Is this making some guy that in NOT my BF think I have a thing for him?

kristie · Jan 3rd, 2008, 05:33 PM

Hmmmmm. where to start..only on tPF right? So my BF and I are both in Law Enforcement at the same dept and we also live together. He has kids from his past marriage to his ex wife and obviously speaks to her often blah blah blah.

Being in a VERY male dominated workplace, I am very much a "guy's girl" who gets along with guys much more than girls (except tPF girls

) I also work very closely with numerous firefighters too that I am friends with, joke with, whatever, when I am on the clock and at work.

I was injured at work and have been off for a bit so a few of the firefighters I have always been cool with email me (on my dept. email that we all have) to see how I am doing, when I am coming back to work, etc. One of them who is not married, is my every other day or so email buddy and I spoke to him on the phone recently because I would rather talk than email or text. He has made some slightly flirtarious comments but nothing where I felt wierd or that he was totally out of line.

The issue is that I like him AS A FRIEND but I have found that being friends beyond the workplace, does not work. Not to sound arrogant or conceited but most guys I have hung out with outside of work eventually do the, "I really like you as more than a friend, I have never met a girl like you."

So, if my BF does not know I am friends with this guy, is that really bad? I am not attracted to him but I have a feeling he is to me. This guy knows all about my BF and I and I don't hide anything. Do you think I am making him think I am interested in cheating on my BF with him just by talking on the phone or going out to lunch with him? I already know my BF would not really like it, he can be jealous even though HE talks to his ex wife all the time, that is what pisses me off. He can talk to her about stuff other than the kids, but if I talk to guys that I was not friends with PRIOR to my BF and I dating, he thinks it is disrespectful. I get where he is coming from, but I also want to have this other guy as a friend still. My BF's excuse for talking to his ex is that he has no choice other than to speak with her because he has kids with her. While I know that is obviously true, it still sucks that he gets pissy if I have male friends that I want to have even while I am dating him.

Yes, I know I want to have my cake and eat it too........not really, but damn life would be easier!

Jahpson · Jan 3rd, 2008, 05:37 PM

I believe that fact that your boyfriend doesnt know would make you feel more guilty. if this is a guy that you dont feel like your boyfriend should learn about, then maybe you shouldn't be talking with him, as thats how affairs can start...by secrecy

bagnshoofetish · Jan 3rd, 2008, 07:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kristie

So, if my BF does not know I am friends with this guy, is that really bad? I am not attracted to him but I have a feeling he is to me. This guy knows all about my BF and I and I don't hide anything. Do you think I am making him think I am interested in cheating on my BF with him just by talking on the phone or going out to lunch with him? I already know my BF would not really like it, he can be jealous even though HE talks to his ex wife all the time, that is what pisses me off. He can talk to her about stuff other than the kids, but if I talk to guys that I was not friends with PRIOR to my BF and I dating, he thinks it is disrespectful. I get where he is coming from, but I also want to have this other guy as a friend still. My BF's excuse for talking to his ex is that he has no choice other than to speak with her because he has kids with her. While I know that is obviously true, it still sucks that he gets pissy if I have male friends that I want to have even while I am dating him.

Yes, I know I want to have my cake and eat it too........not really, but damn life would be easier!

I think you already know the answer to your question or you would not have asked it. If it feels wrong, it probably is wrong. you have to give and take in a relationship and choose your battles. is a friendship with this guy important enough to you to lose your relationship over? if the friendship means more, than you have other issues to deal with concerning your SO cause no guy would ever be worth losing my DH over. friends come and go but a committment should be forever (or at least as long as you can make it work). life is not fair. you cannot have your cake and eat it too.

