[FrancescaAveiro]

Warning: Very long post! For those of you who choose to read, thanks in advance!

I'll start with some background info. During middle and high school, I became best friends with an indian girl who was kind of shy and treated like an outcast. I was really outgoing and a complete opposite of her but we became friends after working on a project together. Her parents are totally traditional and didn't want her to be friends with me because I went to parties and stuff. They assumed I would be a bad influence and ruin their "perfect indian daughter." Due to her parents constantly being rude to me, etc. our friendship kind of suffered. We would only talk at school and I would hang out with my other friends afterwards while she was basically forced to stay at home and do chores and study. Well, after graduation, I went to a college in another state and she went local. We kept in touch over the phone and emails but then I came back to Brazil and we rarely ever talked except for birthdays and stuff.


I got a call from her earlier this year saying that she was getting married in England and that she really wanted me to come. Apparently, her parents had arranged her marriage to another traditional indian guy in England and tradition meant that she would have to move over there to live with her in laws. When I went to the wedding, she was miserable but tried to act happy. We caught up on everything and she even told me she had been secretly seeing another guy but he was from Spain and her parents would have totally flipped. This kind of bothered me becasue everything her parents believed was totally opposite from my beliefs - but I didn't say anything to her out of respect. Well, the wedding happened blah blah blah and her parents totally insulted me infront of some of the other guests. They attacked my career and beliefs but I didn't do anything to upset my friend. Her inlaws were just as bad and made me feel really unwelcome because I was the only non-indian guest.



Fast forward to today. Well, I was at lunch with my bf and my friend called. I thought it was strange because she usually calls in the morning due time difference. I asked how she was and she just started to cry! My bf could hear her and had tohught something awful had happened! She told me how much she hates her life and that she has been considering suicide. Apparently, her in laws treat her as a slave and her husband expects her to respect whatever his mom says. She had to give her mother in law all of her wedding jewelery and a portion of her weekly income. To top it off, her husband is some hot shot lawyer who treats her like crap and openly flirts with other women. I asked if she had told her parents and she was like "they could care less." They are so traditional that they feel like she does not belong to their family anymore and she should just deal with it because it's how things should be! wtf!!!???
The conversation was very long but basically she told me everything and said the rest of the family was out and she had acted sick so she could call me and get things off her mind. I just talked to her and reassured her that she can talk to me whenever she needs.


So here's where I need ya'll to help!


BF and i were talking about it and (he doesn't know her) he suggested that I go visit her or something. I was thinking of getting her a plane ticket to brazil so we can hang out for a while and she can just relax and take some time away from the problems. However, I'm afraid if i do that It would cause more trouble for her because her in laws wouldn't like it. So, what should I do to help her? I know she has no one else to talk to and sounded really bad and serious about doing something drastic.She doesn't want a divorce because she has no way to support herself and her parents would totally disown her. It's like she has never been on her own before and I don't think she could completely handle not having her parents or someone to tell her what to do.


anyways.....this was long so thanks for reading! I had to post bc i know tpf'ers are the best advice givers. Plus, I know my post will be totally anonymous because I'm certain none of her family members even know what tpf is!

[sailornep5]

Honestly, I think all you can do is what you have offered - to be a shoulder to cry on whenever she is able to call you. She has to decide on her own whether or not her situation is dire enough to leave and alienate her family. Just let her know that you are willing to help if she decides she wants to leave.

The only way I would physically intervene is if her husband or family were beating her and her life was physically threatened....but it sounds like she is frustrated with the family demands, husband behaviors, etc. but she still has the option to leave.

[lovinalotofbags]

ITA with Sailor but even if there was physical abuse, Francesca would not be able to intervene. Indian traditions are held strong. You can still be physically abused and stay in the relationship. Tell her when she is ready to leave, you will help. It will be hard but she can make a better life for herself. The one she is in now will not get better but worse. She needs to get a divorce before any children are involved, leave and never look back. He is an attorney, but I would not let that stop her. I am sure they always have an eye on her.

