living with in-laws = trouble?

[oogiewoogie]

Carved... I'm sorry you're going through this.. and I can totally relate.. I'm in the same exact situation right now.. minus the baby. Moving in w/ the in laws after we got married to save up for a house... was his mothers idea. Although.. they don't nit pick at me...(thank GOD) I have found out that his mother is obsessive compulsive about cleaning. Which, I guess is better than being the opposite. My husband is usually there at there beck and call.. but they're not too bad about it. I've realized I've married a semi-moma's boy.

What I don't understand, is why your BF is telling to you to change your personality and not at all trying to relate to you. I know... if I try coming across the situation in a attacking way.. my DH will most likely come back defensively. If it gets to a point... where it gets out of control... and if all possible..(if your parents live locally) move back home or move out on your own if possible preferably with your bf. sometimes saving $$ isn't worth it if it puts a major strain on your relationship with your SO.

I've also learned to limit the time everyone spends together... like dinners.. I know we spend a lot of $ on going out to eat everyday.. but since we started.. I don't complain as much. My MIL is also not understanding that I live a low-carb life style.. and his mom even admitted that she wanted me to gain weight.... (Wthell!) We do have a least 1 to 2 dinners a week together w/ the entire family usually on the weekends. ANyway.. back to the point.. try to get yourself out of the house when you can. It's worth spending that $$... it'll save your sanity..

Hang in there.... ((HuUUgz))

[guccimamma]

do whatever you can to get out

my father in law, has been married numerous times...over 5 that i know of

so, he is getting old...and alone. i can tell he thinks our home would be a great place for him to live out his elder years.

i have already told my husband that he will NEVER live in my home. I don't care about the circumstances, he can go live with one of his former wives...or another family member.

NEVER, I would move away immediately.

Get out, and don't ever go back. Move somewhere less expensive if necessary.

[QueenOfDa702]

I like how some people recommended a "financial stretch" like its just that easy. Sometimes you just dont have the money for it. Period. I was in this same exact situation a few years back. Living with MIL and FIL(and BROTHER IN LAW!) and being an absolute miserable wreck. MIL is a pain in the ass, dirty nasty mess, and I was the only one cleaning the entire house! But, I tried to be gone as often as possible. And keep in mind its not going to be forever, I KNOW thats hard to do-god, trust me! But, eventually you will be out of there. I know how it is to be married to a Mommas boy too. He just lets everything his Mom says go in one ear and out the other, and unfortunately thats not that easy for me! I had to constantly remind myself that, not cussing her ass out was having respect for MYSELF lol! It really sucks when your SO doesnt stick up for you, its really puts a strain on your relationship, BIG TIME! I was ready to leave a few times, I had to pull the "If you dont say something to her, Im LEAVING!" Which, worked-but caused WW3 between him and his Mom at the same time. I have a MIL that has to have it her way, or the highway! And even if my SO comes at her with respect and dignity, she ends up turning the conversation into a heated argument. But anyway lol! Just hang in there, I know it looks like a tunnel with no light at the end, but things get better! Not to mention how much more grateful you will be for the things you will have! I know I am, and it makes me work even harder to make sure I NEVER, EVER have to go back to that hell hole again!
Good luck! Hang in there, if you need to talk, PM me!

[shoefan]

^^^ They are looking to be "more financially secure," which I don't interpret as not having the money.

So on top of being a mother of an infant, and having a strain on your relationship, you'd sign up for six more months of having your every action critiqued while you are at "home?"

Maybe I am too old, but my sanity is worth far more than saving a little more money, much of which I am sure I would waste because I didn't want to be in my in-law's home.

[heartnaspade]

Originally Posted by shoefan

^^^ They are looking to be "more financially secure," which I don't interpret as not having the money. So on top of being a mother of an infant, and having a strain on your relationship, you'd sign up for six more months of having your every action critiqued while you are at "home?" Maybe I am too old, but my sanity is worth far more than saving a little more money, much of which I am sure I would waste because I didn't want to be in my in-law's home.

Having a new baby is an extreme financial burden, especially for two people who are just starting their lives together. Living with parents or in-laws is not just about "saving a little more money," it's about saving A LOT of money to make their situation more financially secure for themselves and their new baby. It's not something that should be taken lightly.

On another note, it sounds like the MIL is perhaps resentful of you and the situation in general. I'm sure in her ideal image of the future, she didn't imagine her son moving back in at home with a new baby. It's not a big deal - things happen, but that could be where her anger and frustration is coming from. In a way they are doing you a very big favor by letting you live in their home (I'm assuming without paying rent?), and she probably feels entitled to having you treat her a certain way. It also doesn't sound like you two have a very close or open relationship, so she goes to her son to vent rather than talking to you directly. It's not very mature, obviously, but she's dealing with things from the perspective of someone whose letting other people live in her home. I'm not saying that her treatment of you is right or fair at all, but it may help to see where she's coming from, and to envision yourself in her shoes.

My suggestion would be to talk to her one on one. Don't make it confrontational, and start out by sincerely thanking her for all that she's done for you - because whether or not you think she has, she obviously considers it to be a big sacrifice on her part. Ask her if there are specific things she would like you to do around the house to make her feel more comfortable, and ask her if she has any other concerns that she'd like to talk to you about. Make the conversation about her and her needs, and you'll be placing the ball in her court. She'll be much more likely to be understanding if she feels like you've considered her feelings in all of this, and she'll probably start cutting you breaks her and there. Let us know how things go!

