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MarieG · Aug 5th, 2009, 01:33 PM

Hello ladies and gents,

you probably remember what happened to me about 1 year ago Major Shock and Heartache- Just wanted to Share... - thank you so much again for all of your kind words and thoughtful comments- they really helped me in so many ways. I have since moved back to Europe and managed to heal a lot and learned to become and independent person so in some ways this was a very positive experience even though it is by far the worst thing i've ever had to go through in my life. I already went through quite a lot in my youth but this breach of trust really topped it all.

I know this is probably not going to be a very popular question but I would still, if you guys would be so kind to take a moment, like and maybe even need to hear your thoughts on this issue. I've dated around a bit in the past few months which has largely been unsuccessful- I'm not sure weather this was due to compatibility issues or me just having bad luck and running into the wrong men, but I have not met anyone who even comes close to being as good a match as my ex and I were for 5 years we were and lived together. He definitely completed me in a way that nobody else ever has. When I was with him my 'inside' was at ease- for the first time in my life. I was able to achieve all of the things i dreamed of at that time (2 degrees, 2 great jobs, therapy). He always tried to give me what I needed- he really did. The only thing he ever really screwed up was the end. And he screwed that one up BIG TIME. I have really never suffered like this in my life. I felt betrayed, humiliated, alone- I pretty much wanted to die. My whole world and my dream were destroyed.

Well, now, 11 months on, he has not been with any other girl. He says he knows what he wants and he wants to be with me. He wants to do it right this time. He wants to move to Europe and be with me and eventually start a family. I said I don't wish to think about anything like marriage and family right now (cuz frankly- I refuse to do this to myself again). I don't know what to do. My heart is still in love with him- completely. My head says I shouldn't forgive him- how will I know he'll never do this again??

But I also know that he is a person who doesn't say things he doesn't mean- anyone who knows him knows that. I just don't know what to do. I don't cry easily but this always brings tears to my eyes- even when I walk down the street. I have never been in this kind of situation as I've never been 'dumped' (sounds like an immature statement but I was never really scared of loosing my partner before- so in that sense this was a great lesson) but I just don't know if I could be myself with him again and if I will ever trust him 100% again. This is such a challenging situation. I just wish he would have never done this. He was such a great boyfriend when we were together. I always knew that I was his dreamgirl in every way. He never flirted with others, was always incredibly loyal, honest and kind. Our main problem was the communication and he said to me in our recent phone conversation that that is what he wants to change and that he will never let it get to the same situation again. I would really appreciate some thoughts as I am so puzzled. When he very seriously asked me for another chance I felt so happy and relieved- as though I just waited for this the entire year even though I was so busy trying to move on that I had no idea I would feel relieved to hear it. And he hasn't been with anyone else either- knowing him I trust that. Anyway, I am so torn and confused. Any thoughts or comments are very much appreciated

Rockst@r · Aug 5th, 2009, 01:50 PM

I read your original post, and all I can say is that I would not give him another chance. Anyone that could just demolish you like that isn't worth it. I know I am being very cut and dried here, but I don't play with matters of the heart.

nataliam1976 · Aug 5th, 2009, 01:53 PM

You say he is a person who doesnt say things he doesnt mean. So when he told you a year ago that he wanted to be alone, he meant it. Now he means it that he wants to be back together. Are you ready to go through this again if in two years he will mean that he wants to be alone again?

spoiled_brat · Aug 5th, 2009, 01:58 PM

Aw-w, MarieG... this is such a sucky situation.

I totally understand how you feel but I don't think it is a good idea to take him back. I am not saying "don't do it" because, ultimately, it's your life and your choice but for somebody you loved to destroy you like that... he's done it once so you know he's capable of doing it again.

*hugs*

PS Miss your posts in the "single ladies" thread!

MarieG · Aug 5th, 2009, 02:00 PM

Thanks so much for your thoughts, ladies!

Nataliam1976, that's exactly what I just can't get out of my head!! And I don't know how I ever could....

I feel like the 'power balance' in the relationship is also ruined if that makes sense? I used to feel a lot more in control- I actually had the 'upper hand' in the relationship in a way and now I would be scared and therefore a lot weaker in a way... that really worries me...

PurseAddict79 · Aug 5th, 2009, 02:19 PM

I guess I may be in the minority here BUT I'd seriously consider giving him another chance.

He's willing to move to Europe to be with you... that in and of itself shows he's willing to make a huge commitment to you. I don't know that I'd be gearing up to marry him anytime soon, but I truly believe it might be worth another shot.

