Moral Dilemma, Or Over Reacting Roommate?

slidegirlcass · Feb 16th, 2008, 12:55 AM

This happened like 4 years ago, but according to a mutual friend this girl is STILL annoyed by this.

Ok.

Some of you may be familiar with the charity Purple Heart, they collect clothing and stuff and its like a Goodwill type of thing, except they don't sell stuff in stores, just distribute mainly. When I lived in a student rental house we had a pickup on our street each month and one month I decided to get everyone to pool clothes and stuff. After it was all together I started to sort the stuff out - saves them time and helps me get the total for my tax deductions. As I'm sorting my roommate Ashley's bags I see she has a cute little olive canvas BONGO bag that I wanted but couldn't find after it sold out. I put it aside to keep and added a winter coat to her bag to even it out- like I said they don't sell anything, just distribute and I figured that the coat was more important than a tiny cigar bag,

Since she and I didn't hang out she never really saw me with it until one day she busted into my room to give me some mail or something. She never said anything to me but went to my friend/roomie Amy after the fact and totally bitched about how that was "meant for the homeless and she is like totally not homeless" - her words, not mine.

I figured that unlike Goodwill where I could've gone and bought the bag after the fact I was free to take something marked as a donation as long as I replaced it with something else. Was I wrong? I'm asking about this now because we are preparing to have a roommate reunion when our landlord/my friend/BF's college roommate comes back from working in Bahrain next month and Ill have to see her. She has apparently told everyone I am a thief and that she hates me. I say shes holding a grudge.

Thoughts?

jello_1955 · Feb 16th, 2008, 01:08 AM

Four years is a long time to hold a grudge but she does have a point. It would have been better to ask her if you could have had the bag-- she probably would have given it to you.

With that said, there's not much you could do now except offer an apology. If she doesn't accept it, move on.

merde111 · Feb 16th, 2008, 01:11 AM

If she didn't have the nerve to talk to you about it like an ADULT at the time, then I wouldn't worry about it too much! Had she been home, you would have asked her; it's not like you stole it. Since it was just an inexpensive bag, she's making way too big of a deal.

If she mentions it, I'd just say, "Are you kidding me? You really should have asked me about it at the time; nobody stole anything from you. I don't know why you'd think such a negative thing!" Take the high road and act like you expect her to be more mature--and if she's not, just laugh at her and tell her she needs to stop overreacting!

titania029 · Feb 16th, 2008, 01:14 AM

Did she know that you put the winter coat in her pile to replace the bag? If you want to clear the air, go ahead and tell her about the coat, and that you should have asked her before you took the bag. I don't know if I would offer an apology though, it does seem trivial, and for four years...

slidegirlcass · Feb 16th, 2008, 01:19 AM

^^^ I know, right? I didn't see her for like 3 weeks after she gave me the bags - she was a heinous biatch to begin with and was always driving to Philly to spy on her BF to find out if he was dating other girls so I never had a chance to tell her anything. I'm kind of feeling sorry for her that she has nothing in her life exciting enough to outshine our former disagreement for this reunion! I just put that bag in my Goodwill bags - they havent gone out yet, maybe I should give it back!

Laurie8504 · Feb 16th, 2008, 02:04 AM

I really think you should have waited until the bag was in a store to purchase it, or at least asked her if you could trade it out for your coat. I know it seems like an even trade, but I would be a little upset if I found out something I was giving to charity had gone home with someone else (although a 4-year grudge is a bit much!). I think that explaining what happened to her with a nice apology would go a long way towards getting that chip off her shoulder.

Oh, and for future references, the "relationships and family" forum would be a more appropriate place for this type of post

slidegirlcass · Feb 16th, 2008, 02:07 AM

^^See thats the thing, is with Purple Heart they collect and do straight donations to the DC Metro Homeless, no store - I figured a coat would do more good to the homeless than the purse so I switched them out.

