Need advice about a friend

EllenIsGenerous · Jun 25th, 2008, 05:34 PM

THis is kind of long.

Well, I have this friend that I have been friends with since about 2nd grade. We have been through a lot together and she has always been there for me as I have been there for here. When my husband and I were going to split up the first time, she was there to talk me through it. After we got back together she was was cutting my hair, 'cause she also does hair and she is really good. Anyway, she was cutting my hair telling me about this guy she has been "talking to" and they kisssed and made out at an after party. A little background on her, she is married and has children, 8 and 3. She has been married for about 6 years. I had JUST gone through a cheating husband and gotten back together with him and she told me this. I shrugged it off, after she somewhat apologized for actually bringing it up to me after what I had been going through. I felt sick, but I didn't want her to know becuase I wanted her to still feel that she could come to me if she needed to. So, fast forward a few years. A mutual friend of ours suddenly stopped talking to her, she couldn't understand why so I asked our friend. She told me that she was just sick of everything that, we'll call her Allie, Allie was doing and she just couldn't do it. She explained that she just heard way too many things about Allie, things like, parting, not going home after a party, never beeing with her kids and hooking up with guys. She said that she couldn't be around that. She, lets call our mutual friend Kate, was a mother of 3, happly married and just wasn't into the party scene anymore and just wished Allie would get out of it and grow up.
After I talked to Kate I started thinking and kind of stayed away from Allie. I got really sick and couldn't attend her daughers brithday party and left her a voice mail. She never called me back bacuase I am sure she was mad. I have not called her to get a hair cut, that I desperately need and I think she knows why.
I got a text message yesterday telling me that we "clearly need to talk". I guess what I am asking is. I am not juding her, or mad at her. I just have no time for drama in my life. I am on my second attempt at jumpstarting my marriage. I started a new full time job after being a SAHM for 6 years and I have 2 children to deal with. Yes, I might have some thoughts about what she could do different in her life, but I am not mad or NEED to talk to her about things. I feel that she has a lot of guilt and when someone kind of stopes talking to her, she automatically assumes that I am mad at her or thinking bad things about her. I felt like texting back and saying, no we don't have to talk.... but I didn't want to have that come out wrong. I just wanted her to know that I was fine with everything, it is others she needs to talk to. But then I would bring others into it and I dont want to do that. So, I just ignored the text. I guess in the time that I have taken to write this I could have called her, but I just cant deal with drama. I have TOO much in my life to deal with drama that really isnt drama, just guilt.
Am I being stupid? I am a 30 year old army wife and mother of 3 a step mother of 1 with an ex wife that it a witch and a 23 year old that has pursud my husband and almost got him. If someone thinks I am upset with them because of something small then they need to know what I am going through to realize that it takes a lot to get me focused on something new.
Sorry, another little tid bit, I was out with my husband and some friends and Allie was out also, I was talking to another mutual friend about a HS reuning that was coming up and I said that Allies husband should go, our friend said, oh, its ok, I am going and I said, well, I think Allies husband should go anyway....MEANING, I would like her husband to go so mine wouldnt be the only one. Well, Allie came up to me saying that we needed to "talk" she asked me why I would say that and was it because I thought she would do something with an old class mate behind her husbands back. It was so funny to me because that had not even come into my mind. She was just so upset that I would say such a thing and I didnt even think it. It is just to the point that so many people think bad of her and she thinks I do too so she assumes things. I told her flat out that if I had a problem with her, then I would tell her. Now this text!!!

