Long post, lots of problems..

[nycgirl24]

Hi everyone, I've never posted here, as I'm a pretty private person..but I often read through the threads here for some great advice. I haven't slept at all and I just feel like I need to vent..

So my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years now. For the past year and a half, it has been long distance, and I only see him about once a month. I feel like there is so much "baggage" I've been lugging around from this relationship. Don't get me wrong, we are completely wonderful together and madly in love..but, like any other relationship, we've definitely had our ups and downs. I don't even know where to begin...so I'll just start somewhere.

I feel like I have insecurity issues because of him and what he's done to me in the past. Before him, I was very confident and happy being alone. But since we've gotten together, I see so many changes in myself that I barely even recognize myself some days. I always thought I had a clear image of what I wanted myself to be like, and sometimes I feel like I'm so far from that. My boyfriend and I started dating in high school, and when he decided to go almost 8 hours away from home for college, I was in shock because he had never even discussed the plans with me. It hit me like a ton of bricks, and I was hurt and confused. I thought, "Aren't I even important enough for him to discuss this with me?" and, "Doesn't he want to be closer to me, if he has a choice?" In the end, I had no choice but to accept his decision because he was set on it, and he convinced me that it would be selfish of me to hold him back from wanting to experience something new. That was the end of it, and I have just accepted. At first, the long distance relationship was not working out at all. Once he hit college, he ignored me for weeks at a time without any explanation, and just treated me like dirt. The sad part of this is, even when I question him now as to why he did it, he still has no answer, and told me that he just thought he didn't love me anymore. At that time we fought a lot, and he was very verbally abusive towards me. I would cry all night and refused to even leave the house because I felt so depressed. This period of time left me wounded and insecure, and I still think about it now from time to time. Besides that, there were other things he did that made me question his faithfulness to me. On about 3 separate occasions, I found him lying and sneaking around behind my back with a mutual acquaintance who was attracted to him. The girl was basically throwing herself at him, and although he never formally cheated on me with her, he did betray my trust by setting up dates with her, flirting, and on one occasion making out with her. (Now I know how this sounds..and I'm not being naive but he is very loyal to me, and would never cheat on me.) He told me that it was nothing more than flirtation with her, and realized that he was being stupid and let his ego get the best of him. Other issues, like issues with his family, have also gotten in the way. His mother is very controlling and domineering of him, almost to point where I would call him a "mama's boy" (ugh!!) and naturally, she disliked me because I was the other woman in his life. I would always feel like he would do anything she asked of him and went above and beyond to please her, not showing me half of the effort. I used to think he was spineless when it came to his mother but now it has gotten better. After 3 years, she finally realized that I'm an important part of his life and has now started to like me. It's probably because of this that my boyfriend and I have a lot less problems dealing w/ his family, but sometimes I still think I see that speck of a mama's boy in him, which gets me really ticked off AND turned off. (mama's boys are just NOT cool!)

