living with in-laws = trouble?

[carvedwords]

OK, I need to vent. Right before my son was born my BF and I moved in with his family to save money for a year before we have to go out on our own to be more financially secure. For months, I have been nagged by him how ungrateful I am, how I have no manners, etc. His mom always finds something to pick on me and tells him about it. She NEVER comes to me. First, it was I didn't say 'thank you' for every single thing she did for the baby. I always said thank you for major things, but I didn't think I had to say 'thank you' for little things like giving him his pacifier when he was cranky. So, I started saying 'thank you' at EVERY single thign. Then, it was the way I talked. She didnt' understand why I would make certain comments in a sarcastic tone. Everyone who knows me knows that's how I joke around. But NOT her. My BF told me I had to change my whole personality because I'm living in their house and I need to be who they want me to be.

I totally respect that I live under their roof, but at the same time I feel some things that are asked of me like always saying thank you, changing the way I am. I do dishes, I pick up after their 18 YEAR OLD SON who doesn't pick up after himself and makes a TOTAL MESS. I do all kinds of household chores and do everything and more thats asked of me. I feel like I'm kept from being myself when from the very beginning I was told feel comfortable, be who I am. I feel like an outsider at home. I always say thank you and am very respectful, but I always get chewed out for something. All my friends and family said it was going to be a bad idea, but I didn't listen. Am I being irrational? Am I wrong? If I am, please tell me.

[omgsweet]

Wow. If I were you, I would be so upset if my SO didnt stand up for me. You should be allowed to be yourself 100%. You arent doing anything wrong. You are being extremely helpful! Maybe you should sit down with your MIL and explain how you feel? Explain your sarcasm. I totally understand the sarcasm...my family is very sarcastic, but sometimes people think you are being serious!

I would say that living with your in laws is a bad idea. I would be very uncomfortable. I'm sorry you are going through this! It may not get better unless you talk to them about how you feel. If that doesnt work, then I would move out. I would move out quick before it starts to affect your relationship with your boyfriend. HUGS!

[dallas]

Is moving in with your family an option? How long do you plan on staying at your BF's parents home? If it's only for a short time, you may have to grin and bear it.

[CEC.LV4eva]

well how does your BF react to all of this? what does he do when things get "cold" or awkward between you and his mom? have you ever told him how you felt about his parents? Maybe you guys can talk and figure something out. And oh, word of advice from my mom to me and now I guess I'm passing it to you lol: *IF* the guy becomes more protective of his parents, then there's going to be major probs in the relationship. Within reason, the guy should always be on his girl's side cuz he wants a future with YOU, not his parents.

And no, you're not wrong. I think you did everything you can to please your never-unsatisfied-mother-in-law...You tried your best

[Bagluvluv]

It sounds like they are ganging up on you..and being irrational...

Its easy to pick on someone if one wanted to...its more about her trying to have her say and bringing your BF into it...

You need to stand up for yourself or if this becomes the norm, you will have a heck of a time getting out of this drama....

You should confront her and talk to her about the things that is bothereing her..then let her know about solving the problems among you two and not bring BF into this....this is not right....you should feel comfortable in a place that your staying.....and problems needs to be dealt with like adults..

Your BF needs to be more inclined to help you and not make you feel like you are in the wrong, he acts like you need to cater to his family....thats insane...Im so mad for you!!!!

[article3]

In short: ITA with omgsweet

[Syntagma]

WOW. Living with the in-laws would be awful! I am so sorry you are having such a tough time. You both have different views on how a household should be run. If you can I would move out earlier than the year you both anticipated. What upsets me though is how your BF isn't standing up for you. Hopefully things will get better when you move out!

[rileygirl]

It is very hard for women to live in the house of another woman. Women are so territorialistic and set in their own ways. Also, a lot of mothers and sons have close relationships which affect marriages/relaionships regardless of living situations. It would take a very special daughter-in-law/mother-in-law relationship to make it work. I congratulate you on making it this long. I really don't envy you. I have a hard time being near my mother in law for more than 1 minute. There's no way I could ever move in with my MIL. You're not being irrational, hang in there and, best of luck to you!

[lara0112]

oh dear, living with inlaws - just the topic of my own thread, I will start now. I have tons and tons of stories.... personal and other experience.

let me start by saying that the worst thing is how caught up you can get in all this. once it starts every little thing counts - even if in the 'real world' you couldn't care less about these things. one of the main reasons I am very opposed to living with inlaws. i would consider it again only if there was a lot of space, like two flats and everyone could re-treat. at the moment all i can say is hang in there, or try to move out. if you can't move out, find something you can lose yourself in and forget what is going on around you for a while, like work or education etc. it is possible from home with a baby. when you do something for yourself you will feel so much better! all the best, I feel for you.

[gillianna]

I am so sorry you have to deal with all that stress. Living with inlaws can be horrible. It seems like no matter what you do it is wrong. I am sure one can only try so long to please someone without going crazy. I guess you can try to talk to you BF but it sounds like he feels you need to change and act a certain way. I guess you can try to talk things out but I would think the best thing to do is start looking for a place of your own. Is there any other options versus having to stay there? Good luck.

[courtneyh]

I am so sorry you have to deal with all this...i had the same situation minus having a child

my parents moved away and i didnt want to go so i moved in with my bf family until we could get our own place...BIG MISTAKE....everything you said about how his family treated you my bfs family did the same thing. I would seriously cry at night and call my mom. My BF was super understanding and even told them to back off but his mom didnt. So we moved out and she eventually appologized and told us she was jelous of our relationship so she took it out on me. We are good friends now but I will never forget how badly she treated me.

Good luck and hold your ground. Its hard and its not easy...I think you should talk to your SO and try and figure something out. You shouldnt have to comprimise who you are. I would definatly talk to him first before you confront her. But I would definatly also talk with her once you figure something out with your SO.

Good luck and keep us updated

[sputnik]

you need to move out. i'd rather save less money and have to wait longer to be financially secure than live with the in-laws. talk to your husband and tell him that he needs to stand up for you as well and take your side. but really the best thing to do is move out. you might save less money but it could also save your marriage.

[BigBagLady]

Yes, I think that moving out is the answer. You will save your sanity. People are set in their ways and most likely will not change. You are setting yourself up for many frustrations and problems by staying there. Where there is a will, there is a way. Good luck and I really feel for you!!

[IntlSet]

Sorry you're in this situation... everyone has really good advice above...

If it is not possible to move in with YOUR family, how about just biting the bullet and moving to your own place? I know it is a financial strain, but the trade-off may be worth it. Save money and be miserable or stretch yourselves a little? I don't know if you're working or not, or how much your BF works, but maybe one of you could take more on just to make ends meet... I personally would do this if I were in your shoes.

[shoefan]

I agree with IntlSet. Your sanity is worth the financial stretch.