[Demosthenes]

I just wanted to share my story... I don't know why I feel so at home here at tPF, but I sure am grateful that a community like this exists.

So much has changed in my life in such a short period of time that I'm sometimes surprised that I haven't gone nuts. This year, in my 2nd trimester, I moved from all of my friends and family to a city thousands of miles away, and everything seemed great at first. The move was inevitable- DH is in the Navy and it comes with the territory, but the timing was sad because I just happened to be pregnant at the time, and I was losing my entire support group. I also gave up a great job doing what I loved, and there's little hope that I'll be able to work in the field again (I got my degree in Political Science, and we live too far away from Austin for me to put it to use).

Sure, I had major changes to adjust to, like not having anyone to talk to or hang out with, but since I was nesting and adjusting to life in Texas, I was distracted enough where I didn't really notice it.

Then the most horrible thing happened to me- my water broke when I was only 29 weeks pregnant. I was so terrified, and those 4 days of labor were really traumatizing for me. I did everything I could to keep my baby in, and was on bedrest and meds to try to stop the labor from advancing, but it was just too late, and I couldn't control the contractions. I think I spent 24 hours fully dilated, but the doctors didn't want to check because they ran the risk of infecting my baby... it was bad, but not as bad as the guilt and pain I had to go through- and still go through every day.

DH and I were so happy about our pregnancy... I did everything I was supposed to, and read books, took classes, and gave up everything. The jokes people made about my pre-term labor would just bring me to tears, even though they meant well (they'd say things like, "he's just really impatient!" to try to lighten the mood). I was just in a bad place, and severely depressed. I think the only thing that kept me going in those days was breastfeeding, believe it or not.

I'd be seconds away from wanting to kill myself (the depression was so uncontrolled) but the need to pump for my baby would always bring me back from the edge. He was only 2 lbs 15 oz when he was born, and for the first week he lost even more weight, which just broke my heart. DH was going through a lot also, and we just couldn't be there for each other the way we should have.

In the end, he spent 8 weeks at the hospital, and I was there every day. He had to go through multiple blood transfusions, test after test, spinal taps... the works. I just felt so helpless and heartbroken that I failed to take care of my innocent little baby and grow him... because of me he had to experience all of that pain and suffering. I'm crying again...

I'll probably have to finish this later...

[Jill]

Im so sorry..Please feel free to PM me anytime to chat

HUGS.!!!
u will get thru this(Ive been thru this)....I promise.all the PF gals are here for u..we r one big family here!!!!!

[gillianna]

Please know you are not alone and the people here are some of the most wonderful people around. The love and support they have shown each other is truly amazing. Realize that you went through so many changes in such a short time. It was hard on you. Then the baby coming early would cause more stress. YOU did nothing wrong. Please do not blame yourself. Have you talked to your doctor about depression? If not, please do. It is not something to be ashamed of. So many supportive people are here that can offer you advice or just a friendly place to vent about your day.
Is there a mother's group in your town that you can join? Does the hospital have a Mom's club. Or a church in the area, you don't even have to be a member of a church they seem open to anyone who wants to join their groups. I also think being away from your support group of friends and family around this time of year can add to depression. Please know that things will get better. Remember you are not alone and you can talk about anything here and we will listen.
HUGS.

[choozen1ne]

You and your family are in my prayers , I know you will find the strength to pull through this

[kroquet]

Please feel free to PM me if you would like to chat. I had my babies in Austin so I feel a connection to you. I believe I get the drift of what you are going thru and I have been there, too. We are all here for you anytime. I will have my computer up all day, so please feel free to chat anytime. Hugs and kisses to you!!

[Demosthenes]

Sorry about that... it's been a long time since I cried about what happened, and it just came back when I started writing about it.

I'm in a much better place now. :) The depression went away around the same time I brought my baby home. Sadly enough, I did reach out a couple of times, but I was told that it was perfectly normal to be sad, especially since we weren't sure if my baby was going to be ok, etc. I even called a hotline, but they never did call me back, which discouraged me. And in the throes of depression and self-pity, it's rare that someone will have the mental clarity to actually try to get help, so after those failed attempts I dealt with it on my own, and eventually I got better.