These were some of the major things that affected our relationship over the years. We've always gotten along great but there were just some bumps in the road. Now remember how we're long distance? The latest thing that's been pissing me off is how I feel like he doesn't appreciate me or anything I do for him. (ie: I've requested days off from work because I wanted to celebrate his birthday with him and see him off before he goes back upstate after Thanksgiving break..I've already visited him 3 times during the year even if it's inconvenient for me...I have a far more busier schedule than he does, working part-time and going to school as a pre-med major.. and I just go out of my way, above and beyond to always take him into consideration, to make sure that I do anything I can to make him happy, or to spend time with him.) He, on the other hand, is not so considerate of me...he's never even visited me once..and he DRIVES for Christ's sake...I took the amtrak or greyhound..almost an 8 hr trip one way just to see him.. and I always make the plans to see him, I always tell him that I want to spend time with him because I miss him. I've been so excited about the Thanksgiving break because he's supposed to stay over my place for a night, and he hasn't stayed here yet since I've moved in...(the last break he had he was supposed to stay over here, but because he didn't want his MOTHER getting mad, he didn't..) and last night he just told me that he wont be staying over for a night here because then he won't have enough time to spend with his family. I was so upset, because that's the stupidest reasoning...I told him that staying over on Fri night, and going back home Sat morning.. will still give him Saturday to spend with him family! I'm just furious!! What's even worse...I blew up and told him that he doesn't appreciate anything I do for him, and pointed out some examples. His reply was that I only do things for him JUST TO BE ABLE TO SAY THAT I DO THINGS FOR HIM..can you believe that?!?! Unappreciative prick!! On top of that, he says that I'm too intense, that I'm basically suffocating him, and that there's a reason why I always go to see him, and it's not the other way around. I know he was angry when he said this, and trust me..I've heard my fair share of hurtful things when he's angry...but I believe that there's a truth in that..I just spent most of last night crying, when I was on the phone with him. Now I need to ask you guys 2 questions: What should I do about my issues? (according to him, I'm an unhappy person with lots of personal issues and I'm just taking them out on him), and also...Do all guys respond the same way when their girlfriend is bawling and crying her eyes out?? He usually either ignores it, asks "Are you done yet?", or just tells me that he doesn't want to deal with me and would rather go to sleep...and proceed to hang up the phone. All I want is to feel loved and appreciated for my hard efforts. I've done nothing but support him, worry about him, and stick by him even when he was the biggest a**hole to me. He's supposed to be coming to see me tomorrow, and hopefully he will, if he's not too pissed off, because I definitely need to talk to him.

Sorry I sound a little crazy and incoherent...I just ramble when I vent...Thanks for taking the time to read this.

[nataliam1976]

ok you say yourself you have been reading the threads here so you should know what answers will start flowing in...dont walk away, RUN! that piece off asshat has been disrespecting you and mistreating you far too long...just the fact that he didnt even consult you on his going away, screams volumes and should have switched the red light on for you.

i dont think any amount of counselling if he even agrees would do any good...time to leave the jerk and start living your life.

[nataliam1976]

oh and about your questions i wont even take my time to answer them in detail. a man who would LOVE you, would have never put you in such situation or talk to you this way. Its HIM who has issues and if he can not appreciate what he has, his loss.

I really need to watch what i am saying because at the moment i am so angry at him that the whole post would need to be censored.

You have nothing left to talk about , when he comes tomorrow, have his stuff ready and packed outside your door and make sure its locked.

[DesigningStyle]

OMG, this is a destructive, unhealthy relationship. Get out of it now. This is NOT how relationships are. You may wish to go get counseling yourself to help you through it. But this must end. You are in for a lifetime of sorrow with this man.

[DesigningStyle]

Oh and I should add. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Please try to smile. And, please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. {{{hugs}}}

[elizat]

Originally Posted by nycgirl24

Now I need to ask you guys 2 questions: What should I do about my issues? (according to him, I'm an unhappy person with lots of personal issues and I'm just taking them out on him), and also...Do all guys respond the same way when their girlfriend is bawling and crying her eyes out?? He usually either ignores it, asks "Are you done yet?", or just tells me that he doesn't want to deal with me and would rather go to sleep...and proceed to hang up the phone. All I want is to feel loved and appreciated for my hard efforts. I've done nothing but support him, worry about him, and stick by him even when he was the biggest a**hole to me. He's supposed to be coming to see me tomorrow, and hopefully he will, if he's not too pissed off, because I definitely need to talk to him.

I agree that all relationships have good and bad, as well as rough spots. But, to answer your questions:

1. As to if you have issues: I do not think you sound like an unhappy or depressed person in general. From what I gather, HE is making you feel unhappy because of how is treating you and your feelings of not being appreciated (and rightfully so!). I don't think you are taking your problems out on him- I think HE is causing the problems by not meeting you in the middle and making reciprocal efforts. Relationships work both ways and although we don't have all the facts, it seems like he is not working his side of the street, if you get what I mean.

I don't know what you want to do as far as continue w/ him, work it out, etc. But, if you do want to do those things, he needs to REALLY listen. I think he is not paying attention to your needs and what you have done for him. He does seem to be selfish and does not want to admit, as in saying that you only do things for him, b/c you want to say you did that. Uggh! What a load of garbage! You did them because you cared and wanted to get that in return from him.

