[meluv2shop12]

dh and i are in our mid-20s.. dh makes less than half my paycheck and has a lot more debt than me.. actually, my only debt is a mortgage (i bought a house before getting married and i hate cc so i always try to keep 0 balance on my cc) while he has cc debt that is about double his annual salary (which he somehow accumulated without me knowing about it - so i am not exactly sure whether it was really that much before or after we got hitched)...

our situation is getting better since he allowed me to take charge.. he now gives me most of his paycheck (about 90% - the other 10% if for his expenses like gas, lunch, etc) for which i use to specifically pay off his cc debt... i pay for everything else including additional payments on his cc to help get it over with.

i've accepted our situation.. we are now married so i fully accept that his debt is now also my debt.. i give him credit for doing everything he can to make things right - and slowly but surely, we're getting there! but the problem is, i grow resentful sometimes that i don't get to enjoy the fruits of my labor as much as i'd like to (my job is EXTREMELY STRESSFUL! almost every other week, i contemplate quitting! everytime i get to my breaking point, he "encourages" me to stay coz we can't afford not having my paycheck - nevermind that i'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown!)... so some days i indulge myself... when i feel down or when i find a good deal on a designer purse, i buy it... it's just therapeutic..

... but then dh finds out about them and gives ME a lecture about how i should not be spending money on unneccesary things like designer purses because we are trying to get out of debt

this is what gets me over the edge... it's like - excuse me? it's YOUR DEBT that YOU accumulated behind my back to begin with.. still, here i am helping you out.. now you're stopping me from indulging myself... for what? so i can put more of my hard earned money towards YOUR debt?? AAaarrgghhh.. it just frustrates me sometimes... but mostly, it just makes me sad

[sonya]

You need to tell him how you feel (but in a way that doesn't put blame on him, as that would just make him defensive).

Maybe he wants to have a little more discretionary income. It's hard getting out of debt, I'm sure he is grateful to you to help him with that, but it is also hard not to have any spending money too.

[Jill]

money issues can destroy just about any marriage..U need to communicate to him what your concerns are..itll help!
just keep an eye on those CC..make sure he isnt charging stuff u dont know about and increasing the debt..kwim?
keep voicing your concerns ..once u get rid of his debt..things will get better...

[maggie7]

meluv, I hope you'll get ahead..I understand your resentment, but it sounds like your husband tries everything to get out of debt now..try to put it behind you..

Your thread made me thinking there are probably quite a few husbands out there who would have been a great deal better off, if they didn't have wives with expensive tastes...mine included..

[fr2nc1z]

It sounds like you both will benefit by having a discussion about this. Although yes, the debt is his fault -- you are now a team. Given that in mind, since you are getting most of the money, you should be allowed to have some shopping.

Perhaps, you can discuss a) job arrangements (i.e. can he switch jobs? what is the pension like? what are the health benefits like? what is the salary like? what are the pluses and minuses of his and your job?); b) arrangement for money saving and debt paying; c) understanding that a portion is "his" money, "your" money, and "our" money.


I'm sure you two will be able to have an insightful conversation about what to do and how (as well as when).

[LaurelLee123]

I was also in a similar situation. I never had debt (both because my parents taught me to be very frugal and manage money well, and they did pay for my college tuition), and now I have a job that pays much more than my DH's job. But I can't really hold that against him because we both work hard and like our careers, I just happened to have chosen a more lucrative career and his career is noble (he is a teacher) but quite low paying.

But he lived on his own since he was 18. He had no idea how to manage his money so he was always broke and swimming in credit card debt. When we decided to make a committment to each other, I basically said that he needed to get his finances in order, and he agreed. I pretty much took over all financial management - paid the bills, made the budget, did the taxes.... The thing is, while it is true that I sort of married into his debt, we agreed that there are consequences for the past. I did everything in my power to help him with budgeting and money management but when it came to who had to 'pay the price' for his debt, he had to. He sold a lot of his possessions and cut his spending down to necessities. I did not have to make the same sacrifices.