Now my son's healthy and happy, and that's pretty much all that I want in life. The loneliness that I mentioned in the title of this post kicks in at his point, because I'm at home with him 24/7. He's at high risk for RSV, so from October to April, we're keeping him safe at home... taking him to the grocery store or mall isn't worth the risk of losing him.

This month I've only left our townhome for a couple of hours total, on two separate days for doctors appointments only. It makes it pretty impossible to make new friends, and even then, I can't really have people over in case my baby gets sick, so I'm pretty much at the point where I just have to get used to having only a few minutes of adult contact each day. (DH works long hours- from 9 to 11 at night)

tPF, myspace, email, and the internet in general helps me get through the day a lot of times... I can't even imagine what I'd do if this happened before the internet age.

Just wanted to thank everyone on here... sometimes it's hard to know how much something as little as a silly forum can mean to someone.

[LissiSays]

OMG! *hugs*

You can't control nature. There is only so much that nature allows us to do. The rest is out of our hands. I hope you don't blame yourself for the early labor. It wasn't your fault. I have a long distance friend that just had her 2nd miscarriage for no known reason. Whenever you feel like you are hitting rock bottom try to remember that it could be worse. Be happy, your son is alive and I'm sure he is very handsome! He is going to grow up and be a wonderful boyfriend for my little niece.

I know depression can be horrible and uncontrollable. But just remember that your little son needs you and is going to need you for the next 18+ years of his life. Always remember that when the depression tries to win over you. It is amazing how an online forum can have so many caring people! Use them! Talk to them. Talk to us. As Jill said, we are one big happy family! You are never alone! If you don't want to talk to a doctor for help then come here. We will be your daily dose of love and medication.

P.S. - I just saw the post you added. I'm still going to leave what I originally wrote but wanted to add that I'm glad things are starting to look up!

[susieserb]

Internet for all it's scariness is a blessing in so many ways, one of which you pointed out on this forum.

My neighbor had a very similar situation to yours but w/o the internet element i.e. (24 years ago). She succumbed to antidepressant therapy, apparently it was a God sent. People aren't meant to be alone and women are such social beings we generate energy from talking and sharing where men generate energy from being alone, they recharge that way.

Remember this too shall pass. Your son will get stronger and thrive, once that happens you'll get into play groups and you will thrive too! Being a new mom in a new location is tough enough, adding health issues is scary. But you sound strong and very responsible. You will make it!!!

[Swanky Mama Of Three]

oh Sweetie! {{{{hugs}}}}
No one that's not a member who could possibly understand. . . . it DOES feel like home here for many of us and I think it's because we're receptive to that.
I'm sorry there wasn't more support for you w/ your PPD {post-partum depression} or baby blues. It's PARAMOUNT us Mommies are immediately supported when we reach out after birth, ESPECIALLY Mommies to preemies or micro-preemies.
I can't imagine being cooped up inside, I'd go nuts, tPF is so fantastic for this very reason.
How old is your baby now?
Also, I see you're in TX, where are you? I'm here too
Feel free to PM me if you don't want to post your location.

[Demosthenes]

Originally Posted by Swanky Mama Of Three

oh Sweetie! {{{{hugs}}}}
No one that's not a member who could possibly understand. . . . it DOES feel like home here for many of us and I think it's because we're receptive to that.
I'm sorry there wasn't more support for you w/ your PPD {post-partum depression} or baby blues. It's PARAMOUNT us Mommies are immediately supported when we reach out after birth, ESPECIALLY Mommies to preemies or micro-preemies.
I can't imagine being cooped up inside, I'd go nuts, tPF is so fantastic for this very reason.
How old is your baby now?
Also, I see you're in TX, where are you? I'm here too
Feel free to PM me if you don't want to post your location.

My baby is now 6 months old. :) He was born two and a half months early, so he looks more like a 3 month old baby.

We live in El Paso now, which is a HUGE change from Hawaii. I like Texas overall (from what I've seen of it)... I think the biggest adjustment was losing my friends and family... lol, DH calls our city Hell Paso though. He hates it even though he was raised here. Where are you located?

[boxermom]

Hugs to you, sweetheart. Gosh, you've been thru enough to knock down the strongest person. I hope your baby can get healthy enough for you to get out more often. But in the meantime, everyone is here with support and love.