2. I don't think that his reaction is "normal" in any sense of the word. Most people, when someone else is crying, in emotional pain, upset will offer comfort and try to make the other feel better, esp. if it is someone that they love and care for! To tell you he doesn't want to deal with it or wants to sleep, is just another example of being selfish, IMO. I don't think you treat a person that you love that way, period. Love involves making sacrifices and as razorbackbelle wrote in a post dealing w/ my recent b/f issues, love is about putting the other person's happiness before your own. He's not doing that.

I hope that if you see him, you can address all this and figure out what YOU want before you see him. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you just as much as you want them and who makes sacrifices and puts you first.

[nataliam1976]

to clarify even more i used to live in a partly LDR with a similar idiot. Only in my new relationship i learned that it isnt about being mistreated, a doormat to unload prince`s moods, unsure, unhappy and miserable for most of the time. My SO will never go to sleep angry with me, we will talk ( talk , not fight or insult each other ) until the matter is solved, once he called in sick to work and we talked all night, it was so important to him for us to be in the right place again. Just one example, but i think it shows the difference well.

You seem to realize how badly he is treating you, you do know he has been a jerk for years ...can I ask you why you still let him do that?

[nycgirl24]

Thank you all so much for replying, and so quickly too..

To answer the above post ^ this is my problem...he's my best friend and my worst enemy. Sometimes I feel like I NEED to tear myself away, but always get drawn back in. I'm not sure if it's even believable, but when we are not having problems everything is wonderful smiles, blue skies, and I think to myself that I could see myself having a serious future with him. Other times, when we fight..it's the opposite. I know that there are lots of fish in the sea, but I'm afraid of being without him, and I think I might even be afraid to be alone.. Sometimes he's so good to me that I feel like he's the BEST I could ask for. Then again, he's the worst thing I'm doing to myself. How am I supposed to choose?

[dearmissie]

oh my dear.. first off. -hugs- im soooo sorry you have to deal with such an ungrate piece of crap of a man. hes not even a man, hes a childish boy. i agree with nataliam1976. run away.. FAR FAR AWAY!! he def. does not deserve such a sweet girl like you!! i understand it sucks when ur bf is a mamas boy. trust me, i feel the same way about my fiance, and now i just say whats on my mind. i mean, his mom is his mom, but you are his future! and you need to TLC. if he cant give it to you, someone else will!!

you dont sound like u have an unhappy life, so i have no idea why hes using this pathetic excuse! if anything hes the negative energy in your life that needs to get THE BOOT! just get rid of all his crap without any explanations. he doesnt deserve you to waste ur breathe on him. youre such a great gf!! anyone would be so happy and appreciative of all your hard work. a relationship is 50/50. if he cant meet you half way, he cant have you!

and you know how u keep saying he asks if "ur done" when ur talking to him about things that upset you. if the a$#H&*^ cant take you at your worst, then the b*%$# doesnt deserve you at your best!!

go down yourself with some yummy food, and take ur self shopping! :] you deserve it!

[dearmissie]

Originally Posted by nycgirl24

Thank you all so much for replying, and so quickly too.. To answer the above post ^ this is my problem...he's my best friend and my worst enemy. Sometimes I feel like I NEED to tear myself away, but always get drawn back in. I'm not sure if it's even believable, but when we are not having problems everything is wonderful smiles, blue skies, and I think to myself that I could see myself having a serious future with him. Other times, when we fight..it's the opposite. I know that there are lots of fish in the sea, but I'm afraid of being without him, and I think I might even be afraid to be alone.. Sometimes he's so good to me that I feel like he's the BEST I could ask for. Then again, he's the worst thing I'm doing to myself. How am I supposed to choose?

well i think its a waste of time being with this loser (sorry, he just seems so wrong for such a wonderful gal like yourself!) buuuuuuuut, if you really dont know what to do (which i suggest you RUN!) then maybe write a pros and cons list??

i had a bad relationship for 3 years.. and it was BAD! i mean the worst anyone could think of! he even told me i could never get anyone better than him, and he was the best i could get. and i thought he was crap. and he replied, "and so that means, the best u can get is crap, because this is all that will be with u because you are too crap!" and trust me, im so glad thats over with years ago. no one (esp. us good gfs!) deserve that crap from a BOY! sounds pathetic but after a few months of being with him i was unhappy and i didnt want to be with him. but i felt i couldnt leave for almost 3 years! (years wasted!) i felt pulled back bc he would always pull some crap on me. making me feel bad and what not. threatening to hurt himself.. blah blah. i ended it when the butthead threatened to kill me if i left him. i dont want you wasting precious years on ur bf like i did. run honey, and run FAST!

