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nataliam1976 · Nov 4th, 2009, 04:07 AM

Originally Posted by LibraChic107

My boyfriend wants to have a family eventually and stated to me that he would not marry me if i did not want kids. I am in my mid-twenties and i do not want children anytime soon but am unsure if i will ever want children. What would you say to him in my situation? I don't want to lie but i don't know what i want at this point....

this is too important to leave it hanging. We had posters here divorcing because of that issue. You need to think long and hard what you want and if you are prepared to have kids for your hubby even if it turns out you still dont want them further along the road. If you are not ready for this, I would seriously reconsider my options if I were you. Those issues do not go away, they can only get worse.

And this is why in every relationship I was in I let my partner know that I dont want kids first thing. I need to make it clear before I become serious with anyone.

nataliam1976 · Nov 4th, 2009, 04:13 AM

Originally Posted by Junkenpo

Y'know.... now that I'm pregnant (and I'm not a happy pregnant woman) I sometimes wish I could tell my female students--i teach high school--not only should they not get pregnant in high school, but also that if they don't want to get pregnant ever or have kids, they should hang onto & trust that feeling.

I'm living with my decision & I know I'll be a good mom & love my child, but there still is a side of me that wishes DH didn't feel the need to have kids.

Im sorry, sweetheart

Kansashalo · Nov 4th, 2009, 08:16 AM

Originally Posted by LibraChic107

My boyfriend wants to have a family eventually and stated to me that he would not marry me if i did not want kids. I am in my mid-twenties and i do not want children anytime soon but am unsure if i will ever want children. What would you say to him in my situation? I don't want to lie but i don't know what i want at this point....

You should tell him what you just wrote. Just like you need to decide what to do, so does your BF. You both have to assess whether or not you want to continue the relationship or move on to someone that 100% shares your view of kids (whether its yes, no or maybe).

Good luck OP!

elizat · Nov 4th, 2009, 09:10 AM

^ Exactly! I have the same feelings and although I'm single and not even interested in dating at this time, when I do decide I'm open to dating, I'll be making the same thing clear. That way, everyone is on the same page.

saccharine · Nov 4th, 2009, 10:44 AM

Originally Posted by Junkenpo

Y'know.... now that I'm pregnant (and I'm not a happy pregnant woman) I sometimes wish I could tell my female students--i teach high school--not only should they not get pregnant in high school, but also that if they don't want to get pregnant ever or have kids, they should hang onto & trust that feeling.

I'm living with my decision & I know I'll be a good mom & love my child, but there still is a side of me that wishes DH didn't feel the need to have kids.

Best wishes on your pregnancy. I hope things get better as you go further along in your term.

My husband and I are both ambivalent about having children. It would be hard if he was totally into it and I was meh about it. I can't imagine how bittersweet it must be for you.

natalie78 · Nov 4th, 2009, 04:04 PM

DH knew within a week of meeting that I was not into child bearing. I didn't even want any kind of "maybe one day" thoughts crossing his mind.

Junkenpo · Nov 4th, 2009, 11:06 PM

Thanks for the sympathy folks!

Growing up, I never really thought one way or the other about having kids.... I figured it was just a part of getting married, circle of life, etc.... And then I dated the guy before DH. We were together for nearly 5 years and he definitively did not want kids. The longer we were together, the more comfortable I became with the idea. I've never been the motherly type, so it didn't feel like a loss.

With DH, I knew he wanted kids.... and I since i don't hate kids & I figured it would be an experience to be pregnant & raise at least one. I knew what I was potentially agreeing to when I married him. DH is GREAT with kids and I'd like to see him with one of his own. I think he'll be the more hands-on parent...sort of a gender-role reversal for us.

But my experience with being pregnant has not been comfortable and I'm not going to do it again. DH knows it & says he'll be content with one and not push for more.

But, if DH had been like my ex, I wouldn't have felt like I was missing out. I do think if a person is absolutely sure they don't want kids, they shouldn't get married to someone who does & vice versa... that would be just be asking too much of each other.

Crystalina · Nov 5th, 2009, 04:48 AM

OMG I am sooooooooooooo annoyed.

So tonight I go over to a friend's house. She has a 5 year old. I am a former teach who tutors on the side and I go over to her house a few times a week to do reading lessons.

Well, tonight I was over there and after a 45 min lesson, we played with her son for about a half hour (pure, unadulterated, ''oh my isn't he cute and isn't this fun'' time).

