Need advice on my BF's mom/Future MIL

Kiss Me Deadly · Feb 26th, 2008, 01:46 PM

Hey guys..I guess its my turn to rant.. and ugh am I just itching to get this out..

Well ive been with my BF for about 5 years now and im pretty close with his family, I always hang out with them, at their family functions etc etc.. well, in the first 4 years, I adored his mom.. always thought she was so much cooler than my mom, fashionable, just nicer...

In the 5th year that we've been together, it seems that she is only talking to me when shes bragging to me about her life, her dates and various gifts she gets from her boyfriends.. shes only interested in showing me clothes and shoes she buys...and only talks to me about my bags (where in which 2 days later she will show up with a replica or designer inspired version of my exact bag..)

But to continue... shes a lawyer and can only date guys in high positions and is just so shallow... I am beginning to detest her, and I hate that since I love my BF... my BF knows and agrees that his mom is so shallow and brags alot, he just tells me to ignore her, but shes like always in my face..and worst of all, after her bragging she wont ask you how you are or whats new in your life, for fear that its more thrilling than hers..

I just always have the urge to throw a rude comment at her or something when shes showing off her stuff or bragging...the problem is, she does it non stop to the point where Im afraid one day im gonna snap and curse her out or something...

Anyone have a similar experience or any advice before I just totally snap on this woman one day.....

thanks!

Carmen82 · Feb 26th, 2008, 02:45 PM

I feel so bad for you..one of my ex bf's mothers was the same and it was really bad for our relationship...needless to say, we aren't together anymore

Speedy · Feb 26th, 2008, 03:00 PM

Wow. I'm sorry she's turned out this way. Perhaps she feels since you are :into" bags and designer clothing, she only shows you that side of her now? Looks like to me she's trying to share things you have in common. May not be the way you like, but she's trying.

As for copying you, I've always thought that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and she likes it enough on you to try that look herself. That's not easy for us older gals to do BTW!

My best advice when she starts acting shallow is to change the subject. Branch the conversations out to other things not related to what she constantly talks about. Ask her if she saw such and such a movie, or her opinion on a current event.

Kiss Me Deadly · Feb 26th, 2008, 03:29 PM

^^thanks for the advice Speedy, Ive tried to see things that way.. like maybe she appreciates the clothes and bags so she will talk to me about it.. but its not that its a conversation or banter on certain things its just alll about her and her friends and life and that she/they are better than everyone...

Its the bragging that makes me nuts..I even said to myself that she brags so much because shes trying to make up for the shameful life she had in the past (shes been through 3 rough divorces).. I always try to change the conversation and even sometimes not respond to her, but its kind of hard when she runs to me and shoves her ears (with the ugly earrings on them) in my face... like how am I supposed to pretend not to notice that.. ugh, at that particular instance I just wanted to blurt out that my earrings were nicer, but im too polite....

Speedy · Feb 26th, 2008, 04:38 PM

I think you are right, she's trying to make up for some deep down inadequecies in her youth, the divorces speak volumes.

I always feel sorry for people like this though. Someday something may happen that she's not going to enjoy, an accident, a fire, a crime against her, and she'll be forced to see things differently. You can only hope this doesn't happen, since people who DO feel "but for the Grace of the Gods" they do understand and have sympathy, something she'll want if she's the one who's been changed forever by fate or fortune.

Seriously, I'd limit my time with her if she continues to do this. As someone once said, "No-one can take advantage of you unless you allow it" and it goes for braggarts and bores as well.

Good luck! I have the most wonderful MIL, but I wasn't her first DIL, so I got a more understanding lady who begged me to take her son off her hands. ;-)

ladyeeboutique · Feb 26th, 2008, 05:12 PM

I say just ignore her dear!

illinirdhd · Feb 26th, 2008, 05:31 PM

Your story reminded me of a joke I heard once. I don't remember the specifics, but the punch line was (in a southern accent) something along the lines of: Momma taught me to say "that's nice" instead of "kiss my ass!"