He hasn't dated anyone else, he's willing to move... maybe he "saw the light"

Regardless of what decision you make, I hope you're happy and wish you all the best :)

amymaria · Aug 5th, 2009, 02:21 PM

First off, I'm not trying to be offensive but I'm going to be honest. I haven't read through all the comments of your first post but I assume someone might have mentioned this too.

When you guys met you encouraged him to do all those things. That's great, but was it his own ideas? Or was it ideas that you had for him and convinced him should be his as well. What I see from you relationship is that you were dominating - perhaps domineering in undetected ways. He probably does truly love you except he felt unknowingly suffocated. His "own" self was probably confused because who he was with you probably was your created version of him. It's hard to be the person that someone else expects. I'm sure he did not do it knowingly either, it was probably a reaction to you and somehow it led to him feeling a little confused and lost about WHO exactly he is.

I suggest that you and him go to therapy - seperatly. Go to a relationship counsellor not just a simple psychologist. Relationship counsellors will see you individually.

I wish you all the best - and even if you don't end up together - this will help you heal further and handle relationships better. (not that you didn't handle it well, i'm just saying it helps)

~Fabulousity~ · Aug 5th, 2009, 02:31 PM

I don't know what to do. My heart is still in love with him- completely. My head says I shouldn't forgive him- how will I know he'll never do this again??

You don't know that he won't and chances are because he did this to you once he will do it to you again. I would not take him back, and i'm speaking from experience having gone thru a similar situation and feelings. In the end I just don't think its worth it. Don't think that because the guys you have dated thus far after him haven't worked out that there isn't a great guy out there for you! Much too often I think when we don't get the results we want early on we want to go back to that which is familiar even if it may not be for the best. Stay strong and keep moving forward with your life. If you do give him another chance ask yourself how you'd feel and what you'd do if time repeats itself. That for me was enough to not be worth giving him another chance.

blessed247 · Aug 5th, 2009, 02:37 PM

What? He is done being 'alone' now he wants the relationship back? Tell him this is not a movie and it is a lot too late. He will run away again when he feels like being 'alone' and never get into something you are not sure about. Then again, I'm just saying you will have to make the right decision for you not anyone else!

be blessed!

Bella · Aug 5th, 2009, 02:45 PM

Marie I think you guys can get back together and possibly be happier than you've ever been. I know how much he hurt you when he left. He's had a lot of time to know what he lost. I have a feeling I know what you will do because I was you. All I know is that we're human, it's not always going to be a storybook romance. Sometimes people need time and space to realize what they really want.. and that can be okay. You may never trust him the same or you could find a trust between you two deeper than before. I took a chance some years ago and got the latter. It's possible. Good luck.

ahertz · Aug 5th, 2009, 02:50 PM

I'm interested to know what your friends and family think as they know you--and your relationship--better than we do. I know there are situations like yours that have ended up happily ever after. And some that don't. I would recommend counseling, but that is very difficult considering you are on different continents.

From what you've told us he sounds very sincere, but I hope you tread very carefully before you make any decisions.

Blondee178 · Aug 5th, 2009, 02:51 PM

Originally Posted by PurseAddict79

I guess I may be in the minority here BUT I'd seriously consider giving him another chance.

He's willing to move to Europe to be with you... that in and of itself shows he's willing to make a huge commitment to you. I don't know that I'd be gearing up to marry him anytime soon, but I truly believe it might be worth another shot.

He hasn't dated anyone else, he's willing to move... maybe he "saw the light"

Regardless of what decision you make, I hope you're happy and wish you all the best :)

I'd consider it too. I don't think someone would just drop everything & move if his heart wasn't in it. There is no guarantee that he will never do it again but nothing in life is guaranteed. U'll just have to trust him not to. But in order to be able to trust him, u have to be able to forgive him. Really forgive him, not just say it. If u don't think u will be able to do that then perhaps u shouldn't go back.

Willie7027 · Aug 5th, 2009, 02:57 PM

I think almost anything can be forgiven. Humans are very complex creatures. Sometimes really bad decisions can be made for reasons of insecurity, immaturity, or other issues related to personal history. These bad decisions don't necessarily define who a person is at the core or predict if the same behavior will be repeated.

