Need a little "friend" advie

Miyoshi637 · Jun 29th, 2008, 04:55 PM

Here's a little background first.

A few years ago, I started to hang out with one of my co-workers. He was cool and we seemed to get along really good. We would hang out, go to movies, shop, go out to eat etc. We became good friends and we listened to each other's problems.

Well he started to hang out with new people and started to party a lot more, drink and dabble in smoking weed. Three things I'm not into at all. So whenever he would drink, he would be so mean to me and say hurtful things to me. So I started to distance myself from him. Whenever any of my friends get drunk, I play mother hen and make sure they get home ok (I usually am the DD anyways) make sure they don't do stupid things, and I clean up after there's a party too.

Well late last year, his parents were going through a Divorce (And still are) I asked him and told him if he needed to talk or wanted to hang out to get away from it all, then I would be there for him. But he never said a word about to me, just to another friend who was telling me about the whole situation.

So here's the thing, I basically stopped talking to him, since he would say hurtful things to me and tell me how much of a horrible person I was when he was drunk. He was getting into smoking pot everyday and was just being really immature and selfish. I called him a few weeks ago to see how he was doing and wanted to see how his sister and parents are doing. (I love his family) Also because my mom saw him and he asked her to ask me to call him. I did and think it's the biggest mistake I could of ever made

He's blaming me for all his problems, telling me it's my fault he turned into an alcoholic, pothead and that he started to smoke cigs because of all the stress in his life. And that I should have been there for him and that I wasn't a friend at all because I stopped talking to him.

Now I'm just wondering and a little annoyed at him because I don't think this is my fault at all. Was I wrong to stop talking to him?

My best friend says that he's an idiot and that she would never blame me for anything that's going on in her life. People live their own lives and shouldn't blame other's for their problems. I really

my best friend. But I'm still a little uneasy about the whole situation.

Sternchen · Jun 29th, 2008, 06:05 PM

These are the types of "friends" that you need to distance yourself from because they will only bring negativity in your life and try to blame you for anything that goes wrong based on their own actions. You are not responsible for him and you are not responsible for the decisions that he chose to make.

I wouldn't even respond to this guy, because he doesn't deserve your time and energy. From what you wrote you were a good friend to him, but you cannot control him and make him do the right thing. I would never be friends with someone who disrespects me, but sometimes it actually takes something like this to see how BAD of a friend a person can really be. You weren't in the wrong for distancing yourself from him, and (if I were you) I would distance myself even more because he sounds like trouble.

Sez · Jun 29th, 2008, 06:35 PM

Alcoholics are very good at blaming the mess they've created on the people around them. Especially, in my experience, on the people who tried to help them. What happened isn't your fault. It sounds like you were a good friend and he made the mistake of throwing that away. Now he's looking for someone to blame because he doesn't want to face up to the fact that it's his fault. And until he's ready to take responsibility for his own actions (if he ever is) then he is not someone you want to be around.

lovinalotofbags · Jun 29th, 2008, 07:57 PM

Keep your distance. He is toxic, yada yada yada. Move on.

VPT · Jun 29th, 2008, 08:14 PM

Your best friend is absolutely right. I think your mom has no clue about the extent of the damage he has brought upon himself that's why she asked you to give him a call. Distance yourself from him, you have no idea what harm he may do to you in future.

maddog · Jun 29th, 2008, 11:18 PM

Sorry to hear he put the blame on you. It's not your fault at all. He's an adult and it's cowardly to blame someone else for his own actions. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Any sane person would've distanced themselves. Please don't let him make you feel bad and stay away from the dude. He made his mess and he's looking for someone to drown with him.

Miyoshi637 · Jun 29th, 2008, 11:29 PM

Thank you everyone! That's what I thought, I think he wants me to feel sorry for him, but I really don't. It's not my fault and I'm not the one who turned him into a alcoholic at all. I'm going to stay away and just let him be.

amber11 · Jun 29th, 2008, 11:41 PM

this is definitely not your fault, you did the right thing by distancing yourself who would voluntarily put themselves up for abuse? and then took the higher ground when you called him again when he was going through a rough spot- so no you did nothing wrong! i have a feeling he's probably just so confused with his own problems that he can't see at all what he's doing right now- give him some time and maybe he'll come around,, for now though i think i'd leave him be

