Not keen on having kids SUPPORT THREAD

ShelleyBaby · Oct 5th, 2008, 05:49 PM

I have mixed feelings on this. I sometimes feel like I'd love to have a family of my own, kids to buy things for and to watch grow up. I'd love them to have everything I haven't and see them happy. I'd bring them up to be respectful of others, kind and caring.
On the other hand, I feel like this is never going to happen for me because I'm too much of a closed book and I don't really want a man in my life. I sometimes feel that I'd be happier alone and doing what I want to do, which is what I am right now.

It's a confusing subject for me.

killerstrawbery · Oct 5th, 2008, 05:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Loganz

Hiya - are the hottest guys still in Brick Township? lol!

LOL, i wouldnt know, i grew up sheltered

WithFrises · Oct 5th, 2008, 06:48 PM

Loganz - I didn't realize until a few years into my marriage that I wasn't feeling the kid thing. I was very lucky that my DH's response was that he married me for me and not for kids.

As far as NJ, it's like everywhere else where the majority is married with kids. You just find the people who you like, and as long as they respect your life choices and vice versa, it doesn't matter if they have kids or not. I find that if you try to be friends with someone because of one similar thing, no matter how significant, it doesn't always make for a great friendship.

Sunshine · Oct 5th, 2008, 06:49 PM

This topic frightens me a little only because in the past it has gotten a little cut throat. Please just be nice to each other, and respect all feelings. This can be quite helpful to many! (just a friendly reminder) Thanks!!!

Sunshine · Oct 5th, 2008, 09:00 PM

I have been asked not to close this thread as it is meant for SUPPORT only. I do feel there are a few threads that are very similiar. If this is truly meant for support, great...not debates.

jellybebe · Oct 5th, 2008, 09:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by candace117

Thanks for starting this, Natalia!!!

I'm still reading through the other thread :eyeroll:

I don't want to have kids, for various reasons, and the only thing that makes me sad is that DH would be a very good dad and does want kids. So I don't know what is going to happen

I agree with you Candace! Who knows what the future will bring, but as it stands right now, I don't want kids. I want to get my career going first. I value children but I can't make that commitment right now.

Loganz · Oct 5th, 2008, 09:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShelleyBaby

It's a confusing subject for me.

It was a confusing subject for me too....and to be honest, time and circumstance had a lot to do with my ultimate decision to not have children.

Time, experience, and circumstance will serve as your guide too; in the meantime feel free to ask questions in this thread if you do need to talk through any of your feelings.

Redd · Oct 5th, 2008, 09:21 PM

Hooray, Nat- Hooray! Enough said.

chodessa · Oct 5th, 2008, 09:28 PM

I respect a woman's decision in not having children..
I am in my early 30's and still child free although I hope to blessed one day because I don't want to miss the opportunity of having a child and living with that regret...
My sister is 40 and knows she will NOT have children. She never had the pull inside her to want to be pregnant, to want to raise babies.... she has 2 stepdaughters and is perfectly content on having them in her life half of the week (her DH shares custody).
It was probably hardest for my Mom to accept from her because she is DYING for grandchildren!! So of course.....all the pressure falls on me now...

jan228 · Oct 5th, 2008, 09:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShelleyBaby

I have mixed feelings on this. I sometimes feel like I'd love to have a family of my own, kids to buy things for and to watch grow up. I'd love t

It's a confusing subject for me.

I know I will never want kids, but it's sort of a shame that my genius won't be passed down.

leothelnss · Oct 5th, 2008, 10:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sunshine

I have been asked not to close this thread as it is meant for SUPPORT only. I do feel there are a few threads that are very similiar. If this is truly meant for support, great...not debates.

I'm glad that there is a new thread for this... If you and other mods could please keep an eye on it for people who are looking to stir up trouble, it would be much appreciated.
This is obviously not the place to post reasons to have children, or question our decision not to unless they are trying to make one of their own... And if someone does come in here posting things like that, I think the ladies this thread was meant for would be much obliged if such posts could be removed. Thanks!!!

Rhose · Oct 5th, 2008, 10:27 PM

I'm really glad for a support thread too. I think now I'll feel comfortable posting something I wanted to post in the other thread, but didn't think it was worth having it thrown back in my face.

