Never tell your problems to anyone.

[Fetish]

It seems that I am one of those friends thats actually sits, listens and gives feedback and advice on friends problems. Or anyone for that matter. My friends do tend to come to me a lot. So recently I finally came to the realization that all of my "close" friends are treating our friendship like a one way street. When I tell any of my closer friends about my woes and really spill whats going on, they literally just brush it off and start going into THEIR problems! When I try to avert the conversation back to whats bugging me, they will either change the subject again or tell me: "Yeah.. well you know what MY boyfriend did?" Or they say they have to go, they walk away or leave.. and its so frusterating!

Im not the type of person that is like crying everyday either or being irrational. I dealt with a really emotional and violent breakup recently and called my friend to talk about it. Half way through me spilling my guts out (and Im practically weeping on the other end).. she says she will call me back. Did I receive a phone call? Not until the next day and then she doesnt even apologize, ask how I am, ask me to continue or so much as mention the conversation she so rudely ended last night. Shes just calling me for her own benefit. Then she tells me Im "acting different" and asking if Im mad at her. PAH!

Its like they dont take into consideration that I am really upset and hurt at all. I need to be listened to and I need some feedback as well. When its YOUR turn to talk, then perhaps you should speak then. But for the 5 minutes that I am trying to come to you for help or words of wisdom or advice, please do not focus on yourself and turn everything around on you. It makes me furious because I spend so much time listening and giving feedback and I do NOT change the subject until they are ready to stop talking about it!

I dont know what it is with people these days. This is why Ive semi-written my friendships off and vowed not to get close or share anything personal to avoid getting hurt in situations. I almost want to do the same back to my "friends" and not be that caring, listening person but I would feel way too harsh to do this. So there you have it. I saw a quote from a friend today that read: "Never tell your problems to anyone. 20% dont care and the other 80% are glad you have them." SOOO true. Please tell me Im not the only one who feels like this.

[gacats]

Since you don't as a rule need to talk about your issues, and you're the "listener" for your friends, you may need to tell them straight out that they need to extend the same courtesy to you when you need someone to talk to.
Maybe they don't even realize how rude they're being.
Sorry you're having a hard time.

[juneping]

agree with the post above.
sometimes ppl are stupid and self-centered, they get used to the role you used to play. tell them or email (i used to do it via writting..bc i have a hard time controlling my emotion during verbal convo). either way to let them know. if situation doesn't improve...find new friends.

[sunshine16]

Thats horrible. it sucks when you feel like your friends are all take and no give... and it double sucks when you feel like people don't value your feelings.

Although i do have to admitt i have a bad habbit of trying to make people feel better by telling them a story of something which happened to me which was worse.
For example- a friend will come to me and say "my boyfriend didn't make as big of a deal out of our anniversary as i would have liked.. i don't think he really cared" i will come back with "well my boyfriend forgot altogether"
I'm not trying to direct the focus back to me at all, i'm trying to make them feel better by telling them how it could be worse, but the truth is.. it doesn't make you feel better! It feels like your problems are being trivialized.

I really had no idea how i was making people feel by my bad habit and once i was made aware of it i make a conscious effort to not do it.. maybe this is what your friends are doing?

I definitely agree you need to talk to them... It may be completely unintentional.

Hope that helps :)

[natalie78]

Yet another reason why I don't have any real friends. The only people I discuss my problems with are here on TPF.

They may not even realize that their behavior is so rude and insensitive. Talk to your closest friend about your feelings. If you get dismissed again, then you will know how to take your next step.

[bnjj]

I've had several friends just like this who I would describe as self-absorbed and I always felt as though I was always giving more than I was ever getting in return. I ended those friendships.

[DiorDeVille]

That's not fun. I would get some new friends, if I were you - people who can give instead of just taking.

[Fetish]

Thanks so much for you replies everyone.

Sunshine - tinking about it, I'd saya bout half the time they DO try to come back and perhaps make me "feel better" by relating my story or greivance to something that happened to them. I suppose let this be a lesson to anyone on here - that is NOT the way to go about making someone feel better. Personally it makes me feel worse. Its different if its not something really personal or hurtful, such as a horrible shopping experience. Then its okay to relate but not when its something that is emotionally damaging them.

I could tell them how I feel but its almost not even worth the effort.

[NYCBelle]

Originally Posted by natalie78

Yet another reason why I don't have any real friends. The only people I discuss my problems with are here on TPF. They may not even realize that their behavior is so rude and insensitive. Talk to your closest friend about your feelings. If you get dismissed again, then you will know how to take your next step.

Yup! same here

[lilac0485]

Originally Posted by Fetish

Thanks so much for you replies everyone. Sunshine - tinking about it, I'd saya bout half the time they DO try to come back and perhaps make me "feel better" by relating my story or greivance to something that happened to them. I suppose let this be a lesson to anyone on here - that is NOT the way to go about making someone feel better. Personally it makes me feel worse. Its different if its not something really personal or hurtful, such as a horrible shopping experience. Then its okay to relate but not when its something that is emotionally damaging them.