[VPT]

Originally Posted by FrancescaAveiro

I was thinking of getting her a plane ticket to brazil so we can hang out for

Get her a 1 way ticket!
Seriously, I feel your pain. I suppose you can offer her emotional support like what you have been doing greatly already, but you can't really instruct what she should do. Not very wise getting tangled up in her marital matters especially when her family despises you. I'm not saying you're in the wrong, it's just not worth getting your hands dirty in someone else's problems. Is she considering divorce? Maybe her parents are not helping because they already spent a fortune on the wedding dowry? I personally know of a lady who was once in this kind of situation, in the end she managed to divorce her husband, but it took like 3 years on top of the 5 year separation because she was arranging everything in private!!

[leaf69erin]

Tradition...how can a person being reduced to nothing be considered ok in ANY tradition/race etc. How can there still be families like this in our day and age?! It's horrible and I feel bad for you and your friend. You are being a great sport putting up with the family's sh*t! Do you have the facilities to have her come stay with you for awhile without it causing you financial strain? If she is a good enough freind that you wouldnt mind having her come stay with you for an unknown amount of time then maybe you can offer her to come and stay with you. Maybe even help her look for jobs or something on the internet. Otherwise maybe you can look up some local churches/community type organisations that she could get into contact with and maybe they could provide her with some emotional support until she is able to decide what to do. Either way I def think though that seeing as she was NEVER happy, that she should leave while she can before any kids are involved and everything becomes even harder. I hope everything works out for her and you!

[FrancescaAveiro]

Thanks for the help everyone.

she called and said she discussed divorce with her husband and he threw a fit. so, since then she has packed her bags and been staying in a hotel nearby her inlaws. She is totally stressed bc her parents are ignoring her and has no where to go. I called her today and told her i will be sending her a ticket to brazil. She admitted it would be hard for her bc it's a new country, diff language, etc but she is really looking forward to starting her own life without anyone telling her what to do.

i hope this was the right decision and everything works out well. She'll be staying with me and i've got a job lined up for her so she can start in a few months after taking a bit of a break from things. I'm glad i could help her but i'm kind of nervous about it all too. it's a big change for me too since i'm used to living alone until bf comes back to visit and stuff.

Once again, thanks for all the replies.

[Sternchen]

I don't really think there is anything you can do other than be there for her, offer her what you mentioned and just be a good friend to her. It sounds like that's what she really needs right now. I'm not sure how indian tradition is, but it sounds like divorce isn't really an option. But really: if the only reason she is staying is because she won't be able to support herself and her family disowning her, then she needs to get out of there anyway.

She may struggle for a while, but she will make it through.

[lostnexposed]

So she's definitely going to Brazil?
does her husband know about this?

I don't understand how her parents don't seem to care, or do u think that maybe they care but are just too afraid of doing anything.

[GirlFriday]

Wow! Good for her. I hope her new life goes well...it'll be a struggle, but at least she's away from her husband and her inlaws...I know that it will be hard because her parents will disown her. It's too bad...they should be concerned for her happiness.

[Jill]

u r a very good friend and she is lucky to have u in her life.....hope she puts her life back together and is happy again!

[~Fabulousity~]

Originally Posted by FrancescaAveiro

Thanks for the help everyone.

she called and said she discussed divorce with her husband and he threw a fit. so, since then she has packed her bags and been staying in a hotel nearby her inlaws. She is totally stressed bc her parents are ignoring her and has no where to go. I called her today and told her i will be sending her a ticket to brazil. She admitted it would be hard for her bc it's a new country, diff language, etc but she is really looking forward to starting her own life without anyone telling her what to do.

i hope this was the right decision and everything works out well. She'll be staying with me and i've got a job lined up for her so she can start in a few months after taking a bit of a break from things. I'm glad i could help her but i'm kind of nervous about it all too. it's a big change for me too since i'm used to living alone until bf comes back to visit and stuff.

Once again, thanks for all the replies.

This is great! She is very lucky to have a friend like you, I hope everything works out well for the both of you

[arireyes]

I hope everything works out! She's lucky to have you as a friend.

[lovinalotofbags]

Now, you are going to have this friend come stay with you for awhile. You two need to sit down and talk about her plans and that this is not long term but you are happy to help.

[artjen]

Oh wow. I think that you have done all the right things. It is so frustrating because she feels trapped and isn't empowered to be able to leave and be on her own. HOpefully she will take you up on your offer to come stay with you. Perhaps away from the negative situation she will be able to think more clearly and start to plan a life without this man.

[article3]

I've seen situations like this, and I'd just offer a shoulder to cry on and state that if she ever decides to leave, you will help her however you can.