[TresChic35]

When I'm away at college, I find that she goes into my bedroom and looks through every single drawer and closet! Its been a few weeks since I've been home (from school), and I noticed that she has gone through every single inch and crevice in my room. She acts as if I don't notice any of this, but I do! I asked her to stop going through my belongings and opening up my mail, but she continues to do it.

For any of those that suggest that I should move out, well that is out of the question. My family is very old fashioned and any lady that moves out of the house before marrying is considered a "slut". Persuading my parents to go to school a few hours away from home was already a big enough struggle!

Also, they do not like me talking to men! Ever since I was a young child, I was not allowed to hang out with boys. I'm 22 y/o now, graduating soon, and will be attending graduate school. Because of my childhood ban from boys, my social skills with men now are terrible! I become very shy and a bit flustered at certain times!

I've had to date men behind my parents back sometimes, but things never got too serious.

So all of this isn't normal right? Anyone else there experienced anything like this? Or are my parents just abnormally overprotective? I just need some independence...some freedom ughh!!





Sorry that this is a long rant...and thanks for reading!

I'm having a girls-night-out tonight and I am feeling a bit guilty or as if I'm doing something wrong. My parents fault...grrr!!

[chinadoll724]

Wow, that is NOT normal! My parents were protective and even they knew around the time I went to college that I could make my own decicions (for the most part) and I definately had my privacy when I was home from school. Do your parents forbid you to date? Or just discourage it? And have you talked to them about this? Just curious what ethnicity they are and if they emmigrated here as adults?

I find that my parents are more strict and traditional than even their own siblings. It's like they stopped developing ideas once they moved to the US while their siblings followed along the changes in the last 10-20 years.

[artich0ke]

I'm 20 - I moved out last year because I couldn't stand having a curfew, my mother looking through my things, etc. I'm moving back in because I'm going to college and would rather commute than live with a stranger at school. When I go home on the weekends, she still yells at me to clean my room! I started dating when I moved out... Not too much she can do about that. My mother is pretty traditional, so obviously I won't be having any sleepovers with my boyfriend in her house (I find that disrespectful anyway).


My mom flat-out denies that she goes through my things and opens my mail, even though when I go to her house sometimes the mail I have sent there is open. Pretty sure most letters make it to their destination without being opened on the way, so I know she does it. It's so frustrating! I hate having to check in and not being able to come and go as I please... But as of right now it's just not rational for me to live on my own and try to go to school at the same time - I just can't afford it.


I guess my only advice is to take it one day at a time... It's frustrating, I know!

[guccimamma]

yes, as long as i lived anywhere near my mother...she would snoop.

move away, or hide things well.

[illinirdhd]

I have two words for you... Summer School!

[ChristyR143]

Yeah, my mom always snooped. Even still, when she comes over to my house sometimes I will walk into a room and find her looking in my desk drawer and stuff (and I'm 33 now). So annoying!

In your case, though, since you still live in her house, there really isn't anything you can do. Either move out (at 22 there isn't anything legally they can do to stop you) or just know that nothing in your room is private.

[emmalawyer]

Ugh! When I was an undergrad my mom used to look through my stuff whenever I went home to visit. I think now that I'm a parent I can understand the curiosity a bit better --though I still really want to believe that I won't go through my twins' stuff once they become adults.
The only thing you can do is keep as little "incriminating" stuff around as possible. No fun, I know, but if you can't move out then there isn't much else that can be done. I'm sure you're probably already really good at hiding your stuff, so this is useless advice. Even if she agrees not to go through your stuff or denies that she is, I wouldn't believe her. It sucks.

[LaurelLee123]

I think this is normal in different cultures, though pretty abnormal for 'American' culture. I never had a date when I was living under my parents roof. And yes, my parents opened all my mail and snooped through my room when I wasn't there. I had pretty much no freedom. I was told when to eat, what to eat, what to buy, what to wear as long as I was under their roof. But I haven't lived with my parents since I was 18. In fact, at 18 I moved halfway across the country and stayed there for 10 years.

[ShimmaPuff]

Originally Posted by LaurelLee123

I think this is normal in different cultures, though pretty abnormal for 'American' culture...

