Mom wants to use my name to buy a condo!!!

[Ellie Mae]

I have to advise NO also... She's not using your name, she's asking you to buy her a condo, of which you will have full responsibility, but she wants to have control. This should not be YOUR risk, nor your burden.

There are possibly still some smaller local lenders who might finance your mom on her own, because she DOES have such a LARGE down payment. She may have to find something a bit cheaper to get nearer the 50% down mark, BUT... tell her to find a SMALL reputable local lender and GO APPLY. She is putting more than 20% down, which removes the need for PMI, so that will ease up the qualifying guidelines a bit. However... She is purchasing an investment property, which will make the loan harder to obtain... AND she is going to have a much higher interest rate than if she were buying something to live in herself.

BUT...IMO... she has a large down payment and before trying to obligate YOU to something like this, she needs to go and apply on her own and see what she CAN qualify for..... if anything.

I understand your obligation to your parents for your education and what not, but this is not an obligation a child should have to a parent, IMO.

[materialgurl]

Originally Posted by Ellie Mae

I have to advise NO also... She's not using your name, she's asking you to buy her a condo, of which you will have full responsibility, but she wants to have control. This should not be YOUR risk, nor your burden. There are possibly still some smaller local lenders who might finance your mom on her own, because she DOES have such a LARGE down payment. She may have to find something a bit cheaper to get nearer the 50% down mark, BUT... tell her to find a SMALL reputable local lender and GO APPLY. She is putting more than 20% down, which removes the need for PMI, so that will ease up the qualifying guidelines a bit. However... She is purchasing an investment property, which will make the loan harder to obtain... AND she is going to have a much higher interest rate than if she were buying something to live in herself. BUT...IMO... she has a large down payment and before trying to obligate YOU to something like this, she needs to go and apply on her own and see what she CAN qualify for..... if anything. I understand your obligation to your parents for your education and what not, but this is not an obligation a child should have to a parent, IMO.

Thank you, and I completely agree with your last statement. She is always making me feel guilty and wanting me to support her.

[chinahopes]

If your mom cannot afford her own investments, then she does not deserve to invest. Do not do it, no matter what. You will more than likely regret it.

[shy*violet]

Originally Posted by materialgurl

I know.. but where I live real estate is actually blooming.. my bfs family bought 3 places within the last 3 months... 2 of my colleagues bought places.. my friends are buying. Also I think the condo she wants is under 130K if that makes any difference.. and putting 40K down would mean a 30%-ish downpayment. Did I mention she thinks it could be paid off within 5 years?

THe amount doesn't make a difference.

It doesn't sound like your mother & you are even close, but even if you WERE, it's a bad idea to do that anyway

[HauteMama]

OP, you still sound like you are trying to talk us into thinking it would be okay (30% downpayment, paid off within 5 years, etc.), but in the vast majority of these cases things are NOT okay. If they were, she wouldn't need YOUR credit to buy it. Do not buy property over which you have no control but for which you are responsible. It would be a horrible idea even if you had money coming out your ears. Don't risk your future on this. And discuss it with your SO, because this would affect HIS future as well. If your mom defaults, that would leave you less able to handle your own financial obligations, which isn't fair to your SO.

[Ellie Mae]

Originally Posted by materialgurl

Thank you, and I completely agree with your last statement. She is always making me feel guilty and wanting me to support her.

And if and when the time comes that you CAN and WANT to assist her financially, this is fine. But, at your age, you are barely getting started in your own financial world. And perhaps you are making more $$ than she is due to your education, but that does not make her financial welfare your responsibility. If she were homeless, then perhaps you might need to help her get on her feet... but she's not homeless, she's asking you to buy her an investment property, and to me, that is an entirely different request for assistance.

You speak of your mom not having much in the way of income, so I gather maybe she's not adequately educated for today's job market...?? Perhaps you could assist her in getting enrolled in a business school or trade school whereby she could advance her own economic earning potential...?? If her language is a huge barrier where she lives, offer to enroll her in an ESL class whereby she could learn English, if that would help.

If you want to do something beneficial for your mom, try to help her better her own earning potential... KWIM?

[materialgurl]

Originally Posted by Ellie Mae

And if and when the time comes that you CAN and WANT to assist her financially, this is fine. But, at your age, you are barely getting started in your own financial world. And perhaps you are making more $$ than she is due to your education, but that does not make her financial welfare your responsibility. If she were homeless, then perhaps you might need to help her get on her feet... but she's not homeless, she's asking you to buy her an investment property, and to me, that is an entirely different request for assistance. You speak of your mom not having much in the way of income, so I gather maybe she's not adequately educated for today's job market...?? Perhaps you could assist her in getting enrolled in a business school or trade school whereby she could advance her own economic earning potential...?? If her language is a huge barrier where she lives, offer to enroll her in an ESL class whereby she could learn English, if that would help. If you want to do something beneficial for your mom, try to help her better her own earning potential... KWIM?

she has been unemployed for many years, mainly I believe is due to excuses. My dad used to pay her child support (even when I didn't live with her for 2 years). She was very well educated where she was from, she used to be a pharmacist. She's been here for 15 years, tried taking Eng courses but just could not grasp English. Mind you, she lives in a city where 50% are asians.. so she doesn't really need to use or learn Eng. She is very dependent, and I know I shouldn't say this, but it annoys the hell out of me!!! She wants to live with me.. she wants me to take care of her.. she wants to raise my kids (there is no way she is touching my kids after remembering how I was brought up). I think these are the emotions that I have bottled up for the last many years and I'm glad I finally am talking openly about this, you ladies have been so helpful!

