Not keen on having kids Support thread #2

[natalie78]

Just saw two friends post on Facebook that they are expecting. I posted a snarky remark to one of them. She and I have always given each other a hard time and if people didn't know any better, they would probably think we hated each other. Anyway, she got snarky right back with me, which is what I expected. What I didn't expect was all her friends writing nasty comments about me. I am half expecting some of them to hunt me down and cover me in tar and feathers. These people don't even know me!

[Hessefan]

Ignore them. If I had your guts I would post comments like that to all the friends who are currently expecting and sending me ultrasound scan pictures of their babies and christmas cards with their kids' photos in them...
And if they send me one more picture of their kids sitting on a pumpkin or rolling around in autumnal leaves, than I probably will...sigh!

[natalie78]

I haven't had much trouble with people sending pictures of their kids. My sister used to send me school and holiday pictures of her boys, but she eventually stopped. I never mentioned anything about them, so I hoping that she realized that I'm not all that interested. I always feel awkward when someone shows me a picture of their child. I have no idea what to say. I usually just tell them that he or she is cute and change the subject. I really get stuck when they ask if I would like a copy.

[Hessefan]

I think my problem is that apart from my parents I haven't told many people that I don't like kids that much. Years ago my best childhood friend got pregnant at 23 and she cut me out of her life completely because she apparently thought I was judging her for having a child fairly young. She never told me this herself, just cut me out because "we had nothing in common". And it wasn't even the case, just when she told me on the phone she was pregnant she said that she had had a nervouse breakdown, so I tried to be sympathetic and asked her what she wanted to do, assuming she was upset about the pregnancy. Turns out she wasn't and I was the bad guy. Anyway, since then I have always been a bit weary of telling people what I think about having kids. And when I do tell people I don't want any myself, I get the typical response that I will regret it, have no one to look after me when I am old and must surely be abnormal.
If my friends have kids and are excited about it, I am genuinely happy for them, so they probably just assume I'd be thrilled to get pictures and hear about the latest adventures of their little ones.
I guess when I first had a dog and cats I was quite excited and thought they were the cutest animals that ever lived, so I can sort of understand it.

[eckertle]

I need some advice/support...
My mom babysits my sister's children every Friday night and most Saturdays so that my sister can have alone time (she's a housewife during the week, so it's a nice break for her on the weekend). My mom thought that this weekend, however, she would be free on Saturday after 10am, so we made plans to go shopping and check out these amazing sales right now. I took off of work so that it could happen (I normally work very long hours during the week and on weekends). My mom just found out tonight that my sister expects her to babysit tomorrow, so she canceled our shopping plans. I just found out, so now I have the day off of work, but it's too late to make other appts. (i.e. haircut, wax, etc.). Most of my friends are busy tomorrow and DH has to work, so I'm feeling pretty lonely. I miss being able to spend time with my parents without the kids around. I even invited my mom to bring them, but "it wouldn't be fun for them". My sister keeps saying, "You'll understand when you have kids" but I don't want kids and I wouldn't expect my parents to babysit my kids EVERY weekend.

Has anyone else gone through this? How do you cope when your family revolves around kids but you can't stand them?!

[conrad18]

Originally Posted by BittyMonkey

So I know they are constantly feeling like I'm a disappointment in that regard. My father has this idea that women who don't have kids are selfish.

RANT

I hate HATE *HATE* this way of thinking. Im selfish because I dont want to have children?! WTF? Why does that make me selfish?!! I hear this all the time, sometimes even from other people who dont want kids themselves, "Oh we're too selfish to have kids." No, it means you know what you want and you're following what's best for you regardless of societal pressure to pop out as many tax deductions as possible. That does NOT make you selfish.

/END RANT

[karmenzsofia]

Originally Posted by eckertle

I need some advice/support... My mom babysits my sister's children every Friday night and most Saturdays so that my sister can have alone time (she's a housewife during the week, so it's a nice break for her on the weekend). My mom thought that this weekend, however, she would be free on Saturday after 10am, so we made plans to go shopping and check out these amazing sales right now. I took off of work so that it could happen (I normally work very long hours during the week and on weekends). My mom just found out tonight that my sister expects her to babysit tomorrow, so she canceled our shopping plans. I just found out, so now I have the day off of work, but it's too late to make other appts. (i.e. haircut, wax, etc.). Most of my friends are busy tomorrow and DH has to work, so I'm feeling pretty lonely. I miss being able to spend time with my parents without the kids around. I even invited my mom to bring them, but "it wouldn't be fun for them". My sister keeps saying, "You'll understand when you have kids" but I don't want kids and I wouldn't expect my parents to babysit my kids EVERY weekend. Has anyone else gone through this? How do you cope when your family revolves around kids but you can't stand them?!

Sooo...your sister can't get a babysitter one day? I don't blame you for feeling left out. IMO, your mother should've told your sister she already made plans with you and that this time she (your sister) would have to find a sitter. I understand that kids are a priority, but you're your mother's "kid"--aren't you?