Well, "American culture" is by its nature a salad, a Moo-Shoo-Jalapeno Chicken Tikka-Burrito salad on a bed of Couscous topped with KimChi and Yebeg Wot, and served in a Tagine!

You are neither the first nor the last to be in this situation, and what you do is just work around it and live your life - and learn about life - independently of it.

I agree with others who have suggested that the kindest and most respectful thing you can do for your mother is to make the extra effort to ensure that any and everything in your room that might cause her worry or distress is re-located to your at-school residence, and as soon as you possibly can, show her that she has done a wonderful job in raising a responsible and independent young woman who is all grown up and able to have her own apartment!

In the meantime, share dating experiences with friends, and talk to mom about subjects that she will enjoy hearing and telling, encourage her to fill you in on what is going on with other family members, and you can fill her in on your schoolwork, and the very kind invitation from your roomate to spend the summer with her and her family!

[lovinalotofbags]

She is nosy, she cares about you and wants to know what is going on with you. Not sure what she thinks she will find. Try to not let it upset you b/c I do not think she will stop doing it as long as you live there. Ride it out until you move out. Have you ever asked her what she is looking for? You are 22 and it is an invasion of your privacy. In what culture(s) is it the norm for parents to open your mail and invade your privacy, and search your belongings?

[digby723]

Get a small fireproof safe and keep stuff in it. Or just leave it empty. It will drive her nuts knowing that she can't get in there!! :) You can normally get them at target or something like that. I know I've seen them at Best Buy before!

My parents stopped going into my room when I was 8, so, I can't really give you any advice. Nothing is off topic in my house, and my sister and I are free to come and go as we please. I will say thought that when I was 17 I spet a year as a foreign exchange student and had to live with a wicked, horrible woman. She always snooped!! She'd come into my room and re-arrage EVERYTHING. Even my shampoo bottles!! And if she didn't like how something was done, she'd leave us notes on our bulletin board in our room (I shared my room w/ another exchange student). She was seriouslly mental!!

[maddog]

About the snooping, I'm 27 and my parents STILL snoop. It's aggravating, cuz they'll deny it afterward, saying they just came across it if it's something they want to bring up with me (like your credit card bill is due tomorrow). My mom's gone through my underwear drawer to confront me about my thongs (apparently they're only for hookers). Sometimes I think it's become more of a habit for them to look through my stuff.

Do you have siblings who share the same problem? If you all confront your parents about it at the same time and show how insulted you are that they can't trust you, they might not stop completely but they might back off a bit. I'd try laying on the guilt if it really must come down to it "do you think you failed so much in raising a trustworthy daughter that you have to keep going through my stuff?". I'm sure they'll deny left right and center, but they should back off more after this. But only use this one if it's really necessary.

[ShimmaPuff]

^^^
^^^ I don't know, that sounds like it has a LOT of potential for hurting their feelings, even confusing and frightening them, especially if the behavior is rooted in cultural values/beliefs, etc.

You really can't argue with a belief, but you CAN cause the person all kinds of emotional trauma, even possibly make them doubt things they have always been taught and/or NEED to believe, for whatever reason, because that handful of behaviors that drives you nuts might trace back to a very delicate and interdependent network of those beliefs.

The way they see the world is just different than the way you see it, and if there is going to come a time when they would sit down and think about a whole long list of things, that is going to have to come from them, all by themselves.

Remember some of it is probably going to be based on things that they would not really feel comfortable thinking about, things that to them, might even be wrong to think about, much less to question, and to try and force someone to do that has the potential to be really damaging.

When you were little, they did whatever it took to keep you safe from harm, even if it was not always easy or convenient, and now it is your turn to protect them!

[maddog]

Yep Shimma. I totally agree. That's why I said only do that if it really is necessary and basically as a last resort. I think it will hurt the parents' feelings for sure, at least short term, but they also don't know where to draw the boundary. Maybe they're not aware that's what it feels like to the child, and it is up to the child to verbalize how it feels to be intruded on like that.

If OP has nothing to hide, eventually that's what it feels like. Of course, don't act like a spoiled brat afterward and definitely don't yell. Just that in some families, the parents don't always realize what they are (innocently) doing is sending the wrong message to their kids, and it's not the kids' job to baby their parents.

[QueenOfDa702]

If you cant date, then how are you supposed to get married and move out?