This worked for us. Even though is seemed unequal, it wasn't. Because after we made a committment, we worked as a team to tackle any new and future issues. But the debt is HIS past and his to pay, so even though we both had 'play' money, I used mine to buy purses and beauty products and he used his to pay off his debt. And as of last year, he has been cc debt free for 7 years and his credit report has finally been totally cleaned up!

[IntlSet]

That's so tough!

Congrats on being responsible. I don't think he should begrudge you a handbag when you not only outearn him, but also have taken on his debt as your own. You're clearly a very gracious and generous woman.

I don't have any advice, just want to wish you lots of luck.

[Lyanna Stark]

Did he accumulate his debt by buying stuff or by buying services? If it is stuff, he should sell them off to pay for his debt. I also think you should (secretly) keep a record and receipts of all the household expenses and his debt that you are paying for. Men can be like that, they can be quite insensitive. Once his debt is paid off you guys should sit down and discuss about money and budget for a brighter future.

[nataliam1976]

Originally Posted by meluv2shop12

dh makes less than half my paycheck and has a lot more debt than me.. actually, my only debt is a mortgage while he has cc debt that is about double his annual salary

i pay for everything else including additional payments on his cc to help get it over with.

my job is EXTREMELY STRESSFUL! almost every other week, i contemplate quitting! everytime i get to my breaking point, he "encourages" me to stay coz we can't afford not having my paycheck - nevermind that i'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown!)... so some days i indulge myself... when i feel down or when i find a good deal on a designer purse, i buy it... it's just therapeutic..

... but then dh finds out about them and gives ME a lecture about how i should not be spending money on unneccesary things like designer purses because we are trying to get out of debt

OK something is seriously wrong with this picture and you have every right to be resentful. Next time tell your hubby to get off his high horse and stop nagging you if you buy yourself a purse once in a while.

The way I see it he wasnt 3 years old and racked up his debt unintentionally, it doesnt take one bad shopping choice to have a double yearly income debt! He acted irresponsibly and he should be grateful that you agreed to help him in every way and make such a commitment despite his irresponsible ways.

But no, instead of appreciation, he gives out when you get yourself something and urges you to stay in a work place that drains you emotionally and makes you cry every week so that the debt is paid off faster. Am I the only one that thinks this shouldnt be taking place at all? Next time he gives out about you getting a bag, ask him "so where did the ...ty thousand dollars we are paying off go again?" Strong case of pot calling the kettle black.

My advice is - first of all try and switch jobs for the one that wont make a wreck of you. If he has an issue with less money being paid towards the debt, he can go and get himself extra part time job. Strangely enough he didnt worry about it that much when he was spending all that dough

Seriously some people find it so hard to grow up and be responsible for their own actions...well tough luck, thats how it works. Im not saying you should stop helping him out, but not paying such a high extra price. A serious conversation with Prince Malcontent is in order.

[BTBF]

Just because you make more, that doesn't give you the right to do whatever you want with the money.

Marriage is a partnership, you married him for better or worse. As a couple, his problems are your problems. Since you guys have debts, in my opinion, it's better that you should take care of that first.

It's best to make decisions together.

***Husbands are often make more than their wives, would the wives get upset if he goes out spending tons of money on tickets to the superbowl...when the family has debts and has bills to pay???

[chinadoll724]

Originally Posted by BTBF

Just because you make more, that doesn't give you the right to do whatever you want with the money.

Marriage is a partnership, you married him for better or worse. As a couple, his problems are your problems. Since you guys have debts, in my opinion, it's better that you should take care of that first.

It's best to make decisions together.

***Husbands are often make more than their wives, would the wives get upset if he goes out spending tons of money on tickets to the superbowl...when the family has debts and has bills to pay???