And to the poster above who is already "forbidding" her SO from letting his father move in with them...I find that very sad. When you are old, who is going to take care of you?

[shoefan]

^^^
I am well aware that there is a financial impact to raising an infant.

When I read the OP’s post, I assumed she had the option of moving out of her in-law’s home, which I still recommend after reading the impact their “help” is having on her.

[thelace]

No such thing as a free lunch. You gain the benefit of low/no rent, (and all the other expenses incurred running a house), you lose the freedom of living exactly how you please.

Also, do not underestimate the strain on your MIL of having you in her house. By that I mean that, in her eyes, you will probably always be a 'guest'. Having a constant house guest can be stressful. No wonder you both get on each other's nerves!

A bit of empathy for each other's position wouldn't go amiss.

[heartnaspade]

Originally Posted by shoefan

^^^ I am well aware that there is a financial impact to raising an infant. When I read the OP’s post, I assumed she had the option of moving out of her in-law’s home, which I still recommend after reading the impact their “help” is having on her.

Yes, I see what you're saying - it's difficult to tell whether the OP actually has to live with the in-laws out of necessity, especially when her signature shows that she's spent quite a large sum of money on expensive LV items in the past few months. My opinion is that if you're saving money to improve the financial security of your family and child, you should really suck it up and deal with it as best you can. If the money you're "saving," however, is being used to pay off thousand dollar handbags, then perhaps it would be best to reevaluate your priorities and get a place of your own.

[carvedwords]

Thanks everyone for your support. What irks me the most is how my BF does NOT stand up for me. Everything his mom says goes and he thinks it's okay. I've tried to tell him if he sees a future with me, then he should be standing by me and not his mom.

I feel like I'm outnumbered and nothing I do will ever change it. I'll never be 'perfect' in her eyes. It frustrates me even though I know it shouldn't when I'm doing everything right. And the thing is she never tells me, but tells him so I'm not even supposed to know.

[carvedwords]

^^
And bags are very, very few. I get lots of financial aid during the year and am allowed an allowance out of that every semester for whatever I want to buy. We could live on our own, but the original idea was to save EVEN more during the year than just rely on the finanical aid I'm getting.

[QueenOfDa702]

I think Im a little confused...

[wantmore]

Originally Posted by carvedwords

^^And bags are very, very few. I get lots of financial aid during the year and am allowed an allowance out of that every semester for whatever I want to buy. We could live on our own, but the original idea was to save EVEN more during the year than just rely on the finanical aid I'm getting.

Wouldn't it be better though to save that "extra" allowance, instead of frivolously spending it, so that you can move out sooner?

I understand that you're trying to save more money by living with your in-laws. However, it's a trade-off....living with your in-laws means giving up your freedom on what you can do/say vs. if you're living on your own with SO and your child.

If you can live on your own then do so, if it means saving your sanity and possibly your relationship with your SO.

You have to prioritize on what you want/need to be able to attain what you most desire. For example, if what you most desire is to save lots of money and move out, then I suggest cutting back on expensive purchases, so that you're able to move out sooner. On the other hand, if it's LVs you most desire, then I suggest sucking up how you feel about living w/ your in-laws.

[sputnik]

i think maybe the biggest problem isn't even the MIL, it's your boyfriend's lack of support. i'd have a talk with your bf. tell him to either start standing up for you a bit more, or save less money and move out from his parents' place.

[thelace]

Originally Posted by wantmore

Wouldn't it be better though to save that "extra" allowance, instead of frivolously spending it, so that you can move out sooner? I understand that you're trying to save more money by living with your in-laws. However, it's a trade-off....living with your in-laws means giving up your freedom on what you can do/say vs. if you're living on your own with SO and your child.

^^^That's what I said

Quote:

You have to prioritize on what you want/need to be able to attain what you most desire. For example, if what you most desire is to save lots of money and move out, then I suggest cutting back on expensive purchases, so that you're able to move out sooner. On the other hand, if it's LVs you most desire, then I suggest sucking up how you feel about living w/ your in-laws.

Yep

[heartnaspade]

Originally Posted by carvedwords

^^ And bags are very, very few. I get lots of financial aid during the year and am allowed an allowance out of that every semester for whatever I want to buy. We could live on our own, but the original idea was to save EVEN more during the year than just rely on the finanical aid I'm getting.

Spending $700 on a wallet and $2500 for a bag is not "very, very few." I sympathize with wanting to buy things that make you happy, and those are beautiful pieces, but if you're living with your in-laws, you probably shouldn't be spending such an exorbitant amount of money on frivolous things. Does you MIL know you're buying these things? Because is she does, it could explain the resentment you're experiencing from her. If I was allowing my daughter-in-law to live with us and she was spending over 3k on bags for herself, I would be pretty miffed as well. You have to understand that she's doing you a favor by letting you save money at her expense, and if she senses that you don't appreciate the sacrifices she's making for you and your family, then she's probably going to be passive-aggressive and mean. Personally, if I was letting my children move back in with me and was helping them take care of their child, I would be pretty annoyed if I saw them spending thousands of dollars on LV luxury items when they could have been putting that money towards a down payment on a house, or a college fund for their child. Try to see it from her perspective.

Also, I'm a little confused at why you're spending your financial aid allowance on LV bags. If you're getting money from the government because you can't afford school on your own, don't you think it's a little irresponsible to be spending that money on high-end designer purchases?