My situation wasn't nearly as serious as yours, but I found tPF when we moved from an area I did not want to leave. The new town is so different and I was in no mood to adapt; depression and loneliness followed. The biggest help at that time was my daily escape to the Purse Forum. I've met the kindest people here. I'm feeling better now, but PF is still an important part of my life.

Post, vent, PM, do whatever you need for yourself. We're here.

[compulsivepurse]

Hi,

With my first, my water broke at 32.5 weeks and my baby only spent 2 weeks in the NICU so I was lucky. I went into labor at 28 weeks (really 27 weeks, because I never knew what a contraction was like with the first baby so I didn't know I was having them) and was on strict bedrest for 8 weeks and had him just shy of 36 weeks. But he didn't need to stay in a NICU. He got RSV when he was 3 months old, though, so that was a picnic.

I have a support system of friends around me but not family. DH's lives 7 hours away, and mine 2 hours, but my parents still work and my sisters work and have their families so no one could come down much.

With my first son I handled it very well until he was about 8 weeks old and it all hit me like a brick. I managed to learn to breastfeed with both after all the pumping (PM me for info if you need help) which was a major step and I was proud of myself, but at the same time no-one can take over the feeding for you, so you are up all the time (although my DH would sit up with me, God Bless him). But that alone caused me so much stress and tears. I was fine until DH went back to work and the world fell apart. Some days he would go to work and I would be all alone and I would cry. Some days he would call me and say, "I'm going to stop at Walmart on the way home," and I would tell him "You can't go today, you need to come right home." By the time my first son was six months I knew I had a problem but I didn't go on antidepressants because I was nursing. I remember I could overhear our neighbor's baby on the monitor. He had colic and would cry all the time - I had the best little baby in the world. I was so frazzled and I knew I was and that I shouldn't be, and I looked at my little guy and said, "at least you're not doing that." I was also losing weight uncontrollably from the nursing. It burned so many calories I was anemic and weighed too little. Then I was still nursing when my son was turned 12 months old and I got pregnant again, so I didn't do them again. I was determined to nurse again so I did, but this time I watched my diet better. I lost weight no matter what I did but I wasn't anemic.

Your babies take longer to do things. My children didn't hold their heads up until they were three months old. My second son didn't roll over (I'm not kidding) until he was 8 months old, and then he sat up by himself at the same time. My first had to take his hearing test 3 times before he passed it, so we were worried he was deaf. You read about all the brain damage that premature babies can have but you won't know if they have it for a year because there is just no way to know (I know preemies that have had 3rd degree brain bleeds that are fine in adult-hood, by the way.)

I think in retrospect I was going through some sort of post-tramatic stress syndrome, and was unhealthy to boot, but I didn't know it at the time. All I wanted to do was run away. I tried explaining it to my husband but he was clueless. He basically just asked me if I was going to take the kids with me (implying I was a bad mother if I didn't) but I told him we would have to split custody becasue if I had full custody it would defeat the purpose of running away.

You are at a very difficult period of your life. Honestly, it is going to get better. Try to make it through the next year. I did eventually try antidepressants, 2 different ones, when my second son weaned, but they didn't help much and they also made me lose weight uncontrollably (believe it or not that's a side effect on their packaging - that people have been taken off it for uncontrollable weight loss). Find solace here if you can, or on Babycenter.com. Read http://www.askdrsears.com for info on nursing, and on parenting in general - that website says everything in his books, except for free, and even has doses for over-the-counter medicines at young ages (very helpful when your kiddo gets an ear infection over a weekend and needs tylenol.)

It's going to get better but try to look at the long run. It's near impossible to do when you are in it but I'm so glad I did. I have a wonderful family and two beautiful boys.

Except now my DH won't have any more kids because, "I am too high risk." I keep bugging him for a third saying, "But they came out so well!" but it isn't working. Probably because he'd have to take care of both while I was on bedrest, LOL.

(See, I can even joke about it now!)

[duchess]

Your story really resonates with me. My 14 year old niece was born at 25 weeks. She weighed 1lb 6oz if I recall? She is an "A" student and healthy in every way.
You have really been through the most stressful times,that I can only imagine!
I am sure that many members here at TPF have similar experiences to share and support you with.