I totally agree with this. Sometimes I just want to vent not have my situation trivialized by putting it in perspective.

[helpchow]

Sorry OP. I actually understand how you feel as I've been on both ends of the friendship. When I was younger, I was very self-absorbed and really didn't know how to listen to my friends; so I was always the one venting my problems, never really listening. As I've gotten older, I'm usually the one listening to others rant - some will just rant and rant w/o letting me get a word in. Sometimes, girls can be difficult that way. I wouldn't lose all hope in your friends, perhaps bring it up gently with them. To be honest, they may not even realize that they are so self-absorbed and insensitives.

If after you bring it up, they don't change, I would drop them like a bad habit. I did this with one friend who was just so self-absorbed - we always had one-sided conversations and she never changed.

[Fetish]

Also, there is a difference between trying to relate the situation to make the person feel better vs actually going into their OWN problems and making the issue actually about themselves. Selfishness at its best I suppose.

My friends are not bad people. Its probably not intentional. I know I should bring it up with them but I'd feel rather silly. And I feel like, if you dont care enough in the first place to listen to my problems and give feedback, then why should you do it almost forcefully, simply because I feel hurt? These people have broken any sort of "closeness" Ive had with them in terms of sharing personal things. So even if I made them aware of my issue with them, I would never ever again go back to them with my problems. Otherwise I'd be wondering if they were simply pretending to care because I had an issue with them. You either care or you dont. Its the person you are. I cannot make them be something they are not or feel something they dont. And they obviously dont feel that way. So Im just finished with that aspect of our friendship. This means, do not come to me with any personal issues of your own.

I hate to be a negative nancy (lol).. but honestly, Im just finished with this, with them. Im very particular about who I consider a "true friend" and its probable that I have none. Thanks all for listening. :)

[flowerbobon]

Well I have to admit that sometimes I feel like I have a serious problem than my best friend every time she told me about her problem. Sometimes my best friend told me how she have trouble with her studies and struggling to get the scholarship so that she can continue studies at the overseas. I told her to relax and dont be stress and other good advice. And suddenly I start to change the topic and told her that I feel worse than her and my studies performance going down. It is sounds like I am everything which I know this is not good. I should pay more attention to her. A day or two after that, we IM and she then asked, "Owh okay what is your problem now?" then when I realised that Im being such a jerk to her. Then I just replied, "Oh no, nothing."

After that moment, I keep telling myself that world does not evolve around me. And now I stop telling her my problems.

[Rhose]

I completely understand where you're coming from. If it becomes too tiring start giving these friends more space. Keep the relationship at a superficial level and if they start using you as an agony aunt, make an excuse to cut the convo short. They should get the hint eventually. I understand they're otherwise good people and you don't want to start an argument over it, or "force" them to start listening to your problems. The necessary feeling of trust and comfort wouldn't be there in that scenario.

Do you have anyone who you know will actually listen to your problems and have your interests at heart? Those people are very special and rare but I believe one is enough.

I've come to be selective about who I open up to at all. Right now it's only my Dad or my best friend. Even then I only do it when I really have the need, as I want to value them by not becoming *that* person to them. They're both excellent, thoughtful, sympathetic listeners and I know they really care about me and my feelings. Anyone else - my mother included - I surmise fall into either the "don't care" or "glad you have problems" camps. And I don't hold that against them as I believe it's natural for most people. I just keep my relationship with them on a different, more superficial level and save the deep stuff for my Dad and bestie.

I know I had to train myself to be a good listener. 99% of people seem to be the type who don't really listen but rather are just waiting for their chance to talk about themselves. Again, human nature I reckon. I still catch myself doing it at times. I find it very rewarding to consciously make myself shut up and listen to others though. Often people don't want their problems solved either, just an ear to listen. So perhaps you'll feel better not getting emotionally invested, but merely giving them an outlet.

[Fetish]

Thank you.

You know, I dont really have anyone. I never have I suppose. Not even family. But Im okay with that. In this world, at the end of the day, all we ever have to rely on is ourselves. And you know what, this place is great for venting/seeking advice. Its funny because people who are complete strangers care more to listen to my problems and give feedback, more than my own family and friends. And perhaps thats one reason we come here. :) And perhaps thats why for many years, so many people come to messageboards like this to vent and share love and support. Im okay with that.

But perhaps you are right - perhaps it is in peoples nature. On one hand, I can see how people would not care considering its not what they are feeling or going through in the present moment. On the other hand its just difficult for me to understand how so many people (and ones you have known forever or even your own family) can just simply not give a damn. I couldnt imagine doing this to someone I CARE about. However its simply something I have to come to terms with and as you say, keep things on a "superficial" level.