thing. I DON'T WANT KIDS. That's just it. I don't. There is nothing wrong with me, or anyone else here who makes this conscious decision. This decision DOES NOT make us any less of a woman.

....I have to add here: I really love my dog!!!

[Laurie8504]

Cooper1, I'm so happy you've finally found peace with your decision, that's an amazing feeling.

It's really good for me to hear what you guys are going through, it makes me realize I need to have this decision with my bf now, before things get super-serious. Whether my opinions change or not, it's smart to find out where he stands so neither one of us is hurt later.

[caxe]

Originally Posted by jan228

I know I will never want kids, but it's sort of a shame that my genius won't be passed down.

LOL. Word.

[caxe]

Originally Posted by Rhose

I'm really glad for a support thread too. I think now I'll feel comfortable posting something I wanted to post in the other thread, but didn't think it was worth having it thrown back in my face.

I want to hear from anyone who has or has had a SO who wants children when they don't. Mine would like to down the track. I've told him I don't want children and there's a good chance I never will. He doesn't really want to talk about it because he says it's too far off in the distance right now, but I'd rather get it sorted now than have mutual heartbreak in the future if neither of us change our mind.

He's said that he'd respect my decision to not have children if that's what I really wanted, that he wants me more. But... I love him. I really, really adore him and want him to be happy. I don't want him to miss out on children in the future if it's something he really wants. He's a wonderful partner and would be a very good father I believe. And, I think it really is something he wants. He's been in a relationship with a single mother before with a horror child. He knows first hand the strain a child can put on a relationship, even moreso than me. And he still wants one.

We're both willing to compromise for the love of the other, but who should have to? How do you make a decision like that? How do you measure which is the lesser sacrifice and thus the best course of action?

I don't want anyone else. And neither does he. Neither of us would break up over this. We just love each other too much. But in doing so we want the other to be happy and fulfilled! It's so hard.

Please share your thoughts on this. Anyone who I try to talk to about this just says... you guessed it... "Oh, don't be silly! You'll change your mind when you get older!". And maybe I even will - it does happen - but what if I don't?

When I first met my now-fiance I told him I didn't like kids and didn't want kids. We became involved, and yes, for the first couple of years he tried to convince me otherwise, since he only has one child and has always wanted at least one more. However, things happened in our relationship that proved to him just how serious I am about not having kids. Just the other day though we were in the food court at the mall, and we were joking around and I was kind of telling him how it would suck to have to go shopping and drag around kids, etc. He said "You should have at least one" which is the first time that he's mentioned it in a long time. Before I could think I reflexively replied "Why the hell would I want to put myself in that misery?" and he dropped the subject. I mean, he proposed in February of this year knowing that I don't ever want children, so...when he made that decision to be with me (and he'd had almost three years to MAKE that decision) he decided to take me as I am and without changing me, and although he mentions it in passing, he is still very proactive about using the withdrawal method. So I think that sometimes he thinks that he wants another child, but then reality sets in, and he agrees with me how much better our lives are going to be without children. And too, he was married for eight or nine years before he had a child with his first wife; I think that if he'd been really gung ho all his life about having kids, he might have had them earlier. Although, he has mentioned that she had fertility issues, he remained with her for years as they tried as opposed to leaving and starting a family with someone else, so...I'd like to think that he, like myself, does not consider children a huge priority.

You never know, though. One day I could get a call on a phone from some woman claiming that HE is her baby daddy...and at that point in time I'll collect my 50% from the relationship and move on. Because again, if a man knows you don't want kids and decides to be with you even though he thinks he MIGHT want another child, he has to live with that decision as well and respect you for that.

But stand firm. Don't let him pressure you. If he loves you he will respect how you feel and want the best for you, and if the best thing for you is no children, then he will understand that and know that your body is your OWN and YOU make those decisions!

