Long Distance Relationship

Fendi213 · Jun 11th, 2008, 10:54 AM

I've been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years now and it's always been hard, and it's always been the main reason for our arguments. Right now he lives 7 hours away from me and when he's at uni he's only about half an hour away.

We argreed that after he finished uni he would go home for a week and then come back and live with me and get a job here. He's been gone for nearly 3 weeks now and basically he has no money to be able to come here, I offered to give him the money to come but he doesn't want to take it because he will have to rely on me intill he finds a job and he doesn't want to do that. Instead he's decided to stay at home and get a job there to make some money and then he says he will come here when he's made some money. He's been gone 3 weeks, and he doesn't have a job yet, I'm not sure if he's even tried, because every time I bring up the subject he gets really angry and tells me he's stressed out enough without me pressuring him. So basically I have to keep my mouth shut and just not even mention him going down here or him getting a job.

I just want him to be here now, I want us to be together and sometimes I feel that he doesn't want that, he always gets really angry when I tell him that if he really doesn't want to be with me he should just tell me. I understand that he needs to make money, and I understand that it is hard for him and I'm trying not to be selfish because I know I can be selfish and I do feel that I'm just thinking about myself and what I want but it's just really hard right now because at the moment I have no idea when I will see him next, it could be next week, next month, or even a few months and I'm just really confused.

I love him so much and I don't want our relationship to end, but I'm unsure now if he even wants to come back here and be with me, or maybe I'm just being completly selfish, I'm not sure what to feel anymore.

ilovepinkhearts · Jun 11th, 2008, 11:01 AM

ok, you were able to handle the LD thing for 2 yrs, so give him a bit more time to be able to come to you and not have to be supported by you. have some faith in him. maybe he is taking a break after uni and doesn't want to let you know because he is afraid he will get in trouble. so i suggest that you give him some time and still talk and what not. just let him know you love him and wish him well in finding a job. i hope it all works out for the 2 of you.

nooch · Jun 11th, 2008, 02:35 PM

Before I give any advice (and I just ended the long distance portion of my relationship so it's fairly fresh in my mind), do you mean finished uni for the semester or has he graduated? What is your school/work status?

lovinalotofbags · Jun 11th, 2008, 02:40 PM

You have gone this long. Stop pressuring him. He seems like a man who wants to be able to stand on his own two feet. Let him. Encourage him and just be there for him. Talk about something else, more uplifting.

Fendi213 · Jun 11th, 2008, 02:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nooch

Before I give any advice (and I just ended the long distance portion of my relationship so it's fairly fresh in my mind), do you mean finished uni for the semester or has he graduated? What is your school/work status?

I meant he's finished just for the semester, he's supposed to come back in september but he's not sure if he wants to continue with college.

I just finished my first year of college aswell.

nooch · Jun 11th, 2008, 04:32 PM

Novel incoming...

If I were you, I would definitely be doing the same thing. Long distance relationships SUCK SUCK SUCK. Have you guys always been long distance?

IMO, the fact that you've been long-distance for two years doesn't say "you've done it for this long, give it a little while longer", it means "he needs to shit or get off the pot". He NEEDS to find a job, whether it's near you or near him. NEEDS to. And while only you know if you're asking or nagging, don't let him give you that "you're nagging, go away" BS. I say this because I just put up with SEVEN MONTHS of my boyfriend being unemployed and yelling at me if I ever brought it up. All he did was play World of Warcraft and rack up debt. I was very, very close to leaving him, especially after he had the audacity to ask me to marry him and then CONTINUE to not have a job. I let myself be bullied into not being as serious about it as I wanted to be and you should NOT do the same thing. Believe me, it sucked big time.

You need to talk this out in person. Are you in a position to go out there for a weekend? Maybe if you observe him in his natural habitat it'll give a clue as to whether he's trying or not (and he very well might not be).

And if your relationship isn't going anywhere, it's not fair to either of you to drag this out. You just finished your first year of college, that makes you pretty young. If this is going to remain as stagnant as it seems to be, don't you both deserve to know?

I am not saying to be all MARRY ME OR ELSE and I don't want anyone to read it like I'm saying that... but you (and he) deserve to know what you're doing. If you're going to take steps to be together then take them and if you aren't then it's time to start the healing process.

(After my own horrible long-distance year with my boyfriend I am 100% opposed to long distance situations that do not contain an end date, anyone who had a better experience is free to tear everything I said down.)

Good luck and keep us updated

vuittonamour · Jun 11th, 2008, 08:32 PM

blah. i myself am in a long distance relationship. he is 5 hours from me and we've managed to see each other every weekend. it's getting very expensive but both of us are bound and determined to find a way. in the end, that's all it comes down to. what is he doing with his time if he's not looking for a job? if he says he is trying, believe him. you need to trust what he says, otherwise the relationship is not worth even trying for anymore. without trust, there is nothing. three weeks is an iffy time. it could be difficult to find a job in that amount of time, but at the same time it could be very easy depending on what sort of thing he's looking to do. my boyfriend says that he'd have nothing to lose would do everything in his power to come stay here with me, if he was in your boyfriend's position. and if he absolutely needed money before he came here he'd be searching everywhere for a job in his spare time and leave as quickly as possible.

honestly, to me, it sounds like if he's looking for a job out by him rather than by you...he's not planning on coming to be with you. he's not going to be working the job for a month and then leave, considering it's already june 11th. honestly i don't see why it would be so hard to call around, interview, and apply by you, secure a job, come be with you, and then start making money. he'd get paid within a week or two.

honestly, i am sorry to say, i think he's making excuses.