So the evening is winding down and he by the tv and she and I are staning in the doorway b/w kitchen and living room. I start to tell her a funny story about something that happened to me and *I swear* she cuts me off like she doesn't even freaking here me and goes into the living room to check on him and change the tv channel per his request. (Keep in mind I was a good minute into the story). Then after changing the channel for him, she says, ''Oh, did you see what ''Michael'' drew at school today? It's just fabulous!!!!''

HELLO????

I hate it when womens' brains turn to mush and they are no longer the person they used to be, just because they freaking gave birth! It's like nothing else matters but the kid. I hate to say it, but being friends with her is difficult. And boring.

natalie78 · Nov 5th, 2009, 08:12 AM

^ I would have returned the favor and walked out.

My sister does that crap...we will be standing outside and one of the kids will yell for her. She'll stop mid-sentence to go inside to see what they want. And we're not talking a scream like someone is hurt or something is wrong. Just because they want her to get something for them. It drives me up a wall.

Beenie · Nov 5th, 2009, 12:15 PM

^^ this is a reason me and some old and dear friends and I are growing apart. Is there really nothing else to talk about after kids?

I read a story last night that I was super interested in and it was in an older Elle. It is a story about why women need not think everyone else cares about their kids and that she, as a parent, wished women didn't try to talk to her about her child so they could "bond." I really liked it. Showed that not all women are like that with kids. And I bet she IS a really great mom!

Aslan · Nov 5th, 2009, 01:29 PM

Originally Posted by Junkenpo

But my experience with being pregnant has not been comfortable and I'm not going to do it again. DH knows it & says he'll be content with one and not push for more.

Trust me, your experience is not unique. Many women don't find pregnancy very comfortable. Don't feel like a weirdo.

natalie78 · Nov 5th, 2009, 01:32 PM

Well, I have been known to bond with other people at Petsmart or the park when I have my dogs with me.

karmenzsofia · Nov 5th, 2009, 01:42 PM

Originally Posted by Crystalina

OMG I am sooooooooooooo annoyed.

So tonight I go over to a friend's house. She has a 5 year old. I am a former teach who tutors on the side and I go over to her house a few times a week to do reading lessons.

Well, tonight I was over there and after a 45 min lesson, we played with her son for about a half hour (pure, unadulterated, ''oh my isn't he cute and isn't this fun'' time).

So the evening is winding down and he by the tv and she and I are staning in the doorway b/w kitchen and living room. I start to tell her a funny story about something that happened to me and *I swear* she cuts me off like she doesn't even freaking here me and goes into the living room to check on him and change the tv channel per his request. (Keep in mind I was a good minute into the story). Then after changing the channel for him, she says, ''Oh, did you see what ''Michael'' drew at school today? It's just fabulous!!!!''

HELLO????

I hate it when womens' brains turn to mush and they are no longer the person they used to be, just because they freaking gave birth! It's like nothing else matters but the kid. I hate to say it, but being friends with her is difficult. And boring.

So rude...I hate that. I also hate it when they allow the kids (not babies or toddlers) to continually interrupt phone conversations. I've asked a couple of them if there's anything preventing them of telling the kids "I'm no the phone."

Crystalina · Nov 5th, 2009, 03:24 PM

Originally Posted by Beenie

^^ this is a reason me and some old and dear friends and I are growing apart. Is there really nothing else to talk about after kids?

I read a story last night that I was super interested in and it was in an older Elle. It is a story about why women need not think everyone else cares about their kids and that she, as a parent, wished women didn't try to talk to her about her child so they could "bond." I really liked it. Showed that not all women are like that with kids. And I bet she IS a really great mom!

Oh goodness I want to read that article! LOL

I used to think my friend was a really good mom. I really did, but now I honestly think she's alienting her son from his father and fostering some REALLY negative ideas and behavior. Let's just say this.....on friday nights, she and this 5 year old go to the spa for massages. Is it just me, or is that weird? Let your kid be your kid, don't let him absorb any fallout from the divorce and go get your own set of friends to head to the spa with....not with a child!

Which brings me to another point. I don't have kids---so what if I want to go to the spa on on a Friday night for some TLC. Don't I deserve to go there free from the noise and hoopla created by a kindergardener?

*sigh*

natalie78 · Nov 5th, 2009, 03:31 PM

I cannot imagine that a massage is a good thing for a child that young. They are still developing and muscle manipulation can be bad. Excessive back muscle manipulation can cause tears in the brain stem area. I read up on brain stem injury when a coworker's 17-year-old son had several strokes, and that specific think was discussed in the article. I'll see if I can find it. Your friend may need a copy.