[leothelnss]

Originally Posted by cooper1

WOW! This is a great thread! I live this every day of my life!
My husband and I have been together for 9 yrs (married for almost 6) and when we started dating he already had two kids (at the time 7 and 4) from his previous marriage. I was "OK" about it, although everyone I know warned me about being involved with someone who has kids and potentially becoming their step-mom one day. Well, we ended up getting married when I was 29 and ever since then everyone has been asking me "when are you going to have a baby???". I say "we are not going to have children. I have two step-kids" (now 13 and 16) and then I always get that same response...."oh, honey, you are young, and it is so different when they are your own. You'll change your mind". Hmmm....really..... am I a complete failure as a woman because I am making thise choice??? I am supposed to make babies, right? That is the natural order of life, right???.... it drives me crazy....
DH has always been very sweet and open with me, even when we were thinking about marriage, saying things like "I am fine if you want to have kids one day, but I am also OK not to because I have two kids...." you know, things like that. I have watched as my best friend is raising her two kids and my closest sister had her baby nearly 3 yrs ago. I have struggled so much over the years with "WHY don't I want kids???" and "Is there something wrong with me?" or "Will I regret this one day???"
Now, I have just turned 35 and I am finally at ease with the whole thing. I DON'T WANT KIDS. That's just it. I don't. There is nothing wrong with me, or anyone else here who makes this conscious decision. This decision DOES NOT make us any less of a woman.

....I have to add here: I really love my dog!!!

Good for you, Coop!
By the way - I thought you were 20 from your pics in the HH thread!! Imagine my suprise!

[WithFrises]

I thought this was a good thread for me to post in, but the two posts by Sunshine have soured me from sharing this part of my life on tPF. Are the child-free treated differently around here? I refuse to sit here and watch what I say/type, god forbid I annoy someone with my 'anti-child' chit chat. Maybe I'm missing something because I didn't read through the previous child-free threads. If there are parents here who don't like to hear how their lifestyle doesn't suit me, that's fine. They shouldn't read what I have to say... I'm not in the parenting threads telling them whether or not they should breastfeed or vaccinate.

If anyone who is child-free or considering not having children wants to chat about this privately, feel free to PM me because I do not think I am going to post about this publicly in tPF anymore.

[candace117]

Originally Posted by nataliam1976

hugs right back at ya, miss

I would tell you not to waste your time reading most of it, but I forgot for a moment who I am talking to. Read away, just dont end up posting more there than here!


If you dont mind me asking, did you tell your DH from the beginning that you dont want to have kids? Or did you decide to cross that bridge later?

I always made a point of saying it to somebody I was thinking of having a serious relationship with. I have to take enough crap about it from other people, I wouldnt be able to handle it in a later stage when i got attached to someone from that very person, KWIM?

My SO knew from the beginning, he has a child from his marriage and is OK with not having any more. Any shade of doubt in his voice when we talked about it and we wouldnt be where we are now...

It was kind of vague when we met, but I was also a lot newer to the military when we got together (He was in Iraq and I hadn't gone to basic training yet) so I didn't know that I was going to make this into my career. I was still in college and life could go so many different ways afterward, I didn't want to limit myself!
But now that I have found my working habits (I am an utter workaholic and I love it) I feel it would be a bad idea to bring children into this world right now. Especially when DH can get called in to go on a mission at 3 am (he's a flight medic). And if he gets called in to do that, you bet your butt I'm going to come in and do my support role (operations)....but having kids? I wouldn't be able to do that. And that would piss me off! Fo realz!

I felt that after thinking about it for quite some time, I should let DH know how I was feeling. Of course he was a bit sad but has even offered to look into a vasectomy so I wouldn't have to keep taking BC pills nor would I have to get a tubal ligation. We're nowhere near making that final decision but I thought it was really nice of him to offer that up before it even became an issue.

A small part of me is a little dismayed because I know we would have really cool little people together. I just don't want to give up my goals to raise them

[nataliam1976]

Withfrises, yes we did have some unpleasant comments about the choice we made. But I hope we will manage to stay on the support track here and
it would be great if you didnt leave us.