[riffraff]

In a word - Leave.

Become the person you thought you would be.

edit: *hugs* take care, hope it all works out for you

[berryblondeboys]

Well, I'm trying to see this from both sides. Since I'm seeing what YOU have to say, It's hard not to favor your side, but I can also see what he is saying.

Maybe I'm getting old, but this seems like pretty typical behavior for early college relationships. How old are the two of you? 20? 19?

In a word, I don't think that this is necessarily a bad relationship, but it does appear that you are way too needy of him - at least more so than he is of you. From what you have wrote, it appears like you have centered your entire life around him and don't have much of a life besides that. THIS is not healthy and from what it sounds, your boyfriend SEES that it's not healthy that you are so focused on him.

So, try to find other things you enjoy. Hang out with your friends, do some things where you will mingle with more people. Get out of the house more and so on. I'm not saying to IGNORE him, but build a life for yourself too. A healthy relationship is one that has two people living THEIR lives and a common bond between the two = it's not WE ARE ONE. That's not healthy.

It just isn't clear to me that it's your boyfriend's fault that you feel insecure. It's your age, your stage of life and the fact that you have invested TOO much in this young relationship so much so that you are forgetting YOUR needs. You cannot expect ONE person to fulfill all your needs. You need to do some of that for yourself and build friendships for the rest of it.

If you do that for yourself, this relationship will either end because you will see that your dependence on him is wrongly placed, or it will strengthen your relationship as you become a stronger person. Men do not find insecure women attractive. Most men LOVE women who know who they are and what they want.

Good luck. (BTW... I used to work in Univ. Residence life for years, so I've seen a LOT of young college relationships and have done my fair share of counseling about it).

[nataliam1976]

Originally Posted by nycgirl24

Thank you all so much for replying, and so quickly too.. To answer the above post ^ this is my problem...he's my best friend and my worst enemy. Sometimes I feel like I NEED to tear myself away, but always get drawn back in. I'm not sure if it's even believable, but when we are not having problems everything is wonderful smiles, blue skies, and I think to myself that I could see myself having a serious future with him. Other times, when we fight..it's the opposite. I know that there are lots of fish in the sea, but I'm afraid of being without him, and I think I might even be afraid to be alone.. Sometimes he's so good to me that I feel like he's the BEST I could ask for. Then again, he's the worst thing I'm doing to myself. How am I supposed to choose?

Only when you will never have to say the lines in bold about your SO, you will be in the right relationship. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship with no issues but its the WAY you deal with them that counts the most. Do you know the saying words speak actions scream ? His actions scream loud enough to give you a wake up call!

i think you answered to your own question in the post above. no matter what other circumstances are, he IS the worst thing you do to yourself. Choice should be simple.

And you really should think how much of your fear is not being without him but simply being alone...i cant say i understand this, as i never had problems being alone and i dont think being in relationship is what defines a person, but what is better - being a doormat for a bully or being alone with peace of mind and self respect?

[nataliam1976]

and you should really read Superbaby`s thread here and check out the answers a lot of them apply to you too (((((hugs)))))

[missmustard]

I once had a BF who was pretty much what you're describing. As hard as it may be, you're better off without. If you're not feeling appreciated, and he's certainly being an ass about it, then leave him. I had a horrible time myself trying to detach myself from a very unhealthy relationship (like yours), but in the long run it was so much better.

It completely ruined my self-esteem, and even though it's been over a year now, I haven't fully gained it back. Run far and away now, while you still can!

A huge hug, and lots of support!