[abbygirl]

I have two great friends that are my neighbors - we do alot of bonding, shopping, trips, etc.

I am closer to each one than they are of each other. We each bring different things to our relationship and depend alot on me for support through their trials and tribulations; mainly because I am a few years older, been married 28 years, been through it all and have gained alot of knowledge throughout the years.

One is going through a difficult time with her marriage and she comes to me many times a day/week asking for advice. Our other girlfriend knows about the problems also, but without giving much info, doesn't care to be involved.

I am not a judgemental person, as I believe it's not my place; that is for the man above. I understand what she is going through and tell her she needs to give her marriage 110% before she gives up. She has a really good husband.

Anyway, that's not the problem that I need help with, I just wanted to give background.

My one girlfriend (the one with the marital problems) is having a birthday in a couple of days. My other girlfriend and I are taking her out for dinner and drinks to celebrate. We also decided she needed to laugh.....alot....so we planned on taking her to our gay friends house because they are so so funny. She loves gay guys, and has wanted to meet them forever, so we thought it would be a great time to do it.

The b-day girl calls me tonight and says she made reservations at her favorite restaurant - sounds good so far. She then states she wants us to go to a retirement party for the chief of police for our large city.....just for a few minutes. Well, I know why she wants to go and I know it will be longer than a few minutes, but I am just a "go with the flow" kinda person and figured we can push her out of there within 30 minutes and still make it to our gay friends house.

My other girlfriend is reallllly pissed as she said that she had already told her we had planned a nice evening for her. She feels as though she is being selfish and using us to be able to attend this party. Partly true, but she has a very good girlfriend on the police force and wants to smooze with them all and still wants to make it to our gay friends house. Problem is, we do not want to stay out late and in order to accomodate the b-day girl, we almost have too. Also, my girlfriend wants me to tell her we will plan our dinner for her another time because she is so upset about this.

I am stuck in the middle.

What to do?

I am now stuck in the middle

[anez]

I think if it's your friend's birthday, you should do what she wants. She is obviously having a hard time in her life right now, and if your other friend truly cares about giving the b-day girl a happy night and not just getting credit for having "planned a nice evening", she would go along with the wishes of the person the evening is supposed to be about.

The two of you can always visit your gay friend another time (although it's unfortunate that you'll have to let him/her down by saying you're not coming that night).

It sounds to me like your girlfriend (the non-birthday one) is being very selfish and childish by wanting to back out at all just because she's not getting her way (and it's not even her birthday!) and again by trying to put you in the middle.

If I were you, I would ask her to speak directly to the birthday girl if she wants to put off the night out. Either that or tell the other friend you will do the night out with the three of you another time, and go to dinner and the party with your friend on her birthday. I feel sorry for you for getting stuck in the middle, though-- as you say, you're clearly the grownup of the bunch, and that's always tough!

[abbygirl]

I don't think it's because my friend is being selfish so much as this was what the plans were and the b-girl knew it. PLUS, the party that she wants us to go to, although a retirement party for a police chief, has alot of police officers that she has an "interest" in, and my girlfriend doesn't want to be a part of that. She thinks she is basically using us to be able to attend because her husband trusts us.

Now with that being said, the b-girl would not do anything to embarrass either one of us at the party, but my g-friend feels she shouldn't put us in a position that we may possibly have to lie about.

[anez]

Oh, I can understand your friend's hesitance now. ): There are some situations you shouldn't put a friend in, birthday or not...! Maybe you could come up with some other reason to refuse the party? Blame your husband or kids-- that's what they're there for! Say you can't stay out late, or that you had already promised your friend (the gay one) that you'd visit or something?

[[coco]]

Ah yeah - if my friends planned something for my birthday (and I had no plans to start with) i would not make other plans... but that is just me. Did she know you were planning something?

[merika]

Why don't you tell her you'll just reschedule her birthday party for another day? It's kind of bad form to take her places that will encourage her 'flirtations' with other people, if that's what she's going to the police chief's party for.

[riffraff]

Originally Posted by abbygirl

I don't think it's because my friend is being selfish so much as this was what the plans were and the b-girl knew it. PLUS, the party that she wants us to go to, although a retirement party for a police chief, has alot of police officers that she has an "interest" in, and my girlfriend doesn't want to be a part of that. She thinks she is basically using us to be able to attend because her husband trusts us.

Now with that being said, the b-girl would not do anything to embarrass either one of us at the party, but my g-friend feels she shouldn't put us in a position that we may possibly have to lie about.

Sorry you're stuck in the middle and trying and wanting to please both friends. I tend to agree with your non-birthday-girlfriend. I wouldn't want to be involved either, you can only talk to the birthday girl and hopefully she will see the kind of position she will be putting you both in and agree it's not the done thing (I very much doubt it though ).

[illinirdhd]

I think the other posters are right. Reschedule your dinner for another night or use your hubbies/kids as an excuse for an early dinner and getting home early. Good friends DO listen without judging (just like you're doing), but they don't help a friend do something like go out to flirt with a bunch of cops when she's already married. Even if she doesn't put you in a position of having to cover for her, etc. on her b-day, your other friend is right - that will probably be something you'll have to deal with sooner or later.

[Minnie05]

Originally Posted by illinirdhd

Even if she doesn't put you in a position of having to cover for her, etc. on her b-day, your other friend is right - that will probably be something you'll have to deal with sooner or later.

[Laurie8504]

Originally Posted by abbygirl

lShe then states she wants us to go to a retirement party for the chief of police for our large city.....just for a few minutes. Well, I know why she wants to go and I know it will be longer than a few minutes, but I am just a "go with the flow" kinda person and figured we can push her out of there within 30 minutes and still make it to our gay friends house.

I didn't really understand this part..does it have to do with her marriage problems and wanting to see a guy there?

Anyway, sounds like the b-day girl's the one who made the reservations, so it's not like you guys were planning things for her. Could you move dinner up a little bit so you wouldn't have to stay out so late? I think it's fine for her to want to do something she wants on her b-day instead of meeting your friends that she doesn't even know.
However, if this is going to be a case of her flirting with endangering her marriage, then I wouldn't want any part if it and would not agree to go.