Just tell me if I am being a bad friend.....or what I should be doing...I have never had to deal with this.
Sorry for all the misspells!!!!

leothelnss · Jun 25th, 2008, 06:20 PM

You're not being a bad friend. I think drifting is perfectly normal after what you've witnessed her doing to her husband... And after what your husband did to you. I am not a person who could deal with that, and I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who was cheating on their DH, especially if I had just managed to save my relationship from ending over the same issue.
It's up to you if you want to be her friend still or not, it sounds like her actions are something you're willing to deal with. But don't keep in contact with her just because she gives a good hair cut.
If you plan on talking to her, do it in person and maybe even tell her how her cheating and telling you about it makes you feel.

moi et mes sacs · Jun 25th, 2008, 06:31 PM

I think a friend is somebody you need to feel comfortable with. This lady clearly made you feel uncomfortable by bragging about her exploits with men shortly after you had been through so much hurt. AND she has the audacity to act like the injured party. Personally I would not like to spend time with her after that and you do not have to talk to her if you dont want to. It sounds as though she should be talking to her husband.

bagnshoofetish · Jun 25th, 2008, 06:33 PM

yuck. your friend is causing her own problems. her behavior is destructive to her family and friends. you reap what you sow. stop absorbing her drama. a real friend would not require that of you. if she is losing friends, it is her own damn fault. if she is assuming that people think the worst of her, she needs to examine why that is and she KNOWS why that is - because she is behaving deceitfully. if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, its a duck.
tell her basically what you have told us; "I do not have the energy to take part in your drama. Please don't ask me to." There are consequences to our actions and she cannot have her cake and eat it too. I find it very selfish and insensitive to think you would even halfway condone her cheating when you have been the victim of that. It just sounds like she thinks the world revolves around her. Put your own sanity and you families happiness and peace FIRST before your friendship with her. She clearly is not considering that as what she is doing has a way of infiltrating your personal business and she has no right to put you in such a position. Hope she gets her act together. Friends should encourage and build each other up, not allow their toxic behavior to poison everyone around them. Focus on the friends around you who do not do this to you.

lovinalotofbags · Jun 26th, 2008, 12:24 AM

Yup agree. I have always been a fan of getting excess drama out of my life.That was very insensitive of her to mention her exploits when you are trying to hold together your relationship. Everything she is doing is getting around and people do not want to be around someone like. If she asks, you just have to tell her how you feel and leave it at that.

Jun 25th, 2008, 05:34 PM	#1
EllenIsGenerous Ellen Location: Maine	Need advice about a friend THis is kind of long. Well, I have this friend that I have been friends with since about 2nd grade. We have been through a lot together and she has always been there for me as I have been there for here. When my husband and I were going to split up the first time, she was there to talk me through it. After we got back together she was was cutting my hair, 'cause she also does hair and she is really good. Anyway, she was cutting my hair telling me about this guy she has been "talking to" and they kisssed and made out at an after party. A little background on her, she is married and has children, 8 and 3. She has been married for about 6 years. I had JUST gone through a cheating husband and gotten back together with him and she told me this. I shrugged it off, after she somewhat apologized for actually bringing it up to me after what I had been going through. I felt sick, but I didn't want her to know becuase I wanted her to still feel that she could come to me if she needed to. So, fast forward a few years. A mutual friend of ours suddenly stopped talking to her, she couldn't understand why so I asked our friend. She told me that she was just sick of everything that, we'll call her Allie, Allie was doing and she just couldn't do it. She explained that she just heard way too many things about Allie, things like, parting, not going home after a party, never beeing with her kids and hooking up with guys. She said that she couldn't be around that. She, lets call our mutual friend Kate, was a mother of 3, happly married and just wasn't into the party scene anymore and just wished Allie would get out of it and grow up. After I talked to Kate I started thinking and kind of stayed away from Allie. I got really sick and couldn't attend her daughers brithday party and left her a voice mail. She never called me back bacuase I am sure she was mad. I have not called her to get a hair cut, that I desperately need and I think she knows why. I got a text message yesterday telling me that we "clearly need to talk". I guess what I am asking is. I am not juding her, or mad at her. I just have no time for drama in my life. I am on my second attempt at jumpstarting my marriage. I started a new full time job after being a SAHM for 6 years and I have 2 children to deal with. Yes, I might have some thoughts about what she could do different in her life, but I am not mad or NEED to talk to her about things. I feel that she has a lot of guilt and when someone kind of stopes talking to her, she automatically assumes that I am mad at her or thinking bad things about her. I felt like texting back and saying, no we don't have to talk.... but I didn't want to have that come out wrong. I just wanted her to know that I was fine with everything, it is others she needs to talk to. But then I would bring others into it and I dont want to do that. So, I just ignored the text. I guess in the time that I have taken to write this I could have called her, but I just cant deal with drama. I have TOO much in my life to deal with drama that really isnt drama, just guilt. Am I being stupid? I am a 30 year old army wife and mother of 3 a step mother of 1 with an ex wife that it a witch and a 23 year old that has pursud my husband and almost got him. If someone thinks I am upset with them because of something small then they need to know what I am going through to realize that it takes a lot to get me focused on something new. Sorry, another little tid bit, I was out with my husband and some friends and Allie was out also, I was talking to another mutual friend about a HS reuning that was coming up and I said that Allies husband should go, our friend said, oh, its ok, I am going and I said, well, I think Allies husband should go anyway....MEANING, I would like her husband to go so mine wouldnt be the only one. Well, Allie came up to me saying that we needed to "talk" she asked me why I would say that and was it because I thought she would do something with an old class mate behind her husbands back. It was so funny to me because that had not even come into my mind. She was just so upset that I would say such a thing and I didnt even think it. It is just to the point that so many people think bad of her and she thinks I do too so she assumes things. I told her flat out that if I had a problem with her, then I would tell her. Now this text!!! Just tell me if I am being a bad friend.....or what I should be doing...I have never had to deal with this. Sorry for all the misspells!!!! __________________ Ellen