Anyway, yeah, people like that are tough. You can learn to deal with a typical acquaintance, but since this woman may be family some day, you have to watch your step a little bit. I guess just try to be nice and resist the urge to strangle her with her fake bags and ugly earrings?

One thing is for sure, if BF knows what a pain his mom can be (and he does!), he will really appreciate you being as nice as possible to her, even if he doesn't tell you that.

Kiss Me Deadly · Feb 26th, 2008, 05:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Speedy

I think you are right, she's trying to make up for some deep down inadequecies in her youth, the divorces speak volumes.

I always feel sorry for people like this though. Someday something may happen that she's not going to enjoy, an accident, a fire, a crime against her, and she'll be forced to see things differently. You can only hope this doesn't happen, since people who DO feel "but for the Grace of the Gods" they do understand and have sympathy, something she'll want if she's the one who's been changed forever by fate or fortune.

Seriously, I'd limit my time with her if she continues to do this. As someone once said, "No-one can take advantage of you unless you allow it" and it goes for braggarts and bores as well.

Good luck! I have the most wonderful MIL, but I wasn't her first DIL, so I got a more understanding lady who begged me to take her son off her hands. ;-)

Thanks again Speedy

I understand what youre saying.. I just had to post here because sometimes I not only feel annoyed and mad at her actions, but she also maks me feel so inadequate around her because Im nothing to brag about or have anything on ler level to say...On good days when I can tolerate her, I sometimes feel that Im not good enough for her or her son.. Like the only way I can impress her is to be someone that is "bragworthy".. like she would ignore me otherwise if I wasnt some big name or had a great, prestigious job...because thats what impressed her.

She once kept going on and on about my BF's brother's girlfriend and how great the GF's family was because both of her parents were professors at the University of Michigan.. My parents dont have those high "prestigious" jobs and I felt so inadequate and semi-ashamed of them when I shouldnt be...

Ugh, dont know what to think anymore.. in the suburbs of NYC, everyone seems to be about those things these days...

dallas · Feb 26th, 2008, 05:34 PM

Perhaps because this woman has been through 3 divorces (which I don't consider "shameful") she is now enjoying her life to the point where she doesn't realise she is becoming a wee bit over the top? You say for the first 4 years you adored her but in the 5th year she "seems" to be bragging about her life, so either she has changed or your perception of her has. Ask yourself this: Is she a good person? Is her heart in the right place? We all have faults and I tend to think that if bragging is her worst one, she still deserves to be adored.

In response to this:

Quote:

She once kept going on and on about my BF's brother's girlfriend and how great the GF's family was because both of her parents were professors at the University of Michigan.. My parents dont have those high "prestigious" jobs and I felt so inadequate and semi-ashamed of them when I shouldnt be..

.

Please remember: "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent".

Kiss Me Deadly · Feb 26th, 2008, 05:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by illinirdhd

Your story reminded me of a joke I heard once. I don't remember the specifics, but the punch line was (in a southern accent) something along the lines of: Momma taught me to say "that's nice" instead of "kiss my ass!"

Anyway, yeah, people like that are tough. You can learn to deal with a typical acquaintance, but since this woman may be family some day, you have to watch your step a little bit. I guess just try to be nice and resist the urge to strangle her with her fake bags and ugly earrings?

One thing is for sure, if BF knows what a pain his mom can be (and he does!), he will really appreciate you being as nice as possible to her, even if he doesn't tell you that.

OMG, thats soooo right, I couldnt agree with you more. My BF does know what she does and how she acts and he agrees, but I can only complain to him about it to a certain point.. I mean, shes still his mom and he loves her and Im always careful to not go too far with him because who knows he might snap and take her side one day...

I just wish she wasnt so pushy when she bragged about things and that way it would be so easy to ignore her...

Kiss Me Deadly · Feb 26th, 2008, 05:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dallas

Perhaps because this woman has been through 3 divorces (which I don't consider "shameful") she is now enjoying her life to the point where she doesn't realise she is becoming a wee bit over the top? You say for the first 4 years you adored her but in the 5th year she "seems" to be bragging about her life, so either she has changed or your perception of her has. Ask yourself this: Is she a good person? Is her heart in the right place? We all have faults and I tend to think that if bragging is her worst one, she still deserves to be adored.