I've seen this happen over and over--one sibling has kids and all of the sudden grandma is supposed to be available any day, any time...favors are expected...financial help is expected...boundaries are dropped...

You went out of your way to have mom-time. Does your mother know that? Does your sister know that? I would tell them both.

[eckertle]

Originally Posted by karmenzsofia

I've seen this happen over and over--one sibling has kids and all of the sudden grandma is supposed to be available any day, any time...favors are expected...financial help is expected...boundaries are dropped... You went out of your way to have mom-time. Does your mother know that? Does your sister know that? I would tell them both.

You are SO right about boundaries being dropped. I can't imagine asking for the things that my sister's asked for. My sister is a housewife, but expects my mom (who works full-time) to babysit EVERY Friday night and Saturday day. It's insane. It's really frustrating that my mom says "yes" without even hesitating. I just would never even ask for that.

They both know how I feel, but my feelings don't matter because we're on totally different wavelengths. They honestly don't understand NOT wanting to have the kids around, kwim? I look like the selfish one for not accommodating their schedule.

[elizat]

^ How frustrating. I understand that people need a break, but come on, EVERY Friday and Saturday? That is crazy, but I also think there is a problem on your mom's end.

I'm sorry she broke the plans with you- that was not nice at all. I'm sorry you don't think that they care about your feelings- I think that is just plain crappy. I understand loving your grandkids, but to the point where you upset your own child to make accommodations that aren't necessary crosses a line. I don't know what to say other than I'm sorry and hope you are able to enjoy the day, even with the change of plans.

[Hessefan]

Goodness, how RUDE of your sister and mum! I don't have a sister, but know that my mum would be exactly the same way if I did or if she was babysitting anyone else's kids. I think you should do your best to find a day spa that can squeeze you in, go shopping by yourself and buy non-mummy-friendly clothes (really high heels or so) and watch the Sex & the City episode in which Carrie celebrates her non-married status in order to get money back for expensive shoes she lost at a baby shower. You don't even have to tell them, just make it a day to celebrate your freedom.

I am not that excited about today either, as my DH invited one of his friends over to watch a rugby game this afternoon, and the friend is bringing his two kids (both under 3). I'm not sure what to do really, whether it would be rude to just take the dog for a really long walk, or whether I am expected to entertain them? Sigh. Things we do for love.

[karmenzsofia]

TBH, no one asked your permission to bring the kids or asked you to babysit, so their expectations, IMO, aren't any more important or valid than yours. To bring those kids to your house expecting that you--the woman--will find the kids adorable and drop whatever you're doing to take care of them would be unfair and rude. Have you asked your hubby how his friend plans to watch the game and watch the kids at the same time? Will they be napping? Is the friend divorced? If so, this could be his day or weekend with the kids; otherwise, why would he bring them? One could argue that he should be spending the time with them, paying attention to them and not to a game on TV while a stranger looks after his kids. Yet I understand how important sports are to some people. I would leave and go do my own thing while they watch the game.

[Hessefan]

Well, they just left! My DH did ask if it was okay if they came over, and since he doesn't do that very often and we need to make more friends since we just moved I said yes. They didn't really expect me to watch them, I just thought the whole thing would be really awkward, but it was fine. His friend isn't divorced, but his wife was away at a conference for the day and kept phoning, asking how he was coping. He didn't really have a very relaxed time watching the game, but it was alright.
Just confirmed my belief that I don't find small children all that interesting and would have no patience for it if it was all day, every day. I guess people must get something out of it, just not sure what. Seems exhausting.

[karmenzsofia]

I'm glad it turned out OK after all.

[Beenie]

Crystalina, I will find that article at home and scan it and maybe post it here. I think everyone will like this article.

Hessefan, glad it all went well.

[Hessefan]

It did go well, but lo and behold-my husband told me about a "moment" he had with his friend. The older boy had to go to the toilet at some point, so I offered to hold the 6 month old baby while dad went to attend to toilet duties. DH said it was proof that people see what they want to, as he saw me looking awkward as if I was holding an alien, whilst smiling uncomfortably, whereas his friend gave him a knowing smile and nod, to say that of course I was wanting children, just a matter of time. DH had told him earlier that we didn't want children, only to get the patronising "Just wait until the clock starts ticking" speech. Nevermind that I am in my thirties and no alarm has gone off anywhere. And should we ever dare to change our minds and have children, then of course all these people will have known all along.

Whilst I am ranting, can I just add how SICK I am of hordes of children running, jumping and crawling across our front yard twice a day (To and from school), whilst their mothers look on laughing, and I can't go out and yell at them to get the h..l off my lawn, as that is not socially acceptable unless you are 75 and have a shotgun. Today they were actually picking flowers off, and last week they hung from our tree and rode their bikes across and nearly crashed into my car. It's not the kids I dislike, just their parents. Rant end.