Charles · Jan 3rd, 2008, 08:58 PM

The only thing disrespectful about you talking to another guy is not telling your bf about it. Now, I don't mean printing him off a transcript of all your convos, but he should know you have a male friend...don't hide it is what I'm trying to say. I have female friends that I've made after Kara and I started dating, and she's made male friends...big deal. We're both outgoing people that understand that it is possible to have friends of the opposite sex without having sex with them. Besides, if Kara was going to cheat on me, do you think me telling her not to talk to other men will change that? If you're dating someone who's a cheater, you're dating a liar. In other words, if you wanted to cheat on your bf, you would, and him saying "talking to other men is disrespectful" wouldn't mean a damn thing to you. So, what's the point? Instead, he should be secure and trusting and allow you to talk to whoever you want. Besides, if he really wants to make sure you don't cheat, him knowing all the guys you talk to, and being friends with them would be a greater deterrent than him being cut off to the idea completely and not having anything to do with it. A guy's less likely to make a move on a girl if he's friends with the girls bf.
As for your friend...who cares if he likes you? As long as he's not crossing any lines, let him feel however he wants. Don't be presumptuous. As long as you're keeping things platonic on your end, it's all good.

LissiSays · Jan 3rd, 2008, 09:12 PM

I agree with Charles. I've learned that a person can cheat no matter what. If there is nothing to hide regarding this friendship then there is no reason why you can't tell your BF. You can't control how a person feels about you. If he likes you then that is not your fault. Obviously, don't lead him on and reciprocate the flirting. That will only lead to bigger problems. If this guy is not crossing the line then there is no reason to end the friendship. I sometimes find it easier to be friends with a guy than a girl (depending on the situation). Although, if he ever crosses the line then you need to put your foot down and clearly state your opinion on the matter. If he doesn't learn to behave then he is not a good person to have around.

If the friendship is innocent on your end then go ahead and tell your BF.

bagnshoofetish · Jan 3rd, 2008, 09:15 PM

^^^I think it depends on the guy. If your gut is telling you he has feelings for you, you are probably right IMO from personal experience. I still say avoid all the potential drama and tell this guy if he does have feelings that he will have to deal with them as you cannot return the affection. And if you respect your bf, tell him about this guy. Jealousy will destroy a relationship and if you already know your bf is a jealous guy, why do things that you know are going to push his buttons in the first place? before continuing any friendship with the opposite sex, you better sit down with your SO and discuss the issue cause its not going to go away. If he just will not tolerate you being friends with other guys, then maybe you 2 are just not compatible in the first place.

kristie · Jan 3rd, 2008, 09:22 PM

ITA with everyone pretty much. My SO seems to think that all any guy could possibly want from me is to get in my pants. Even if that were the case, which it is not, it does not mean you will cheat! He does not seem to understand that simple concept. I really would love to sit him down and have this conversation with him and I already know he would say that it is disrespectful to talk to other guys when I am with him......not to mention, any of the guy friends that I have we have ONLY been platonic and never screwed around or anything, ever even prior to meeting my SO. *sigh* it seems so ridiculous that he obviously had an intimate relationship with his ex wife and HE talks to her so what is the BFD about me having platonic friends that are guys?? I am probably answering all of my own questions in my head already, but it makes me feel better to hear opinions from you all too.

Charles · Jan 4th, 2008, 01:05 AM

Honestly, I don't stand for jealousy at all. Trust is key and my word is my bond...period. If I say I'm committed, I'm committed, so the fact that you wouldn't want me talking to another girl, to me, means you don't trust me and you don't value my word. I don't have time for a girl like that. I'm not a child you have to instruct on how to act. I'm a grown man who is not just some walking penis, like a lot of girls think men are, so I most certainly can control my actions and any doubt of that, is insulting to me.

But that's just me!

If Kara told me I couldn't talk to another girl, I'd tell her to hit the road. I'm lucky enough to be with a girl who trusts me.

