Not keen on having kids Support thread #2

[HappyGrl2008]

I think this is an interesting thread. I'm 28, single and recently have been thinking about whether or not I want kids. I'm def still too young now (and too single, lol) but time keeps on ticking. I haven't decided yet. My sister had a child two years ago and it woke me up: it shocked me! Really! I guess I had a romanticized idea about having kids. But it's hard work and lots of worries. For the first time my mother told me about all the downsides of having kids, the baby blues, etc. And I realized that there were a lot of taboos surrounding it: it's only logical that new moms won't say how hard things are or that they might even regret having kids cause that would make them look like a bad mom.

The #1 question I get now is when I will have babies. I always joke to my mom that the only reason they're asking me this is because they want all other women to suffer like them too, lol!! Cause I'm having a pretty good life as a single gal, without all the worries and lack of sleep - and I wonder if those new moms ever miss having that.

But, I do applaud all moms out there!! And also all the ladies who decide to not have children, which might be an even bigger decision, IMO. I still haven't figured it out...I guess I'm curious about how I would do as a mom, but gosh, I really enjoy my independent life!! I think for me the key factor would be the potential husband...

[elizat]

Originally Posted by Roo

^^ I really have to hand it to people who have kids. I don't know how they do it. Honestly. I took care of my hub's kids when they were young, but they were pretty self sufficient. Babies are just 24/7 work!

They are. I don't know how ppl do it. I would be a zombie.

[elizat]

Originally Posted by HappyGrl2008

I think this is an interesting thread. I'm 28, single and recently have been thinking about whether or not I want kids. I'm def still too young now (and too single, lol) but time keeps on ticking. I haven't decided yet. My sister had a child two years ago and it woke me up: it shocked me! Really! I guess I had a romanticized idea about having kids. But it's hard work and lots of worries. For the first time my mother told me about all the downsides of having kids, the baby blues, etc. And I realized that there were a lot of taboos surrounding it: it's only logical that new moms won't say how hard things are or that they might even regret having kids cause that would make them look like a bad mom. The #1 question I get now is when I will have babies. I always joke to my mom that the only reason they're asking me this is because they want all other women to suffer like them too, lol!! Cause I'm having a pretty good life as a single gal, without all the worries and lack of sleep - and I wonder if those new moms ever miss having that. But, I do applaud all moms out there!! And also all the ladies who decide to not have children, which might be an even bigger decision, IMO. I still haven't figured it out...I guess I'm curious about how I would do as a mom, but gosh, I really enjoy my independent life!! I think for me the key factor would be the potential husband...

Very true! I am your age and single too. I am 90% no kids, w/ a slight possibility if I change my mind and meet someone great, that I really want to have a family with. Even then, I think I would likely adopt.

Babies are so much work and it's like having another job on top of your regular job, if you work. It is quite a balance to strike and I just don't think I am interested in learning how to strike the balance. Maybe I will change my mind one day, but I just am not a kid person.

ETA: I'm also afraid that if I did have kids about how they'd turn out. Would they be nerds and have no friends, would they do drugs and join a gang, commit crimes, not be intelligent and would I have to work to support them when I should be retired b/c they play video games in a basement all day? I know those are "what ifs" but you can't control what you get and what if it was terrible? What if they had some terrible disease that prohibited them from living a normal life? I'm just not the type to deal w/ special needs kids. Those that can do it are very gifted people and I just don't possess the patience or talent.

[coachlover1000]

I'm 37, my husband is 40. We've been married for 9 years, with no kids! That's how we've wanted it, that's how (before thanks to depo provera, now thanks to my hysterectomy) it's going to stay.
And guess what? Even better.....no regrets! I like kids, but am happy with our life the way it is.

[Jesskaz]

Originally Posted by elizat

Very true! I am your age and single too. I am 90% no kids, w/ a slight possibility if I change my mind and meet someone great, that I really want to have a family with. Even then, I think I would likely adopt. Babies are so much work and it's like having another job on top of your regular job, if you work. It is quite a balance to strike and I just don't think I am interested in learning how to strike the balance. Maybe I will change my mind one day, but I just am not a kid person. ETA: I'm also afraid that if I did have kids about how they'd turn out. Would they be nerds and have no friends, would they do drugs and join a gang, commit crimes, not be intelligent and would I have to work to support them when I should be retired b/c they play video games in a basement all day? I know those are "what ifs" but you can't control what you get and what if it was terrible? What if they had some terrible disease that prohibited them from living a normal life? I'm just not the type to deal w/ special needs kids. Those that can do it are very gifted people and I just don't possess the patience or talent.

Oh my gosh! I totally think all this stuff too. It's not just about having to care for a baby- it's the rest of your life.

[NagaJolokia]

My bf's mother has kept saying things like, "If she got pregnant, like if you accidentally got her pregnant, that would be so great b/c I've been wanting and pushing you to give me grandchildren." He doesn't ever want to have kids. I don't ever want to have kids. So, it definitely works out between us. We do laugh and have jokingly gagged @ her remarks. He would respond, "I think I'm going to puke out what I just ate." at her "baby" comments.