I dont consider divorce shameful either, but she makes it ovbious that she does so thats why I used that word, but thats another story.. If she is enjoying her life, good for her, but its just doesnt make sense to me why the ONLY conversation we have is her talking about herself and her gifts.. (and her life isnt perfect now, she has a few personal cases pending against her which I will keep private... to say the least... )

Dont get me wrong, she ALWAYS bragged, but because I was probably new to the family and trying to impress them I dealt with it and attached myself to her personality.. and then one day, she basically snapped.. Im serious when I say it was like overnight where the bragging got rude and was the only thing that came out of her mouth..

You know how some people can boast a little about their kids and what not and go on with other daily conversation about anything else.. no, this woman is just brag about herself, boast about this and so on.. we couldnt even talk about food or anything without her telling her greaaaat story about HER experience..and then everyone gets turned off by the convo and just leave..

Oh, and its not just me, her other kids feel the same way and their SO's also feel downgraded because of her high esteems... boasting and being confident isnt supposed to make people feel that way...

Kiss Me Deadly · Feb 26th, 2008, 05:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dallas

In response to this:

Please remember: "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent".

this is very true, I think my best bet now is to ignore it and do my best regardless if she "likes" me or not..

illinirdhd · Feb 26th, 2008, 05:49 PM

Please try not to let her make you feel like you (or your parents) are inadequate. Your BF obviously thinks you're good enough, and she does too or she'd be mean to you! Of course you're good enough for him! Lucky she's just annoying and not like Jane Fonda in Monster in Law!

Kiss Me Deadly · Feb 26th, 2008, 05:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by illinirdhd

Please try not to let her make you feel like you (or your parents) are inadequate. Your BF obviously thinks you're good enough, and she does too or she'd be mean to you! Of course you're good enough for him! Lucky she's just annoying and not like Jane Fonda in Monster in Law!

haha thats true, the inadequacy was just and example of how far she went one day.. she went on for like an hour with me (about my BF's brothers GF's parents) to the point where I wanted to tell her that there are more important things in the world and frankly, I could care less..

helium · Feb 26th, 2008, 06:25 PM

While some people say 'when you marry a guy you're marrying their whole family', I don't think that's true. Unless you're living with the whole family.

So i'd just ignore her. If I can manage to ignore my future mother in law, you can too (mine is from hell).

Feb 26th, 2008, 01:46 PM	#1
Kiss Me Deadly Woosaaa Location: New York!!	Need advice on my BF's mom/Future MIL Hey guys..I guess its my turn to rant.. and ugh am I just itching to get this out.. Well ive been with my BF for about 5 years now and im pretty close with his family, I always hang out with them, at their family functions etc etc.. well, in the first 4 years, I adored his mom.. always thought she was so much cooler than my mom, fashionable, just nicer... In the 5th year that we've been together, it seems that she is only talking to me when shes bragging to me about her life, her dates and various gifts she gets from her boyfriends.. shes only interested in showing me clothes and shoes she buys...and only talks to me about my bags (where in which 2 days later she will show up with a replica or designer inspired version of my exact bag..) But to continue... shes a lawyer and can only date guys in high positions and is just so shallow... I am beginning to detest her, and I hate that since I love my BF... my BF knows and agrees that his mom is so shallow and brags alot, he just tells me to ignore her, but shes like always in my face..and worst of all, after her bragging she wont ask you how you are or whats new in your life, for fear that its more thrilling than hers.. I just always have the urge to throw a rude comment at her or something when shes showing off her stuff or bragging...the problem is, she does it non stop to the point where Im afraid one day im gonna snap and curse her out or something... Anyone have a similar experience or any advice before I just totally snap on this woman one day..... thanks! __________________

Feb 26th, 2008, 02:45 PM	#2
Carmen82 Member	Re: Need advice on my BF's mom/Future MIL I feel so bad for you..one of my ex bf's mothers was the same and it was really bad for our relationship...needless to say, we aren't together anymore __________________ Visit my shopping blog @ www.shoppingwithlove.com