LissiSays · Jan 4th, 2008, 02:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Charles

Honestly, I don't stand for jealousy at all. Trust is key and my word is my bond...period. If I say I'm committed, I'm committed, so the fact that you wouldn't want me talking to another girl, to me, means you don't trust me and you don't value my word. I don't have time for a girl like that. I'm not a child you have to instruct on how to act. I'm a grown man who is not just some walking penis, like a lot of girls think men are, so I most certainly can control my actions and any doubt of that, is insulting to me.

But that's just me!

If Kara told me I couldn't talk to another girl, I'd tell her to hit the road. I'm lucky enough to be with a girl who trusts me.

Do you have a brother? A single brother? LOL!

I was cheated on in the past so I know how much it hurts. But that is not the next guys fault. I trust someone until they give me a reason not to trust them anymore. So it's awesome that you stick to your word! I'm anti-cheating. If I am not happy in a relationship then I end it before moving on.

Laurie8504 · Jan 4th, 2008, 03:46 AM

Uh oh...looks like you've been crowned the "desert queen" in this law enforcement jungle. I experienced a bit of this in my dealings with the air force: the ratio of females to males is so low, that any and every girl becomes an object of desire. Which is not meant to belittle your attractiveness, just to point out that with almost no competition you're going to garner a lot of attention. I have to feel that your man isn't too far off base when he says he knows what these guys want, expecially since he's in the same line of work.

Whatever the case, the fact that he talks to his ex is NOT an excuse for you to sneak around behind his back. He's open with you about his ex, and they're finished. What you're doing is starting a new friendship, and keeping it from him. No matter what happens (or doesn't happen), the longer you hide this friendship the worse it looks. I really feel that you just need to be honest with your BF, and include him in your dealings with this guy. Don't put yourself in situations that you wouldn't want to walk in on your bf in (ie, 'date situations' or one-on-one things).

LissiSays · Jan 4th, 2008, 11:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurie8504

Uh oh...looks like you've been crowned the "desert queen" in this law enforcement jungle. I experienced a bit of this in my dealings with the air force: the ratio of females to males is so low, that any and every girl becomes an object of desire. Which is not meant to belittle your attractiveness, just to point out that with almost no competition you're going to garner a lot of attention. I have to feel that your man isn't too far off base when he says he knows what these guys want, expecially since he's in the same line of work.

Whatever the case, the fact that he talks to his ex is NOT an excuse for you to sneak around behind his back. He's open with you about his ex, and they're finished. What you're doing is starting a new friendship, and keeping it from him. No matter what happens (or doesn't happen), the longer you hide this friendship the worse it looks. I really feel that you just need to be honest with your BF, and include him in your dealings with this guy. Don't put yourself in situations that you wouldn't want to walk in on your bf in (ie, 'date situations' or one-on-one things).

I agree. Your BF has a reason to speak to his ex... they have children. As parents, they should be able to maintain a civil relationship with each other for the sake of their children.

pinkybear · Jan 4th, 2008, 03:33 PM

i was in the same situation you're in right now.

i had a class with this guy in school (college) and we kept in touch after the semester ended. i told my bf about him and he seemed cool about it. anyway my 21st birthday came and my buddy got me a huge stuff toy and card as a present.
bf got very pissy and accused me of cheating. not to self-pity or anything but i am not that hot. people like me for my personality so i know that buddy was not sexually attracted to me whatsoever.

anyway i kept in touch with buddy without bf's knowledge. after a couple of months i felt guilty about it. if the friendship is truly platonic then why am i hiding it from bf? so i stopped picking up buddy's phonecalls, replying to his emails and text messages.

if you really want to be friends with this guy i suggest hanging out with him and ur bf. once your bf sees that hes a cool guy, that should convince him that you only see him as a platonic friend.

chipmunk-pnw · Jan 6th, 2008, 05:27 PM

I think you should tell your boyfriend about him. A relationship is never close-knit if you don't share your secrets. And face it, you do like this other guy, why then would you have lunch with him? If you're committed to your boyfriend you will not stray at all, period. Something tells me you're iffy about your bf keeping in touch with the woman who bore his children and you're just hanging onto someone else for that 'just in case he dumps me' or 'something I have to get back at him' scenario.

kristie · Jan 6th, 2008, 08:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chipmunk-pnw

I think you should tell your boyfriend about him. A relationship is never close-knit if you don't share your secrets. And face it, you do like this other guy, why then would you have lunch with him? If you're committed to your boyfriend you will not stray at all, period. Something tells me you're iffy about your bf keeping in touch with the woman who bore his children and you're just hanging onto someone else for that 'just in case he dumps me' or 'something I have to get back at him' scenario.