[Ellie Mae]

Originally Posted by materialgurl

she has been unemployed for many years, mainly I believe is due to excuses. My dad used to pay her child support (even when I didn't live with her for 2 years). She was very well educated where she was from, she used to be a pharmacist. She's been here for 15 years, tried taking Eng courses but just could not grasp English. Mind you, she lives in a city where 50% are asians.. so she doesn't really need to use or learn Eng. She is very dependent, and I know I shouldn't say this, but it annoys the hell out of me!!! She wants to live with me.. she wants me to take care of her.. she wants to raise my kids (there is no way she is touching my kids after remembering how I was brought up). I think these are the emotions that I have bottled up for the last many years and I'm glad I finally am talking openly about this, you ladies have been so helpful!

If she lives in a community that is 50% asian, then her language should not stop her from employment. She might could even get a PT job as a pharmacist again in her community. So, if she CHOOSES to remain where she is financially, I DANG SURE would not be buying her a condo! And certainly would not be letting her live w/ me.
Question, tho... in her family, was it common for extended families to all live together..?? Kids, mom & dad, & grandparents all under the same roof?

And as far as your upbringing... have you ever talked to her about this and told her how you feel??

And if I may ask... why are your parents divorced?

[Avril]

No, DO NOT put your name down on the condo. DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT!!!!!! It will probably be the worst decision you will ever make. Your mom is unemployed, has no secure income and you would be the guarantor of the loan, do not do it. If she can't afford to pay it, the bank will come after you, your credit rating could be ruined. Anyway, you say you already have a mortgage and are planning on getting married and buying a second home.

You are only 24 / 25 (is that right?), getting one mortgage is tough enough, never mind two for your second home, and you are thinking of getting a third? If you do put the condo in your name, the mortgage will be in your name, when you and your H2B decide to marry and buy the second place, you will more than likely get declined for a third mortgage and that will totally screw up you and your H2B plans. Don't do it.

If she wants to buy a place, then she has to do like everybody else has to - go out and get a job, otherwise just rent a place. Please do not do it, and don't try to justify it by saying that she has 30% of a down payment, etc. You are not a personal bank.

[Clumpy Dumpy]

Originally Posted by Ellie Mae

Question, tho... in her family, was it common for extended families to all live together..?? Kids, mom & dad, & grandparents all under the same roof?

It's very common for Asian/Chinese families to live like that.

I think it would be a different story if you had a good relationship with your mother but I wouldn't do it if you don't trust her/dislike her.

[materialgurl]

Originally Posted by Ellie Mae

If she lives in a community that is 50% asian, then her language should not stop her from employment. She might could even get a PT job as a pharmacist again in her community. So, if she CHOOSES to remain where she is financially, I DANG SURE would not be buying her a condo! And certainly would not be letting her live w/ me. Question, tho... in her family, was it common for extended families to all live together..?? Kids, mom & dad, & grandparents all under the same roof? And as far as your upbringing... have you ever talked to her about this and told her how you feel?? And if I may ask... why are your parents divorced?

Ellie Mae, it is quite common in my culture to be obligated to take care of their elders. As for living under the same roof.. I would say it's half & half. My grandfather (her father) lived alone when my grandma passed away.

Upbringing.. I have only spoken very little to her about it. When she tells me she wants to raise my kids, I just tell her no because she'd hit them!!! She wasn't raised subjectively (if that makes any sense); she's definitely more objective (ie. if I didn't do those things, you wouldn't be the person you are today, kwim?).

As for the divorce... my dad actually cheated on my mom.. and that is why she left him. I feel bad for what she has gone through, I do not wish that upon anyone, but as bad as it is to say.. I wouldn't be happy with her too if I were my dad. Working as a nurse in psychiatry, I definitely see a lot of personality disorder traits in her... she's very 2-faced, thinks everyone is out to get her (even family!!!), manipulative..etc. I know what my dad did was not right, but it has been 15 years, and everytime we have a conversation.. it always goes back to my dad "did your dad tell you this??", or whatever. Well HELLO! I am an adult now.. I think I can form my own opinions. Growing up, she has always trash-talked my dad.. our relationship was tarnished because of her. However, I have been spending more time with my dad and his wife (he married the women he cheated with) and come to realize that a lot of things my mom told me during my childhood were false.. and I completely and utterly resent her for that. Whatever happened between them during their marriage/divorce was their issue, she shouldn't have dragged me into all this and deprived me of a male role model growing up. Sorry for this long reply, but I just had to let it out!

[Roo]

^^ Good for you! Have you ever read about parental alienation syndrome? You should!

http://www.paskids.com/pas/symptoms.php

Also, I do not condone cheating but there are two people in a marriage and soemtimes people stray because they do not get their needs met. Cheating is a symptom of bigger things - so your dad may have left for the sake of his own sanity.

[Ellie Mae]

ITA, and Roo is right about the Parental Alienation. This happens alot, as parents often unwittingly "use" a child to "hurt/anger" the other parent. This is a horrid practice and children can suffer greatly from it.

Your replies are FINE... Miss Psychiatric Nurse - holding in all in! A wonder you did not EXPLODE! Talking about it is the best way to help YOU sort thru it. So chat away.... we will listen!

Your mom likely has some abandonment issues. And it seems, per her past behavior, is again transferring her issues and dependancy on to you. It is good that you are old enough to prevent that and wise enough to recognize it.

[gina2328]

Just say no as nicely as you can.

[LouisLady]

This is a toughie for me if I was in your shoes.

Just my opinion..not saying its easy to decide this such of thing!

If my mom paid for my college education...I would somewhat feel obligated to "pay her back".

I think your mom has a good plan of wanting to buy it to rent it out but then theres a chance her plans wont work out as planned..

er...this is hard.