Laurie8504 · Feb 16th, 2008, 02:12 AM

^^I agree, and I completely see where you're coming from. It just seems like it was a little disrespectful to her by undercutting her decision to donate the purse.

slidegirlcass · Feb 16th, 2008, 02:16 AM

I agree, and I know that our friend told her that I made a more than even trade and that she was getting the deduction for the coat - $50 instead of $9 - and she seemed fine with it. I even offered to still send it in. She said to my face she was fine with it and then talked a bunch of mess behind my back! I mean honestly though, we were 19 and 20 at the time and now we are 24 and 25! You would think the fricking BONGO bag drama of 2003 would be over!

xIcyBluex · Feb 16th, 2008, 02:27 AM

I don't understand why you couldn't have asked her unless you knew once you saw the bag that she would object. Honestly, I would be pretty pissed if a friend did that to me too. I am the type of person, when somebody pulls a bitch move on me like that, I don't think I would ever trust them or talk to them again. From her point of view, you stole the stuff that she was trying to donate to the homeless... and essentially thats is the truth. You should learn to show more respect for peoples decisions.

slidegirlcass · Feb 16th, 2008, 02:45 AM

She was not around, and considering I that not one single homeless person would need a tiny handbag over a winter coat (in JANUARY) I don't see the harm - and I wouldn't call what I did a "bitch move", nor do I appreciate you calling me a bitch. I swapped her item for a more useful one, gave her the deduction for it, and had it explained to her once she was back in town. I also offered to still give the bag (which cost about $25) to Goodwill after the fact if it was that big of a deal.

BigPurseSue · Feb 16th, 2008, 02:59 AM

A couple thoughts here.

First of all you should have asked her if it was o.k. that you keep the bag. You might have said that it was a bag you really wanted and offered to make a monetary donation to the Purple Heart in her name. Maybe something along the lines of what you would have paid for the bag used.

I suggest that because, although I'm not familiar with how Purple Heart works in your city, in our city the clothes and goods collected don't go directly to the homeless. My understanding is that PH sells them into the donated clothes "food chain" (to wholesalers who may sell select items to thrift stores or other charities who may send clothes overseas, etc). But this may differ in various parts of the country.

Having lived with roommates years ago I know that we all suffered our share of petty animosities and jealousies and inflicted upon each other all manner of uncouth and vile behavior. Just because we were too young to know any better. Or to give our actions the proper forethought. We were just too young. We didn't know better. I would hope that if we ever got together these days we would all forgive each other for our rude and thoughtless acts. It's a long road to anything resembling adulthood and we were all just beginning our journeys.

That said if your old roomie is still annoyed by the purse incident I might suggest making a healthy donation to Purple Heart in her name. Include the thanks-for-the-donation letter from PH in a card to her. Include your own note of apology, saying that the incident still bothers you and it was a horrible lapse of judgement on your part, how could you do such a thing, etc. That should put an end to the situation both in her mind and yours as well as provide some good for the Purple Heart.

claireZk · Feb 16th, 2008, 03:55 AM

I'm not going to get into who's right or wrong here, but maybe she was upset by it because she wanted the purse to go to a good cause and she felt it was wrong that you kept it for yourself?

Either way I think it's a silly thing for her to hold a grudge over. I also think it's really immature for her to be talking sh*t about something that happened so long ago...

slidegirlcass · Feb 16th, 2008, 03:58 AM

My thought is that shes just holding a grudge to hold one - she was not the easiest to live with and ended up getting evicted because no one could stand her. I would have thought explaining a week later that I had kept the 2 year old canvas bag and instead added a 2 month old NWT wool and fleece jacket would have given her no reason to be mad - I mean the substituted jacket was worth way more than the bag, she got the deduction, and considering she had no interest in any of the active charity work we did as a household like soup kitchens, H4H, etc that she wouldn't have had an issue with it. Its not like I took her Chanel bag away from Goodwill and threw in some spare chapstick or something!

I am definitely not donating to PH 5 years later to make up for $25 bag, especially after giving a $90 jacket in its place - in her name!

slidegirlcass · Feb 16th, 2008, 03:58 AM

^^^But I do thank everyone for their thoughts!

Feb 16th, 2008, 12:55 AM	#1
slidegirlcass Sofa King Banned Location: Sacred Fart	Moral Dilemma, Or Over Reacting Roommate? This happened like 4 years ago, but according to a mutual friend this girl is STILL annoyed by this. Ok. Some of you may be familiar with the charity Purple Heart, they collect clothing and stuff and its like a Goodwill type of thing, except they don't sell stuff in stores, just distribute mainly. When I lived in a student rental house we had a pickup on our street each month and one month I decided to get everyone to pool clothes and stuff. After it was all together I started to sort the stuff out - saves them time and helps me get the total for my tax deductions. As I'm sorting my roommate Ashley's bags I see she has a cute little olive canvas BONGO bag that I wanted but couldn't find after it sold out. I put it aside to keep and added a winter coat to her bag to even it out- like I said they don't sell anything, just distribute and I figured that the coat was more important than a tiny cigar bag, Since she and I didn't hang out she never really saw me with it until one day she busted into my room to give me some mail or something. She never said anything to me but went to my friend/roomie Amy after the fact and totally bitched about how that was "meant for the homeless and she is like totally not homeless" - her words, not mine. I figured that unlike Goodwill where I could've gone and bought the bag after the fact I was free to take something marked as a donation as long as I replaced it with something else. Was I wrong? I'm asking about this now because we are preparing to have a roommate reunion when our landlord/my friend/BF's college roommate comes back from working in Bahrain next month and Ill have to see her. She has apparently told everyone I am a thief and that she hates me. I say shes holding a grudge. Thoughts?