No actually, I don't like this other guy as I have already stated so I don't need to "face" anything. Additionally, I am not someone that "needs to have another guy lined up" or however you put it. I am almost 29, not 16 so I believe that adults, key word, adults...can have platonic friends of the opposite sex just as almost everyone else posted. I would never cheat or stray on my BF, there is a difference between talking to someone because they are a friend or acquantance and screwing someone for goodness sake.......sorry if this seems harsh, but this post was just rude to me.

LissiSays · Jan 7th, 2008, 12:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chipmunk-pnw

I think you should tell your boyfriend about him. A relationship is never close-knit if you don't share your secrets. And face it, you do like this other guy, why then would you have lunch with him? If you're committed to your boyfriend you will not stray at all, period. Something tells me you're iffy about your bf keeping in touch with the woman who bore his children and you're just hanging onto someone else for that 'just in case he dumps me' or 'something I have to get back at him' scenario.

My apologies but I disagree. I think having lunch with a male friend does not immediately mean you are straying away from your relationship. And I think it is much more difficult to keep a "back up" guy around. Feelings start to grow and the situation will become stressful. It is unnecessary.

I don't know why some people feel that males and females can't be friends without there being feelings involved...

Jan 3rd, 2008, 05:33 PM	#1
kristie "H" is for horses?	Is this making some guy that in NOT my BF think I have a thing for him? Hmmmmm. where to start..only on tPF right? So my BF and I are both in Law Enforcement at the same dept and we also live together. He has kids from his past marriage to his ex wife and obviously speaks to her often blah blah blah. Being in a VERY male dominated workplace, I am very much a "guy's girl" who gets along with guys much more than girls (except tPF girls ) I also work very closely with numerous firefighters too that I am friends with, joke with, whatever, when I am on the clock and at work. I was injured at work and have been off for a bit so a few of the firefighters I have always been cool with email me (on my dept. email that we all have) to see how I am doing, when I am coming back to work, etc. One of them who is not married, is my every other day or so email buddy and I spoke to him on the phone recently because I would rather talk than email or text. He has made some slightly flirtarious comments but nothing where I felt wierd or that he was totally out of line. The issue is that I like him AS A FRIEND but I have found that being friends beyond the workplace, does not work. Not to sound arrogant or conceited but most guys I have hung out with outside of work eventually do the, "I really like you as more than a friend, I have never met a girl like you." So, if my BF does not know I am friends with this guy, is that really bad? I am not attracted to him but I have a feeling he is to me. This guy knows all about my BF and I and I don't hide anything. Do you think I am making him think I am interested in cheating on my BF with him just by talking on the phone or going out to lunch with him? I already know my BF would not really like it, he can be jealous even though HE talks to his ex wife all the time, that is what pisses me off. He can talk to her about stuff other than the kids, but if I talk to guys that I was not friends with PRIOR to my BF and I dating, he thinks it is disrespectful. I get where he is coming from, but I also want to have this other guy as a friend still. My BF's excuse for talking to his ex is that he has no choice other than to speak with her because he has kids with her. While I know that is obviously true, it still sucks that he gets pissy if I have male friends that I want to have even while I am dating him. Yes, I know I want to have my cake and eat it too........not really, but damn life would be easier! __________________ Uh oh...I think I may be more in danger of buying a Hermes saddle than a Birkin....... Last edited by kristie; Jan 3rd, 2008 at 05:41 PM.