I want to hear from anyone who has or has had a SO who wants children when they don't. Mine would like to down the track. I've told him I don't want children and there's a good chance I never will. He doesn't really want to talk about it because he says it's too far off in the distance right now, but I'd rather get it sorted now than have mutual heartbreak in the future if neither of us change our mind.

He's said that he'd respect my decision to not have children if that's what I really wanted, that he wants me more. But... I love him. I really, really adore him and want him to be happy. I don't want him to miss out on children in the future if it's something he really wants. He's a wonderful partner and would be a very good father I believe. And, I think it really is something he wants. He's been in a relationship with a single mother before with a horror child. He knows first hand the strain a child can put on a relationship, even moreso than me. And he still wants one.

We're both willing to compromise for the love of the other, but who should have to? How do you make a decision like that? How do you measure which is the lesser sacrifice and thus the best course of action?

I don't want anyone else. And neither does he. Neither of us would break up over this. We just love each other too much. But in doing so we want the other to be happy and fulfilled! It's so hard.

Please share your thoughts on this. Anyone who I try to talk to about this just says... you guessed it... "Oh, don't be silly! You'll change your mind when you get older!". And maybe I even will - it does happen - but what if I don't?

Loganz · Oct 5th, 2008, 10:34 PM

Rhose - I thought I would adopt one day; only to find out my husband meant NO kids when he had previously said no kids - I guess I thought fostering or adopting was different. To be honest it was difficult to swallow this at first - I had spent a good deal of time imagining the type of mentor I would be.

However, in the end I remembered I married him, for better or for worse. If it was a decision I couldn't live with then I was free to exercise my free will and leave. However, I love him and I respect his decision and would never force my desires onto him - isn't that just psychological/emotional rape?

If down the road time passes and you two remain childfree than that was the course of action you were probably meant to follow = if things change than you will cross that bridge when you get there too. Just as you would not want to unduly want to influence him I am sure he feels the same way towards you. Your path will reveal itself to you - not to sound metaphysical and weird; it is just the case most of the time. We cannot force our destiny, you know?

SeriouslyChic · Oct 5th, 2008, 11:41 PM

Thank you Nataliam for starting this thread!! Thank you *soooo much*!!! I was actually debating never coming back to this subforum... so glad I did.

My own lil story: When I met my boyfriend I knew it was something special... he's an Eagle Scout and enjoys mentoring young, neighborhood kids. He's so smart and has so much knowledge to share... I had to sit him down about 6 months in and tell him I didn't want to end up a la "Brad and Jen."

I was petrified that he would says "well, I DO want kids." but I was sooo pleasantly surprised when he said "no way! no time soon! no time in the foreseeable future!" and almost four years later we have grown together, every day more and more certain into our decision to not have children.

Having said that - It has not been easy so far. I am only 26. People see me with my friend's babies and say "oh you're such a natural, you'll change your mind." What they don't realize is that I'm being polite. I'm holding the babies and playing with the toddlers because I know that those 15 minutes I do it will give my friends, the parents, a much needed 15 min. break!!! I have NO desire to have my own.

Quote:

Originally Posted by WithFrises

I am married 15+ years and have no children by choice. For some people it's a no brainer. I was one of the fence-sitters (years of excuses and half-hearted attempts trying to want a baby). I had some therapy to help me actually make the decision. I needed a neutral party to help me sort thought the whole thing. In the end, it became a no-brainer for me and DH.

WithFrises, when I read this I almost cried. I have spent the last 6 or 7 years wrestling with myself, wondering WHY I don't want kids. Everyone says my mind will change, but so far I've only gotten more resolute with my decision. My friends have gotten bitten by the baby bug,... it's all they talk about... and still, I have nothing... I can't picture myself EVER being pregnant. After awhile I really did start to question myself... The various threads on this were so refreshing... thanks for adding to this one!

killerstrawbery · Oct 5th, 2008, 11:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jan228

I know I will never want kids, but it's sort of a shame that my genius won't be passed down.

LUV this post! hehe :)

Oct 5th, 2008, 06:48 PM	#18
WithFrises bichons and bags	Loganz - I didn't realize until a few years into my marriage that I wasn't feeling the kid thing. I was very lucky that my DH's response was that he married me for me and not for kids. As far as NJ, it's like everywhere else where the majority is married with kids. You just find the people who you like, and as long as they respect your life choices and vice versa, it doesn't matter if they have kids or not. I find that if you try to be friends with someone because of one similar thing, no matter how significant, it doesn't always make for a great friendship. __________________ To err is human... to forgive, canine. \| smallpawsrescue.org

Oct 5th, 2008, 09:00 PM	#20
Sunshine Location: Key West, Florida	I have been asked not to close this thread as it is meant for SUPPORT only. I do feel there are a few threads that are very similiar. If this is truly meant for support, great...not debates. Last edited by Sunshine; Oct 5th, 2008 at 09:11 PM.

