My Boyfriend's Family Hates Me

[Claire23]

Hi Everyone,

I'm really struggling with my relationship. My boyfriend's family is unlike any other family I've ever heard of. They never wanted him to have relationships in his past and always hated all of his previous girlfriends...for no reason other than they didn't want anyone taking him away from them. When I met my boyfriend, a fully grown man in his 30s, he was having dinner with his family members four nights a week and speaking to his mother, father, aunt, sister, etc. about 5 times a day. We went on a vacation early on to London and even though they knew we were far away (we live in nyc), they called him about ten times a day so that we never really got to enjoy ourselves (he took all of the calls). When I finally met them, they were extremely cold to me and didn't try to get to know me at all. I sent them cards, bought them presents and tried to be as nice as possible, but it was clear that I was just another threat to them. Long story short, my boyfriend started falling in love with me and naturally was around less for all of the family dinners and phone calls. He asked them if he could have some space so he could focus on growing our relationship a bit and they absolutely lost it. I guess with previous girlfriends he had never taken a stand against their control. Instead of reacting nicely and respecting him, they started to attack me. Now they absolutely hate me even though they don't know me and when they did meet me I was extremely sweet and caring.

It started with them calling me awful names and telling my BF to leave me. Then they took it further and started emailing me saying abusive things about how I must not care about family. Then they went further and started saying that I was an insane person and must be blackmailing or brainwashing my BF. Then they started to contact the people at my office to see if they could find anything out about me. WTF!!!!!! It finally went overboard when they decided to sue my boyfriend and take away all of his money (he had financial ties to his dad from working for his company). They pretty much started acting like something out of the Godfather. It got so bad with them background checking me at one point that I feared they might try to harm me. Needless to say, my BF was forced to stop speaking to all of them. Their actions went too far and he could see how crazy they were being for no reason.

This all happened about 4 years ago and several months ago they tried to contact my BF again. They are saying that they are different now and are even offering him money and a brand new apartment to come back into the family. Unfortunately, I think my BF is blinded by how badly he needs money and now he's saying he wants them back! I absolutely cannot be around them because they terrify me and I know if he lets them back into his life (even if i dont see them) they will force him to dump me. One way or another, they will come between us.

I truly feel that they took things too far. Yes, I am a forgiving person...but I feared my personal safety on most days when this was all happening and am still extremely embarrassed when im at my office that these freaks called to ask about me. Again, who does that?!

I'm considering leaving my BF because right now he thinks I am a roadblock between him and his family. I feel that if he can't protect me from them, I can't commit more of my life to him. We really both need to be on the same page. Unfortunately, we live together and act as if we are basically married. Leaving him would be extremely hard for me but staying seems just as hard--especially bc now he says he wants them back but is "choosing me". I'm nervous he's only going to resent me if he "chooses me" instead of choosing this for himself or for his own life.

Does anyone have any advice? Do you think he is just being overly emotional now bc he heard from them and might come to his senses soon?

Thanks.

[BagLadie]

His family sounds like a cult - and one that he wants to get sucked back into.

I wouldn't put up with any of this. I don't know what advice to give you - but I would say "see ya" if I were you.

[turboflgrl]

If you 100% believe that you are going to be harmed in any way, you NEED to leave. It will suck and though he shouldn't be forced to choose between his family or you, YOU can make that decision for yourself by leaving the situation all together. I'm so sorry - they sound absolutely awful.

[BigBagLady]

I'd say this is not a relationship that you deserve to be in. I would run if I were you!

[petitechouchou]

You can never ask someone to choose between his family or love because no one should be force to make that decision. It sounds like they are trying to manipulate him to come back to the family and if you don't feel he can protect you, you need to stay as far away as possible. They sound crazy and I am sorry you have to deal with this again!

[simplygm819]

Whoa that is scary! Does his family expect him to grow old and lonely and stay with them forever? This is so insane, I don't even know how you can possibly deal with crazies like them!

[Cheetah7]

I'm sorry but his family sounds like a total nut case. Frankly I don't think I can stay in a relationship with a "supposedly" grown man who allows his family to dictate how he lives his life. It's too much drama to have to put up with and there's no reason why you should have to. If you feel he can't protect you against them, it's probably better for you to leave this relationship, as hard as that may be.

[floridasun8]

That family does sound criminally crazy and I would have been worried as well if my bf's family was doing what they were doing, however I just wonder if maybe they really have changed? There is really no way to know until you/him give them a chance. Maybe now that it is several years later, they may have matured, it may have finally hit them that their son deserves a relationship and it may have hit them that they need to accept the other woman if they want their son in their lives.

If it were me, I would give them another chance (not by allowing them to put your bf up in his own apartment and such), but I would give them the chance to have a relationship and give you a second chance, whether emotionally and/or financially.

Only after a second chance can you really determine whether they were sincere or not. Then, it may be time to make a decision, but dont throw all those years away and your love for your bf just because you assume the extended family will remain crazy. At least not yet. Good luck.

[ILuvShopping]

I agree with the second chance, if they haven't changed then he will see it, just like he did before. You can't make him choose between you or his family because I believe you will most certainly lose.

