Not keen on having kids Support thread #2

[Crystalina]

Originally Posted by baglover529

Thank you edithw for making me feel like I am not alone in my situation. I don't want to regret not giving it a chance....but as my husband pointed out, regrets can be overcome. Especially if you don't know what you're missing. Maybe it's the fact that women are kinda expected to have that maternal instinct? And we would feel guilty if we didn't even try. I too love my life the way it is. I like children in general but only because I can leave them and go home to my own peaceful and quiet house. That 20% of me keeps wondering though that maybe I can raise a good child, one that lives up tp my standards. And that's what's also keeping me from saying with finality that I really don't want children 100%. I don't know.... I have been feeling this for a long time already. How to solve this dilemma?!

WOW, I could have written both of these posts (the ones by edith and baglady). I have the same internal conflict. I don't want chldren 100% eithar, so that's why I don't have them and won't until or unless that changes. HOWEVER, I worry about that. I worry that I too will miss out on something, regret it later if I don't have them (some argue what if you regret it if you DO have them---and that's a good point).

I have been working on trying to solve this issue for about a year and a half now.....and I'm still just as confused. I'm leaning towards not having, but there's A LOT of internal strife that goes with this sentiment.

[elizat]

Originally Posted by floridasun8

Just wanted to say that I agree with everyone about the animal thing lol I just cannot resist animals, particularly baby animals at all! I think there is nothing cuter in this world than a puppy sleeping!! I also understand the whole charity thing. I also dont like to see children suffer or hurt and I believe that anyone that hurts children or puts them in danger should be hung, but when it comes to charity, I feel that the default most often always seems to be childrens charities and when it comes to adult charities or charities for animals they are second-rate. I mean, everytime I hear a radio telethon, something on tv,things in the community, 9 times out of 10 they are for a kid charity. What about the animals or others that need help too? Therefore, I will PERSONALLY ONLY support charities for animals or those that also cater to adults with disabilities, elderly, etc because I feel those are so neglected.

I love animals. Period. Especially dogs- when I see a dog, I get all googly like my mom does over babies. I think some kids are cute, but I've never thought newborns were. Sorry, I just don't. When they get a bit older, sure, some kids are cute, sweet and fun. I'm biased there too- I much prefer little boys of the kids I find cute. Even then, my attention span is very limited. I've posted this before, but the only kid I have consistent patience with is my brother. If I ever did decide to have kids, I would really, really, really not want a girl.

With charities, I agree. I look at it another way too- there are tons and tons of advocates for children and all their issues. But, the US population just really doesn't care about the elderly. I'm sorry, but they don't. The elderly are not respected here like they are elsewhere. With animals, they can't speak up for themselves. Sure there are animal groups and activists, but so many animals are abused and treated like disposable objects even with that. We all have what tugs at us. I would rather give or volunteer for things that are not kid related. It is what it is, you know?

Oh- and I cry everytime the ad w/ Sarah McClauchlan (sp) comes on... I can't help it.

[Roo]

I've posted this before but this has been my experience with the no-kids thing:

When I was in my 20's, people would actually congratulate me for not wanting kids. But when you get older, it changes. Although I raised my hubby's kids for a number of years, I would still be asked intrusive questions about my decision not to have kids and also questioned by people I didn't know in ways that were pretty inappropriate.

It becomes intrusive after a while, since I don't go around questioning people about why they HAVE kids, ya know?

What I've also learned is that there are *some* women with children who view women without kids with suspicion and also feel threatened by them, I think. Before I get flamed-- I place emphasis on SOME because this is not ALL...

I think sadly that society sends a message to some women that after a certain age, having children can be viewed as baggage/liability and if they were to suddenly to become single, the child-free women are going to have an advantage in the dating world. I think a lot of this is subconscious and also I think that child free women are viewed with suspicion because some women secretly resent the independence they've lost because they are parents. I have found that since I'm in my 40s the questioning has died down a bit, and now I get more the sad face/sympathy responses, as if I should get pity because I don't have kids and now it's "too late"

The best advice I can give is to try to find friends that have made the same choices and stick with them. I do have friends with kids who understand but I also have tried to make friends with women who don't as well.

[edithw]

Crystalina wrote:
"WOW, I could have written both of these posts (the ones by edith and baglady). I have the same internal conflict. I don't want chldren 100% eithar, so that's why I don't have them and won't until or unless that changes. HOWEVER, I worry about that. I worry that I too will miss out on something, regret it later if I don't have them (some argue what if you regret it if you DO have them---and that's a good point).

I have been working on trying to solve this issue for about a year and a half now.....and I'm still just as confused. I'm leaning towards not having, but there's A LOT of internal strife that goes with this sentiment"


I've been trying to solve it for about 5 years, I thought that the passing years will bring some sort of an answer, but there is NO answer. It is scary because I am not that young any more, and there will be a time when it won't be a choice any more.

[ami kio]

Originally Posted by Roo

What I've also learned is that there are *some* women with children who view women without kids with suspicion and also feel threatened by them, I think. Before I get flamed-- I place emphasis on SOME because this is not ALL... I think sadly that society sends a message to some women that after a certain age, having children can be viewed as baggage/liability and if they were to suddenly to become single, the child-free women are going to have an advantage in the dating world. I think a lot of this is subconscious and also I think that child free women are viewed with suspicion because some women secretly resent the independence they've lost because they are parents.