To be successful in giving the relationship another try I think that several things have to happen:

You have to be able to really forgive the past and that means not repeatedly throw past mistakes in his face.
He has to really know what caused him to do what he did and have taken measures to resolve his issues (counseling or whatever) so that he, and you, can be sure it won't happen again.
Both have to discuss what happened and take any new relationship very slowly.
Couples counseling would be a good thing as well.

Only you know what transpired between you and if you want to take another chance on him. I'm just saying that if you and he both want your relationship to work badly enough then almost any transgression can be overcome. I wouldn't be so forgiving of multiple similar transgressions though. That's another story.

Good luck. I hope it works out well whichever decision you make.

VT Pooh · Aug 5th, 2009, 03:05 PM

I read your post from a year ago.

It is very hard to make the decision. Are you going to think all the time if he would leave you one more time without any warming? This is the biggest draw-back.

I believe you want to give him another chance. Do what you think is the best for yourself. You can never predict what is going to happen next.

olialm1 · Aug 5th, 2009, 03:12 PM

It sounds like you want to give him another chance. But should you? He broke your heart and you said you'll never trust him fully again. He is willing to make a huge sacrifice and move to Europe to be with you which shows he is willing to be committed... but I don't think he deserves it. Nothing is more painful than a broken heart, so before you jump back into the relationship you should really think long and hard about whether he deserves you. How would your family and friends feel if you two reconciled? Their opinions don't exactly matter but I assume those were the people who were there for you post break up - and they will be concerned for your well being. I wish you the best of luck with this relationship and I hope you two completely patch things up or go your separate ways and you find happiness.

Aug 5th, 2009, 01:33 PM	#1
MarieG OP ..loves Balenciaga:) Joined: Jun 2006 Posts: 4,017	Let's talk about forgiveness.... Hello ladies and gents, you probably remember what happened to me about 1 year ago Major Shock and Heartache- Just wanted to Share... - thank you so much again for all of your kind words and thoughtful comments- they really helped me in so many ways. I have since moved back to Europe and managed to heal a lot and learned to become and independent person so in some ways this was a very positive experience even though it is by far the worst thing i've ever had to go through in my life. I already went through quite a lot in my youth but this breach of trust really topped it all. I know this is probably not going to be a very popular question but I would still, if you guys would be so kind to take a moment, like and maybe even need to hear your thoughts on this issue. I've dated around a bit in the past few months which has largely been unsuccessful- I'm not sure weather this was due to compatibility issues or me just having bad luck and running into the wrong men, but I have not met anyone who even comes close to being as good a match as my ex and I were for 5 years we were and lived together. He definitely completed me in a way that nobody else ever has. When I was with him my 'inside' was at ease- for the first time in my life. I was able to achieve all of the things i dreamed of at that time (2 degrees, 2 great jobs, therapy). He always tried to give me what I needed- he really did. The only thing he ever really screwed up was the end. And he screwed that one up BIG TIME. I have really never suffered like this in my life. I felt betrayed, humiliated, alone- I pretty much wanted to die. My whole world and my dream were destroyed. Well, now, 11 months on, he has not been with any other girl. He says he knows what he wants and he wants to be with me. He wants to do it right this time. He wants to move to Europe and be with me and eventually start a family. I said I don't wish to think about anything like marriage and family right now (cuz frankly- I refuse to do this to myself again). I don't know what to do. My heart is still in love with him- completely. My head says I shouldn't forgive him- how will I know he'll never do this again?? But I also know that he is a person who doesn't say things he doesn't mean- anyone who knows him knows that. I just don't know what to do. I don't cry easily but this always brings tears to my eyes- even when I walk down the street. I have never been in this kind of situation as I've never been 'dumped' (sounds like an immature statement but I was never really scared of loosing my partner before- so in that sense this was a great lesson) but I just don't know if I could be myself with him again and if I will ever trust him 100% again. This is such a challenging situation. I just wish he would have never done this. He was such a great boyfriend when we were together. I always knew that I was his dreamgirl in every way. He never flirted with others, was always incredibly loyal, honest and kind. Our main problem was the communication and he said to me in our recent phone conversation that that is what he wants to change and that he will never let it get to the same situation again. I would really appreciate some thoughts as I am so puzzled. When he very seriously asked me for another chance I felt so happy and relieved- as though I just waited for this the entire year even though I was so busy trying to move on that I had no idea I would feel relieved to hear it. And he hasn't been with anyone else either- knowing him I trust that. Anyway, I am so torn and confused. Any thoughts or comments are very much appreciated
	__________________ "A girl should be two things: Classy and Fabulous." ~Coco Chanel My Bal Collection Come and Visit My Blog: http://littleslicesofheaven.blogspot.com/