I would give the family a 2nd chance, making sure they know that YOU are part of the deal. He chose you before and I think if they start to act crazy that he will see it again.

[Love my Tanos]

I think you must be dating my ex boyfriend!! This same type of thing happened to me years ago. It really feels like you're in the twilight zone when you don't come from this type of family.

A second chance sounds like a nice idea in theory, but I'm just not sure what it would look like. To the other posters who suggested that, what did you have in mind?

If you two act like you're "basically married" then if his family are offering money and a new apartment to come back into their lives then I would hope that included you in the deal. If not, then to me it's a sure sign of manipulation and if he's even entertaining the idea, then you and he need to have a major talk. If you two view his family in different ways then this will be a major problem from now on.

Besides that if you still feel in physical danger from these people, then I don't see how you can stay in a relationship with him if he wants to go back and be one big happy family. It sounds like he wants to see the good but not the bad and what you described sounds truly out of control. It's not a case of "I don't like my in laws," it's "I am in danger" and if he's ignoring that then I wouldn't be OK with having him as my partner for life, even though it would be very painful to have to split up over it.

[juneping]

Quote:

I'm considering leaving my BF because right now he thinks I am a roadblock between him and his family

i would let him do whatever he needs and i would pretty much stay away from his family if he's included when necessary.
sorry for what happened...

[jasper_pup]

[Claire23]

Thanks everyone...As much as I'd like to say that a second chance could work, we tried to negotiate with them for almost a year when we first met and it just never seemed to work for more than a week, despite their promises. My bf and I tried everything from him asking for some reasonable boundaries (ie not having dinner four nights a week) to him seeing and speaking to his family when i was not around. nothing seemed to work. To me, the fact that they are manipulating him with money shows me that they really have not changed. They have a lot of money and they use it to control each other. That is not love. Anyone who still needs to do that after all of this time is not coming from a good place. I'm sure they would never admit that if he gives them a second chance he'd have to end things with me--but I do think after he started to let them back in it would become apparent that they would not accept me. Unfortunately they really hate women and all of the SO's are mute or bimbos. Those are the kind of women they "accept" and even then, they still had an issue with anyone "new" coming into the family.

Despite my instincts, I did debate about a second chance asked my bf if he would establish some boundaries to protect me from them if they came back into his life. And he said no! He said if he speaks to them again, he's going to do whatever they ask (even if that means going away with them on the weekends, dinners almost every night of the week, etc). The only reason I could see him doing that is because he really wants their money. He knows if he says no to them (like he did when we first met) there will be financial punishments.

It's such a hard situation--honestly much harder than if he had just cheated on me. The family will always be in the background and now I pretty much understand that my relationship will not be long term. It's extremely hard to be in something that you just don't think will go anywhere--especially as I've watched all of my BFFs get married these past few years...

Thank you all for writing me back. I've been alone with all of these fears and concerns and it's so helpful to have people to chat with.

xoxo

[Love my Tanos]

Originally Posted by Claire23

Despite my instincts, I did debate about a second chance asked my bf if he would establish some boundaries to protect me from them if they came back into his life. And he said no! He said if he speaks to them again, he's going to do whatever they ask (even if that means going away with them on the weekends, dinners almost every night of the week, etc). The only reason I could see him doing that is because he really wants their money. He knows if he says no to them (like he did when we first met) there will be financial punishments. xoxo

Whoa. I'm not a believer in ultimatums but boundaries are a totally different thing and if he's told you that he is willing to do anything to get back in their good graces, then you need to believe him. Frankly I'm disgusted! You are worth more than that. He is knowingly putting you in a situation that freaks you the he** out and he's told you to your face that he basically doesn't care, cause he wants their money! And this is after a LTR with you, it's not like you're his flavor of the week.

Please don't hold on to this relationship if you feel endangered. Especially out of thoughts of how much time you've invested, or that your girlfriends are all married or whatever. His family sounds like the mafia!! And if your girlfriends are married then maybe their husbands can introduce you to some nice, stable, SANE men who have their acts together. You do not need or deserve this kind of nonsense in your life. What he's doing to you is truly messed up and he's making a major mistake whether he realizes it or not.

Are you close with your family that they can help you through this?

[bagaholic85]

I know someone in a VERY similar situation, the difference being that he cut ties with his immediate family (mom, dad, sister) and kept in touch with his grandma, aunts, uncles, and cousins. His immediate family was about as crazy and possessive and abusive as you can be, and forced him to choose between his wife and them. He chose his wife, they were appaled, approached the grandparents and told them that they had to choose between them and their son & his new wife. their response was simply "we are not choosing between anyone" and the crazy parents backed out and basically split the family.

In the meantime, this guy and his wife were married for 10 years (with no contact), had a baby, etc, and they are trying to weasel their way back into the family through the grandma. The wife in this situation put her foot down and said you (the husband) can contact whomever you want in the family. I want nothing to do with it, i dont want them in my home, and i dont want them involved in my sons life. It did create some tension among the family, but personally, im with the wife. I think the only way to handle something like this is to distance yourself from the poison.