Junkenpo · Jun 11th, 2008, 08:44 PM

I was in an LDR for 4 years. He was BF for most of it, DF for the last 2 months. We were both done with college, he was working, and I had just started a teacher licensing program.

I'd say around the 2year mark we had a serious talk about where the relationship was headed because I was completely fed up with the distance thing and felt like he put his work way ahead of our relationship.

Honestly, a lot of men really need to feel like they can handle things, and being out of work often chips away at their ego. It'll be hard for you because you miss him, but what he really needs from you is support and not accusations or nagging.

It took me a long time to figure out that amount of time DF spends at work is not a reflection of his love for me. He doesn't stay long hours at work because he loves his work more or becuase he's trying to stay away from me. He stays long hours becuase he has a strong work ethic and that's who he is....which is part of his loyalty and love also. It makes him, HIM.

I try to be more understanding of his hours, and am more likely to give him a hug, a massage, and an ear for what happened at work when he comes home. It's cut back on the arguments, and he's more likely to try to come home early since he knows he's not in for a fight.

good luck to you.

nooch · Jun 11th, 2008, 08:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Junkenpo

what he really needs from you is support and not accusations or nagging

that is 100% true, but there is a fine line between support and enabling.

VPT · Jun 12th, 2008, 06:18 AM

Of course (some) long distance relationship works or I won't have married my guy. I have been in 2 other LDR before and they ended. The thing is for any LDR to work, BOTH parties must be equally keen on making an effort for the relationship to progress. In your case there's a big question mark, as he doesn't seem as keen on it as you are. He seems contented where he is and is quite reluctant to move out of his comfort zone right now and doesn't seem to have the motivation to move forward. I think you need to reconsider this affair otherwise you can wait another 10 years ... it's gonna be a big waste of your time.

Jun 11th, 2008, 10:54 AM	#1
Fendi213 Jesse	Long Distance Relationship I've been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years now and it's always been hard, and it's always been the main reason for our arguments. Right now he lives 7 hours away from me and when he's at uni he's only about half an hour away. We argreed that after he finished uni he would go home for a week and then come back and live with me and get a job here. He's been gone for nearly 3 weeks now and basically he has no money to be able to come here, I offered to give him the money to come but he doesn't want to take it because he will have to rely on me intill he finds a job and he doesn't want to do that. Instead he's decided to stay at home and get a job there to make some money and then he says he will come here when he's made some money. He's been gone 3 weeks, and he doesn't have a job yet, I'm not sure if he's even tried, because every time I bring up the subject he gets really angry and tells me he's stressed out enough without me pressuring him. So basically I have to keep my mouth shut and just not even mention him going down here or him getting a job. I just want him to be here now, I want us to be together and sometimes I feel that he doesn't want that, he always gets really angry when I tell him that if he really doesn't want to be with me he should just tell me. I understand that he needs to make money, and I understand that it is hard for him and I'm trying not to be selfish because I know I can be selfish and I do feel that I'm just thinking about myself and what I want but it's just really hard right now because at the moment I have no idea when I will see him next, it could be next week, next month, or even a few months and I'm just really confused. I love him so much and I don't want our relationship to end, but I'm unsure now if he even wants to come back here and be with me, or maybe I'm just being completly selfish, I'm not sure what to feel anymore.

Jun 11th, 2008, 11:01 AM	#2
ilovepinkhearts hi, i'm danielle Location: Texas	ok, you were able to handle the LD thing for 2 yrs, so give him a bit more time to be able to come to you and not have to be supported by you. have some faith in him. maybe he is taking a break after uni and doesn't want to let you know because he is afraid he will get in trouble. so i suggest that you give him some time and still talk and what not. just let him know you love him and wish him well in finding a job. i hope it all works out for the 2 of you. __________________

Jun 11th, 2008, 02:35 PM	#3
nooch bubblehead Location: new mexico via BROOKLYN NY	Before I give any advice (and I just ended the long distance portion of my relationship so it's fairly fresh in my mind), do you mean finished uni for the semester or has he graduated? What is your school/work status? __________________ FAT AND FABULOUS! CHANGE THE WAY YOU THINK NOT THE WAY YOU LOOK! http://www.natreasures.com Authentic American Indian jewelry & crafts All orders ship free PM me for discount codes

Jun 11th, 2008, 02:40 PM	#4
lovinalotofbags In for the long haul Location: South Carolina	You have gone this long. Stop pressuring him. He seems like a man who wants to be able to stand on his own two feet. Let him. Encourage him and just be there for him. Talk about something else, more uplifting. __________________ Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.