[wordpast]

((HUGS)))

I'm glad you are doing better. And I'm glad to hear the little guy is doing well!!! I just wanted to reiterate that sometimes we can't control everything. I think we humans tend to forget that. You did everything you could, it was out of your hands.

TPF is a GREAT community. We have some wonderful members. You'll never be alone here!

[compulsivepurse]

Originally Posted by compulsivepurse

Hi,

With my first, my water broke at 32.5 weeks and my baby only spent 2 weeks in the NICU so I was lucky. I went into labor at 28 weeks (really 27 weeks, because I never knew what a contraction was like with the first baby so I didn't know I was having them) and was on strict bedrest for 8 weeks and had him just shy of 36 weeks. But he didn't need to stay in a NICU. He got RSV when he was 3 months old, though, so that was a picnic.

I have a support system of friends around me but not family. DH's lives 7 hours away, and mine 2 hours, but my parents still work and my sisters work and have their families so no one could come down much.

With my first son I handled it very well until he was about 8 weeks old and it all hit me like a brick. I managed to learn to breastfeed with both after all the pumping (PM me for info if you need help) which was a major step and I was proud of myself, but at the same time no-one can take over the feeding for you, so you are up all the time (although my DH would sit up with me, God Bless him). But that alone caused me so much stress and tears. I was fine until DH went back to work and the world fell apart. Some days he would go to work and I would be all alone and I would cry. Some days he would call me and say, "I'm going to stop at Walmart on the way home," and I would tell him "You can't go today, you need to come right home." By the time my first son was six months I knew I had a problem but I didn't go on antidepressants because I was nursing. I remember I could overhear our neighbor's baby on the monitor. He had colic and would cry all the time - I had the best little baby in the world. I was so frazzled and I knew I was and that I shouldn't be, and I looked at my little guy and said, "at least you're not doing that." I was also losing weight uncontrollably from the nursing. It burned so many calories I was anemic and weighed too little. Then I was still nursing when my son was turned 12 months old and I got pregnant again, so I didn't do them again. I was determined to nurse again so I did, but this time I watched my diet better. I lost weight no matter what I did but I wasn't anemic.

Your babies take longer to do things. My children didn't hold their heads up until they were three months old. My second son didn't roll over (I'm not kidding) until he was 8 months old, and then he sat up by himself at the same time. My first had to take his hearing test 3 times before he passed it, so we were worried he was deaf. You read about all the brain damage that premature babies can have but you won't know if they have it for a year because there is just no way to know (I know preemies that have had 3rd degree brain bleeds that are fine in adult-hood, by the way.)

I think in retrospect I was going through some sort of post-tramatic stress syndrome, and was unhealthy to boot, but I didn't know it at the time. All I wanted to do was run away. I tried explaining it to my husband but he was clueless. He basically just asked me if I was going to take the kids with me (implying I was a bad mother if I didn't) but I told him we would have to split custody becasue if I had full custody it would defeat the purpose of running away.

You are at a very difficult period of your life. Honestly, it is going to get better. Try to make it through the next year. I did eventually try antidepressants, 2 different ones, when my second son weaned, but they didn't help much and they also made me lose weight uncontrollably (believe it or not that's a side effect on their packaging - that people have been taken off it for uncontrollable weight loss). Find solace here if you can, or on Babycenter.com. Read http://www.askdrsears.com for info on nursing, and on parenting in general - that website says everything in his books, except for free, and even has doses for over-the-counter medicines at young ages (very helpful when your kiddo gets an ear infection over a weekend and needs tylenol.)

It's going to get better but try to look at the long run. It's near impossible to do when you are in it but I'm so glad I did. I have a wonderful family and two beautiful boys.

Except now my DH won't have any more kids because, "I am too high risk." I keep bugging him for a third saying, "But they came out so well!" but it isn't working. Probably because he'd have to take care of both while I was on bedrest, LOL.

(See, I can even joke about it now!)

P.S. I just realized I wrote a very long rambling email and left an important part out of the first paragraph. My first son was both at 32.5 weeks. It was the second that required 8 weeks of bedrest. The first paragraph makes it seem like it's the same kid.