Jan 3rd, 2008, 05:37 PM	#2
Jahpson Member Location: The Playground	Re: Is this making some guy that in NOT my BF think I have a thing for him? I believe that fact that your boyfriend doesnt know would make you feel more guilty. if this is a guy that you dont feel like your boyfriend should learn about, then maybe you shouldn't be talking with him, as thats how affairs can start...by secrecy __________________ Amazingly Sophisticated Happy Holidays to all my TPF friends!

Jan 3rd, 2008, 08:58 PM	#4
Charles Sucks at budgeting Location: Jacksonville, Fl	Re: Is this making some guy that in NOT my BF think I have a thing for him? The only thing disrespectful about you talking to another guy is not telling your bf about it. Now, I don't mean printing him off a transcript of all your convos, but he should know you have a male friend...don't hide it is what I'm trying to say. I have female friends that I've made after Kara and I started dating, and she's made male friends...big deal. We're both outgoing people that understand that it is possible to have friends of the opposite sex without having sex with them. Besides, if Kara was going to cheat on me, do you think me telling her not to talk to other men will change that? If you're dating someone who's a cheater, you're dating a liar. In other words, if you wanted to cheat on your bf, you would, and him saying "talking to other men is disrespectful" wouldn't mean a damn thing to you. So, what's the point? Instead, he should be secure and trusting and allow you to talk to whoever you want. Besides, if he really wants to make sure you don't cheat, him knowing all the guys you talk to, and being friends with them would be a greater deterrent than him being cut off to the idea completely and not having anything to do with it. A guy's less likely to make a move on a girl if he's friends with the girls bf. As for your friend...who cares if he likes you? As long as he's not crossing any lines, let him feel however he wants. Don't be presumptuous. As long as you're keeping things platonic on your end, it's all good.

Jan 3rd, 2008, 09:12 PM	#5
LissiSays I <3 Coach =Þ Location: Miami, Florida	Re: Is this making some guy that in NOT my BF think I have a thing for him? I agree with Charles. I've learned that a person can cheat no matter what. If there is nothing to hide regarding this friendship then there is no reason why you can't tell your BF. You can't control how a person feels about you. If he likes you then that is not your fault. Obviously, don't lead him on and reciprocate the flirting. That will only lead to bigger problems. If this guy is not crossing the line then there is no reason to end the friendship. I sometimes find it easier to be friends with a guy than a girl (depending on the situation). Although, if he ever crosses the line then you need to put your foot down and clearly state your opinion on the matter. If he doesn't learn to behave then he is not a good person to have around. If the friendship is innocent on your end then go ahead and tell your BF. __________________ *LiSSi* Don't play games with a girl who can play better!

Jan 3rd, 2008, 09:15 PM	#6
bagnshoofetish We Love Our Billy	Re: Is this making some guy that in NOT my BF think I have a thing for him? ^^^I think it depends on the guy. If your gut is telling you he has feelings for you, you are probably right IMO from personal experience. I still say avoid all the potential drama and tell this guy if he does have feelings that he will have to deal with them as you cannot return the affection. And if you respect your bf, tell him about this guy. Jealousy will destroy a relationship and if you already know your bf is a jealous guy, why do things that you know are going to push his buttons in the first place? before continuing any friendship with the opposite sex, you better sit down with your SO and discuss the issue cause its not going to go away. If he just will not tolerate you being friends with other guys, then maybe you 2 are just not compatible in the first place. __________________ Please help us: http://forum.purseblog.com/animalici...nt-392607.html

