[Roo]

About 1.5 years ago I met a woman thru a travel forum who lives near me. She is a bit older than me (late 50s) and we got along really great due to our mutual interest in travel. We became friendly and would occasionally go out to lunch, etc. Over time in getting to know her, I became aware of some personality traits this woman has that are, frankly, a huge turnoff.

First of all, she is CHEAP. She uses the entertainment books for everything and will not go out to lunch somewhere unless she can use the card. The funny part is the card isn't even hers, it is her daughter's, and the daughter got it thru her employer, so she is really not supposed to be using it at all. Don't get me wrong, I am not against saving a buck, (I like a bargain as much as the next person), but this lady takes it a step too far. It gets annoying to be invited out to lunch only because she can get it cheap and then to watch her nitpick the bill when it comes. The last couple times we've gone I've invited her (and paid) because I did not want to deal with the hassle of her penny-pinching, using her stupid Entertainment card.

The meals really are a small thing though, because there is something bigger that happened over the summer that really bothers me. Last December we had a major storm in our area that did a lot of damage. In her case, she had a tree fall over in her yard and it knocked down a fence that ran between her house and her neighbor's. To make a long story short, she and her husband filed an insurance claim and the insurance paid over $3000 to fix the fence. BUT what did this lady and her husband do? THEY LIED TO THEIR NEIGHBORS, and told them the insurance would not pay, and got the neighbors to pay for HALF THE FENCE, which resulted in them pocketing $1500! THEN she had the nerve to brag to me about it to me!!!????

At that point I decided I did not want to associate with this person any more. Luckily her husband is a college professor and is off during the summer, so last summer they were gone for two months so I didn't have to face her. When they returned in September, my mother had been ill and then my husband was ill, so I had legitimate reasons to avoid her. But now she is bugging me to get together. She wants to come over to the house we moved into in April and see how I've decorated it, and of COURSE, go to lunch using her discount card. I just do NOT want to see this lady. I don't want to confront her though, I just want her to get the HINT that I'm not interested in a friendship any more...of course she does not get it...

Am I being too judgmental of this person? Should I just let the bit about the fence go? Am I making too big a deal about that? I can't help it... that kind of lying REALLY BOTHERS ME and I really don't want to be around someone who thinks that kind of behavior is OK....

Thoughts?

[keya]

I don't really have any good advice, other than to keep making up excuses until she gets the picture. I wouldn't confront her and tell her you don't want to be friends anymore if I were you, it'll only result in drama and hurt feelings.

[HubbaWubba]

I have a relative like this that lives out of town and always wants to come to NYC to visit me. The last time she came to visit, we went to a very nice restaurant and I paid because I know she is cheap, really really cheap. She will send back a coke if it has ice in it because she thinks she gets less, even though most places give you free refills. She won't eat her meals at restaurants but will take doggie bags of everything on the table including the salt and pepper shakers! She has also stolen toilet paper out of restaurant restrooms. Once when she came to visit me, I offered to take her for a manicure and pedicure at a place I regularly go. She didn't tip. I felt sooo embarrassed that the next time and every time after, I felt the need to overcompensate because of her.

Now that it is xmas time in NYC, she wants to visit again. I told her I am going away for the holidays...just like every other time she has asked me to come visit. Recently, I changed my phone number and have not told her. LOL

[IntlSet]

Roo, this individual sounds truly intolerable... I don't think you're being overly judgmental at all. I'd just steer clear and avoid her calls, etc.... hopefully she'll get the hint? But then again, I've never really known a polite way to drop a friend...

[shmooey]

What she did about the fence IS horrible and perhaps illegal (it should be). She scammed her neighbor out of $1500! That's a very big deal, and I think it's seriously scary that she would brag about it. Does she believe her behavior is absolutely normal?
Just continue doing what you've been doing. Eventually she must get the hint... Have you considered letting her neighbors know what she did, if you know where she lives? I don't know what they can do, but feel like anyone around her who might get scammed deserves a warning.

[pisdapisda79]

No, I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, you can afterall decide how & with whom you want to spend your time with & why spend it with somebody you dislike. I would invest in call display if you don't already have it & just avoid her till she gets the hint like everyone else said

[merika]

I think you should try to keep up the 'busy' excuses until she gets the message. That, or lay the cards on the table and be exceedingly frank about why you want to discontinue the friendship.

