Mom wants to use my name to buy a condo!!!

[bisousx]

Originally Posted by materialgurl

Ellie Mae, it is quite common in my culture to be obligated to take care of their elders. As for living under the same roof.. I would say it's half & half. My grandfather (her father) lived alone when my grandma passed away. Upbringing.. I have only spoken very little to her about it. When she tells me she wants to raise my kids, I just tell her no because she'd hit them!!! She wasn't raised subjectively (if that makes any sense); she's definitely more objective (ie. if I didn't do those things, you wouldn't be the person you are today, kwim?). As for the divorce... my dad actually cheated on my mom.. and that is why she left him. I feel bad for what she has gone through, I do not wish that upon anyone, but as bad as it is to say.. I wouldn't be happy with her too if I were my dad. Working as a nurse in psychiatry, I definitely see a lot of personality disorder traits in her... she's very 2-faced, thinks everyone is out to get her (even family!!!), manipulative..etc. I know what my dad did was not right, but it has been 15 years, and everytime we have a conversation.. it always goes back to my dad "did your dad tell you this??", or whatever. Well HELLO! I am an adult now.. I think I can form my own opinions. Growing up, she has always trash-talked my dad.. our relationship was tarnished because of her. However, I have been spending more time with my dad and his wife (he married the women he cheated with) and come to realize that a lot of things my mom told me during my childhood were false.. and I completely and utterly resent her for that. Whatever happened between them during their marriage/divorce was their issue, she shouldn't have dragged me into all this and deprived me of a male role model growing up. Sorry for this long reply, but I just had to let it out!

Your mom sounds just like my mom. This aside, I would listen to everyone else and not do this for her.

[materialgurl]

thanks everyone for their replies!

i spoke with my dad earlier today, he also think it's a bad idea. one thing that he brought up is the fact that the government is going to treat this as an investment property.. meaning I will be taxed more because it would be considered "income".

Louis Lady.. I don't mind paying her back for my education.. it's only a few thousand dollars as she did split the cost with my dad, but I don't think she'd want my money. Before buying my loft... she would always ask me if she can pay off my credit card bills... or if she needs to give me money to help me with my downpayment. I always refuse because I don't want to feel like I owe her anything. I think in her mind she somehow thinks that I owe her for raising me, actually I know this because she's said something along the lines of "I raised you, therefore you should take care of me when I'm old".. which is a mentality I do not agree with. It was her choice to have a child.. I didn't choose to be born. Whether the child can/wants to take care of their parents is their choice. My mom is just entitled I guess! My dad is different.. he says he's got everything in place.. I don't need to support him in any way.. bless him.

Ugh now.. I gotta tell my mom. I know she will be hurt and I know she will not understand. This will only weaken our broken relationship I know, but it has to be done.

Thanks for listening to me!

[Avril]

Good luck telling her! Be strong!

[Ellie Mae]

You have 2 choices....... you can tell her that you guys cannot qualify for another mortgage right now because you already have one AND you cannot afford the tax ramifications of having an investment property. Tell her YOU DO NOT QUALIFY.
But, tell her that with the large down payment she has, SHE MIGHT qualify and she should talk to a couple of lenders and see.
OR.. you can lay the truth out and tell that as much as you cre about her, it is simply not possible that she be dependant upon you for her investments, for her retirement, for her daily financial needs. Your choice as to what battle you want to take on right now. But, from what you've said, I do think at some point in your llife, you are going to have to have this type convo.

[ZippyWho]

Have u talked to her yet?

I know it is hard when it comes to helping family members. Actually, I like Ellie Mae's idea of her trying to buy it under her name since she is putting a large down pmt. And since you don't mind "paying" her back the college tuition and she won't take it, just say you are "loaning" it to her. Tell her to pay when she can and not to worry about that pmt. So maybe with her 40% down and your "paid back tuition", it is large enough so she can buy it under her name.

[DlkinVegas]

DO NOT do it- you have a very good chance of regretting the decision later. That goes for any kind of loan do not involve yourself in helping someone get a car, house etc. using your name or money.

[Allisonfaye]

DON'T DO IT. And be very clear with her that it isn't going to happen.

[pinkinthecity]

Originally Posted by materialgurl

I always refuse because I don't want to feel like I owe her anything. I think in her mind she somehow thinks that I owe her for raising me, actually I know this because she's said something along the lines of "I raised you, therefore you should take care of me when I'm old".. which is a mentality I do not agree with. It was her choice to have a child.. I didn't choose to be born. Whether the child can/wants to take care of their parents is their choice. My mom is just entitled I guess! My dad is different.. he says he's got everything in place.. I don't need to support him in any way.. bless him.