Jan 3rd, 2008, 09:22 PM	#7
kristie "H" is for horses?	Re: Is this making some guy that in NOT my BF think I have a thing for him? ITA with everyone pretty much. My SO seems to think that all any guy could possibly want from me is to get in my pants. Even if that were the case, which it is not, it does not mean you will cheat! He does not seem to understand that simple concept. I really would love to sit him down and have this conversation with him and I already know he would say that it is disrespectful to talk to other guys when I am with him......not to mention, any of the guy friends that I have we have ONLY been platonic and never screwed around or anything, ever even prior to meeting my SO. sigh it seems so ridiculous that he obviously had an intimate relationship with his ex wife and HE talks to her so what is the BFD about me having platonic friends that are guys?? I am probably answering all of my own questions in my head already, but it makes me feel better to hear opinions from you all too. __________________ Uh oh...I think I may be more in danger of buying a Hermes saddle than a Birkin.......

Jan 4th, 2008, 01:05 AM	#8
Charles Sucks at budgeting Location: Jacksonville, Fl	Re: Is this making some guy that in NOT my BF think I have a thing for him? Honestly, I don't stand for jealousy at all. Trust is key and my word is my bond...period. If I say I'm committed, I'm committed, so the fact that you wouldn't want me talking to another girl, to me, means you don't trust me and you don't value my word. I don't have time for a girl like that. I'm not a child you have to instruct on how to act. I'm a grown man who is not just some walking penis, like a lot of girls think men are, so I most certainly can control my actions and any doubt of that, is insulting to me. But that's just me! If Kara told me I couldn't talk to another girl, I'd tell her to hit the road. I'm lucky enough to be with a girl who trusts me.

Jan 4th, 2008, 03:46 AM	#10
Laurie8504 chocolate...where? Location: Italy	Re: Is this making some guy that in NOT my BF think I have a thing for him? Uh oh...looks like you've been crowned the "desert queen" in this law enforcement jungle. I experienced a bit of this in my dealings with the air force: the ratio of females to males is so low, that any and every girl becomes an object of desire. Which is not meant to belittle your attractiveness, just to point out that with almost no competition you're going to garner a lot of attention. I have to feel that your man isn't too far off base when he says he knows what these guys want, expecially since he's in the same line of work. Whatever the case, the fact that he talks to his ex is NOT an excuse for you to sneak around behind his back. He's open with you about his ex, and they're finished. What you're doing is starting a new friendship, and keeping it from him. No matter what happens (or doesn't happen), the longer you hide this friendship the worse it looks. I really feel that you just need to be honest with your BF, and include him in your dealings with this guy. Don't put yourself in situations that you wouldn't want to walk in on your bf in (ie, 'date situations' or one-on-one things).

Jan 4th, 2008, 03:33 PM	#12
pinkybear Member Location: SoCal baby!	Re: Is this making some guy that in NOT my BF think I have a thing for him? i was in the same situation you're in right now. i had a class with this guy in school (college) and we kept in touch after the semester ended. i told my bf about him and he seemed cool about it. anyway my 21st birthday came and my buddy got me a huge stuff toy and card as a present. bf got very pissy and accused me of cheating. not to self-pity or anything but i am not that hot. people like me for my personality so i know that buddy was not sexually attracted to me whatsoever. anyway i kept in touch with buddy without bf's knowledge. after a couple of months i felt guilty about it. if the friendship is truly platonic then why am i hiding it from bf? so i stopped picking up buddy's phonecalls, replying to his emails and text messages. if you really want to be friends with this guy i suggest hanging out with him and ur bf. once your bf sees that hes a cool guy, that should convince him that you only see him as a platonic friend.

Jan 6th, 2008, 05:27 PM	#13
chipmunk-pnw ^.^ Location: USA	Re: Is this making some guy that in NOT my BF think I have a thing for him? I think you should tell your boyfriend about him. A relationship is never close-knit if you don't share your secrets. And face it, you do like this other guy, why then would you have lunch with him? If you're committed to your boyfriend you will not stray at all, period. Something tells me you're iffy about your bf keeping in touch with the woman who bore his children and you're just hanging onto someone else for that 'just in case he dumps me' or 'something I have to get back at him' scenario.