IME, some of them are also are projecting and feel like we're judging them for having kids. Others feel like we're rejecting they're way of life (e.g. Catholic woman who couldn't understand why I didn't want kids b/c then I obviously wouldn't have a purpose in life ), which is technically true but I don't see how it's any of their business.

[ami kio]

Originally Posted by leothelnss

So... Is anyone here not particularly fond of animals? I'm curious. Most people like animals, and most people like babies, so the number of people who aren't fans of either is probably pretty low.

That'd be me, kinda.

I coo over anything that I find cute: dogs, bunnies, babies. Most people who see me interact with babies and toddlers automatically assume that I have a kid b/c I'm so comfortable with them (the well-behaved ones, anyway ); they're really shocked to hear that I don't want kids.

But the extremely rational side of me doubts my ability to commit to fully caring for any type of baby -- human or fur -- the way that I think that they should be raised.

Yes, YouShouldHaveAKid-Proponent-of-the-Week, I do realize that those high expectations of myself probably means that I would be a good mother. Those ideas, however, include making large sacrifices on my part, and I just do not want to make those sacrifices. So yes, I am being selfish in my decision to not having a kid/pet. However, IMO it's much better to be selfish and not have a child/pet than be resentful with a child/pet.

[leothelnss]

^ My mother is sort of the same way with animals. She smiles when she meets new ones and plays with them a little, but she hates the idea of spending long periods of time with them or having to take care of one herself.

[Couturegrl]

Yaaay for the new thread!!! :)

[schadenfreude]

Originally Posted by Roo

I think sadly that society sends a message to some women that after a certain age, having children can be viewed as baggage/liability and if they were to suddenly to become single, the child-free women are going to have an advantage in the dating world. I think a lot of this is subconscious and also I think that child free women are viewed with suspicion because some women secretly resent the independence they've lost because they are parents. I have found that since I'm in my 40s the questioning has died down a bit, and now I get more the sad face/sympathy responses, as if I should get pity because I don't have kids and now it's "too late"

Roo, I never thought of this -- what an excellent point!

[schadenfreude]

And because I wanted to post this earlier, but was on the wrong computer:

If I lay on your......

....suitcase


.... work bag


.... Balenciaga Courier


..... you won't leave me.

I guess this is the same logic that says:
If I can't see you, you can't see me.....

(She was deliberately hiding behind the picture.)

[boomie]

Another reason I don't want children...I cherish my sleep! It's my favorite thing to do, really. I nap all the time. I just checked my friend's Facebook, she had a baby a couple weeks ago, and nearly every other post is about how exhausted she is. I'd be miserable.

[Roo]

^^ I really have to hand it to people who have kids. I don't know how they do it. Honestly. I took care of my hub's kids when they were young, but they were pretty self sufficient. Babies are just 24/7 work!

[pquiles]

WOW! I didn't realize this thread was here and I must say that it has been very, and I mean very interesting to read. I am a bit older than most of the posters here but I think I lend a different spin b/c I'm a very recently divorced mother of 3. I was a single mom 12 years ago and I only had 1 child then. Now I have 3 and let me tell you it's tough. My ex gets to start his life over sans the concerns of raising "his" kids, I don't have that option! I love my kids very, very much; however there are sacrifices to being a parent that I'd rather not be forced to make---but I must b/c it's for them. I'm not supposed to be raising my babies on my own..but, the choices I made dictates that I do.
I applaud you ladies that make the decision to not have kids b/c you believe it's what's best for you. You should not have to apologize for that or explain yourself to anyone. People are going to judge you b/c it's what our society does. We judge one another and try to place our own morals, social norms and attitudes on each other. That's just the way it is.

[renie]

Originally Posted by boomie

Another reason I don't want children...I cherish my sleep! It's my favorite thing to do, really. I nap all the time. I just checked my friend's Facebook, she had a baby a couple weeks ago, and nearly every other post is about how exhausted she is. I'd be miserable.

I love sleep too and I think I would make everyone else's lives miserable if I had a child and was sleep deprived. DH and I don't even talk to each other until after we've had atleast one cup of coffee. My mom bothers me to say 'after you have kids, you'll be a morning person' I don't want to be!

[Roo]

Great post!

Originally Posted by pquiles

WOW! I didn't realize this thread was here and I must say that it has been very, and I mean very interesting to read. I am a bit older than most of the posters here but I think I lend a different spin b/c I'm a very recently divorced mother of 3. I was a single mom 12 years ago and I only had 1 child then. Now I have 3 and let me tell you it's tough. My ex gets to start his life over sans the concerns of raising "his" kids, I don't have that option! I love my kids very, very much; however there are sacrifices to being a parent that I'd rather not be forced to make---but I must b/c it's for them. I'm not supposed to be raising my babies on my own..but, the choices I made dictates that I do. I applaud you ladies that make the decision to not have kids b/c you believe it's what's best for you. You should not have to apologize for that or explain yourself to anyone. People are going to judge you b/c it's what our society does. We judge one another and try to place our own morals, social norms and attitudes on each other. That's just the way it is.