A suggestion for everyone : if we get provocative or rude or lacking support posts, please just ignore them and keep the thread on track. I think its the most effective behaviour in the case.

[nataliam1976]

Originally Posted by Sunshine

I have been asked not to close this thread as it is meant for SUPPORT only. I do feel there are a few threads that are very similiar. If this is truly meant for support, great...not debates.

Hey Sunshine !

There is a similar thread already but it was pointed out to us that Megs herself said its a thread open for debate and different opinions. We would be grateful for having this strictly support thread as many other members with different issues here have.

[shoppingisme]

Originally Posted by caxe

Because again, if a man knows you don't want kids and decides to be with you even though he thinks he MIGHT want another child, he has to live with that decision as well and respect you for that.

But stand firm. Don't let him pressure you. If he loves you he will respect how you feel and want the best for you, and if the best thing for you is no children, then he will understand that and know that your body is your OWN and YOU make those decisions!

wonderful post caxe.

i think a lot of times we as women are hesitant to tell a man we don't want kids. we are so conditioned to be believe we have no opitions outside of voluntary motherhood that many women feel we have to skirt around the issue. you know the, "am i strange for feeling like this?" feelings. when we are honest about it, we get this look A LOT!

lol. but you have to be upfront. if a man marries you and you've done YOUR due diligence and told him the truth about your stance on children, then he is at fault for trying to change you or "accidently" get you pregnant -- heard of stories like this too.

you have to marry someone who agrees with you on this and respects your choice not to bear children.

[nataliam1976]

Originally Posted by Rhose

We're both willing to compromise for the love of the other, but who should have to? How do you make a decision like that? How do you measure which is the lesser sacrifice and thus the best course of action?

I don't want anyone else. And neither does he. Neither of us would break up over this. We just love each other too much. But in doing so we want the other to be happy and fulfilled! It's so hard.

Please share your thoughts on this. Anyone who I try to talk to about this just says... you guessed it... "Oh, don't be silly! You'll change your mind when you get older!". And maybe I even will - it does happen - but what if I don't?

I can of course only say for myself, but I made a lot of compromises entering my current ( and hopefully last ) relationship. I made it clear from the beginning that we would not have kids and that its something non negotiable. Among other reasons because I feel that compromising here would make me miserable and unhappy and very possibly destroy the relationship, so lets face it it would be pointless.

You say that you are sure you will not break up over this, thats a big plus. Do you feel that your DH is desperate for kids ? Do you feel that for him you would be able to risk it and try? For me it was always a main concern. I have never felt the need and everyone kept saying - it will come. How do they know? It doesnt always come and it puts an emormous strain and drama on the relationship with the child ( my most famous example of it, Brigitte Bardot). Is it worth possibly ruining your and your child´s life just to find out if your maternal instict kicked in? Not for me.

I just think that a child, a human being should not be a subject of such experiment. A child should be born wanted by both of its parents, KWIM?

[cooper1]

Originally Posted by leothelnss

Good for you, Coop!
By the way - I thought you were 20 from your pics in the HH thread!! Imagine my suprise!

LOL! Thank you!
Totally OT (sorry!), but I have worked for a dermatologist for over 12 yrs now, so I get all the good stuff and try to take care of my skin. My husband is 46, and he is black and has that beautiful "ageless" brown skin, and everyone thinks we are both in our 20's. We are both very young at heart, and we hope to keep it that way forever, regardless of our actual age.
That's what's most important, right?!

....I think if I had kids I would look 55! LOL!

[nataliam1976]

Originally Posted by cooper1

LOL! Thank you!
Totally OT (sorry!), but I have worked for a dermatologist for over 12 yrs now, so I get all the good stuff and try to take care of my skin. My husband is 46, and he is black and has that beautiful "ageless" brown skin, and everyone thinks we are both in our 20's. We are both very young at heart, and we hope to keep it that way forever, regardless of our actual age.
That's what's most important, right?!

....I think if I had kids I would look 55! LOL!

I need to see the pics!! Can somebody direct me to HH thread please?