But you are glad that your mother birthed you and raised you regardless of whether or not it was your choice, correct? If you did have a choice, I am guessing that you would have chosen to be born. I heard that line of reasoning from one of my old roommates before because she has similar problems with her parents, and I always thought to myself when she yelled it over the phone to her mother that if I was a mother, it would hurt me that my giving life to my child means nothing to them as it was "my choice" and they did not make the conscious choice of wanting to be born into the world ... that my child would have been okay with it either way. I know you did not mean it like that, but the wording did not sit well with me :).

I understand where you are coming from -- it sucks that your mother expects you to take care of her in her old age. Personally, if my parents need help, I would help them in anyway necessary that is within my means. If my mom requests that she is going to buy a condo in my name, I could not allow it. Your mom will be upset when you deny her, but it is definitely for the best in the long run. Good luck!

ETA: I just realized that this thread is a few days old. I hope everything is resolved, OP!

[materialgurl]

^ pinkinthecity, if i had a choice i would have chosen not to be born by my mother. now before anyone gets outraged, let me just explain that i do care about my mom, and i know she loves me a lot. however, the things i had to go through during my childhood and teenage years is just something i cannot forget. it's really easy for you to say that "you are glad that your mother birthed you and raised you...etc" in fact i am not. i really resent her. she used to leave me at home when i was 3.. i would wake up crying... she even told me i was hysterical! then why the hell would you leave a 3 yr old toddler? she used to hit me... and hit me hard and im not talking about a slap on the hand. i can go on but i am about to go to work and i do not want to relive those memories right now... or ever for that matter. so yes, i understand what u are saying... but i just don't agree with it. based on my mom's mentality.. she's saying the only reason to have kids is so she can be taken care of when she is aging; now THAT makes ME feel my life has no purpose. the child should be making that decision, should not be guilt-tripped to do so. of course i would take care of her if she were sick, she is still my mom.

as for the condo issue... had a meeting with my dad and his wife... we've discussed everything.. and i will tell her probably in the next 2 days. will let everyone know how it went. i know my mom and i can already predict what's going to happen.

[pinkinthecity]

Originally Posted by materialgurl

^ pinkinthecity, if i had a choice i would have chosen not to be born by my mother. now before anyone gets outraged, let me just explain that i do care about my mom, and i know she loves me a lot. however, the things i had to go through during my childhood and teenage years is just something i cannot forget. it's really easy for you to say that "you are glad that your mother birthed you and raised you...etc" in fact i am not. i really resent her. she used to leave me at home when i was 3.. i would wake up crying... she even told me i was hysterical! then why the hell would you leave a 3 yr old toddler? she used to hit me... and hit me hard and im not talking about a slap on the hand. i can go on but i am about to go to work and i do not want to relive those memories right now... or ever for that matter. so yes, i understand what u are saying... but i just don't agree with it. based on my mom's mentality.. she's saying the only reason to have kids is so she can be taken care of when she is aging; now THAT makes ME feel my life has no purpose. the child should be making that decision, should not be guilt-tripped to do so. of course i would take care of her if she were sick, she is still my mom. as for the condo issue... had a meeting with my dad and his wife... we've discussed everything.. and i will tell her probably in the next 2 days. will let everyone know how it went. i know my mom and i can already predict what's going to happen.

materialgurl, I sincerely apologize for drawing to conclusions without knowing your life story. I did not mean for my statement to come off hurtful to you in anyway. The statement just rubbed me the wrong way because of my own experiences with previously mentioned utterly ungrateful roommate of mine.

[materialgurl]

^ no problem! i guess everyone's got their story. im not offended =)

[BlackBlackCat]

My mum did the same thing! I was totally unaware of the implications, and the agent said that there won't be any problems... In the end I couldn't take another housing loan!

My parents ended up giving me the condo in the end.

[SOLIDGOLD2]

Just say NO. I see things going down hill

[xlana]

Just because someone is your mother, does not mean you can let them take advantage of you.

GL OP in telling your mother, I wish you the best and hopefully things will turn out okay!

[materialgurl]

UPDATE!

my mom called and she is being VERY unfair and VERY not understanding. I do have to admit I got hot tempered as well so things went south very quickly.

basically i told her, i will not do it as this will add to my income tax.. i will get taxed like CRAZY because the gov would consider this an investment property. her solution to this? "I will rent out and tell the tenant to pay cash and you will have this apartment as your primary address, and your boyfriend will live in the one you guys own as HIS primary address" well... ok that's freaking great! so she wants me to change my address for the next 10 years... wants me to drive half hour to get my mail?? also isn't that SCAMMING the gov... guess who's ass is in shit if they ever find out. "oh they will never find out"

I asked her what happens if she cant find a tenant.. she said she will pay. I asked her why doesn't she get her own mortgage, she says the bank will never lend her this money because she doesn't have a job.

i told her never to contact me again if all she wants to talk about is this bullshit.

oh and get this, she actually managed to go to a bank and ASK them if i can get a 2nd mortgage. i am guessing she just told them i have some cheap mortgage and i make a ton of money.

FML i am seriously so furious right now