Nov 4th, 2009, 09:10 AM	#844
elizat Member Joined: Sep 2007 Posts: 9,123	^ Exactly! I have the same feelings and although I'm single and not even interested in dating at this time, when I do decide I'm open to dating, I'll be making the same thing clear. That way, everyone is on the same page.
elizat Member Joined: Sep 2007 Posts: 9,123	__________________ Click to donate to rescue and shelter pets for free! http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com/c...1237.ctgProd02 My blog of odds and ends

Nov 4th, 2009, 11:06 PM	#847
Junkenpo LVoebird! Joined: Jan 2007 Location: 2500 miles from any continental landmass Posts: 3,064	Thanks for the sympathy folks! Growing up, I never really thought one way or the other about having kids.... I figured it was just a part of getting married, circle of life, etc.... And then I dated the guy before DH. We were together for nearly 5 years and he definitively did not want kids. The longer we were together, the more comfortable I became with the idea. I've never been the motherly type, so it didn't feel like a loss. With DH, I knew he wanted kids.... and I since i don't hate kids & I figured it would be an experience to be pregnant & raise at least one. I knew what I was potentially agreeing to when I married him. DH is GREAT with kids and I'd like to see him with one of his own. I think he'll be the more hands-on parent...sort of a gender-role reversal for us. But my experience with being pregnant has not been comfortable and I'm not going to do it again. DH knows it & says he'll be content with one and not push for more. But, if DH had been like my ex, I wouldn't have felt like I was missing out. I do think if a person is absolutely sure they don't want kids, they shouldn't get married to someone who does & vice versa... that would be just be asking too much of each other.
	__________________

Nov 5th, 2009, 04:48 AM	#848
Crystalina Member Joined: Mar 2007 Location: West Coast Posts: 712	OMG I am sooooooooooooo annoyed. So tonight I go over to a friend's house. She has a 5 year old. I am a former teach who tutors on the side and I go over to her house a few times a week to do reading lessons. Well, tonight I was over there and after a 45 min lesson, we played with her son for about a half hour (pure, unadulterated, ''oh my isn't he cute and isn't this fun'' time). So the evening is winding down and he by the tv and she and I are staning in the doorway b/w kitchen and living room. I start to tell her a funny story about something that happened to me and I swear she cuts me off like she doesn't even freaking here me and goes into the living room to check on him and change the tv channel per his request. (Keep in mind I was a good minute into the story). Then after changing the channel for him, she says, ''Oh, did you see what ''Michael'' drew at school today? It's just fabulous!!!!'' HELLO???? I hate it when womens' brains turn to mush and they are no longer the person they used to be, just because they freaking gave birth! It's like nothing else matters but the kid. I hate to say it, but being friends with her is difficult. And boring.
	__________________ ''Beauty fades, dumb is forever.'' ~ Judge Judy

Nov 4th, 2009, 04:04 PM	#846
natalie78 Dave's not here Joined: May 2008 Location: Texas Posts: 1,669	DH knew within a week of meeting that I was not into child bearing. I didn't even want any kind of "maybe one day" thoughts crossing his mind.

Nov 5th, 2009, 08:12 AM	#849
natalie78 Dave's not here Joined: May 2008 Location: Texas Posts: 1,669	^ I would have returned the favor and walked out. My sister does that crap...we will be standing outside and one of the kids will yell for her. She'll stop mid-sentence to go inside to see what they want. And we're not talking a scream like someone is hurt or something is wrong. Just because they want her to get something for them. It drives me up a wall.

Nov 5th, 2009, 12:15 PM	#850
Beenie is a Greedy Smurf Joined: Dec 2008 Location: Sunny Florida Posts: 643	^^ this is a reason me and some old and dear friends and I are growing apart. Is there really nothing else to talk about after kids? I read a story last night that I was super interested in and it was in an older Elle. It is a story about why women need not think everyone else cares about their kids and that she, as a parent, wished women didn't try to talk to her about her child so they could "bond." I really liked it. Showed that not all women are like that with kids. And I bet she IS a really great mom!

Nov 5th, 2009, 01:32 PM	#852
natalie78 Dave's not here Joined: May 2008 Location: Texas Posts: 1,669	Well, I have been known to bond with other people at Petsmart or the park when I have my dogs with me.

Nov 5th, 2009, 03:31 PM	#855
natalie78 Dave's not here Joined: May 2008 Location: Texas Posts: 1,669	I cannot imagine that a massage is a good thing for a child that young. They are still developing and muscle manipulation can be bad. Excessive back muscle manipulation can cause tears in the brain stem area. I read up on brain stem injury when a coworker's 17-year-old son had several strokes, and that specific think was discussed in the article. I'll see if I can find it. Your friend may need a copy.

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