Feb 26th, 2008, 03:00 PM	#3
Speedy Sofa King Banned Location: N. California	Re: Need advice on my BF's mom/Future MIL Wow. I'm sorry she's turned out this way. Perhaps she feels since you are :into" bags and designer clothing, she only shows you that side of her now? Looks like to me she's trying to share things you have in common. May not be the way you like, but she's trying. As for copying you, I've always thought that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and she likes it enough on you to try that look herself. That's not easy for us older gals to do BTW! My best advice when she starts acting shallow is to change the subject. Branch the conversations out to other things not related to what she constantly talks about. Ask her if she saw such and such a movie, or her opinion on a current event.

Feb 26th, 2008, 03:29 PM	#4
Kiss Me Deadly Woosaaa Location: New York!!	Re: Need advice on my BF's mom/Future MIL ^^thanks for the advice Speedy, Ive tried to see things that way.. like maybe she appreciates the clothes and bags so she will talk to me about it.. but its not that its a conversation or banter on certain things its just alll about her and her friends and life and that she/they are better than everyone... Its the bragging that makes me nuts..I even said to myself that she brags so much because shes trying to make up for the shameful life she had in the past (shes been through 3 rough divorces).. I always try to change the conversation and even sometimes not respond to her, but its kind of hard when she runs to me and shoves her ears (with the ugly earrings on them) in my face... like how am I supposed to pretend not to notice that.. ugh, at that particular instance I just wanted to blurt out that my earrings were nicer, but im too polite.... __________________

Feb 26th, 2008, 04:38 PM	#5
Speedy Sofa King Banned Location: N. California	Re: Need advice on my BF's mom/Future MIL I think you are right, she's trying to make up for some deep down inadequecies in her youth, the divorces speak volumes. I always feel sorry for people like this though. Someday something may happen that she's not going to enjoy, an accident, a fire, a crime against her, and she'll be forced to see things differently. You can only hope this doesn't happen, since people who DO feel "but for the Grace of the Gods" they do understand and have sympathy, something she'll want if she's the one who's been changed forever by fate or fortune. Seriously, I'd limit my time with her if she continues to do this. As someone once said, "No-one can take advantage of you unless you allow it" and it goes for braggarts and bores as well. Good luck! I have the most wonderful MIL, but I wasn't her first DIL, so I got a more understanding lady who begged me to take her son off her hands. ;-)

Feb 26th, 2008, 05:12 PM	#6
ladyeeboutique Member Location: In my own little world	Re: Need advice on my BF's mom/Future MIL I say just ignore her dear!

Feb 26th, 2008, 05:31 PM	#7
illinirdhd Sofa King Hooked Location: Las Vegas, NV	Re: Need advice on my BF's mom/Future MIL Your story reminded me of a joke I heard once. I don't remember the specifics, but the punch line was (in a southern accent) something along the lines of: Momma taught me to say "that's nice" instead of "kiss my ass!" Anyway, yeah, people like that are tough. You can learn to deal with a typical acquaintance, but since this woman may be family some day, you have to watch your step a little bit. I guess just try to be nice and resist the urge to strangle her with her fake bags and ugly earrings? One thing is for sure, if BF knows what a pain his mom can be (and he does!), he will really appreciate you being as nice as possible to her, even if he doesn't tell you that. __________________

Feb 26th, 2008, 05:49 PM	#13
illinirdhd Sofa King Hooked Location: Las Vegas, NV	Re: Need advice on my BF's mom/Future MIL Please try not to let her make you feel like you (or your parents) are inadequate. Your BF obviously thinks you're good enough, and she does too or she'd be mean to you! Of course you're good enough for him! Lucky she's just annoying and not like Jane Fonda in Monster in Law! __________________

Feb 26th, 2008, 06:25 PM	#15
helium Member	Re: Need advice on my BF's mom/Future MIL While some people say 'when you marry a guy you're marrying their whole family', I don't think that's true. Unless you're living with the whole family. So i'd just ignore her. If I can manage to ignore my future mother in law, you can too (mine is from hell).