Oct 5th, 2008, 09:28 PM	#24
chodessa Hot Smot and Humble	I respect a woman's decision in not having children.. I am in my early 30's and still child free although I hope to blessed one day because I don't want to miss the opportunity of having a child and living with that regret... My sister is 40 and knows she will NOT have children. She never had the pull inside her to want to be pregnant, to want to raise babies.... she has 2 stepdaughters and is perfectly content on having them in her life half of the week (her DH shares custody). It was probably hardest for my Mom to accept from her because she is DYING for grandchildren!! So of course.....all the pressure falls on me now... __________________ SHE'S A COCO-NUT NOW!! CLICK MY AVATAR FOR THE CUTEST DOG PICS EVER!!

Oct 5th, 2008, 05:49 PM	#16
ShelleyBaby Member Location: Scotland	I have mixed feelings on this. I sometimes feel like I'd love to have a family of my own, kids to buy things for and to watch grow up. I'd love them to have everything I haven't and see them happy. I'd bring them up to be respectful of others, kind and caring. On the other hand, I feel like this is never going to happen for me because I'm too much of a closed book and I don't really want a man in my life. I sometimes feel that I'd be happier alone and doing what I want to do, which is what I am right now. It's a confusing subject for me.

Oct 5th, 2008, 06:49 PM	#19
Sunshine Location: Key West, Florida	This topic frightens me a little only because in the past it has gotten a little cut throat. Please just be nice to each other, and respect all feelings. This can be quite helpful to many! (just a friendly reminder) Thanks!!!

Oct 5th, 2008, 09:21 PM	#23
Redd No such thing as too many	Hooray, Nat- Hooray! Enough said.

Oct 5th, 2008, 10:27 PM	#27
Rhose Member Location: Australia	I'm really glad for a support thread too. I think now I'll feel comfortable posting something I wanted to post in the other thread, but didn't think it was worth having it thrown back in my face. I want to hear from anyone who has or has had a SO who wants children when they don't. Mine would like to down the track. I've told him I don't want children and there's a good chance I never will. He doesn't really want to talk about it because he says it's too far off in the distance right now, but I'd rather get it sorted now than have mutual heartbreak in the future if neither of us change our mind. He's said that he'd respect my decision to not have children if that's what I really wanted, that he wants me more. But... I love him. I really, really adore him and want him to be happy. I don't want him to miss out on children in the future if it's something he really wants. He's a wonderful partner and would be a very good father I believe. And, I think it really is something he wants. He's been in a relationship with a single mother before with a horror child. He knows first hand the strain a child can put on a relationship, even moreso than me. And he still wants one. We're both willing to compromise for the love of the other, but who should have to? How do you make a decision like that? How do you measure which is the lesser sacrifice and thus the best course of action? I don't want anyone else. And neither does he. Neither of us would break up over this. We just love each other too much. But in doing so we want the other to be happy and fulfilled! It's so hard. Please share your thoughts on this. Anyone who I try to talk to about this just says... you guessed it... "Oh, don't be silly! You'll change your mind when you get older!". And maybe I even will - it does happen - but what if I don't?

Oct 5th, 2008, 10:34 PM	#28
Loganz labs and bags Location: colorado	Rhose - I thought I would adopt one day; only to find out my husband meant NO kids when he had previously said no kids - I guess I thought fostering or adopting was different. To be honest it was difficult to swallow this at first - I had spent a good deal of time imagining the type of mentor I would be. However, in the end I remembered I married him, for better or for worse. If it was a decision I couldn't live with then I was free to exercise my free will and leave. However, I love him and I respect his decision and would never force my desires onto him - isn't that just psychological/emotional rape? If down the road time passes and you two remain childfree than that was the course of action you were probably meant to follow = if things change than you will cross that bridge when you get there too. Just as you would not want to unduly want to influence him I am sure he feels the same way towards you. Your path will reveal itself to you - not to sound metaphysical and weird; it is just the case most of the time. We cannot force our destiny, you know?