[LissiSays]

I'm sorry to hear about your sticky situation. I admit that I've been guilty of distancing myself from people that I don't want to associate myself with. But at the same time, I wouldn't want that done to me. I would want to know why someone I thought was a friend is no longer communicating with me. It's funny because I had a friend earlier this year fall off the face of the earth. Completely disappeared. I thought maybe it was because I did something. It really bothered me because I sat there and thought for the longest time that I had possibly done something wrong. Well this person has recently reappeared and it turns out that it was for other reasons that they disappeared (not because of me, at least that is what I was told).

In your case, it is the other persons fault. I feel that it is better that they know the exact reason why you no longer want to have a friendship with her. It's better to not leave anything up to interpretation. She might not get the hint (which you mentioned is happening). Be blunt and honest with her. She might not like what you have to say but a clean conscious is a much better thing to have.

Everyone has their own personal taste regarding friends. There are things you will and will not like. No one can tell you that your personal taste in friends is wrong. I personally would not want to be friends with someone that does something so dishonest. $1,500 is a lot of money! If my friend did that to someone then it would make me think: "What would stop them from doing that to me?" If you can't stand the idea of keeping a friendship with her then it isn't going to work out.

It's much more stressful to avoid her. It's much more difficult to lie, and keep up with those lies, just to not go out to lunch, etc. I think you'll have much faster results if you talk to her about it. I'm all for talking in person but if you feel that you can't do it then write her a long email. Take your time, type it up and re-read it many times. Make sure you have said everything you want her to know and send it off.

[Swanky Mama Of Three]

Oh Roo . . I agree w/ the others. You are not being overly critical, she has some ethical issues and I couldn't hang around her either. . .
Being cheap is somewhat tolerable, but being a thief isn't
I'd avoid her like the plague or write her a short e-mail just diplomatically stating you don't find much in common w/ her anymore and your freetime is increasingly shorter. . . .

[jellybebe]

I agree that she's not only cheap, she is evil. I would avoid her and stop taking her calls. The holidays are super busy so it shouldn't be too hard to avoid her for now. If she keeps calling, I would tell her either that you are extremely busy or if it were me, I would tell her the truth about the fence and how disgusting that behaviour was.

[Tammy518]

I think you're right to try to cut yourself off from this woman. Cheapness is one thing, but the fence thing is downright wrong. I used to have a neighbor like that who drove me nuts. She was constantly getting stuff for free by complaining about stuff. She once had her kids' Christmas pics taken at Kmart and when they came back, she said they were awful, so she didn't have to pay for them but she got to keep them. She did this kind of thing all the time in restaurants, with hair cuts, etc.

When I want to start avoiding someone like that, I just keep putting them off by saying I'm too busy, usually with work. Just tell her you've got too much work every time she tries to get together with you and surely she'll eventually get the hint.

[heartnaspade]

Since you don't seem to have any ties to her other than the few times you went out to lunch, I would flat out tell her that you don't really feel like you two are getting along that well. If she presses for an explanation, I would mention that the thing with the fence really bothered you and that you weren't sure you could be friends with someone with so little integrity.

I know I would have a more direct way of handling things, simply because I have no patience for people who blatantly disregard for others. There's no telling when you could on the other side of that fence - she could be cheating or stealing money from you in the future!

[Roo]

Thanks for all the replies. The thing I don't understand is why she has to BRAG about ripping off her neighbors? I would never dream of telling the neighbors- karma takes care of things like this, but she'd have been been better off just keeping her mouth shut about it! I don't think that confronting a person like this does any good... so I guess the avoidance route is the best route to take. The problem with people like her is that they are clueless about why people write them off.

[dallas]

She is mean-spirited and I wouldn't want to be around her either. If I were you I would call her and tell her that cheating her neighbors out of their money has really bothered you and you don't wish to continue the friendship. Tell her calmly and truthfully and it's done. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Roo, I just read your reply and the reason why people like her are clueless is because nobody tells them what the problem is.

[Roo]

^^
Understood Dallas- but the thing is, I've learned as I grow older that you have to fight the battles you can win. The fact that this woman thinks that stealing from her neighbors is OK, trying to convince her that it's NOT is probably going to be futile.. KWIM?