Jun 29th, 2008, 04:55 PM	#1
Miyoshi637 Frankin-Stinks Location: Bay Area	Need a little "friend" advie Here's a little background first. A few years ago, I started to hang out with one of my co-workers. He was cool and we seemed to get along really good. We would hang out, go to movies, shop, go out to eat etc. We became good friends and we listened to each other's problems. Well he started to hang out with new people and started to party a lot more, drink and dabble in smoking weed. Three things I'm not into at all. So whenever he would drink, he would be so mean to me and say hurtful things to me. So I started to distance myself from him. Whenever any of my friends get drunk, I play mother hen and make sure they get home ok (I usually am the DD anyways) make sure they don't do stupid things, and I clean up after there's a party too. Well late last year, his parents were going through a Divorce (And still are) I asked him and told him if he needed to talk or wanted to hang out to get away from it all, then I would be there for him. But he never said a word about to me, just to another friend who was telling me about the whole situation. So here's the thing, I basically stopped talking to him, since he would say hurtful things to me and tell me how much of a horrible person I was when he was drunk. He was getting into smoking pot everyday and was just being really immature and selfish. I called him a few weeks ago to see how he was doing and wanted to see how his sister and parents are doing. (I love his family) Also because my mom saw him and he asked her to ask me to call him. I did and think it's the biggest mistake I could of ever made He's blaming me for all his problems, telling me it's my fault he turned into an alcoholic, pothead and that he started to smoke cigs because of all the stress in his life. And that I should have been there for him and that I wasn't a friend at all because I stopped talking to him. Now I'm just wondering and a little annoyed at him because I don't think this is my fault at all. Was I wrong to stop talking to him? My best friend says that he's an idiot and that she would never blame me for anything that's going on in her life. People live their own lives and shouldn't blame other's for their problems. I really my best friend. But I'm still a little uneasy about the whole situation. __________________ All I need for Christmas is new tires for my car!

Jun 29th, 2008, 06:05 PM	#2
Sternchen We're having a boy!! Location: Beauty RAOK	These are the types of "friends" that you need to distance yourself from because they will only bring negativity in your life and try to blame you for anything that goes wrong based on their own actions. You are not responsible for him and you are not responsible for the decisions that he chose to make. I wouldn't even respond to this guy, because he doesn't deserve your time and energy. From what you wrote you were a good friend to him, but you cannot control him and make him do the right thing. I would never be friends with someone who disrespects me, but sometimes it actually takes something like this to see how BAD of a friend a person can really be. You weren't in the wrong for distancing yourself from him, and (if I were you) I would distance myself even more because he sounds like trouble. __________________ My 2 wonderful girls, Nicole (5) and Julia (1) will be big sisters soon! My pregnancy blog

Jun 29th, 2008, 07:57 PM	#4
lovinalotofbags In for the long haul Location: South Carolina	Keep your distance. He is toxic, yada yada yada. Move on. __________________ Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.

Jun 29th, 2008, 08:14 PM	#5
VPT i ♥ blood oranges Location: Singapore / Vancouver	Your best friend is absolutely right. I think your mom has no clue about the extent of the damage he has brought upon himself that's why she asked you to give him a call. Distance yourself from him, you have no idea what harm he may do to you in future. __________________

Jun 29th, 2008, 11:29 PM	#7
Miyoshi637 Frankin-Stinks Location: Bay Area	Thank you everyone! That's what I thought, I think he wants me to feel sorry for him, but I really don't. It's not my fault and I'm not the one who turned him into a alcoholic at all. I'm going to stay away and just let him be. __________________ All I need for Christmas is new tires for my car!

Jun 29th, 2008, 06:35 PM	#3
Sez Bag lady Location: London	Alcoholics are very good at blaming the mess they've created on the people around them. Especially, in my experience, on the people who tried to help them. What happened isn't your fault. It sounds like you were a good friend and he made the mistake of throwing that away. Now he's looking for someone to blame because he doesn't want to face up to the fact that it's his fault. And until he's ready to take responsibility for his own actions (if he ever is) then he is not someone you want to be around.

Jun 29th, 2008, 11:18 PM	#6
maddog Mmmkay	Sorry to hear he put the blame on you. It's not your fault at all. He's an adult and it's cowardly to blame someone else for his own actions. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Any sane person would've distanced themselves. Please don't let him make you feel bad and stay away from the dude. He made his mess and he's looking for someone to drown with him.

Jun 29th, 2008, 11:41 PM	#8
amber11 Member	this is definitely not your fault, you did the right thing by distancing yourself who would voluntarily put themselves up for abuse? and then took the higher ground when you called him again when he was going through a rough spot- so no you did nothing wrong! i have a feeling he's probably just so confused with his own problems that he can't see at all what he's doing right now- give him some time and maybe he'll come around,, for now though i think i'd leave him be