Aug 5th, 2009, 01:50 PM	#2
Rockst@r Zeta lady 4ever Joined: Jan 2007 Location: Philadelphia Posts: 932	I read your original post, and all I can say is that I would not give him another chance. Anyone that could just demolish you like that isn't worth it. I know I am being very cut and dried here, but I don't play with matters of the heart.
	__________________

Aug 5th, 2009, 01:53 PM	#3
nataliam1976 Dior Goddess:-) Joined: Nov 2006 Location: all around Europe Posts: 12,700	You say he is a person who doesnt say things he doesnt mean. So when he told you a year ago that he wanted to be alone, he meant it. Now he means it that he wants to be back together. Are you ready to go through this again if in two years he will mean that he wants to be alone again?
	__________________ PLEASE DO NOT PM ME FOR AUTHENTICATIONS Dear Dior fans ! >>> PLEASE READ THIS: Some guidelines/tips on authentication <<< before you post - if you dont provide REQUIRED PICTURES - especially clear close up of the front and back of the inside tag, your posts will not be replied to, thanks !

Aug 5th, 2009, 02:00 PM	#5
MarieG OP ..loves Balenciaga:) Joined: Jun 2006 Posts: 4,017	Thanks so much for your thoughts, ladies! Nataliam1976, that's exactly what I just can't get out of my head!! And I don't know how I ever could.... I feel like the 'power balance' in the relationship is also ruined if that makes sense? I used to feel a lot more in control- I actually had the 'upper hand' in the relationship in a way and now I would be scared and therefore a lot weaker in a way... that really worries me...
	__________________ "A girl should be two things: Classy and Fabulous." ~Coco Chanel My Bal Collection Come and Visit My Blog: http://littleslicesofheaven.blogspot.com/

Aug 5th, 2009, 02:21 PM	#7
amymaria I is Hello Kitty? Joined: Jan 2009 Location: Toronto Posts: 1,126	First off, I'm not trying to be offensive but I'm going to be honest. I haven't read through all the comments of your first post but I assume someone might have mentioned this too. When you guys met you encouraged him to do all those things. That's great, but was it his own ideas? Or was it ideas that you had for him and convinced him should be his as well. What I see from you relationship is that you were dominating - perhaps domineering in undetected ways. He probably does truly love you except he felt unknowingly suffocated. His "own" self was probably confused because who he was with you probably was your created version of him. It's hard to be the person that someone else expects. I'm sure he did not do it knowingly either, it was probably a reaction to you and somehow it led to him feeling a little confused and lost about WHO exactly he is. I suggest that you and him go to therapy - seperatly. Go to a relationship counsellor not just a simple psychologist. Relationship counsellors will see you individually. I wish you all the best - and even if you don't end up together - this will help you heal further and handle relationships better. (not that you didn't handle it well, i'm just saying it helps)
	__________________ Blog + Twitter www.kittypinkpaisley.com Sarcasm, Love to Hate and Hello Kitty http://twitter.com/amc_kpp

Aug 5th, 2009, 01:58 PM	#4
spoiled_brat not spoiled enough Joined: Oct 2007 Location: Canada Posts: 2,184	Aw-w, MarieG... this is such a sucky situation. I totally understand how you feel but I don't think it is a good idea to take him back. I am not saying "don't do it" because, ultimately, it's your life and your choice but for somebody you loved to destroy you like that... he's done it once so you know he's capable of doing it again. hugs PS Miss your posts in the "single ladies" thread!

Aug 5th, 2009, 02:19 PM	#6
PurseAddict79 PerpetuallyPenniless Joined: Sep 2008 Location: The Mall Posts: 1,226	I guess I may be in the minority here BUT I'd seriously consider giving him another chance. He's willing to move to Europe to be with you... that in and of itself shows he's willing to make a huge commitment to you. I don't know that I'd be gearing up to marry him anytime soon, but I truly believe it might be worth another shot. He hasn't dated anyone else, he's willing to move... maybe he "saw the light" Regardless of what decision you make, I hope you're happy and wish you all the best :)