Jun 25th, 2008, 06:20 PM	#2
leothelnss Bad in a good way Location: Burtonsville, MD	You're not being a bad friend. I think drifting is perfectly normal after what you've witnessed her doing to her husband... And after what your husband did to you. I am not a person who could deal with that, and I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who was cheating on their DH, especially if I had just managed to save my relationship from ending over the same issue. It's up to you if you want to be her friend still or not, it sounds like her actions are something you're willing to deal with. But don't keep in contact with her just because she gives a good hair cut. If you plan on talking to her, do it in person and maybe even tell her how her cheating and telling you about it makes you feel. __________________ myspace.com/leothelnss "It's cool to know nothin'" - Kaiser Chiefs

Jun 25th, 2008, 06:31 PM	#3
moi et mes sacs Science Geek!	I think a friend is somebody you need to feel comfortable with. This lady clearly made you feel uncomfortable by bragging about her exploits with men shortly after you had been through so much hurt. AND she has the audacity to act like the injured party. Personally I would not like to spend time with her after that and you do not have to talk to her if you dont want to. It sounds as though she should be talking to her husband. __________________ If you never change your mind, why have one? Edward de Bono

Jun 25th, 2008, 06:33 PM	#4
bagnshoofetish We Love Our Billy	yuck. your friend is causing her own problems. her behavior is destructive to her family and friends. you reap what you sow. stop absorbing her drama. a real friend would not require that of you. if she is losing friends, it is her own damn fault. if she is assuming that people think the worst of her, she needs to examine why that is and she KNOWS why that is - because she is behaving deceitfully. if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, its a duck. tell her basically what you have told us; "I do not have the energy to take part in your drama. Please don't ask me to." There are consequences to our actions and she cannot have her cake and eat it too. I find it very selfish and insensitive to think you would even halfway condone her cheating when you have been the victim of that. It just sounds like she thinks the world revolves around her. Put your own sanity and you families happiness and peace FIRST before your friendship with her. She clearly is not considering that as what she is doing has a way of infiltrating your personal business and she has no right to put you in such a position. Hope she gets her act together. Friends should encourage and build each other up, not allow their toxic behavior to poison everyone around them. Focus on the friends around you who do not do this to you. __________________ Please help us: http://forum.purseblog.com/animalici...nt-392607.html

Jun 26th, 2008, 12:24 AM	#5
lovinalotofbags In for the long haul Location: South Carolina	Yup agree. I have always been a fan of getting excess drama out of my life.That was very insensitive of her to mention her exploits when you are trying to hold together your relationship. Everything she is doing is getting around and people do not want to be around someone like. If she asks, you just have to tell her how you feel and leave it at that. __________________ Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.