If they were equally responsible for the debts then that's not ok! But in this case- the SO singlehandedly carried in the debts into the relationship. While she has to share the burden of the debts- there's no reason as part of the team- that she has to suffer more than he does . . . working a horrid job she hates just so she can bring in enough money to pay down the debts he racked up. There definately needs to be a talk and at the very least, he needs to be supportive of her quest to find a less stressful job, even if it means she brings in less money- he can learn to pick up some slack.

If this situation was reversed- I'd think the same thing. If the wife, say, racked up tons of CC debt by being irresponsible and living a lifestyle she couldnt' afford- the husband is in his right to rein in her spending and control finances to put themselves back on track. And he shouldn't have to work a job he hates to do it!

[couturequeen]

Originally Posted by BTBF

Marriage is a partnership, you married him for better or worse. As a couple, his problems are your problems. Since you guys have debts, in my opinion, it's better that you should take care of that first.

It's best to make decisions together.

While I agree with this, I think that since the debt was incurred behind your back he should take the larger responsibility for paying it down as well as cut you slack for spending money on yourself. For example, I don't think he would find it fair if he had to pay for 10 handbags that you purchased outside of your family budget.

I think more communication is necessary between both of you regarding spending and job satisfaction. You should pursue whatever career makes you happiest - that will make you a better, happier partner at home. Your husband should look into a part time job if he wants to pay the debt down quicker.

[BTBF]

I agree...the problem in this marriage is communication and different views on money. She thinks he is wasting money away, and he thinks she is wasting money away on a purse. Both think the other spends it irresponsibly.

But she needs to over the fact that she makes more than him...and she should never bring this up...whenever they argue or have conversation about $$$.

Originally Posted by meluv2shop12

he now gives me most of his paycheck (about 90% - the other 10% if for his expenses like gas, lunch, etc) for which i use to specifically pay off his cc debt... i pay for everything else including additional payments on his cc to help get it over with.

i've accepted our situation..

... but then dh finds out about them and gives ME a lecture about how i should not be spending money on unneccesary things like designer purses because we are trying to get out of debt

[stellamaried]

I don't have much in the way of advice. I admire your attitude -- and, honestly, how could a person not be resentful at times in a situation like yours? It's totally human. You have prioritized being financially responsible and he did not, and you are paying for the consequences of his irresponsible actions. Also, I don't know what he did to incur this debt, but it doesn't sound like it was student loans or other "good" debt, which I personally would feel more generous with respect to in your situation.

First of all, please do find a job that makes you less stressed out. As long as you can still pay your living expenses and be somewhat comfortable, I really do believe that you will be so much happier. I close friends who have done this, and it's like they're different people when they leave their miserable jobs!

Second, as prior posters have suggested, it's really his debt. Yes, it's "yours" in the sense that you both are going to have to make certain sacrifices to repay the debt, but its "his" in that he was the freewheeling guy who ran up more debt than he had any right to, and it's "his" in the sense that he is really the one who is primarily responsible for getting it repaid. I don't know what he does for a living, but maybe it's time for him to get a job that is more financially lucrative (even if it's not his dream job for now) or to get a second job. And if he bought a lot of crap with credit cards, he needs to sell it on eBay.

At the end of the day, as everyone has suggested, a serious and honest talk between the two of you is a really good idea. I think it would be fair to tell him that this is not your debt and, while you are willing to help him repay it so that you can both have the lives you want, he is the person who is responsible for incurring it, and he is going to have to be the one who makes more sacrifices to repay it. You have every right to treat yourself every once in a while and he has no business making you feel guilty about it. Did he hide the debt, or the extent of the debt, from you before you were married?

Good luck, OP. I really admire your attitude and please give yourself some credit for everything you're doing!!

[lovinalotofbags]

I think it is awesome of you the way you have come together as a couple and are handling this situation with him giving you 90% of his paycheck.

You need to talk to him and explain that you are more than happy to work as partners but you need to treat yourself once in awhile for all of the hard work you do in taking on much of the responsibility. It is not that you mind doing it but he needs to understand that you need to treat yourself and not feel like you are working just to pay bills and so you will not SNAP!!