Aug 5th, 2009, 02:31 PM	#8
~Fabulousity~ Member Joined: Jan 2006 Posts: 12,911	I don't know what to do. My heart is still in love with him- completely. My head says I shouldn't forgive him- how will I know he'll never do this again?? You don't know that he won't and chances are because he did this to you once he will do it to you again. I would not take him back, and i'm speaking from experience having gone thru a similar situation and feelings. In the end I just don't think its worth it. Don't think that because the guys you have dated thus far after him haven't worked out that there isn't a great guy out there for you! Much too often I think when we don't get the results we want early on we want to go back to that which is familiar even if it may not be for the best. Stay strong and keep moving forward with your life. If you do give him another chance ask yourself how you'd feel and what you'd do if time repeats itself. That for me was enough to not be worth giving him another chance.
~Fabulousity~ Member Joined: Jan 2006 Posts: 12,911

Aug 5th, 2009, 02:37 PM	#9
blessed247 Member Joined: Feb 2009 Posts: 109	What? He is done being 'alone' now he wants the relationship back? Tell him this is not a movie and it is a lot too late. He will run away again when he feels like being 'alone' and never get into something you are not sure about. Then again, I'm just saying you will have to make the right decision for you not anyone else! be blessed!
blessed247 Member Joined: Feb 2009 Posts: 109	Last edited by blessed247; Aug 5th, 2009 at 02:54 PM.

Aug 5th, 2009, 02:45 PM	#10
Bella Earth to Bella Joined: Mar 2006 Posts: 4,347	Marie I think you guys can get back together and possibly be happier than you've ever been. I know how much he hurt you when he left. He's had a lot of time to know what he lost. I have a feeling I know what you will do because I was you. All I know is that we're human, it's not always going to be a storybook romance. Sometimes people need time and space to realize what they really want.. and that can be okay. You may never trust him the same or you could find a trust between you two deeper than before. I took a chance some years ago and got the latter. It's possible. Good luck.
Bella Earth to Bella Joined: Mar 2006 Posts: 4,347	__________________

Aug 5th, 2009, 02:50 PM	#11
ahertz Member Joined: Jul 2007 Location: Los Angeles Posts: 4,251	I'm interested to know what your friends and family think as they know you--and your relationship--better than we do. I know there are situations like yours that have ended up happily ever after. And some that don't. I would recommend counseling, but that is very difficult considering you are on different continents. From what you've told us he sounds very sincere, but I hope you tread very carefully before you make any decisions.
	__________________

Aug 5th, 2009, 02:57 PM	#13
Willie7027 Member Joined: Sep 2006 Posts: 180	I think almost anything can be forgiven. Humans are very complex creatures. Sometimes really bad decisions can be made for reasons of insecurity, immaturity, or other issues related to personal history. These bad decisions don't necessarily define who a person is at the core or predict if the same behavior will be repeated. To be successful in giving the relationship another try I think that several things have to happen: You have to be able to really forgive the past and that means not repeatedly throw past mistakes in his face. He has to really know what caused him to do what he did and have taken measures to resolve his issues (counseling or whatever) so that he, and you, can be sure it won't happen again. Both have to discuss what happened and take any new relationship very slowly. Couples counseling would be a good thing as well. Only you know what transpired between you and if you want to take another chance on him. I'm just saying that if you and he both want your relationship to work badly enough then almost any transgression can be overcome. I wouldn't be so forgiving of multiple similar transgressions though. That's another story. Good luck. I hope it works out well whichever decision you make.
Willie7027 Member Joined: Sep 2006 Posts: 180

Aug 5th, 2009, 03:05 PM	#14
VT Pooh Member Joined: Jul 2006 Posts: 482	I read your post from a year ago. It is very hard to make the decision. Are you going to think all the time if he would leave you one more time without any warming? This is the biggest draw-back. I believe you want to give him another chance. Do what you think is the best for yourself. You can never predict what is going to happen next.
VT Pooh Member Joined: Jul 2006 Posts: 482

Aug 5th, 2009, 03:12 PM	#15
olialm1 windy city Joined: Dec 2008 Location: Chicago Posts: 1,544	It sounds like you want to give him another chance. But should you? He broke your heart and you said you'll never trust him fully again. He is willing to make a huge sacrifice and move to Europe to be with you which shows he is willing to be committed... but I don't think he deserves it. Nothing is more painful than a broken heart, so before you jump back into the relationship you should really think long and hard about whether he deserves you. How would your family and friends feel if you two reconciled? Their opinions don't exactly matter but I assume those were the people who were there for you post break up - and they will be concerned for your well being. I wish you the best of luck with this relationship and I hope you two completely patch things up or go your separate ways and you find happiness.
	__________________ make a difference! free rice

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