Feb 16th, 2008, 01:08 AM	#2
jello_1955 Member Location: California	Re: Moral Dilemma, Or Over Reacting Roommate? Four years is a long time to hold a grudge but she does have a point. It would have been better to ask her if you could have had the bag-- she probably would have given it to you. With that said, there's not much you could do now except offer an apology. If she doesn't accept it, move on.

Feb 16th, 2008, 01:11 AM	#3
merde111 Member Location: Forth Worth, TX	Re: Moral Dilemma, Or Over Reacting Roommate? If she didn't have the nerve to talk to you about it like an ADULT at the time, then I wouldn't worry about it too much! Had she been home, you would have asked her; it's not like you stole it. Since it was just an inexpensive bag, she's making way too big of a deal. If she mentions it, I'd just say, "Are you kidding me? You really should have asked me about it at the time; nobody stole anything from you. I don't know why you'd think such a negative thing!" Take the high road and act like you expect her to be more mature--and if she's not, just laugh at her and tell her she needs to stop overreacting!

Feb 16th, 2008, 01:14 AM	#4
titania029 Member Location: Dallas	Re: Moral Dilemma, Or Over Reacting Roommate? Did she know that you put the winter coat in her pile to replace the bag? If you want to clear the air, go ahead and tell her about the coat, and that you should have asked her before you took the bag. I don't know if I would offer an apology though, it does seem trivial, and for four years... __________________

Feb 16th, 2008, 01:19 AM	#5
slidegirlcass Sofa King Banned Location: Sacred Fart	Re: Moral Dilemma, Or Over Reacting Roommate? ^^^ I know, right? I didn't see her for like 3 weeks after she gave me the bags - she was a heinous biatch to begin with and was always driving to Philly to spy on her BF to find out if he was dating other girls so I never had a chance to tell her anything. I'm kind of feeling sorry for her that she has nothing in her life exciting enough to outshine our former disagreement for this reunion! I just put that bag in my Goodwill bags - they havent gone out yet, maybe I should give it back!

Feb 16th, 2008, 02:04 AM	#6
Laurie8504 chocolate...where? Location: Italy	Re: Moral Dilemma, Or Over Reacting Roommate? I really think you should have waited until the bag was in a store to purchase it, or at least asked her if you could trade it out for your coat. I know it seems like an even trade, but I would be a little upset if I found out something I was giving to charity had gone home with someone else (although a 4-year grudge is a bit much!). I think that explaining what happened to her with a nice apology would go a long way towards getting that chip off her shoulder. Oh, and for future references, the "relationships and family" forum would be a more appropriate place for this type of post

Feb 16th, 2008, 02:07 AM	#7
slidegirlcass Sofa King Banned Location: Sacred Fart	Re: Moral Dilemma, Or Over Reacting Roommate? ^^See thats the thing, is with Purple Heart they collect and do straight donations to the DC Metro Homeless, no store - I figured a coat would do more good to the homeless than the purse so I switched them out.

Feb 16th, 2008, 02:12 AM	#8
Laurie8504 chocolate...where? Location: Italy	Re: Moral Dilemma, Or Over Reacting Roommate? ^^I agree, and I completely see where you're coming from. It just seems like it was a little disrespectful to her by undercutting her decision to donate the purse.

Feb 16th, 2008, 02:16 AM	#9
slidegirlcass Sofa King Banned Location: Sacred Fart	Re: Moral Dilemma, Or Over Reacting Roommate? I agree, and I know that our friend told her that I made a more than even trade and that she was getting the deduction for the coat - $50 instead of $9 - and she seemed fine with it. I even offered to still send it in. She said to my face she was fine with it and then talked a bunch of mess behind my back! I mean honestly though, we were 19 and 20 at the time and now we are 24 and 25! You would think the fricking BONGO bag drama of 2003 would be over!