Jun 11th, 2008, 04:32 PM	#6
nooch bubblehead Location: new mexico via BROOKLYN NY	Novel incoming... If I were you, I would definitely be doing the same thing. Long distance relationships SUCK SUCK SUCK. Have you guys always been long distance? IMO, the fact that you've been long-distance for two years doesn't say "you've done it for this long, give it a little while longer", it means "he needs to shit or get off the pot". He NEEDS to find a job, whether it's near you or near him. NEEDS to. And while only you know if you're asking or nagging, don't let him give you that "you're nagging, go away" BS. I say this because I just put up with SEVEN MONTHS of my boyfriend being unemployed and yelling at me if I ever brought it up. All he did was play World of Warcraft and rack up debt. I was very, very close to leaving him, especially after he had the audacity to ask me to marry him and then CONTINUE to not have a job. I let myself be bullied into not being as serious about it as I wanted to be and you should NOT do the same thing. Believe me, it sucked big time. You need to talk this out in person. Are you in a position to go out there for a weekend? Maybe if you observe him in his natural habitat it'll give a clue as to whether he's trying or not (and he very well might not be). And if your relationship isn't going anywhere, it's not fair to either of you to drag this out. You just finished your first year of college, that makes you pretty young. If this is going to remain as stagnant as it seems to be, don't you both deserve to know? I am not saying to be all MARRY ME OR ELSE and I don't want anyone to read it like I'm saying that... but you (and he) deserve to know what you're doing. If you're going to take steps to be together then take them and if you aren't then it's time to start the healing process. (After my own horrible long-distance year with my boyfriend I am 100% opposed to long distance situations that do not contain an end date, anyone who had a better experience is free to tear everything I said down.) Good luck and keep us updated __________________ FAT AND FABULOUS! CHANGE THE WAY YOU THINK NOT THE WAY YOU LOOK! http://www.natreasures.com Authentic American Indian jewelry & crafts All orders ship free PM me for discount codes

Jun 11th, 2008, 08:32 PM	#7
vuittonamour ooh let me see! Location: new jersey	blah. i myself am in a long distance relationship. he is 5 hours from me and we've managed to see each other every weekend. it's getting very expensive but both of us are bound and determined to find a way. in the end, that's all it comes down to. what is he doing with his time if he's not looking for a job? if he says he is trying, believe him. you need to trust what he says, otherwise the relationship is not worth even trying for anymore. without trust, there is nothing. three weeks is an iffy time. it could be difficult to find a job in that amount of time, but at the same time it could be very easy depending on what sort of thing he's looking to do. my boyfriend says that he'd have nothing to lose would do everything in his power to come stay here with me, if he was in your boyfriend's position. and if he absolutely needed money before he came here he'd be searching everywhere for a job in his spare time and leave as quickly as possible. honestly, to me, it sounds like if he's looking for a job out by him rather than by you...he's not planning on coming to be with you. he's not going to be working the job for a month and then leave, considering it's already june 11th. honestly i don't see why it would be so hard to call around, interview, and apply by you, secure a job, come be with you, and then start making money. he'd get paid within a week or two. honestly, i am sorry to say, i think he's making excuses. __________________

Jun 11th, 2008, 08:44 PM	#8
Junkenpo Boom, baby! Location: 2500 miles from any continental landmass	I was in an LDR for 4 years. He was BF for most of it, DF for the last 2 months. We were both done with college, he was working, and I had just started a teacher licensing program. I'd say around the 2year mark we had a serious talk about where the relationship was headed because I was completely fed up with the distance thing and felt like he put his work way ahead of our relationship. Honestly, a lot of men really need to feel like they can handle things, and being out of work often chips away at their ego. It'll be hard for you because you miss him, but what he really needs from you is support and not accusations or nagging. It took me a long time to figure out that amount of time DF spends at work is not a reflection of his love for me. He doesn't stay long hours at work because he loves his work more or becuase he's trying to stay away from me. He stays long hours becuase he has a strong work ethic and that's who he is....which is part of his loyalty and love also. It makes him, HIM. I try to be more understanding of his hours, and am more likely to give him a hug, a massage, and an ear for what happened at work when he comes home. It's cut back on the arguments, and he's more likely to try to come home early since he knows he's not in for a fight. good luck to you. __________________ Love the animals: God has given them the rudiments of thought and joy untroubled-- Fyodor Dostoyevsky] PONDERING: Damier Pochette Melville, mini pochette, Naviglio; Ivoire Epi Alma; Amarante cles or keyholder...

Jun 12th, 2008, 06:18 AM	#10
VPT i ♥ blood oranges Location: Singapore / Vancouver	Of course (some) long distance relationship works or I won't have married my guy. I have been in 2 other LDR before and they ended. The thing is for any LDR to work, BOTH parties must be equally keen on making an effort for the relationship to progress. In your case there's a big question mark, as he doesn't seem as keen on it as you are. He seems contented where he is and is quite reluctant to move out of his comfort zone right now and doesn't seem to have the motivation to move forward. I think you need to reconsider this affair otherwise you can wait another 10 years ... it's gonna be a big waste of your time. __________________