Yeah, it's not just about babies, it's until their 18, twenties, thirties, whenever b/c you have this parental obligation depending on how they turn out to give to them, provide for them, etc. even when it comes down to your will. Like, I have my parents down for my will, but I also have environmental charities too, and if I had kids, I know that I wouldn't have to include them, but it is this assumed obligation, you know? It's always, "Oh, I have to do this for them. *Now* I can attend to what I want/need for what *I* believe. And, that is w/ almost every aspect of your life. Can you travel to your favorite cities this day or that day or will your son or daughter need you? Can you spend money on your education now or will it have to go their college fund? Can you donate to help space exploration, cure cancer, prevent global warming or will that money need to go to your children? Half and half? But, I'd rather have X much more to help out this cause. Yeah, it's true that they would be adults and have to have independence and be self-sufficient enough to not need me, but what if they need/want help? They don't turn to their friends, and then they turn to their bloodline? It's that extra body or more that you could've have prevented that you now have to be put on a guilt trip for if you don't or provide for your entire life or most of it if you do.

Great points on how they would turn out too. They may not be very bright at all, have a genetic disease that's debilitating, be a societal menace, have Down Syndrome, have a lot of junk DNA in general, lol, be prone to cancer, etc.! There are so many things that you could subject them to beyond your control! You would be at fault for producing them in whatever way.

[Skinny]

Hi there...I've never posted here but I have been lurking and reading all of your comments about not wanting to have kids. I have been with my fiance for 5 1/2 years...we plan on getting married oneday....no big rush though. We have talked about having kids but we both are kind of 80% sure we don't and 20% we do. I just don't think it is for us...his mom wants us to have kids sooo bad but I don't see it happening honestly. We both agreed to open the subject up again when we are in our thirties which is still a good 7 years away! I'm so glad there is a thread out there like this one...it explains exactly how I feel. Sorry for my rambling!!!

[chinahopes]

Originally Posted by elizat

They are. I don't know how ppl do it. I would be a zombie.

I have 2 kids under 2, and I'll tell you, it's not easy, and it's not fun, yet. Especially with a workaholic DH. It's rewarding, just not easy or fun.

[boomie]

Originally Posted by chinahopes

I have 2 kids under 2, and I'll tell you, it's not easy, and it's not fun, yet. Especially with a workaholic DH. It's rewarding, just not easy or fun.

Whoa, you've got your hands full! I don't know how moms do it either...I'd be a mess.

[No Cute]

^^^I was a total mess when my boys were little. Comes with the territory for a lot of Moms. Some manage well, most seem to struggle with the fatigue and stress. As Chinahopes says, rewarding but hard, not fun but amazing.

[ami kio]

Originally Posted by elizat

ETA: I'm also afraid that if I did have kids about how they'd turn out. Would they be nerds and have no friends, would they do drugs and join a gang, commit crimes, not be intelligent and would I have to work to support them when I should be retired b/c they play video games in a basement all day? I know those are "what ifs" but you can't control what you get and what if it was terrible? What if they had some terrible disease that prohibited them from living a normal life? I'm just not the type to deal w/ special needs kids. Those that can do it are very gifted people and I just don't possess the patience or talent.

Those are the exact same thoughts that I have! I joked with a friend that I would gladly have kids if I only had to keep them for the first 10-12yrs of life.

[csre]

Originally Posted by stemidy

Show me a puppy ( or any kind of baby animal) and I just go "aww" and melt. Show me a baby, and nothing happens. I think they are cute and all but I don't know, it just doesn't feel natural to act that way towards babies.

lol, this is exactly how i feel, it is so nice to learn i am not alone

[Couturegrl]

So I have a question -- how do you guys handle the question of "oh, when are you going to/why don't you want to have children?"

I always struggle with the answer. Part of me wants to say something that shows my irritation with the question, but the other part of me wants to be very polite.

Help!

[Spinky]

Originally Posted by Couturegrl

So I have a question -- how do you guys handle the question of "oh, when are you going to/why don't you want to have children?" I always struggle with the answer. Part of me wants to say something that shows my irritation with the question, but the other part of me wants to be very polite. Help!

I go back and forth like this too. I tend to respond based on how the questions are asked. For example, if it's asked very judgmentally, I'll tend to show my irritation. However, if they ask me with genuine, kind curiosity, I'll probably explain a bit better (Although regardless, I still find the questions annoying and invasive).

[Loquita]

I just found this thread...it makes me not feel so alone. I am in my mid-30s and have been with my wonderful live-in partner for almost six years. We have an amazing little dog that we absolutely love. (In fact, I am sitting on the couch now and he's leaning on my shoulder, snoring like crazy).

I can't have children for health reasons, but I never really wanted them anyway...my mother, who is crazy for children/grandchildren, has always remarked with amazement how I didn't ever play with dolls and never showed any interest in babies. Even before I learned that I couldn't/shouldn't have children for medical reasons, I didn't really ever want them.

As horrid as it may sound, I feel some relief in knowing that I have what some people (problematically) consider the only "legitimate" excuse for not having children -- a medical one.

Thanks for starting this thread up again, Megs!