Feb 16th, 2008, 02:27 AM	#10
xIcyBluex I want it.	Re: Moral Dilemma, Or Over Reacting Roommate? I don't understand why you couldn't have asked her unless you knew once you saw the bag that she would object. Honestly, I would be pretty pissed if a friend did that to me too. I am the type of person, when somebody pulls a bitch move on me like that, I don't think I would ever trust them or talk to them again. From her point of view, you stole the stuff that she was trying to donate to the homeless... and essentially thats is the truth. You should learn to show more respect for peoples decisions. __________________ Current Lovlies: Rebecca Minkoff Tangerine MAM\|\|Louis Vuitton Mono Pochette\|\|Louis Vuitton Damier Canvas Cles\|\|Marc Jacobs Cherry Tart Zip Clutch Waiting On: RM Black Patent MAC RM Blue Patent MAM Hobo

Feb 16th, 2008, 02:45 AM	#11
slidegirlcass Sofa King Banned Location: Sacred Fart	Re: Moral Dilemma, Or Over Reacting Roommate? She was not around, and considering I that not one single homeless person would need a tiny handbag over a winter coat (in JANUARY) I don't see the harm - and I wouldn't call what I did a "bitch move", nor do I appreciate you calling me a bitch. I swapped her item for a more useful one, gave her the deduction for it, and had it explained to her once she was back in town. I also offered to still give the bag (which cost about $25) to Goodwill after the fact if it was that big of a deal.

Feb 16th, 2008, 02:59 AM	#12
BigPurseSue Member Location: Amid the prairies of the Midwest with the tiger swallow-tail butterflies.	Re: Moral Dilemma, Or Over Reacting Roommate? A couple thoughts here. First of all you should have asked her if it was o.k. that you keep the bag. You might have said that it was a bag you really wanted and offered to make a monetary donation to the Purple Heart in her name. Maybe something along the lines of what you would have paid for the bag used. I suggest that because, although I'm not familiar with how Purple Heart works in your city, in our city the clothes and goods collected don't go directly to the homeless. My understanding is that PH sells them into the donated clothes "food chain" (to wholesalers who may sell select items to thrift stores or other charities who may send clothes overseas, etc). But this may differ in various parts of the country. Having lived with roommates years ago I know that we all suffered our share of petty animosities and jealousies and inflicted upon each other all manner of uncouth and vile behavior. Just because we were too young to know any better. Or to give our actions the proper forethought. We were just too young. We didn't know better. I would hope that if we ever got together these days we would all forgive each other for our rude and thoughtless acts. It's a long road to anything resembling adulthood and we were all just beginning our journeys. That said if your old roomie is still annoyed by the purse incident I might suggest making a healthy donation to Purple Heart in her name. Include the thanks-for-the-donation letter from PH in a card to her. Include your own note of apology, saying that the incident still bothers you and it was a horrible lapse of judgement on your part, how could you do such a thing, etc. That should put an end to the situation both in her mind and yours as well as provide some good for the Purple Heart. __________________ "My wife would not think of leaving the house for even a half hour without sufficient possessions in her purse alone to establish a comfortable wilderness homestead." -- Dave Barry

Feb 16th, 2008, 03:55 AM	#13
claireZk Member	Re: Moral Dilemma, Or Over Reacting Roommate? I'm not going to get into who's right or wrong here, but maybe she was upset by it because she wanted the purse to go to a good cause and she felt it was wrong that you kept it for yourself? Either way I think it's a silly thing for her to hold a grudge over. I also think it's really immature for her to be talking sh*t about something that happened so long ago...

Feb 16th, 2008, 03:58 AM	#14
slidegirlcass Sofa King Banned Location: Sacred Fart	Re: Moral Dilemma, Or Over Reacting Roommate? My thought is that shes just holding a grudge to hold one - she was not the easiest to live with and ended up getting evicted because no one could stand her. I would have thought explaining a week later that I had kept the 2 year old canvas bag and instead added a 2 month old NWT wool and fleece jacket would have given her no reason to be mad - I mean the substituted jacket was worth way more than the bag, she got the deduction, and considering she had no interest in any of the active charity work we did as a household like soup kitchens, H4H, etc that she wouldn't have had an issue with it. Its not like I took her Chanel bag away from Goodwill and threw in some spare chapstick or something! I am definitely not donating to PH 5 years later to make up for $25 bag, especially after giving a $90 jacket in its place - in her name!